Dec 4 3:12am

If I had to pick one word to describe my day it would definitely be FOUL.

All day I was nasty, rude, insecure, and mean. Yeah mean. Usually I'm not outwardly cruel, but today I know I made an effort to ruin a few people's days. I hate it when I feel like this and its not real common for me, but I had an aura of vileness that clung to me all day. Which is really stupid cause my day started out OK, but slowly went from bad to worse. And once it spiraled downward I then took it out on salesclerks, waitstaff, and unwitting (or is that witless) citizens. I'll start at the beginning...

I went to Gregs' last nite, I've been working all week and have hardly seen him, but today was his day off. We sat up till quite late talking about Shandra, he needed to talk about his frustrations, etc  and I was loving being the supportive boyfriend. I was actually giving him good advice etc VS just jumping on the "yeah, fuck she's a bitch wagon". I surprised myself actually. Finally we went to bed and   he was amazingly sweet, everything from his goodnight kiss to the way he rests his lips on the back of my neck before he falls asleep, somehow seemed more intimate and more involved.

But cause its my life I couldn't sleep... I fell asleep for half an hour, but as soon as I entered dreams I saw my stepfather's fist coming at my face. So I shot awake and was up all nite. And what do people do when they can't sleep? They sit awake and think. I thot alot about Greg and I. I was adding up all the good stuff, but for every good thing I thought of, I heard a voice in the back of my head telling me two bad thing. It was driving me nuts, I knew its was just a bad head space and that I was getting stuck in a ridiculous rut. But at the same time the lack of sleep, coupled with the emotional baggage was definitely winning out. Whenever I would watch him sleep for any length of time I would start thinking "he deserves better". Almost was to the point of that I pulled out the paper to write him a dear john letter. Fortuneately I caught myself and gave myself a reality shake. THEN of course I had to emotionally slap myself around for being such a stupid schmuck. It reminded me off a passage I'd read earlier this week in the novel I'm reading "flirting with insanity is one thing but when it flirts back..." rohinton mistry (quote may not be exact,  i'm too lazy to pull out the book to look). He woke up a few times to ask if I'd slept, but when I faltered in my response he'd be asleep before he even realized I'd not responded. I decided to watch "The City of Lost Children" but it only made me feel more removed...

Once I woke up he was already up and was painting. He stopped his work and came to lay next to me, he could tell I was not OK. Asked if I wanted to talk and gave me "the look" and I just brushed him off. He went back to his work and I just watched him for awhile. I knew it was gonna be a bad day.

All day I smiled, nodded, and agreed... at one point he looked at me and said "could you make at least one decision today?". I hated him for the tone of that, yet I know he had forgotten it within moments.Shandra actually went out for a couple of hours so we listened to "Laurie Anderson's - The Ugly One with the Jewels". It gave us a chance to not have to speak for awhile. Then the grocery and home for dinner. I cooked and we seemed to be doing OK, those domestic things seem to take the edge off for me. I find security and routine in them, which is surprising in that I never knew that sensation as a child. A friend of his phoned and he  stayed on the phone with her for over an hour, made me realize how he was needing a break from me, or so I perceived it to be that way.

His friend Carla came by for supper (we waited at the last moment for her) and she's one of those people who is just amazingly "out there". She   entertained us with stories, etc and I loved  her rich accent, and ability to move and control her body for maximum effect. Definitely a "femme fatale" this one, and she knows and exploits it. And she ignored any attempt Shandra made to engage her attentions, and responded to all her questions in English. At one point she looked at her and mouthed really elaborately "ENGLISH". Shandra didn't speak to her for the rest of the day. We were all pretty much having a blast but once she left... Greg's whole demeanour dropped to one of quiet interest. Thats the point I grabbed my coat and made some excuse to leave early (I still had two and a half hours till it was time for work). THATS when I became nasty, rude and cruel.

I felt hurt, and I took it out on everyone that crossed my path. So now I feel like a heel for being a jerk. See how my bain works? Even ragged out a few off my ICQ buddies who did nothing wrong. Once home for good this evening / morning I buried myself under a huge list of URLs that I had to visit for various reasons. I did cheer up a bit at the "SUCK" website, now that was funny. I visited personal sites and found myself running one of those repititious inner dialogues.  Maybe it was the fact that every site I hit resulted in someone's twat or dick being shoved towards a Q-cam.

I'm sure I'll feel OK tomorrow, guess I'm still overwelhmed with work, money, and "baggage" issues. A few other things left me feeling bruised today but I'm just not up to talking about them. Or maybe they just aren't worth mentioning... time for a hot bath and bed.

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