Can you believe that its Tuesday night and I'm NOT out playing pool, I feel just devastated. Ok, I'm not devastated just a little disappointed. Greg had to work really late and by the time he got home he was just exhausted, so I gave him a raincheque and I'm sitting home packing up twenty plus years of living into cardboard boxes. I snuck home last night as well shortly after he fell asleep. He was cute in that when I kissed his forehead he grabbed my arm and pulled it against his chest and said "don't go". He then just sorta dozed off like that, and of course I felt horribly guilty. So when he was late calling me tonite I assumed he was pissed off and was giving me the "brush-off", but when we talked he didn't even recall it.

Another thing thats kinda nice is that I found the first note he ever wrote me while I was packing up last nite. Yep, I ditched him to come home and pack, pathetic eh? But it was tucked away in the back of a drawer and had gotten wedged between the side and bottom of the drawer. Had it not gotten stuck there I wouldn't have even noticed it, and it woulda gone into the garbage with the rest of the junk I was tossing. When I mentioned this to him, he told me that he still has the note that I first wrote him as well, that was kinda nice to hear as well. When we first met it was at the bar and I was dragged out by a friend after only talking for about half an hour, but in that time he'd told me enough key information that I was able to track him down at his work about two weeks later. I went in and left him a note to come see me at the cafe I worked at if he found the time, and he did but of course I wasn't there either. Another really cheezy thing was that when he found his it was filed in a bunch of receipts and he almost didn't find it, and when I found his it was sorta hangin out of the mail slot in the door at work, so it had also almost gotten lost.

I sometimes wonder about all those "whatifs". Like whatif we hadn't met that night at the bar, as we both were out for the first time in over six months. I'd only gone out because Dan had been making my life hell, as we were still living together, although we weren't dating. And whatif he hadn't gotten my note? Would he still have stopped by eventually to see me? If we hadn't broken up the first time we dated, at the time we did break up... would we have driven the relationship into the ground to the point we wouldn't have been able to redeem it this last year? I don't know, guess I just believe in fate, and I believe in waiting patiently. I've always figured that what you need will find you, when you need it. I don't believe that you can pursue lovers, or happiness. Your subconscious and the universe will give you who and what you need when it is that you need it. And no i'm not insinuating that you shouldn't have to pursue your goals thats different. Blah, blah, blah.

***

I have an urge to update about Dan as I feel that sometimes I'm too critical of him, and that I often don't appreciate him as much as perhaps I should. He does help me out if I ever need it, and I know if all else fails I could phone him and he pretty much would whatever he could to appease me. Granted I realize his motives behind this, as he does it to get closer to me or to get his own way. Yet at the same time, when I'm being an asshole to him, he never (or seldom) holds over me the favors he has performed on my behalf despite my ingratitude. I know he's lonely, and he still tells me that he loves me and misses me. That I can't deal with, but I do wish we could just relate to each other as friends without all the games. I know that's probably never going to happen, and if I keep him in my life then all these dynamics will be in the background of all our interactions. I  just wish he'd respect my boundaries and my relationship with Greg, but I know he doesn't have that capacity. I know him too well. But I've decided that I want to make this work out easier in regards to being more supportive to him, and hopefully relating as a friend minus the anomosity. Maybe it is me and not him... well ok, that's impossible. Perhaps though I don't accept enough responsibility as I should for our down falls. Guess I just felt like I should disclaim that he's not all bad, as I tend to paint him in a relatively unattractive light, and he does have his good points. Just sometimes they're harder to see than his nasty ones. But when you brush off all the cobwebs and crap he's not so bad. He's still a psycho and an asshole, but you know what I mean. :)

***

I spent four hours last night returning emails etc... thats WAY too much time. I still have more to do.  I know I haven't  been updating regularily lately, been really, really busy.

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I'm getting alot of hits from search engines under the keywords "incest" and that kinda pleases me. But yet I do wonder if the people that find this site are disappointed when they do find it. Its not much of a resource for information on the topic just my tedious drivelous story. Also been noticing that I'm getting hits from links pages that I never even knew I was included on, thats kinda cool. Although I'd like to know that I was linked, I still like that people have thought this site was worthy of space on their page. When I do find these pages I'm tempted to E-them but at the same time I don't wanna send any unsolicited mail, etc.

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For the record... if you do read this journal and are thinking of sending a mail in the future... feel free to tell me as much about yourself as you see fit. People often ask me if i mind hearing about personal info. My first thought is always that if you can read about my sex life, then why would I object to hearing about you? I love knowing who is reading, I like knowing how they found me, what we have in common, and all the rest of it... age, sex, orientation, etc. Its the sociologist in me that eats that up. Anyone that has written me will recognize that last line, I use it ALOT.

I did something really inane the other day and then felt a need to confess it to the person involved. I got some mail and feedback from someone in my hometown, and of course I looked up the name in the phone book outta curiousity. This person lives less than four blocks from me, and it again was one of those "its a small WWW moments". So I confessed this and immediately thought after sending the mail "what in the world were you thinking?" I tried to imagine how I would feel if someone told me over the net that they had access to my home phone number and address, and it would TOTALLY creep me out. I really have to show more discernment in the future. And for the record I only looked it up as I was curious, no ulterior motive etc. Again it was a sociological demographics thing, how's that for a disclaimer?

***

Well I'm off to fiddle with that whole webring thing, I wish Noah was online I could pick his brain to confirm stuff. At the same time I don't want  him to ever think that I ask too much from him. I can tend to be self involved (HELLO JAMES, you keep your diary online) at times and don't want to ever run the risk of asking too much or exploiting his time. I sometimes rely too heavily on the people both in RL and cyber that are the constants in my life. But I'm working on that.

PS: Henceforth the new roommate will be referred to as Daria. We have our new phone number now BTW, just don't ask me what it is please :)

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