Nov 24, 7:10pm

Not bad so far, just wasted a whole day on the net for a change *S*. Had a friend I haven't seen in about 5 years come by. Helped her find some info on cults for a school paper and showed her around the net. I could see it in her eyes, that look of "you poor dear, spending so much time on the net, you mustn't have a real life". Showed her my vanity page... one I created to show my online friends, just basically personal info type page. I think she expected to find the info to be rather scintillating and racy... oh well. Tried to explain how most people just use the net to divulge real info and not all of it is pornography, etc... not sure she was grasping it. Seems that most people who aren't connected have difficulty understanding that the relationships and friendships formed online can be as real (almost) as friends we collect in RL.

Got the ex boyfriend on ICQ right now, I wonder when he'll ever accept that we aren't support for each other anymore. It's hard to be civil to someone who went out of his way to make my life a living hell when we broke up. Let alone be a supportive friend to him when his lover moves out during the middle of the day. So basically that means that he's going through a break up and expects me to be there for him. All I wanna do is phone up his ex and congratulate him though, god I'm such a fucker... but all I wonder about is why it took him so long to wise up and leave.

Never understood that mentality of needing to have someone to "love" so desperately that you take any loser into your bed and your life. Why limit yourself to one person who definitely isn't "the one" and in essence close yourself off from meeting that person that could be your true partner. Same with losing your mind when a relationship breaks up, specially when it was nothing but discord and pain to begin with. Guess I'm not that much of a masochist anymore. I have trouble letting go of relationships once I felt they were cemented, and yeah... will tolerate a whole bunch of shit in the mean time. But I think I'm past that now, its easier to walk away I find... and I mean totally walk away. Not leave and then spend all my time lamenting and desiring that person like I used to.

Going over to my boyfriend's house in a bit here, and definitely he's the best one of the bunch (ex's), a friend recently met him and said "you'll never do better". Wasn't quite sure how to take that, and not sure if she understood how that could be perceived. So if I wanted to be negative I could interpret it to mean that it'll only be downhill from here on out, or I could see that ol' glass as half full and interpret it to mean that "damn he's a catch". And definitely he is, sometimes I look at him and wonder why he's chosen me, and will he wake up some morning and think "fuck I gotta get outta here". Logically I don't think he will but you never know.

We actually just got back together after a two year absence. His idea, he phoned me up and asked me to meet him for coffee, and at the end of the date he just spewed out all this info. About how I was the first man he'd loved and how he'd never gotten over me, etc. But in all honesty it was the first time I heard this from a man that my first instinct wasn't to get a restraining order against him. Been back together for a few months now and so far its excellent. Total trust, commitment, and honesty. What more could I want from another person? We broke up the first time because I wanted  to much from him,  wanted what he couldn't give me. Lot of that I think is due to the fact I need things defined, one of my worst habits, and when he couldn't define "us"... I gave him a kiss goodbye and walked. Probably was the best thing I ever did. Since he was the one that I couldn't stand to be without. Made me realize  what I wanted, deserved, and expected in another person. It damn near killed me but I definitely grew as a result. I don't feel as needy or dependent on his opinion now, I don't fear that he'll leave me or that I don't deserve him. God just typing about him makes  me so happy that I have him... one sec here, let me clarify. Not in a "oh god I don't deserve you sorta thing" but rather a "who knew that loving another could feel so good". Now I see why people have recommended healthy relationships for so long, there may be something in that thought pattern.

And on that note I'm gonna disconnect here and head over to his house... typing about him is one thing but holding him is another thing entirely *wink* *wink*. Hell day at work tomorrow, hopefully I'll actually get some sleep, its either that or medicate myself *UGH*.

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