Title: Mulder and Scully Don't Have Sex.
Author: Pandora2
Email: daphne@xfilesfan.com
Rating: PG...who knew?
Cat: SH crazyfic (tm) 
Keywords:  crazyfic
Spoilers: none.
Summary: The dilemmas of not having any inspiration
Disclaimer: why should I disown my own story???  I wrote 
the bloody thing after all
Feedback:Yes damnit you silly fools! 
Extras: Oh look! She's gone mad.  Gee damn, what a pity.  
Maybe now she'll finish that silly Utopia story…
what the hell possessed her to write it again anyway?
Dedication:  For Felicity and Amanda. 
The navy brat and the hick-town gal ;)  Naaah, we don't 
miss y'all  heh heh

***************************************************
Mulder and Scully Don't Have SexPandora2
***************************************************

The girl sat solemnly in her fun twirly chair.  She chewed 
absently on the end of a fountain pen as the Lop snuffled 
calmly on her lap.  
She was stuck.  Stuck-stuck-stucky.  It seemed to be that 
all the possible ways of getting Mulder and Scully into bed 
had already been used! 
What was she to do?*Eat carrots. *  Said the Lop.
The girl glared at the rabbit, who was now waffling its 
little nose in
innocence.  She huffed in annoyance and gently deposited 
the rabbit on the
carpet. 
"Hot damn," she sighed.  "How the hell am I going to get 
Mulder and Scully
to sleep together without sounding cliché?"
She glared again at the Lop before it said anything smart. 
She looked around her neatish room.  "Damnshitcrap." She 
muttered, as her
eyes traced the titles of books sitting on her shelves.  
"There's gotta be
some inspiration in here somewhere!"
Reaching up, she pulled a paperback off a shelf.  'Red 
Mars' the title said
boldly.   "Hmmm…" she furrowed her brow; she was sure there 
were a few
steamy scenes in this somewhere…Ah yes, here we go…
"She lifted her hand to touch his, and that was all it 
took. 
They left the trail and ducked into a thicket of pine.  
They stopped to kiss, and it has been long enough since the 
last time it
felt strange to her.  They sat on pine needles, rolled 
together like
students necking in the woods."
The girl closed the book with a laughing snort.  'A touch 
was all it took'
Honestly!  There was no way she was going to write a story 
like that…people
would die from sappy overdose. She tried it anyway, and 
this is what happened…**
" They ran through the woods in hot pursuit of the horrible 
plot device.
Scully in front and Mulder in tow.  Scully heard a muffled 
thud from her
partner and turned around.  He was just getting up, after 
falling over a
very large and conspicuous tree root.  
"Jeez Mulder, watch where you're going!" she scolded.  
There was a peal of
insane laughter in the distance.  "Damnit Mulder, you let 
the Plot device
get away."
Mulder grimaced and rubbed his leg.  "Don't worry.  We're 
sure to catch him
next time."  He walked over to Scully and took her delicate 
hand in his.  
 That one touch was all it took.  They were suddenly in 
each-others arms.
Scully managed to pull him off the path and into a thicket 
of pines, where
they rolled together like a pair of horny teens.**
The girl read over what she had written and chocked down a 
horrified
scream.  It was bloody awful.  She couldn't post that on a 
mailing list!
Suicide.  It was so damn fluffy you could commit murder 
with it.
*Scully should offer him a carrot. *  Snuffled the Lop.
"Listen to me you silly lump of snuffling' buck toothed 
bunny," the girl
said, picking the rabbit up off the floor,  "There is no 
way on earth
Mulder and Scully will get together because of a freaking 
carrot.  Is that
clear?"*Lettuce? *
"No!"  She put the rabbit back down.  Then,  "Romance and 
Vegetables do notmix."
*Sure. *  It said, and bounced away.**
/Stupid talking animal. /  Thought the girl to herself, /I 
don't know why I
bother sometimes. /
"Ah yes, inspiration!"  Exclaimed the girl, remembering her 
task.   There
was a handy pile of pre-printed fanfiction sitting on her 
desk.  She picked
them up and filed through them.  'Master Plan'  'Favours'  
'VanPool'  'The
Forgotten Ones'  'The Shirt' 'Remembrance'  'Dickless'  
'Babysitting VII'…
'Scully offers Mulder a carrot stick'…What!?
She checked the title again.  Yes, indeed it said what 
she'd thought it
said.  "Hmm." She murmured,  "I don't think I've read this 
particular piece
before…"She opened the page up, and started to read 
cautiously…**
"Mulder sat at his desk watching Scully eat her lunch.  A 
carrot stick,
Long, stiff, orange, and crunchy.  His stomach grumbled, he 
was hungry. 
How he longed for the carrot Scully ate.  How he longed to 
be her carrot.
That way he'd never go hungry again.  A trickle of drool 
bungee-jumped from
his mouth, swinging in mid air and then landing in a splat 
of enzymes on
top of an X-file folder.  "Mulder?"  
He looked up from the folder he was now cleaning.  His 
partner was looking
at him in concern.  "Yeah Scully…?"
"Are you okay?  You looked a little lost there, and then 
you starteddrooling."
 "Ah, yeah. I'm okay.  I was probably daydreaming."
Scully looked at him strangely and then nodded,  "Perhaps 
you're hungry
Mulder, would you like the rest of my carrot? You haven't 
eaten all day."
Ah, Scully the psychic.  You just had to love her for that 
quality.  He
nodded,  "yes. Yes I am quite hungry actually.  Are you 
sure I can have
your carrot?  You looked ravishing…Ravenous! Earlier…"
She shook her head and placed the remainder of the carrot 
in his hand.
"It's okay Mulder, you can eat my carrot."He accepted it 
with a smile…"**
The Girl slammed the story shut before it could get any 
worse.  Her eyes
narrowed.  That damn rabbit!"Lop!"  She yelled,  "Get your 
furry ass here now!"
No answer.  Well, she wasn't really expecting one anyway, 
the stupid rabbit
could dish it out but he couldn't take it.
She closed her eyes and rubbed her nose, turning the radio 
on for the news.  
`I…. am hooked on a feeling…I'm high on believing…that 
you're in love withme…'
"Eek!"  Screamed the girl as she slapped the radio off.  Oh 
no, there was
no way she was gonna write a songfic. No Way.  She 
remembered the last time
she wrote one…pure disaster.  
…But still she could try…its wasn't a whole song…just two 
lines, really…
No, no.  She wasn't going to fall for that one again.  
That's what she said
to herself the last time.  Uh-uh, never again.But never was 
a long, long time…
Which of course meant she wasn't going to write one!
Well, when in doubt you could always fall back on a 
stakeout scene…**
"They sat in the rental car.  It was cool outside, and the 
air-conditioning
kept a warm breeze wafting through the vents.  
Scully watched her partner snore in his sleep.  It wasn't a 
loud snore; it
was more like the consistent low hum of a bumblebee.
Stakeouts were boring.  They were worse when your stakeout 
partner fell
asleep and started snoring.  
She softly ran her fingers over his chin to see if it'd 
wake him up.  It
didn't, he did a broken snoring-snorty thing and turned the 
other way,
continuing his cacophony.
Scully crossed her eyes in frustration and sighed.  It was 
her turn to
sleep and his turn to watch now.  The log had been sleeping 
for an hour and
thirty minutes already!Something had to give.
"Mulder…" she whispered seductively,  "Mulder…its time to 
wake up…"He grunted.  
"Hey Mulder c'mon!" Grunt.
Scully ran her hand over his chest,  "Hey big-boy, time to 
wake up."
Snort Snuffle Grunt Shift.
She humphed in frustration.  The porno approach usually 
worked on him.
Obviously not this time though. Maybe singing the anthem 
would work…
"Sta-ar SpAAAN-gled Baaaaaan-ER!"Moan.
Okay, fine.  Screaming the spangled banner at the top of 
her lungs wasn't
going to help either.  She had one last resort.  They had 
sworn to keep
their private lives separate from the job, but if this what 
it would take,well…
She smooched him.  Right in the kisser.**
"No, no, no."  Said the girl.  Why did everyone have to 
write in a kiss
before they got to the smut?  What if the characters didn't 
want to kiss?
Perhaps they were in too much of a hurry to worry about 
that crap and went
straight for the gold?
Pfft!  It'd never catch on.  You couldn't screw someone 
without
touching…unless of course you didn't exist…like in that 
weird story with
the stellar body thingy…
This was dumb.  Why the hell was she trying to write a 
fanfic anyway?  No
one really appreciated her stuff. She didn't even like it! 
Well…no point writing a story that nobody wanted to read.  
Was there?
Pfft. Fancy that, a romance without a kiss.  What a silly 
idea.

***************************************************
And so they danced the night in sweet content.  His arm 
round her
shoulders.  Hers about his neck.   She looked deep into his 
pretty hazel
eyes and said…"I love you."The End.
***************************************************The End.

What the hell? You're still here?  Well come on then! What 
are you waiting
for!?  Send me feedback silly!Credits:Story Titles featured 
in this story:
Red Mars by Kim Stanley RobinsonThe Master Plan by Pandora2 
(ooh that's me!)
The Forgotten Ones by um…uh…Favours by Kris Hughes (I 
think…)
Van Pool by Margi Magiuilly (sp?)The Shirt by Audrey Rodget
Babysitting 7 by Pandora2 (ooh! Me again!)Remembrance by 
FBI Woman
Stories featured in this story in order of appearance:
In Pursuit of the Godawful Horrid Plot Device by the Lop 
Dickless by the Lop (title only)Scully offers Mulder a 
Carrot by the Lop 
Stakeout Boredom by the LopSong credits:
'Feeling' (title?)  By whoever the hell wrote it 
(bof.)'Star Spangled Banner'  
Real Disclaimer:
Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter.  The titles of 
the stories listed
above belong to whoever wrote them.  The songs I used 
belong to whoever
wrote, sung, and composed them.
I don't mean to piss anybody off by using these items.   
Excuse me.
No rabbits, pine trees, or carrots were harmed during the 
making of this
film…story.Feedback you fool! Feedback!daphne@xfilesfan.com.


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