From: daphne@xfilesfan.com To: upyours1013@rock.com Subject: new story: The Master Plan Date: Tuesday, November 24, 1998 1:56 AM --> it's good, no? This must be the craziest thing ive written...so far muahahahaha! Title: The Master Plan Author: Pandora2 Email: daphne@xfilesfan.com Rating: G-PG Category: SH Keywords: nasal abduction- conspiracy alternate universe... (aw..) Badfic! Muahahahahaha! Spoilers: none! Summary: Mulder's nose is abducted by nasty, mean, horrid conspiracy types. Disclaimer: This story is mine and no one else's. So there. Read someone else's disclaimer. They're all the same anyway. 'xept for the ones that are different (ha ha) Notes: herm...I guess I'm really bored with all this MSR smoochy stuff that's going around (not to say that it's bad! MSR is good!...) I just think that its high time I wrote something completely different, something extremely silly,(rise voice) something that could change the world (though I seriously doubt it) so I decided upon the abduction of Mulder's lovely nose. (NB. this was originally gonna be a mulderglasses fic, but I just couldn't hack it) humour story humour story humour story humour story. (did I mention humour?) I just hope that you lovely readers don't find this extremely stupid, I'll be oh so sad if you do :P Feedback is appreciated. Criticism (constructive) will also be tolerated. ************************************************************ PLAY MY GAME!!! Read the poem and the story, find the hidden clues that should lead you to the names of the three conspirators. Write them down and send your answers to me at (: good luck! :) ************************************************************* An awesome verse I've made for you, And a silly story, too. Read each line and word alike, twist the clues to get it right. Find the nasty villains three, who joined in on this conspiracy. Which nasty bastards did the deed then?, was it Skinner, Scully, The Lone Gunmen? Was it Cancerman, or Eugene Tooms? He emits those liver bile fumes Could dear Deep Throat have bagged the nose, or maybe X, what do you suppose. Who would've, without a doubt, taken Mulder's oversized snout? Could it be, an X file man? Descended from some African clan? DENY EVERYTHING, TRUST NO ONE, too. If it wasn't me, Then who? Quick! Find the villains right away! Send all answers to Panders without delay. Are you right? Yay or nay? *************************************************************** The Master Plan Pandora2 ~~~~~~~~~ I AINT TELLIN', WAIT AND SEE. They came in the night. Dark, shadow men, out to deceive, inveigle and generally obfuscate the truth from the eyes of those who sought it. Into the dark apartment they crept. One stubbing his toe on a misplaced video called 'Squeeze II, the sequel'. "Oof!" "Shhhhh!" "Alright, alright, I'm sorry! sheesh!" "Shhhh!" "Mrnmpf" Silver moonlight flashed its ivory cheeks upon some shiny new pliers. Squeaky noises, like rubber shoes on polished floorboards were made. Ransom notes were written. Something squishy was dropped into a sack. With sadly unpractised grace, the stealthy conspirators made their exit, leaving the victim none the wiser. ~~~~~~~~~ MULDER'S APARTMENT, DARK AND DISMAL Mulder drifted reluctantly from dreams of frolicking Bovines and clucking chickens. He couldn't quite put his finger on it as he fumbled off his blankets, but he knew it was there. Something. Was. Wrong. He sat up quickly, hands waving frantically as he searched for his gun. Something crackled. A ransom note. Mulder brought it to his face for closer inspection. It read; Your nose, Mr. Mulder, is in our possession. If you ever want to see it again you must see a variety of contacts using several strange methods, for instance, taping little X's to the bottom left hand corner of your window, or ringing Marita Covarrubias on (04) 131-189-201 Or writing to Mr. Deep Throat at: West 457 Long Named Avenue, Lot no. 57A Boston, MA There are many different ways you can find us, you just have to know where to look. (to quote a certain someone, "That's why they put the I in the FBI") FXXRXXIX ... er, The Consortium. Mulder's hands flew to his nose, and smacked right into his forehead. GASP!!! NO!!! Alas, his nose was not there! What ever could he do?! He leapt up from his couch and ran into the bathroom, and looked into the mirror. No, his mind whispered, this isn't happening. "Bastards," Mulder muttered, as he prodded the flat expanse of skin where his nose used to be, "They just walked in and screwed it off. Just like that!" A look of determination tried to settle on Mulder's face, but slid right off at the lacking nose. He brought his fist down heavily on the sink. "Damnit," he growled, "I want my nose back. And I'm gonna get it back. And I won't stop searching for it until its back, safe and sound, with me." ~~~~~~~~~~ Mulder watched himself as he dressed in front of the mirror for work. He ran a mental check up of what he was wearing to make sure everything was ok; Underwear, check. Shirt, check. Trousers, check. Blazer, check. Unsightly tie, check. Great, everything was just fine, except for his nonexistent nose. He would have to find a makeshift nose to fill the space. Mulder went through his cupboards and drawers to search for a temporary replacement. There was an old, mouldy sultana under his shoes. Mulder stuck it on with some U-tack and looked in the mirror. No, the mouldy raisin would never do. He rummaged some more, aha! a pencil! he stuck the pencil down and admired his reflection. Hmmm...no, it was just to thin and pointy, and he looked like Mr. Squiggle. At last Mulder found a smallish carrot. It was a bit shrivelled, but otherwise in good condition. He stuck the carrot to his face. Perfect! it was wonderful! The carrot would do just fine. Nodding in satisfaction, Mulder turned and exited his apartment, off to work. ~~~~~~~~~ FBI, PLACE OF MYSTERY (this caption writing job sucks.) Mulder ambled slowly to his lovely office. Scully, his trusty partner, was already there. She looked up as he came in. "Morning Mulder. Nice carrot, special occasion?" "No," Mulder replied, "It appears that the consortium has abducted my nose. Can you believe it?!? Those bastards! I bet that Smoking SOB is in on this! ugh!" Scully frowned, "How can you be sure, Mulder?" "I'm not. But they left a note, look here, it says to tape an X to the bottom left hand corner of my window." "Hmmm," Scully murmured, "That's quite interesting. Do you think we'll be able to lift any prints?" "Perhaps," he said dismally, "But I'm not going to rest until I get my nose back. That's for sure." "Mulder, you're starting to Whine." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm Not!" "You are. Just consider yourself lucky they didn't take some other body part," she gestured vaguely with her hand. "What else could they have taken?" Mulder asked in confusion, "I haven't got anything else for them to take." Scully looked up, "Oh, right. Sorry, my mistake." "y'okay." Skinner suddenly appeared. "Hello Agents," he noticed Mulder's lack-of-nose, "Oh my god, Mulder, Where is your nose?" Mulder stroked his carrot-slash-nose, "It's been abducted sir." Skinner nodded understandingly, "Abducted 'eh? We'll you're in luck Agent Mulder, I happen to have been speaking with the Well Manicured Man. He told me that he knows where your nose is, and he can tell you, if you meet him by the Memorial fountain at two o' clock." Mulder nodded and looked at his watch. "Ah, yes, time appears to have suddenly rushed forwards and it is now two o' clock. I'd best be off." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEMORIAL FOUNTAIN The Well Manicured Man (who we will now call 'WMM') was waiting expectantly for him by the fountain. "Ah, Mr. Mulder," He said in his posh, weedy voice, "So glad you could come by." Mulder lifted his eyebrow. "I'm sure you are," he replied, "So...you said you had some information as to the whereabouts of my nose?" WMM nodded, "Yes I do, but I would rather if I told you in a more private place, " he gestured to a nearby cafe, "Over there, perhaps?" Mulder sighed, "Well if you want to go to a cafe, why didn't you say so before? Why do all of you contact types insist on inconvenience?" The WMM shrugged, "Its rule number four hundred and forty-two in the consortium guidebook; never be convenient, " he started towards the cafe, "Are you coming?" ~~~~~~~~~~ THE CAFE Mulder and the WMM seated themselves at a table by the window. "So..." Mulder hinted. The WMM put down his coffee, "Ah yes, your nose. Well Mr. Mulder, all I can do is give you these coordinates and these photographs. " WMM placed a folder of photos on the table along with some coordinates. Mulder picked them up and flipped though them. "Oh god." Mulder mumbled, horrified. "What have they done? My poor nose." There were three pictures, each of his nose, locked up in a little cage with a bowl of water and a leaf of lettuce. There were other body parts trapped there too, in separate cages, Ears, Legs, Stomachs, Livers... He looked up to speak to the WMM, but he had gone. 'Damn conspiracy contacts,' he thought, getting up from the table and collecting the photos and coordinates. 'They never stay long enough.' ~~~~~~~~~ SCULLY'S HUMBLE...APARTMENT 8:00 pm Mulder knocked on his partners door, she opened it and let him in. "Mulder, what are you doing here? Are you drunk?" Mulder grimaced, "Why do you always ask if I'm drunk, Scully? Anyway, I need your help." "What for Mulder? Have you found a lead as to where your nose is? That carrot's getting mouldy." Mulder nodded and handed his partner the photo's and coordinates. "Here, look at these. I asked the Guys to find where these coordinates were. They belong to a big, dark, spooky, abandoned warehouse on the I-86. I have a strong feeling my nose is being held there." Scully nodded, and handed him back the photos. "Sure Mulder, I'll help you. You may get a little emotional when we find your nose. We might need backup too, you never know when there's a nasty alien hiding behind a box," she paused, then, "Uh, Doesn't the I-86 run through Oregon?" Mulder puzzled over that for a few seconds and then shook his head, "I hope not, let's just pretend it doesn't ok?" "OK." "Lets go then." ~~~~~~~~~~ BIG, DARK, SPOOKY ABANDONED WAREHOUSE ON INTERSTATE ROAD 86 The warehouse was, as described, was dark, spooky and definitely abandoned. The Agents took out their trusty flash lights (completely ignoring the light switch , of course) and shone them around. Something wet dripped from the ceiling, yellow, and smelling like bile. A skittery rodent scampered behind a box. The pair trod carefully across the concrete floor, in between the forest of old wooden crates and cages with body parts. Scully's flashlight caught something glittery in its path. She tapped Mulder's shoulder. "Mulder, look," she whispered, keeping with the spookiness, "Over there." Mulder looked, and saw the gleam of metal Scully's flashlight held. "Lets go see what it is, Scully," he said. Scully nodded, and they advanced slowly towards the thing. "Oh no," Mulder whispered as they came to stand in front of it, "My nose!" Indeed, there was his nose, lying on its side in a metal cage, drugged and unconscious. Scully held Mulder back, "Wait Mulder, it might be a trap. Let me just shoot off that padlock before you save your nose." Mulder nodded emotionally, looking longingly at his poor nose. Scully aimed, and fired. The thick lock came off easily. Mulder rushed forwards to retrieve his nose. "Stop. Right. There." The pair turned, a nasty mean horrid conspirator stood behind them, his arrow-shooting-pipe-thing (ASPT) covering them both. The agents gasped; "Oh no! it's a hideous plot device!!" Mr. Conspirator Man advanced slowly towards them, his ASPT level to their heads. "Yes, that's right," he mocked in a half- whisper, "I am the hideous plot device from hell...but you may call me 'Mr. Conspirator Man'," he paused, thinking of what to say next. "Ah yes, that's right," he said, pulling out a piece of paper, "Okay, now...hmmm...bler bler bler bler...here it is, okay." Mr. Conspirator Man started to read from the paper, "Dear Ethyl, your large round bre…oh, wrong one. Wait a minute." He took out another paper, and started to read… "Mua-ha-ha-ha-haaaa-r. I am the hideous plot device from hell. I am here to slow the end of this story. You'll never get away Mulder and Scully, and your precious nose will never be seen again! Mua-ha-ha." Mulder nodded solemnly, hypnotised by the Conspirator Man's lilting African voice. He took a subtle step towards the cage that held his nose. "FREEZE!" Yelled Mr. Conspirator man, training his ASPT on Mulder's nose, "One more step and the nose gets it!" Scully took this moment to whip out her gun and shoot the Conspirator Man in the shoulder. The hideous beast doubled over in pain, and fell, dead on the floor, his eerie pink-red eyes staring at the ceiling. Scully turned to Mulder, "Quick Mulder! get your nose!" Mulder nodded and ran to the cage, he opened the door and retrieved his nose. "Oh my sweet, sweet nose," he whispered, "It was such sweet sorrow to have parted with you, but now you're back, safe and sound, with me. I love you, nose." Scully sighed and smiled happily, glad to see her partner re-united with his beloved nose. She stood up from where she was tending Mr. Conspirator Man and took Mulder's arm, "Come on Mulder. Our work is done here, let's go home." So they did. If you love something, let it free, If it comes back to you, It's yours. The Strange But True End. Hope y'all enjoyed it!!! Pandora2 daphne@xfilesfan.com FEEEEEEEDBACK!!!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEASE!!!! if you don't give me feed back, my alien friends will come and get you. I will also send ALL my Hideous Plot Devices after you as well. :)) Are you playing my game? here's an end poem with hints to help you through: ************************************************************* Now my simple story's done, Who is conspirator one? The careless fool, who stubbed his toe, wasn't it on a VIDEO? Whose ghastly interest in body parts, that drip slime and bile upon our charts, would drive them to such hideous crime; who stole Mulder's snout this time? Enlighten me on Number Two, there was at least, a single clue. Mr. Mulder, did he not say, TRUST NO ONE on some fateful day... Well Manicured Man, do you think? Does he have that filthy stink? Now then, Who is Number Three? Bright Pink Eyes, on a shooting spree. Does it not make, your PITUITARY ache, to know your Noses life is at stake? Who was it then, with foreign lilt, that put dear Nose's' time on stilt? Deceive, Inveigle, Obfuscate, a saying that can seal your fate. So tell me now, my dearest friends, who stole the nose? That's where it ends. send your answer straight away, are you right? yay or nay? **************************************************************** / \ / \ \ / \ / ########## ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ | _ _ | | | | |_______________ \ / * \_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- * \~~~~~~~/ ^ \ **** \ || || / * | ****** \____/ ^ / \_/ \ / * / / | | ^ \ / | |\----------/ \ | | | \ / | | | | ~~~ ~~~~ ////// /////// ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "moo moo the cow" COPYRIGHT © 1998 pattie pictures™ ltd. pointless productions™