By
Paradox761
members.tripod.com/~Paradox761
Disclaimer:
Joss owns Buffy, SpikeTV owns MXC, I don’t even own the car I drive. No copyright infringement is intended so
please don’t sue, I’m broke.
Summary:
It’s Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, Buffy style.
Author’s
Note: This is my first real attempt at comedy and my first attempt at writing
script style, so I appreciate all the feedback I can get, good and bad.
Dedication:
To Helen and Nikki, for whom I do everything.
And my angels, Jordan and Jessica.
May they rest in peace.
(BtVS/MXC,
Rated ‘R’ for violence and crude humor)
*
(Establishing
shot: A group of Japanese people running through a wooded area.)
VO: What are these people running from? They’re not, they’re running to the world’s most extreme game show. Today’s competition will pit Demons against Champions. It’s Good vs. Evil in the ultimate grudge match. Get fired up for MXC, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge! Now here are your hosts, Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano.
(Cut
to Vic and Kenny, sitting in their usual places with their minions behind
them. Kenny is wearing a bad Dracula
outfit, complete with plastic fangs.
Vic is wearing a blonde wig and holding Kenny at bay with a cross.)
Vic:
Back! Back foul demon!
Kenny:
Hey, who are you calling foul? I took a
shower last week.
Vic:
Be that as it may Ken, you’re still a vampire.
And it’s my duty as a slayer to kill you.
Kenny:
I thought slayers were all hot chicks.
Vic:
Right you are Ken, but this is only a demonstration. Were I an actual slayer I’d be forced to take a wooden stake and
thrust it into your cold, dead heart.
Like this.
(Vic
picks up his folded Japanese fan and pokes Kenny in the chest with it.)
Kenny:
Ow! Hey, watch where you’re sticking
that thing! I thought slayers just had
sex with vampires, why do you think I’m dressed like this. I was hoping that I would be the one doing
most of the thrusting.
Vic:
Kenny! That’s a terrible thing to say,
how could you even think that! That’s a
slanderous rumor that happens to be only partially true.
Kenny:
Whatever, I still want to bag myself a slayer.
Yummy.
Vic:
Indeed Ken. For now let’s throw it over
to Guy LaDouche and get this party started.
Guy?
(Cut
to Guy standing outside.)
Guy:
Thank you boys. Today we start with
Rotating Surfboard of Death, followed by the ever-popular Dash to Death, then
we move on to Big Brass Balls, and finally we finish with Log Drop. As you know, many of today’s competitors
have special powers and abilities, so we’ve made a few changes to the games to
make things a little more interesting.
Should be fun, yes no? Now let’s
turn it over to the Captain, whose talking to the contestants as we speak. Take it, Skipper!
(Cut
to Captain Teneal standing in front of a group of people and demons, all of
them wearing little red helmets. One
demon in particular with rather large horns coming out of his head has a helmet
dangling from the end of each horn. The
Captain leans on his baton as he begins to speak.)
Captain:
How many of you think that demons were on this Earth first, and as such they
deserve to rule over the lowly human virus that has infested this planet?
(All
the demons cheer.)
Captain:
Well, you’re wrong. Humans are the
higher evolved creatures. We’ve created
a grand civilization, filled with cities and wonders of the modern age. While most of you demons still wander around
in the sewers, and don’t know how to use anything more technologically
complicated than a sword. Plus, you
smell.
(A
Fyarl demon stands up from the back of the group and growls loudly. The Captain waves his hand in front of his
face as the foul breath reaches him.)
Captain:
See what I mean. Let’s go!
(The
Captain waves his baton in the air and the competitors take off running. Vic and Kenny speak in voice over as we
watch the players pushing and shoving each other.)
Kenny:
The Captain better be careful, some of those players could tear him limb from
limb.
Vic:
Right you are, Ken. But the Captain is
a professional, he can handle a few demons.
Kenny:
Actually I was talking about the slayers.
I hear that when women live together they get on the same cycle. Can you imagine all those slayers PMS-ing at
the same time?
Vic: Kenny!
That’s a terrible thing to say, how can you even think that! It’s sexist, and chauvinistic, and although
true, politically incorrect, and we have sponsors to think about.
Kenny:
Whatever.
(Cut
to the Ken-o-tron for Rotating Surfboard of Death, Vic and Kenny are still
speaking in voice over.)
Vic:
Now, the object of this game is to hang on to the board, dodge a dolphin, and
get to the other side without falling into the mystery fluid. Kenny, tell the people where the mystery
fluid comes from today.
Kenny:
Originally it was runoff from a slaughterhouse, but the vampires kept drinking
it. So we added a couple tons of raw
sewage, and a few other surprises. The
smell should make some of the sewer dwelling demons feel more at home. It’s getting pretty ripe in here.
Vic:
Right you are Ken, but I don’t think that has anything to do with the mystery
fluid.
Kenny:
Hey! You sweat in a vinyl Dracula cape
all day and we’ll see how good you smell.
(Cut
to Rotating Surfboard of Death as the first contestant is walking up. The Captain blows the whistle and swings his
baton. Vic and Kenny are speaking in
voice over.)
Captain:
Get it on!
Vic:
Our first contestant today for the Champions is Xander Harris, he works as a
contractor and is one of the founding members of the famous Scooby Gang.
Kenny:
Hey, he’s only got one eye.
Vic:
Indeed Ken, Xander lost his left eye during the epic battle against the First
Evil last year.
Kenny:
Well how’s a normal human with one eye supposed to go up against vampires and
demons?
Vic:
He’s been doing exactly that for over seven years now Ken, and he’s still alive
and kicking.
Kenny:
I still think he’s going to get his ass kicked.
Vic:
Easy there Kenny, Xander happens to be *my* contractor, and a good friend I
might add.
Kenny:
What do you need a contractor for?
Vic:
Remember that party you threw at my house last week? All the drywall damage, the front window that *you* broke.
Kenny:
That was an accident.
Vic:
You threw a keg of beer through it, how is that an accident?
Kenny:
Well, you have to expect that kind of thing if you invite your rowdy friends
over.
Vic:
They weren’t my friends, they were yours!
And you invited them!
Kenny:
Yeah, but you invited *me*.
Vic:
No I didn’t, you just showed up!
Kenny:
Whatever.
Vic:
(sighing) Let’s get back to the action.
(Xander
jumps onto the surfboard as it comes by.)
Vic:
He’s off to a good start, down on all fours.
Kenny:
I believe that position is called the ‘Spank Me, Mommy’.
Vic:
Right you are Ken, and now up into a ‘Front Facing Pirate’. He’s approaching the dolphin…oh, and he’s
over it! But that was quite a rough
landing and I don’t think he has enough time to get up before he reaches the
platform. It looks like he’s just going
to roll off the back of the surfboard and…oh my, no! He’s hanging off the back of the rotating surfboard of death, his
feet mere inches from the mystery fluid!
He’s still alive in this one, Ken.
Kenny:
Amazing, but he still has to pull himself up before he gets to the end…
(Xander
pulls himself up enough to hit the second dolphin face first. He loses his grip and back flops into the
mystery fluid.)
Vic:
Oh, and he’s down! What a tremendous
effort, unfortunately it just wasn’t enough.
Let’s go down to Guy LaDouche on the sidelines. Guy?
(Cut
to Guy standing in front of the camera.
In the background we can see Buffy and Willow arguing with a mud-covered
Xander.)
Guy:
Guy here, it appears that our friend Xander is in some trouble with his
teammates. Let’s listen in.
Xander:
Buffy, it’s just a game.
Buffy:
Exactly, and I don’t want you getting hurt over just a stupid game.
Xander:
I’m not hurt! I fell in some dirty
water, the only thing bruised is my ego, I’ll be fine.
Buffy:
All the same, I don’t think it’s worth the risk. These aren’t just normal games, they’ve been supped up for demons
and slayers.
Willow:
She’s right Xander, you could get hurt.
(Xander
rolls his eyes and sighs, obviously tired of having the same argument over and
over again.)
Xander:
If that’s how you feel, fine, I’m not going to talk you out of it. All I can do is wish you guys luck and give
you a big sloppy bear hug.
Buffy:
Good, I’m glad you see it…wait, what now?
(Before
they have a chance to react, Xander grabs both girls in a bear hug.)
Buffy:
Ah, gross!
Willow:
Xander, get off!
Xander:
Good luck girls, I’m rooting for you.
(Xander
walks off with a smile on his face.
Camera zooms in on Buffy and Willow as they simultaneously look down at
themselves caked in mud, and then at each other, and then forward at the
camera, both frowning. Xander can be
heard laughing off camera. Guy leans
into the shot.)
Guy:
Looks like there’s trouble in paradise on the Champions side. Back to you, boys.
(Cut
back to Rotating Surfboard of Death, a demon with gray skin and sharp teeth
walks up to the starting platform.)
Vic:
Our next contestant for the demons is Parnak the Devourer.
Parnak:
Human, the other white meat!
Kenny:
Yikes, I wouldn’t want to run into him in a dark alley. Or a brightly lit one for that matter.
Vic:
Indeed, Ken. It says here in his bio
that Parnak killed and ate all of the contestants in the 1985 Miss South Dakota
beauty pageant. Very unfortunate.
Kenny:
I thought women liked getting eaten?
Vic:
Let’s get back to the action. Parnak is
starting his run. He has a good stance
as he approaches the dolphin…oh, and he’s over it! He doesn’t seem to be having any problem with this event at all,
Ken.
Kenny:
Yeah, I hear human flesh is high in protein.
I bet he’s in great shape.
Vic:
Right you are, Ken. He’s approaching
the platform now, and he’s on it. He
takes a moment to growl at Chief Autoparts.
Now he’s back on the board, over the second dolphin…and he’s done
it! Parnak the Devourer has just scored
one for the demons! And just look at
the smile on his face. He may be a
soulless evil killing machine, but on the inside there’s just a scared little
boy looking for approval.
Kenny:
Yeah, that’s because Parnak ate him.
(Cut
to Guy nervously holding a microphone up to Parnak.)
Parnak:
I’m going to celebrate this victory by going out and getting a Big Mac.
Guy:
Oh, I didn’t know demons liked McDonald’s.
Parnak:
McDonald’s? Hell no, I mean I’m going
to go eat a fat Scottish guy.
Guy:
Please don’t eat me, scary man!
Parnak:
Don’t you worry your pretty little pith helmet, I hate French food.
(Cut
back to Rotating Surfboard of Death.)
Vic:
Next up for the Champions, it’s Rona Watson.
She’s a slayer from Chicago, Illinois.
Her likes include long walks on the beach and the killing of the
undead. Her dislikes are people who
talk at the movies, and obnoxious guys named Kenny who wear orange kimonos.
Kenny:
Mmm, dark meat. Kenny like.
Vic:
Kenny, are you even listening to me?!
Please, try to control yourself, you’re a professional broadcaster…ah,
never mind. I forgot who I was talking
to for a second.
Kenny:
Yeah, me a professional, HA!
Vic:
Let’s get back to the action, Rona is just about to start her run. She’s stepping onto the surfboard now…and
she’s down! That one’s going to get an
MXC Impact Replay.
(Cut
to replay of Rona falling in slow motion.)
Kenny:
As you can see, right here she overcompensates for the speed of the surfboard,
losing her balance, and tumbling head first into the mystery fluid. She may be a slayer, but right now she’s
just a dirty girl. Which is just how I
like ‘em, yummy.
(Cut
back to Rotating Surfboard of Death. A
vampire in full game face wearing a Cleveland Browns jersey steps up.)
Vic:
Finally, we have Charlie Babaganoosh.
He’s a vampire who’s originally from Sunnydale, but moved to Cleveland
after the town was destroyed in the battle with the First Evil.
Charlie:
Go Browns!
Kenny:
Wow, he must be a real glutton for punishment.
Vic:
You mean moving from one Hellmouth to another?
Kenny:
No, I mean being a Browns fan. They
suck.
Vic:
Right you are, Ken. It looks like
Charlie is getting ready to start. He’s
on the surfboard, so far so good.
Coming up to the dolphin…and he’s over, he sticks the landing! He’s got a good stance, coming up on the
platform now. He’s up, can he pick it
up on the other side. He steps off…and
no, he’s down! Into the mystery fluid.
(Cut
to close-up of Charlie in the mystery fluid, thrashing around and screaming.)
Charlie:
AAAAHHH! HELP ME, GET ME OUT OF THIS!
Vic:
We should mention that the name of this event, Rotating Surfboard of Death, is
a bit of a misnomer.
Kenny:
Yeah, it’s actually more of a boogie board.
Vic:
Right you are, Ken. The death part
though is quite correct, at least for vampires. One of the things we added to the games today to make them more
interesting was 50,000 gallons of holy water in the mystery fluid.
Kenny:
Yeah, it was blessed by MXC’s own Father Laffy Pants.
Charlie:
IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Vic:
So after one event the demons are on top one to zero.
(Cut
to montage of clips from Dash to Death.)
Announcer:
Coming up next, Dash to Death. Stay
tuned for more MXC, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge!
*Commercial*
(Open
with replay of Charlie Babaganoosh thrashing around in the mystery fluid and
disintegrating.)
Announcer:
Welcome back to MXC, where the evil minions of Hell are taking on people who
think good is swell. (mumbling) Who
writes this sh*t?
(Cut
to Vic and Kenny, back in their normal outfits.)
Kenny:
So then the vampire hooker says ‘two pints of O positive, same as in
town’. Ha ha ha ha!
Vic:
I don’t get it.
(Xander
enters from the side, he’s wearing a kimono similar to Vic and Kenny’s only
it’s black highlighted in silver, and he’s carrying a folded fan.)
Xander:
I think he told it wrong.
Kenny:
Hey, it’s that guy with the eye-patch.
Vic:
Xander, what are you doing up here?
Xander:
Well, since I’m no longer competing today I thought I’d come up here and hang
with you guys. Your wardrobe department
was kind enough to lend me the outfit, what do you think?
Kenny:
You look like a Japanese pirate.
(Vic
hits Kenny with his fan.)
Vic:
You look very stylish, Xander. Take a
seat.
(Xander
sits down next to Kenny.)
Vic:
Well, the vampire ashes have been skimmed from the top of the mystery fluid so
it’s time for our next game. Dash to
Death!
(Cut
to the Ken-o-tron for Dash to Death.)
Vic:
The object of the game is to race across the obstacle course without being
dashed to death.
(Cut
to Dash to Death. The same demon with
the large horns from the beginning steps up and growls unintelligibly. He’s about 8 feet tall with dark red
leathery skin and spikes jutting out of his spine. He shakes his head and the two crash helmets dangling from each
horn go flying.)
Vic:
First up for the demons, it’s Taz. He’s
a berserker demon. His hobbies include
goring parked cars and playing poker for kittens.
Kenny:
That’s a strange name for a demon.
Xander:
Actually it’s a nickname, his real name is just a collection of grunts and
guttural noises. He got the name Taz
because he sounds and acts a lot like the Tasmanian Devil. (pause) What? He plays poker with a friend of mine, Clem.
Vic:
It looks like he’s getting ready to start.
(The
Captain blows the whistle and waves his baton.)
Captain:
Get it on!
Vic:
And there he goes, past the Zygote brothers.
Xander:
I know it’s their job to try and distract the contestants but maybe someone
should have warned them that it’s not a good idea to piss off…
Vic:
Oh, the Zygotes have just been thrown into the mystery fluid!
Xander:
…a Berserker Demon. Oh well, at least
he didn’t gore them.
Vic:
And now he’s moving onto the brain scrambler, where…oh my.
Kenny:
Wow, that’s got to be an MXC first Vic!
The brain scrambler has become impaled on one of the demon’s horns.
Vic:
Right you are, Ken. And he doesn’t
appear to notice that it’s there.
Xander:
I doubt he even felt it, Vic. I once
saw a Berserker take a baseball bat to the back of the head and not even
flinch.
Kenny:
I bet whoever was swinging the bat was hurting the next day.
Xander:
Well, my shoulder was a little sore but other than that I was fine. (pause) What?
Vic:
He’s moving past the Grinder with no trouble, and…oh, he jumped completely over
the ejaculator and into the contraceptive sponges! This is quite a display of athleticism.
Kenny:
Yeah, and he’s good too.
Vic:
Right you are, Ken. And now here comes
the angry dragon…and he bats it away with very little effort. Through the sponges, over the spinner, he’s
really moving now!
Kenny:
Here come the swinging nards of doom.
Vic:
He catches the first one and throws it back, oh and it collides with the second
one, knocking it back. And here he just
swats the third one away with an angry growl!
Kenny:
Wow, I haven’t seen anyone handle balls like that since that time I walked into
your dressing room without knocking.
Vic:
He’s approaching the ropey strand, eyeing it nervously. He hasn’t grabbed it yet, I don’t know what
he’s…oh, he jumped! And he made
it! Unbelievable, he jumped from the
last platform all the way to the goal without use of the rope or the floating
landing pads and he has done it and scored another point for the demons!
Xander:
That’s right Vic, and if you take a look at the impact replay, right here you
see he knows that rope isn’t going to hold him so he just hauls off and leaps
across to the goal.
Kenny:
Hey, talking over the impact replay is my job!
Xander:
Now let’s go down to Guy.
Kenny:
HEY, throwing it over to Guy is my job too!
(Cut
to Guy standing six feet away from Taz, holding a microphone on a very long
stick.)
Guy:
That was quite a run.
Taz:
Blargtsda (Growl) Traklert (Slurp) Jaolrrrrplog (Drool) Brraloslfmn (Spit)
Pratkglh!
Guy:
Well said.
(Cut
back to Dash to Death.)
Vic:
Next up for the Champions, it’s Rupert Giles.
He’s the on-again, off-again watcher of Buffy Summers.
Kenny:
Being a watcher sounds cool, you get to watch slayers all day long. Working out in spandex or some short shorts,
kicking ass all the time. I’d do that
job for free.
Xander:
It’s a little more complicated than that, Kenny. There’s training, and research, and more training, and even more
research. So much research that you get
a chest cold from all the dust you’re inhaling from musty old books. So much research that you feel like if you
read one more sentence, your eyes are going to fall out of your head. So much research that you find yourself
speaking ancient Summarian to the drive-thru speaker at Taco Bell. I mean…it’s a lot of research, that’s all
I’m trying to say.
Vic:
Right you are, Xander. Not to mention
the fact that the relationship between a watcher and his slayer is based on
trust, and romantic entanglements only serve to complicate it.
Kenny:
Who’s talking about romance? I just
want to tap that ass. (Starts making
spanking noises with his mouth.) Yeah
baby, who’s your daddy!
Vic:
Let’s get back to the action, Mr. Giles is just getting ready to start his
run. And there he goes, he’s past the Zygote
brothers, onto the brain scrambler.
He’s slowing down, oh and the brain scrambler misses him
completely. He’s making his way past
the grinder, moving very carefully…oh, it looks like he’s losing his
footing. And he slips and takes a
header into the mystery fluid! Let’s
take a look at that again on the MXC Impact Replay.
Xander:
Right here you see where he slowed down just before the brain scrambler
dropped. You can see right here, he’s
actually looking at the shadow on the wall behind him. He can tell exactly when it’s going to drop,
and he deftly avoids it. A very clever
strategy, unfortunately it wasn’t enough.
Vic:
Right you are, Xander.
Kenny:
Hey! You did it again. Are you trying to steal my job or something?
Xander:
Kenny, of course not. You’re keeping me
in business. You throw a couple more
parties at Vic’s place and I’ll have enough money to get that Jet Ski I’ve had
my eye on.
Kenny:
Consider it done.
Vic:
Kenny, no! No more parties at my house!
Kenny:
Whatever.
Vic:
(sighs) Next up for the demons we have Delilah Harlot.
Delilah:
Stiff me and I’ll rip out your jugular.
Vic:
She’s a vampire who runs ‘Delilah’s Den of Debauchery’, a demon brothel in
Reno, Nevada where their motto is ‘We’ll suck more than just your blood’.
Kenny:
Yeah, they’re having a special this month on tentacle intercourse, two orifices
for the price of one. She gave me a
coupon before the game for a free penguin job, I thought that was nice of her.
Vic:
Right you are, Ken. And there she goes,
she’s off to a good start so far. Past
the Zygotes, oh she takes a brain scrambler to the head but she keeps
going. Past the grinder, she’s got a
good pace going. To the ejaculator, and
a good bounce into the contraceptive sponges.
She’s approaching the angry dragon, and oh! She takes a hit straight to the face, and she’s in the mystery
fluid!
Xander:
Wow, you’d think she’d be more experienced taking balls to the face like that.
Vic:
Right you are, Xander. And now we’ll
take a short pause while we wait for her body to dissolve completely in the
mystery fluid.
Delilah:
I’m melting! What a world, what a
world…
Kenny:
I wonder who’ll run the Den of Debauchery now.
I hope they still take my coupon.
Vic:
I’m sure they will, Ken.
(Delilah’s
body dissolves into ash, a guy in a biohazard suit walks up with a pool skimmer
and scoops the ashes out of the mystery fluid.)
Vic:
Finally, our last contestant in this event is Kennedy Babaganoosh. She’s a slayer who fought in the final
battle of Sunnydale. Her likes include
‘Girls Gone Wild’, and bossing people around.
Her dislikes are people who point out what a bitch she is, and the male
genitalia.
Kennedy:
My last name’s not babaga-whatever.
Kenny:
Yeah, well, we don’t know what your last name is so we just made one up for
you.
Xander:
You know, that’s strange. She’s my best
friend’s girlfriend and I don’t know what her last name is either.
Kenny:
I thought your best friend was a chick.
Xander:
She is, Willow.
Kenny:
You mean…her and that redhead chick are…they’re…they’re…
Xander:
Lesbians, yes. (pause) Kenny, are you
okay? Kenny? His eyes just got all glassy and he’s staring off into space, is
he okay?
Vic:
He’ll be fine in a little while, I think he just overloaded.
Xander:
Oh, okay.
Vic:
It looks like Kennedy is getting ready to start, and there she goes. Past the Zygotes, past the brain scrambler,
she just bats it away like it’s a beach ball.
Onto the grinder, wow she’s really moving out there.
Xander:
For a slayer, this course is no problem, a walk in the park.
Vic:
Over the ejaculator and into the sponges, past the angry dragon. Over the spinner, through more sponges. And here come the swinging nards of doom.
Xander:
One…two…and three, she’s past them.
Vic:
She grabs the ropey strand…and she’s across, she’s done it, she’s put the
champions on the board! That was just
amazing, don’t you think Kenny?
Kenny:
…Lesbians…
Vic:
Indeed Kenny, indeed. After two events
the demons are still on top two to one, but the champions are catching up and
this is still anyone’s game.
(Cut
to clip montage of Big Brass Balls)
Announcer:
Coming up, the contestants see who can hold onto their balls the longest, when
we return to Most Extreme Elimination Challenge!
*Commercial*
(Open
with replay of Kennedy’s run from Dash to Death.)
Announcer:
Welcome back to MXC, where the forces of light are taking on the forces of
fright. (sighs) That’s actually worse
than the last one, do they really expect me to read this crap? (sound of paper crumpling) Ponderous,
f*cking ponderous.
(Cut
to Vic, Kenny and Xander. Kenny is
wearing a tweed suit and a pair of wire rim glasses. He’s holding a cup of tea in one hand and a cricket bat in the
other.)
Kenny:
(w/ bad British accent) Welcome back, old beans. We’re off to a rousing start here, with the demons thrashing the
champions two to one.
Vic:
Kenny.
Kenny:
Anyone else like a spot of tea, maybe some bangers and mash?
Xander:
Kenny.
Kenny:
How about a game of grasshopper?
Xander:
I think you mean cricket.
Kenny:
Whatever.
Vic:
Kenny, what are you doing?
Kenny:
(drops accent) I heard the Watchers Council is being rebuilt so I wanted to
show them how stuffy and British I can be.
I’m hoping they’ll recruit me.
Xander:
Are you really serious about this?
Kenny:
I’m always serious when it comes to hot chicks.
Xander:
I tell you what, I’ll talk to Giles and get him to lend you one of his
journals. You page through it, and if
you’re still serious, I’ll get you an interview.
Kenny:
Really? Cool. Slayers here I come.
Vic:
Let’s get back to the game.
(Cut
to Ken-o-tron for Big Brass Balls.)
Vic:
Our next event is Big Brass Balls. The
object is to get across the rickety bridge without getting you or your balls
shot off.
(Cut
to Big Brass Balls.)
Vic:
First up for the demons, it’s Parnak the Devourer. You might remember him from earlier, when he scored during
Rotating Surfboard of Death.
(Parnak
walks up, wiping his mouth with what looks the tattered remains of a kilt. He tosses it aside.)
Parnak:
*BUUUUUURP!*
Xander:
That’s the problem with demons, no table manners.
Kenny:
*BUUUUUURP!*
(Vic
and Xander look at Kenny.)
Kenny:
What?
Vic:
Let’s get back to the action. The
Captain is lobbing Parnak a brass ball, and there he goes. Cautious but steady. We probably should mention that since this
game isn’t played over water…
*BOOOOOOM!*
(A
canon ball sails through the air, decapitating Parnak. His headless body stays standing on the
bridge for a second before falling over into the net.)
Xander:
Holy shit!
Vic:
As I was saying, since this game isn’t played over water, we’ve replaced the
normal volleyballs we launch at the contestants with cannonballs. To make the game more interesting.
Xander:
Don’t you think maybe you should have told the contestants ahead of time?
Kenny:
Where’s the fun in that?
Vic:
Next up for the Champions, it’s Andrew Wells.
He’s a former super villain, turned to the side of good in a quest for
redemption.
Xander:
What? Who wrote that?
Vic:
Andrew did, he gave it to me before the show.
Xander:
Tell you what, let me do his intro.
Next up is Andrew Wells, former pain-in-the-ass turned to the side of
good in a quest for not getting killed.
(Andrew
runs out onto the bridge and immediately dives off into the net, screaming.)
Vic:
Well, that was an interesting strategy.
Next up for the demons we have…
(Vic
is cut off as an unidentified demon runs onto the bridge and immediately dives
off into the net, a cannonball just missing him.)
Vic:
As I was saying, next up for the Champions, it’s Willow Rosenberg. Best friend of the slayer Buffy Summers,
original member of the Scooby Gang, powerful witch, once tried to end the
world. Her likes include mochas, and
spending time with her friends.
Dislikes, frogs.
Kenny:
Hey Xander, she’s your best friend, right?
Xander:
Right.
Kenny:
So how come you don’t look worried that they’re going to shoot cannonballs at
her.
Xander:
Willow can handle herself.
(The
Captain launches Willow a brass ball, which she catches. She hovers a few inches off the bridge, not
even touching it. Several cannonballs
are launched, only to be stopped in mid air several feet away from her. She floats to the other side, and the cannonballs
fall harmlessly into the net.)
Kenny:
Hey, no fair!
Xander:
You altered the games to account for special abilities, you can’t complain when
somebody uses them.
Vic:
Right you are, Xander. Willow has just
scored for the Champions, and that means after three games, we’re all tied up,
two to two. Just one more event to go, which
means it all comes down to this.
(Cut
to clip montage of Log Drop.)
Announcer:
Coming up next, Log Drop. Stay tuned or
we’ll tell the demons where you live.
*Commercial*
(Open
with a replay of Willow’s run from Big Brass Balls.)
Announcer:
Welcome back to MXC, where it’s the Good vs. the Bad and the Ugly.
(Cut
to Vic, Kenny and Xander. Kenny is back
in his normal clothes.)
Xander:
Kenny, what happened to the tweed? I
thought you wanted to be a watcher.
Kenny:
I did, until I looked at that journal thing you gave me.
Vic:
Ah, so now you see that being a watcher takes dedication and hard work, that
it’s not just about ogling young girls in spandex.
Kenny:
Nah, I didn’t read it. Once I saw how
thick it was, I knew being a watcher wasn’t for me. Reading blows. I was
thinking, maybe I can be a sidekick or something, you know, comic relief.
Xander:
Ah, now you’re speaking my language Kenny.
Maybe I can help you out, give you some tips. It can be a thankless job at times it’s true, but I think you’ll
find it rewarding. In fact, I talked it
over with the others, and we’re going to make you both honorary Scoobies.
Vic:
Well that’s very kind of you Xander, I’m honored.
Kenny:
Yeah, cool, sidekick to the slayer. We
get to fight evil, and watch the slayers train, and hang out with the lesbians,
and…um…lesbians…
Xander:
I think I overloaded him again. Sorry.
Vic:
I wouldn’t worry about it, he does that a lot.
Xander:
Yeah, he’s definitely perfect to fill my old spot as comic relief.
Vic:
So, if you’re not comic relief anymore, what are you?
Xander:
Oh, I can pull off anything from gun toting badass to dashingly handsome
romantic lead. It depends who you ask.
Vic:
And what role would I fill?
Xander:
I think you should do what you do best, play-by-play.
Vic:
Speaking of play-by-play, let’s throw it down to the Captain and start our last
game, Log Drop.
Kenny:
Lesbians…
Vic:
Right you are, Ken.
(Cut
to Ken-a-tron for Log Drop.)
Xander:
The object of Log Drop is to get across the spinning logs to the other side
without falling into the liquid below.
Stay dry good, get wet bad. In
some cases, very bad.
Vic:
Right you are, Xander.
(Cut
to Log Drop.)
Captain:
Get it on!
Vic:
First up for the demons, it’s Willy the Snitch. He’s the owner and proprietor of Willy’s Alibi Room, a seedy
demon dive on the outskirts of Sunnydale.
He deals in blood, and information if the price is right, or if someone
sufficiently scary threatens to break his body in half.
Xander:
Hey, what’s Willy doing competing for the demons, he’s human?
Vic:
Well, it seems the demons recruited a few humans. I guess they didn’t think it was fair that any time one of them
failed an event, they were burned to death in a mixture of raw sewage and holy
water.
Xander:
Spoilsports.
Vic:
Quite.
Willy:
I just want to say, that I’m competing here today to show all those people who
think I’m just some pushover punching bag they can come to and kick the crap
out of whenever the mood suits them that I’m a person too. I have feelings, and desires, and…
Captain:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let’s get going pipsqueak.
Vic:
And he’s on the first log, with a little helping push by the Captain…and he’s
down!
Xander:
And that’s going to be an MXC impact replay.
Take a look right here at the way he goes face first into the second
log, using the soft cartilage in his nose to break his fall. And just look at the way he curls up in the
fetal position as he hits the water.
This is a man who knows how to take a beating.
Vic:
Indeed. Let’s throw it down to Guy.
(Cut
to Guy standing next to Willy, covered in mud.)
Guy:
Aren’t you afraid your teammates will be upset with you for not making it
across?
Willy:
Are you kidding, I’m covered in enough holy water to keep them away for
weeks. If it weren’t so bad for
business, I’d jump in again. This might
be embarrassing, but it beats getting pushed around by the slayer.
(Buffy
steps into the shot and pushes Willy to the ground with a yelp, causing Guy to
jump.)
Buffy:
I just want to say, that I’m up next, and the Champions have got this game in
the bag. This thing is no match for a
slayer.
Guy:
What about me, am *I* a match for a slayer?
Buffy:
Piss off, twerp.
Guy:
Ooh, forceful, Guy like.
(Cut
to Vic, Xander, and Kenny. Kenny is
staring off into space with a smile on his face, Vic and Xander are just
staring at the camera, puzzled looks on their faces.)
Xander:
O…K.
(Cut
back to Log Drop, Buffy climbing the stairs.)
Vic:
Next up for the Champions, it’s Buffy Summers.
The longest lived, and generally regarded best slayer on record. Her long list of victories include The
Master, Mayor Richard Wilkens III, Adam, Glory, and of course, The First
Evil. Her defeats include her death by
drowning at the hands of The Master, and her death to close a portal to Hell
created by Glory.
Xander:
And one time I beat her at Crazy 8’s.
Vic:
And one time Xander beat her at Crazy 8’s.
So, what do you think of her boasts?
Is Log Drop truly no match for a slayer?
Xander:
Well, it all depends. Log Drop is all
about balance, and quickness. Slayer
speed will certainly come in handy, but last I checked, slayers don’t have an
increased sense of balance. Don’t get
me wrong, I have every confidence that Buffy can do it, I’m just not sure how
much of a factor her slayer abilities are going to be.
Vic:
Well, we’re about to find out. Buffy is
just beginning her run now. Oh, and
she’s off to a quick start, hopping from log to log seemingly without too much
trouble at all.
Xander:
I guess I was wrong Vic, maybe Log Drop really isn’t a match for a slayer.
Vic:
She’s almost at the end now, one more log to go. And…she stopped on the last log.
She’s turning around and waving to her teammates. She’s crouching down now, it looks like
she’s…oh! She fell, she’s in the mystery
fluid! Now that definitely calls for an
MXC impact replay.
Xander:
As you can see here Vic, it looks like she was trying to back flip onto the
platform from the last log. But she
pushed off too hard and the log rolled out from under her, sending her crashing
down, and into the mystery fluid.
Vic:
Unbelievable. She was doing so well,
what do you think possessed her to try something so risky?
Xander:
She got cocky Vic, plain and simple.
Vic:
Let’s throw it down to Guy and see what Buffy has to say about it. Guy?
(Cut
to Guy standing next to a very muddy and unhappy Buffy.)
Guy:
What happened?
Buffy:
I…I don’t understand it, I should have won.
I always win!
Guy:
Perhaps Guy can comfort you in some way, a foot rub or maybe a back rub. You look very tense, I could just…
(*CRACK*)
Guy:
OOOOWWWWWW!
(Cut
to Vic and Xander staring into the camera.)
Vic:
O…K.
(Cut
back to Log Drop.)
Vic:
Next up for the demons, it’s Rak. He’s
a human sorcerer who specializes in exploiting those with magic addiction
problems, feeding off of their power.
Xander:
I thought he was dead?
Vic:
True, he was. But since when is death a
permanent thing when it comes to the people you deal with.
Xander:
Good point.
Vic:
He’s starting his run now, looking confident.
He seems to be using some kind of magic, the logs aren’t moving at all.
(A
green bolt of energy crackles across the air and strikes Rak in the head,
sending him tumbling into the mystery fluid.)
Vic:
Oh, and he’s down! Where do you suppose
that burst of energy came from?
Xander:
(deadpan) I haven’t the foggiest.
(Cut
to Willow, polishing her nails on her shirt and whistling innocently.)
(Cut
back to Vic and Kenny, Kenny still staring off into space.)
Vic:
Well, that leaves one last contestant left in regulation, and that’s Dawn
Summers. Can she break this tie and win
it for the Champions? What do you thing
Ken? Kenny? Kenny! Nana Blankenship
called, she said your cat Mr. Sphincter just went all over your copy of Shaved
Grannies.
Kenny:
What?!
Vic:
Just trying to get your attention, Kenny.
We still have a show to do here.
Kenny:
Where’d Xander go?
Vic:
He went down on the field to offer support to his friends.
(Cut
to Xander and Dawn, standing next to the Log Drop course.)
Dawn:
I don’t think I can do this, Xander.
Xander:
Of course you can, just remember what I told you. Step lightly and quickly, and whatever you do, don’t try to do a
back flip.
Dawn: I’m serious Xander, if Buffy couldn’t do it,
what hope do I have?
Xander:
Buffy made a mistake. Just because
she’s the slayer, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t make mistakes. And just because you’re not, doesn’t mean
you can’t do this. I believe in you
Dawn, and I’m going to be right here cheering you on. I know you can do this.
Come on, have I ever steered you wrong?
Dawn:
Well, there was that time you told me that Twinkies were good for you.
Xander:
They’re full of rich creamy goodness.
Dawn:
And that time you told me Star Wars was real.
Xander:
I have yet to be proven wrong about that, it takes place in a galaxy far far
away. Let me rephrase my question. Have I ever steered you wrong when it
mattered?
Dawn:
No, you haven’t.
Xander:
So believe me now, you can do this.
Dawn:
I can do this.
Xander:
Damn straight.
Dawn:
I can do this. I can do this.
(Cut
to Log Drop, Dawn coming up the stairs.)
Vic:
Dawn Summers is the younger sister of the slayer, Buffy Summers. Actually, she’s a mystical ball of energy
known as the Key, given human form so that she would be protected from the evil
Hell goddess Glorificus. All the same,
she’s the Champions last hope for a win in regulation, and she’s about to start
her run.
Kenny:
If she doesn’t score here, we’re going into a sudden death tie breaker, with
actual death!
Vic:
Right you are, Ken. And there she
goes. She’s a little shaky to start,
but she’s doing well. Good balance,
good form. You can hear her friends
cheering her on from the sidelines. Oh,
and she slipped…but she caught herself.
She’s still alive.
Kenny:
She’s gone into a Scary Uncle, that’s a tough move to pull off.
Vic:
Right you are, Ken. But she’s doing
it. She’s hopped over to the next log,
and the next, and…she’s done it! She’s
made it to the end and scored one for the Champions! That’s it, that’s the end and the Champions have won it 3 to
2! And just look at her teammates,
gathering around to congratulate her and celebrate their victory.
(Dawn
rushes over and hugs Xander as everyone gathers around celebrating. A few moments later, Vic and Kenny show up,
Kenny jumping into the crowd and latching on to Willow and Kennedy who are
hugging. Vic shakes Xander’s hand to
congratulate him.)
Xander:
I told you you could do it, Dawn.
(Willow
and Kennedy extricate themselves from Kenny and shoot him a weird look.)
Kennedy:
Come on Willow, let’s get out of here so we can celebrate a little
more…privately.
Willow:
Sounds good to me.
(Kenny’s
eyes bug out as the pair leave hand in hand.
He turns to Xander.)
Kenny:
You think maybe me being an honorary Scooby and all, they might let me watch?
Xander:
Couldn’t hurt to ask.
(Kenny
smiles and takes off running after the pair.)
Vic:
Kenny wait, we still have one more thing to do before the show is over!
Xander:
It’s okay Vic, I got it covered. Give
me the intro.
Vic:
Now it’s time for Ken…I mean, Xander Harris’ 10 most painful eliminations of
the day!
(Replays
run of each elimination as Xander reads them off.)
Xander:
Number 10, it’s Charlie Babaganoosh. He
was the first to find out that the Rotating Surfboard of Death isn’t just a
clever name. Number 9, it’s my good
friend Giles, who managed to use his watcher training to watch the brain
scrambler before it hit him, but couldn’t watch his own footing right here as
he slips into the mystery fluid. Tough
break G-Man. Number 8 is Delilah
Harlot, the hooker with the heart of black, who takes a few balls to the face,
and ends up in a pool skimmer. Coming
in at number 7, it’s yours truly, whose hair-raising run on the Rotating
Surfboard of Death came to a sudden end when I came face to face with a pink
dolphin. I’m usually much better with
things that are pink and fishy, I swear.
Number 6, it’s Willy the snitch, who takes a face plant right into a
log, and then gets shoved around by a slayer.
Don’t worry, he’s used to it.
Number 5 is Parnak the Devourer, who loses his head during Big Brass
Balls. Coming in at number 4, it’s
Andrew Wells, who takes a header into the net before his run even starts. Probably the smartest thing you’ve done all
year, Andy. Number 3, it’s…actually, we
never got this demon’s name, he jumped into the net before he was even
introduced. Probably the smartest thing
he’s done all year too. Number 2 is Rak,
the evil sorcerer who gets blasted by some mystery magic, and ends up sucking mystery
fluid. Couldn’t have happened to a
nicer guy. And the number 1 most
painful elimination of the day has to be…Buffy Summers. She starts off good, but tries to impress us
all with her gymnastic skills, and ends up face first in the sludge. Ouch, that had to hurt.
(Cut
back to the group celebrating next to the Log Drop course.)
Buffy:
I’m hurt Xander, I thought we were friends.
Xander:
Ah, come on Buff, we are friends. But
even you have to admit that that was pretty stupid. But it’s okay, you don’t have to be the hero all the time. Today it just happens to be Dawn.
(Xander
lifts Dawn onto his shoulders.)
Xander:
Three cheers for Dawn! Hip hip!
All:
Hooray!
Xander:
Hip hip!
All:
Hooray!
Xander:
Hip hip!
All:
Hooray!
Vic:
Well, that’s our show folks. Make sure
you tune in next week, when pro golfers take on their archrivals, the trucking
industry. Until then, I’m Vic Romano,
for Kenny Blankenship, Xander Harris, and everyone else here at MXC, what do we
always say?!
All:
Don’t get eliminated!!
The
End.