Oh bless the continuous stutter
Of the word being made into flesh.
--L. Cohen
Contents
alcohol/sober
alcohol
LSD
high dose LSD
LSD-nitrous-mushrooms
sober
sober
3dg mushrooms
3.5dg mushrooms
2-C-T-7
just a disclaimer, i do not condone (yet neither do i condemn) the use of alcohol for insight or evolution. yet, i cannot lie, or omit info as to my state of mind when i wrote these things. i am phasing alcohol out of my life as i write this, yet every once in awhile i've found that it's let itself in through the back door. sonofabitch must have a key. i will get the locks changed, as soon as i've got the cash. ;)
11-8-97
So here i am, drunk and stuff, and i want to philosophize about the world. And i want to feel like i'm posting it to the world, but really i just want to tell you. But i guess that's telling of the fact that i think you are the world. More specifically, i think you are God. No, i do not think you are THE god, the god of christianity that you worship so faithfully. I think you are the most perfect interpretation of God that i have ever seen. That is why i consider our relationship a religion. That may seem heretical to you. I can see why. But it isn't really. Most people never see a person representing their perfection, so they have to worship a "made up" entity, that they label as God. But you are my perfection. I consent to the fact that you did not create the world. But in some past life you must have created mine. And in some past life i know i created yours. We created each other for each other. SO which came first, the chicken or the egg? Well, that's the $64,000 question, right? When we know the answer, we will have the meaning of life, right? No, the meaning of life is the asking of the question, and the figuring it out. When we have the answer, the life will be over. People want their lives to be over, that's why they ask questions like that. It's all very sad. Anyway, I am going to tell you something now that I wasn't going to until you came to Florida, but you probably won't figure out the password until you come to Florida so it's all the same anyway. I am going to become an ordained minister and I will marry us. In fact you should too, so we can marry each other. That's really the only way. We can still have your dad marry us for symbolic and public purposes, but I honestly believe that no one should officiate our union except the two of us. For me at least, because i feel that we are our own religion. I want to know more about how our union gets in the way of your Christianity. That worries me, not for my sake, but for yours. I think it's something we need to talk about. We kinda skipped over it in NY. Because you are my Lord I will do NOTHING to get in the way of your beliefs. I guess I have a very condescending view. That is bad. I know. I need to stop being condescending, but it's hard when you THINK you're right. It's sad, really. I believe that you already believe what i believe, your view is just {squish} condensed. Smaller. Yes, the word I am getting to is *narrow*. I think Christianity is the narrow view of religion. Although correct, narrow. Orthodox Christianity, that is. Maybe I'm making assumptions about your system of beliefs again. I don't know. I just know that i'm rambling and it's going on my web page. Good? Bad? Both, i'm sure. Everything is.
9-28-97
and then theres that thing that we cheerfully assume that we can never find
out, but it felt like i was finding out. i write this as if it's easy to
contain myself, sit calmly and meticulously write down each word. a very
difficult task indeed.
saturday, jan 29. D's place. present: D, B, shiva, and G (friend of mine from omega, who [long story] stayed at my house for a week. love her to death. great connection) dose: 30 mg. 2-c-t-7 [ http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/2ct7/2ct7.shtml ] around 7pm. phenanthylamine. i am the first one to feel the effects. within a half an hour it is coming on pretty strong. open eye visuals. energy that is already in the air becomes visible, sort of thick. nausea sets in. i get up to vomit. can't vomit. this is unpleasant, but not upsetting. i understand that my body wants to purge, and that when it is ready, it will. i warn everyone that i might get up and run to the bathroom at any time. all are cool with that. we start off with reiki, on my stomach, then on G's who has also started to feel nauseous. the guys are not feeling it kick in the way we girls are. G gives D some reiki for some upper respiratory problems he's been having. i run to the bathroom a few times, the stuff is really kicking in now. i greet the toilet and make friends with it. laugh hysterically a little. finally i manage to vomit, but not food or liquid, just bile. once it is out i feel MUCH better. probably a little just before i puked i decide clothes are no good, on my way to the bathroom each item flies off and gets discarded, underwear last as i shut the door to the bathroom and go in a puke. ah that feels Great! G needs to puke. she is not used to puking in any situation, she explains, asks me to help her. i go into the bathroom with her and tell her to make puking noises, that her body will just follow suit. suddenly i begin singing spontaneously. when the song is over, G promptly pukes. we agree it was some kind of purging ritual that obviously worked. the guys are maybe feeling they should be getting off harder, so boost with 5mg. after that, all of a sudden at once we all look around and realize that we reached the same 'level' and are tripping fairly equally. i am naked and feel awesome that way. no one else is, but no one seems to be uncomfortable by my being so and i barely notice for the rest of the time, other than to relish in it and think idly that living in a naked commune might be fun one day. as the peak approaches, intensity builds. confusion becomes apparent. sometimes i think there is someone sitting beside me, when i look on the other side of the room i count everyone sitting there and have to look beside me a few times to be sure no one is there. my sense of direction gets confused, is the bathroom over there or is that the kitchen? the open eye visuals are so intense that they are nearly blocking out the room as it was when i was sober. the trip is not just in my head though, as lsd sometimes is, it is fully in my body and mind. my body and mind are united, my movements are my thoughts, i see the relation of everything to everything. the energy exchanges and motivations of everyone including myself are readily apparent, no matter how deep and hidden the motivations were when sober. this trip is very full of content. finding out what actions and thoughts of mine give clues to the fact that i don't fully trust in the source, that i don't fully forgive myself. definitely showed me where i need to continue working, and that it can be done. music is utterly amazing, have never heard it this amazing before under the influence of any drug. during the peak i also notice a definite alien / entity theme. G and i are on a level of connection which is deep, we can look at each other and know we are experiencing the same trip. one time we are looking around at the energy in the air and suddenly it coalesces in one spot. "did you see that" "yeah." we watch it slither around and go to her. she starts "playing" with the energy with her hands, but is also directing it with her thoughts, these two actions are the same. her chest rises and her mouth opens. it wants to speak through her. "should i let it?" she asks me. she is afraid. it is not bad intentioned, necessarily, but it is not necessarily good intentioned either. the not knowing in itself is a little threatening. i don't know what to tell her. she directs the energy elsewhere. we are amazed. later i am lying on the ground looking up and i see this circular black thing on the ceiling with something protruding from the middle of it. it is vibrating. it makes an energetic connection with my stomach, it wants to "work" on my stomach or something. i am feeling hesitant to let it and scared. not an overwhelming scaredness but a hesitant nervousness. i ask them to look at the ceiling and what is that? the fan, D answers. i want to laugh, but it's obvious that an entity is inhabiting the fan. it's not just the fan. i can barely see the fan, in fact, i can just see this thing. i don't remember now, but i seem to think that G saw this being as well. there was no *obvious* goodness to these entities, hence the hesitance and scaredness. this drug is quite alien. these are my first contacts with entities. i have hair extensions in my hair and they are getting in my way. i ask for scissors to cut them out and then mention that i will cut off all my hair. everyone argues. cut off your hair? i cannot understand their logic at the time. it's just hair. i was totally detached. if someone had handed me clippers i would be bald today. later i realize that my armpit hair is some image thing which is just to be a hippie or something. i ask for a razor to shave it off. D gets me a disposable razor and shaving cream because i ask for it and i smear shaving cream and start pulling the razor across my underarm. as soon as D realizes that i am pulling a very dangerous thing across my skin he promptly takes it from me. crisis is averted. i have shaving cream all over me and go out to the living room. dancing is divine. the world around me is a "book" so to speak, telling me things i need to know, occurrences in my life, important things to me. stuff i did, but didn't think hard enough about finally hit me. but the people who are acting out this play don't realize it. they are just saying stuff they normally would say but somehow my mind is interpreting things as if the universe is telling me specific messages. we find out later that supposedly women react much more strongly to this drug than men, hence the men having to boost to achieve our level. i try to play the didjeridu during the peak because i suddenly hear the didj in my left ear, and sort of space the didj is playing in. it is calling me. but i cannot while peaking. my train of thoughts is not a train at all, but totally disjunct. attention span is short. start playing, need water, go to get water, forget what i'm doing, etc. as the peak declines, didj becomes possible and is AMAZING, all three lay on the ground beside each other and i go from person to person, the didj does its stuff and i just follow along. it is in total control and doing a fine job. the guys writhe in enjoyment. G is more still. we end just laying together on a blanket on the living room floor, together, tired, reminsicing all the weird, fun, crazy happenings of the night. B gets a headache at the end and i offer head and neck massage / reiki, turning into back massage. whoa! totally amazing. my mind is still blown. i am tempted to say this was my most intense psychedelic experience. it is definitely in "competition" with the mushroom vortex i experienced last summer. the entities esp. intrigued me. integrating this experience is happening still and probably will for awhile. it was hard, it was intense, it was also very blissful. it was that dose which was just a little more than i could handle, which i felt was best because it didn't leave me sitting there enjoying it, but rather put me on a roller coaster which i kind of had to navigate. so interesting, challenging, and awesome.
hi, i've been tripping all night. (first confession)
*i wish i was with you (department of redundancy beaurea)
*i wish i knew how to spell
*i wish i knew why LSD became illegal in the first place.
*i wish everything i learn was instantly given to your brain so i would never have to
explain everything i do for the next four years cause i know i'll never be able to tell you
everything because of my sheer memory capacity. But how can anything go on in my life
that i don't tell you about???
*if i sound repetitive, or like i'm answering my own questions, it's probably cause i am.
duh.
*i'm not erasing the parts of this that i think are dumb and will look dumb because i know
you'll find them funny or something, so i'm just gonna keep writing, unabridged of my
though processes.
v*i wish i knew what i could study for four years that wouldn't seem like a burden.
*this is not my christmas list
*i wish it was, then maybe santa would see that my wishes would come true, since i am
such a good girl...
*i wish i didn't have a paper due in 24 hours that i haven't started on
*i'm sure you wish i didn't feel it necessary to keep you informed of all my idle wishes.
*too bad
*(kidding)
*(i know you want to hear about all of my idle wishes, that's why it's sux cause i could
never remember them all to tell you)
*(that's why i'm writing some now)
*i wish you had been online the past couple days, or that i hadn't slept through the times you
had been.
*i wish the psychedelic revolution was now.
*you and i will start our own religion, and i will learn how to spell.
*our psychedelic revolution is now.
*we just have to actualize it
*in the form of LOVE
*i know how to love you
*i need to learn how to stop hating other people
*i feel that i would have loved the people who lived in the 60's.
*is that true, or am i just making excuses for my loathing of my peers?
*is there really any difference in the *mindset* of people from the 60's and people from the
90's??? i feel there is. that's why i hate people today, because i feel that people could be
so much nicer!!!!
*why is everyone so MEAN???? people should LOVE each other!!!!
*but no, everyone has hidden motives, other agendas, and general stuff that is SOOOOOO
important. People make themselves feel important with the stuff they do, saying it's more
important than the stuff YOU do. they're more important, they don't have to smile, they
don't have the time, you are a speck on their shirt that fucking shirt that got pressed
yesterday for a measly $1 at the fucking dry cleaners and THAT is what makes them so
fucking important. They have otherpeople do their shit for them, their dirty work. but that
doesn't make them better. why do they think that???
*why do they think that????
*WHY DO THEY THINK THAT????
8::::::(
* i know....not everyone is like that...
*BUT YES THEY ARE!
*everyone has their hidden *social*agenda that makes them higher on their social latter and
more acceptable and more likely to be chosen....in any given situation for any given gofer
duty that they don't really want to do anyway, they just want to be able to relegate it to
some other speck at a later date when they are getting their shirts drycleaned.
*but everyone thinks they're better.
*everyone
*you do
*i do
*everyone does. just on different levels
*you and i think our love is better than anyones
*i think the psychedelic system is better than anyones.
*lauren thinks here illogical *rationale* is better than anyones.
*are we all wrong????
*or are we all right???
*(understand these are all rhetorical questions, save this transcript for discussion at a later
date)
*well, obviously some are more right than others....
like me and you
*no, that's biased
*that's wrong
*
*
*BUT IT'S NOT!!!!
*my main conflict is that i am exactly what i am expressing discomfort in the society about.
*that because i think this is right, what i think is right, then i'm better than everyone. but my
system says that i'm an asshole for thinking that cause i'm not!
*my contention is that if i were in the 60's this would not be true. everyone would want to
LOVE and BE LOVED and there were no BIG people who thought they were so much
better than you but
*YES!!!! those people exist everywhere, what, do i think the sixties were some huge era
where no one had an EGO?????
*NO!
*more people were working on the whole buddhist non ego thing, so more people were
probably *groovy*, but there were probably just as many jerks.
*so i don't like the jerks!
*but i probably am a jerk.
*what conclusions we've come to.
*so i am a jerk.
*but i don't think you're a jerk
*but i know you would like jerks, because it is your nature to like everyone
*(jerks=big ego people wanting to flick specks aside and get their shirts drycleaned)
*so my effort to prove that i'm not a jerk through some other theorem has not worked.
*you can see their good sides and set aside the fact that they are living huge illusory lives
and they never see the Big Picture.
*ok, i see that as a flaw in people
*that is why i think all these people are jerks. they are all living in this rat race and
PROMOTING IT!!!! and i just can't associate with that. that's why i can't make any new
alliances. because everyone to me seems to be promoting the rat race
*I can't relate to promotion of the race
*i shouldn't see it as a flaw that people live under this illusion.
* i should understand that many people may recognize the illusion for what it is ("maya" in
sanskrit) and still have to live normal lives.
*one cannot walk around denouncing the rat race
*that is what i expect.
*that is what draws me to people.
*but no, cause even when they're rebelling i still see that as "programmed renunciation"
like, normal stages or something.
* i see youth as transitory
*as it well is. great fucking observation
*ok, i see all the values one holds at youth to be impermanent, and subject to change once
you realize
*when you didn't have to worry about bills, job positions, kids, big wig Events, when to
pic up your drycleaning....
yes this argument with myself is going in circles...
*i know if you were here you would be saying mad crazy smart stuff that would make all
this make sense...or else would just bring it to a tangent
*where it wouldn't matter if the original matter really made sense or not.
*And it doesN'T, does it???
*it just matters that i am still tripping (sort of) and it's like 6 in the morning and i still can't
spell and now my paper is due in 23 hours....
*and i'm still gonna write this crazy shit.
*it's kinda like i'm talking to you
*only, no, i'm talking to myself (manifestation of schizophrenia)
*and i'd like to continue talking to you(myself) but that would only help fire the feelings of
self destruction i have because i am not doing my paper right now.
*i think all work in this school can still be turned in up to a year later. and you can still
pass great and everything
*i think that means i've got a lot of fucking time
*and i don't need to worry about self destruction because not doing a philosophy paper on
whether Spinoza was a Cartesian or not is not going to be a deciding factor in my
Destruction, if such a thing exists at this time
*THERE IS A HIGHER LEVEL
*and that is what i'm talking about.
*but you're doing it. you're over there doing all your work. just like high school. that sux.
that's the rat race. but i forgive you.
*I FORGIVE YOU
*I FORGIVE ME
*for anything we ever do, ever, ever, ever ,ever
*FORGIVENESS is the tool
*DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS FORGIVENESS? YOU FORGIVE THE BAD PART IN
EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU SEE THAT YOU STARTED IT (do you get that??
you started it. in everyone. you just did. the roots of every evil in everyone, we've all got
those same roots, like Cain, i guess and that was you, in the beginning that did the bad, that
started this whole fucking rat race and really, it wasn't your fault, was it? it wasn't), AND
REALLY, YOU'RE FORGIVING YOURSELF. AND WOULD YOU NEVER NOT
FORGIVE YOURSELF???? NEVER. BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS DESERVE A
SECOND CHANCE. EVERYONE DOES. IF WE ARE TO MAKE A MISTAKE IN
GIVING SECOND CHANCES, IT MUST BE ON THE SIDE OF LOVE, NEVER ON
THE SIDE OF HATE, SO EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE A SECOND CHANCE IN
EVERYSITUATION. THAT ENSURES LOVE WHEREVER IT HAS THE CHANCE TO
BE. THIS WAY, LOVE IS NOT SURPRESSED. LOVE ALWAYS GETS A SECOND
CHANCE. no death penalties no fuck off and dies. NO. NO. none of this fucking marilan
manson bullshit about hating yourself and wanting to die
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
EVERYONE GETS THE SECOND CHANCE EVEN YOU! FORGIVING YOURSELF IS
OFTEN THE HARDEST THING BECAUSE ONLY YOU KNOW HOW EASY IT
WOULD HAVE BEEN TO MAKE THE right choice. but obviously it wasn't. there was a
lesson. there was a reason. that all the shit had to go down the way it did. and you know
what that reason was??? for this:
FORGIVENESS
yes, it was so you could come to this moment and realize that you could forgive yourself,
for whatever you did, because you are only human. and you can forgive everyone else
because you are no better than they are and they are no better than you are and you're all
stuck in this circle just so you can come back around though all the bullshit to FORGIVE.
so yes, ginni, i forgive you for hating everyone. I FORGIVE YOU. CAPS HELP ME
UNDERSTAND AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. I FORGIVE YOU. YOU ARE HUMAN.
SO ARE THEY. SEE. IT EQUALS. YOU=THEM. AND I FORGIVE YOU. AND
THEM.
I FORGIVE YOU (ah hem! i'm talking to you now.....ERIC!)
i forgive you
IFORGIVEYOUFOREVERIFORGIVEYOUFOREVER
I LOVE YOU
YOU ARE MY ONLY CHANCE
well, i'm done now, this has been a huge earthshattering revelation for me. thanks for
tuning in. i love you.
6:22 am Sept. 28th sunday.
5-23-98
I saw the blue ball. I saw the place where the music comes from. The spacehog song “in the meantime” came on
after the orb cd. It was mind blowing. The music of creation. The world was created only as each note came to
pass. The music works together to take place in the divine play that is happening all around us. This is the
original sound Shiva makes with his drum, the Word is made Flesh. We listened to a Christian radio station and it
was Amazing. The music was the same. It was divinely inspired. The musicians are not projecting themselves
out for you to stroke their egos, they themselves are instruments for the divine word to play through. They are as
much observers as the audience is. The music is a woman that is rubbing up the world against her thigh. The
music is the dance. It is so whimsical. It is smiling at you, at itself. It is so happy just to be able to play. My
entire world had collapsed in the silence before this music came on. My world was destroyed to s single point,
completely and totally annihilated. And what came from this point? The music. Front this point issued forth the
Word of God, the music of men, the song of life. This is The Divine Play, The Cosmic Dance. Each note is
followed by its perfect successor which drops down like a perfect blue raindrop. Each song is telling a different
story, God puts on a mask and belts out the story to you, but his smile shines forth through the mask. He delights
in everything, but especially in your own delight, and He will wait an eternity for it to arrive. And when your
delight arrives, that eternal moment that he waited will become a reality to you, and you will wait there for him to
arrive. Waiting is.
april or may of 98
At the Hope Farm Full Moon Festival. This was awesome. Camping, Crazy Fingers
the Grateful Dead cover band, and other bands. We were to leave Saturday morning for the festival
that started Saturday night. Friday night my friends and I did Ecstasy, either 2 or 3 pills each and
had a great time. Unfortunately we were up most of the night because we had to start late because
I had to drive in from out of town. Anyway, we only got about one hour of sleep when we got up
the next morning and drove out in caravan style with my mom, my stepdad, and some neighbors.
We got there, set up camp, went exploring, had dinner, and right around sunset we met up with
Alice D. Right around then the band came on, and things were downhill from there. We weaved
our way through the campfires, met with cool people, toked on peace pipes. My friend spotted
nitrous tanks across the field with people selling balloons. I had been warned against nitrous, but
I told her I'd go stand in line with her, so she could do them. We go, the line is long, and people
all around us are blissing out and laughing on the nitrous. We stand there for a long time, and finally
she buys two balloons (the deal is 2 for $5) and I'm like, well, I've waited this long, it may as well
not be for nothing! So I accept one of the balloons and we inhale it together. I love it! Amazing.
It seemed to me that everything became one vibration. There were no sights, sounds, feels, or tastes.
It was all one sense. So hard to put into words, but that's the best I can do. After this I was
gung-ho on getting a cracker and nitrous cartridges. We spent awhile playing with these. Soon we
started peaking, then the band played Bob Dylan's "Hurricane." This had to be the absolute peak
of my trip. I was totally overcome with the music. The only bathroom facilities were Port-O-Potties.
Yay. I finally have to go to the bathroom right before dawn, when it's the darkest. There is really
no woods I can go squat in, so I resort to the shit boxes. It is very traumatic. The thing is REALLY
full, and...man. Anyway...it was bad. The rest of the night went on, the band played
until 7am or later, and drums went on the background all night and morning long. As the sun
came up, you could see the smoke rising up from the dying campfires. We went in tent for the
remaining morning hours. The band played on, and every few minutes someone would scream,
"It's 6am! Are you with that?!?!?!" Tried to sleep a little, but couldn't get there. I was still tripping.
I just stared at the ceiling of the tent and tried to make it change colors and patterns. Finally we got
up, ate some breakfast and took part in the smoking of a joint almost a foot long! I did it just for the
novelty. As we were packing up, people start walking out of the field carrying mushrooms! Tons
of fresh mushrooms. Passing them out to everybody. At this point, I'm thinking, naaaah. I've been
awake for almost 48 hour now, I don't need to take MORE. But I rarely get access to mushrooms
and I've only done them 2 times before, and only one of those was a successful trip. I decided I
HAD to do it. So after taking a small chunk, I went in search of the guy with the stash. I found
him and he was happy to supply me with another BIG cap. I munched it down happily and we took
off in the car. I wondered if I would even get off, seeing as how i had just had a pretty good dose
of LSD (2 1/2 hits). We're driving the hour and a half drive home when it starts to kick in. I become
extremely paranoid, my friend is driving and keeps turning around to talk to me, and my friend in
the passengers seat. He won't look at the road!!! And he's not the most attentive driver in the first
place. Every car seems to be an inch close to us, and he's swerving all over the place. By far,
the most stressful car ride in my life. But I dont' want to sound like an asshole, criticizing his driving,
so I keep my mouth shut. I try to look at the scenery. When we go over the bridge, I look out
over the city and if it doesn't look like an alien planet I don't know what does. I get the feeling of
looking out over a bunch of little aliens, driving their transportation devices through the valleys
they've cut out in the land. And little towers they build for some reason. It's all so strange, the
way humans are acting. But there's only a few alien cities to examine, and my stressful car
ride continues to be so.When we finally reach our destination I LEAP out of the car as quickly
as possible. He asks if I am tripping yet, and I assure him that I am. The fact of not having slept
is catching up with me, and I'm starting to feel very strange. That dry eyed, tripping anyway feeling
you get when you haven't slept for a while. I sit down on the couch and try to even my body out.
But the room is not ideal for that. The walls start melting, the objects start melting. I'm not scared,
but I'm not happy either. It's like I'm observing the trip I'm having. It's interesting. I start having
weird visions behind closed eyes when I rest them of bloody ravens, morphing into something else
that is also bloody. These visions are totally unconnected to any thought processes I'm having
but are very disturbing. I open my eyes, and try to block them out. I lay down on the couch, realize
I'm probably having a "bad trip" but still not scared. I start wondering what exactly constitutes a
bad trip and start examining my state of mind. As I do this, I begin to feel something strange on
my fingertips. A slight pressure on my fingernails, kinda like having your fingers slammed in the
car door, but not pain, just pressure. Ok. I wiggle my fingers. The feeling remains, it starts to
move down my hand. As it moves down my hand, the place it just went over no longer has any
feeling. Not prickly numb. Just NOT THERE. I take my hand out from under the pillow and examine
it and wiggle it more. The feeling remains. It feels as if my body is slowing going to Another Place.
I reexamine things again. I was having a bad trip a minute ago, and though I'm not scared, I'm
certainly not comfortable. I'd like to go to this place that I seem to be going to, not of my own accord.
I'm interested in what's there. But I figure this is not the time to make wild astral journeys, when
my body is not feeling its best, and neither is my mind. I lay down and somehow force myself to
go to sleep almost immediately. The trip is over. I wake up later that afternoon, feeling fine.
6-7-98
I have begun to worship love independent of any form, although more than anything in my life I would love to be
united with Eric physically for life, I can worship the love I have for him independent of all else. Even if he told
me to fuck off, I could still sit and revel in the pure joy of the love I feel for him. If, in order to love someone, their
love must be returned, that is only egocentrical love. That is one person wanting 1.) Flattery--they want eternal
reaffirmation that his or her ego/self is stable, the best, most worthy, etc. and 2.) Eternally--they want that flattery
forever. I can produce flattery at the blink of an eye with no effort at all. I want eternity and eternity is what I
experience when I give my being over to God. God being Love, and Love being what I experience when I behold
the fullness of the connection of my being with Eric’s. I could revel in the thought of him forever. It’s not about
reciprocation. Reciprocation is about ego when it is demanded. (if it’s not demanded than it’s the most divine
play of life. play in it’s purest form) and ego is not about love. I love Eric unconditionally--regardless of
anything and THAT is God. That is the direct experience of God.
11-7-98
buddhism denies the existance of any abiding self. no, the You that
you think of everyday is not god, but your true self, that comes out when
you forget about all your forever changing attributes IS God, and everybody
has that inside of him/her. to believe that jesus was the only human-god
IS a megalomania alert. "here i am, cathie smith, dr. zot, jesus
christ, sam jones, at the right hand of god. look at me, aren't i great???"
no, this is not the gist of it. we are all at the right hand of god. but
not the you that is reading this, not the you that is thinking about this,
and not the you that works, talks, hangs out, or reads a book. that
you dies everyday, because everyday, every minute, EVERY SINGLE SECOND
you change irrevocably and become a new person, which will only die again. that cannot possibly
be god because GOD IS INFINITE AND ETERNAL. that is what it
is by definition. your true self, the self that never changes, that is
god,
be here now,
shiva
4-3-99
Mushroom trip. eyeballed about 3 dried grams. with A on a secluded beach,
hidden by woods, away from everyone. started wwith some silent darkeness
(earplugs and eye cover) saw lots of lights, somewhat insectlike, some inner
music too. The "mushroom" although unseen in complete form, welcomed me,
glad I had finally come. I odn't remember exactly what went on there. I
didn't ask anything specific though i should have. i should probably write down
a list of questions before i start and record the answers on a tape recorder
for later recording on paper. the images got a little scary after awhile, black
and red and harsh. although the mushroom itself wasn't trying to be scary.
once in a while i had to pick up my eye cover and make sure reality was still
such.
First Portal
When i got up from the Sd the wind was blowing, the sky a little grey and i was
scared shitless, for some reason. ANYTHING seemed imminent. sometimes we would hear
the drone of a boat and it would sound like it could be anything, a spaceship,
most likely, would swoop in and little guys would get out and who knows? I knew
intellectually that they couldn't do anything to harm me cause nuthin can really harm me,
but this realization didn't help at all. i was still scared out of my wits. i began to
feel alone, desolate and completely separate. A was beside me, "Channeling"
vocalizing any sound that spontaneously came from her lips. it wasn't "freaking
me out" per se, but it wasn't doing anything to make me feel comfortable. for
awhile i just sat there riding out the storm, feeling totally balls to the wall
and hating it, really, but i was taking it, trying to find a way through. finally
i thought i might have it, i would tap into that undying resevoir of cosmic love
within me. wasn't i heartbroken to be unable to find it. it wasn't there. this was
devastating. what i wanted to do was run to my mother's arms and tell her how
much i love her and let her love envelope me. but she was impossibly far away.
Next i wanted to go back to my room, snuggle deep in my covers andt alk to L, my
best friend, about it. As my desperation deepened, i began to realize how real my love
for L is, how it is as great as any love between a romantic couple can be, even
though socially it is different in nature. i became totally in touch with my love
for my best friend and i wanted to run home and hug her and tell her. finally
i say outloud "i think i have to leave." A asks if her channeling is scaring me
and i assure her that's ok, i'm just having my own problems. she rubs my back
and continues channeling. i still just want to be home. this intense desire
continues for awhile and there was no breakthrough moment when it ended, but as i
reveled in the pure love i felt for others, my terror eventually faded. the alien
landscape around me morphed back to my beautiful mother earth. during my blaze of
terror i also tried to play the didj for comfort, but it would not come alive for
me. NOTHING was there to comfort me, i had to go it alone, thats the way the road
must be traveled.
"There is a road,
no simple highway
between the light
and the darkest night
if you should go
no one may follow
that path is for,
your steps alone."
when the storm cleared i still felt cold so i lay face down on the earth and
let my being take comfort in that, just rest, and feel warm. the mushrooms
made me yawn a lot that day and it felt good. as i lay there on the earth, i
was not intellectualizing or thinking, but i had the sense that a lot was happening.
a lot was going on wiht my body and spirit. i was being worked on, cleaned up,
shamanized. Polished, jumbled around, shooken up, straightened out. not all
of this has manifested yet but i am sure it will. that night we chanted with
some hare krishnas and sang and danced and had a free vegetarian indian meal.
it was fun. i had a real Headache and felt naseous. i believe these were physical
manifestations of the disarray my spirit was/is in. i feel good now. i am working
through everything. in her channeling A talked about a tomb, where i threw/hid
some bricks, some soul bricks. i need to get these out. there is no need to hide
anything, who am i hiding from anyway? i don't consciously know what i'm still
hiding, but i am determined to figure it out. am i still guarding my ego?
creating an image? (retrospectively? definitely) i dont' know. but i hope
to find out. and i hope it won't hurt, but it probably will. i also had the distinct
sense that my body and soul are being prepared for a great spirit to come and reside
in it. that feeling was wonderful, but daunting and a bit scary. that definitely
means ego dissolution, which is what i want abstractly, what the cosmic "i" wants,
but this ego definitely wants something different. It will hold on tooth and
nail. ah the search continues....
6-27-99
Portal 2
S & Ty's house.
Present: By, To, D, Br, shiva and S & Ty
Br, To, and shiva take 3.5 dried grams of stropharia cubensis mushrooms
S, Ty, and By take 1 gel tab of LSD
D takes both.
dose: @ 1pm
begin to see carpet crawl, feel world around me begin to tingle, sit on couch,
melt into couch a little. To rubs my feet. I am grateful. THen he comes and
sits by me and begins talking nonsensically, ranting, Channeling, actually,
I realize later. BUt i am full of ego and assume he is and try to understand
him. i fail. conversation seems to continue around me. but none of the words
made sense. I assumed i was impaired and everyone else could understand
it. (this was not the case). To is "hitting on me" starting to try and touch
me, i tell tell him to stop. he does, sort of. but continues ranting. the
words around me are heavily infused with what gives a person a sense of self--
car, house, job, work, hobbies, habits. it's making me feel shitty, I realize
retrospectively, but at the time it was so intense i could barely be bothered
with feeling uncomfortable. and this realization, though it wasn't conscious
at the time, broke me into the true source of being. fed up with To's
nonsensicalness i just dished it right back to him. i let go of any self that might
react with confusion or fear. i let go of the need to find meaning. i let
go of meaning. out of my mouth flowed--whatever came. creativity and chaos
were at their highest. Br began "om"ing. the fan got turned up higher. the living
room became a vortex. the sound became real. the word became flesh? toning
ensued. Br immitated a didj perfectly with only his endogenous
apparatus. Buzzing leapt from my lips. Everything was imminent.
Anything was happening. This very same thing that brought me terror on my
last "3 gram terror" trip, if you'll recall, is what I became. Rather than witnessing this
thing hover, this vortex of chaos/creativity, i jumped directly in it, merged
with it, became it. i was the "alien," but of course there was no "I" because
i was throwing it out in every instant, creating a new one, chewing it up and
spitting it out again. i learned to look at something--anything--give it all my
love and attention and then send it on its way. and in this processing of
energy i worked through block after block after block. Every movement was
release, a flutter of my arm, rustle of my shoulder blade, twitch of the hip,
song from my throat. Br continues to "om." By is pulled into the mushroom
vortex, even though he only took LSD, he claims to have had a full mushroom
experience. Interspersed through all this is laughter. Because we are finding
it out. We are it. and we are one. and you look at someone else and begin to
laugh in the middle of the tone because....well, the cosmic giggle. as if i ever
knew what it was before this experience and as if i know now? why can't i laugh
at it now, truly? maybe i can, but i can't explain it--and maybe that's it, that
it doesn't need explaining, can't be explain. it can only be experienced.
All at once i understood how Finnegans Wake could exist as a work and how it
could only exist as a loop with no beginning and no end, and how the writing style that
excludes all forms of "to be" and "i" could make sense to use. and i really had
NO IDEA about all this before this portal. and i get the suspicion that i still
don't. but an inkling as arrived. i want to invoke the ufo. i want to let it go,
every bit of it. i want to let go of letting go, and of wanting.
01-29-00