SHE'S REALLY FAT!

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat."

The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a reprimand. After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is 'that' wide." At this the lady glared at Johnny.

His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her child and his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm.The lady's pager begins to go off.

Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life, she's backing up"



BITCHY BUMPER STICKERS

  Actual bumper stickers found on cars and trucks!

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People.

Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek Counseling.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

The Earth Is Full --- Go Home.

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.

So Many Pedestrians --- So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand Basket?

It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off. [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest].

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.

Fight Crime --- Shoot Back!

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen upside Down, On A Jeep]

Remember Folks --- Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

Guys --- No Shirt, No Service; Gals --- No Shirt, No Charge. [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut?

Necrophillia --- That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

Ax Me 'bout Ebonics.

Body By Nautilus --- Brain By Mattel.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Cat --- The Other White Meat.

Caution --- Driver Legally Blonde!

Don't Be Sexist --- Broads Hate That.

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.

Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!



A GREAT BLOW JOB

A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

  Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, "You know that fur coat you promised me?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Bending down low she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well.... here it comes..."



NOSE PICKIN' AND NUTS

  One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, ... our son in-law!"



TIMES WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE:

"What the fuck was that?"--Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"--General Custer

"Any fucking idiot could understand that." --Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!"--Pablo Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?"—Pythagoras

"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" ­Michelangelo

"I don't suppose it's going to fucking rain? ­ Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers my ass!" ­Noah

"I need this parade like I need a hole in the head." ­JFK

"Who the fuck is going to know?" ­Bill Clinton



25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's

1.  You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3.  You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4.  Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5.  You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6.  You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7.  You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

8.  Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

9.  You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing  cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.