Jokes To Tell Your Friends!
THE VIRGIN
A young man walks into a whorehouse.
Embarassingly, he admits to the madam that he's a virgin without ANY experience. Kindly patting his hand, she says, "Now sugar don't you worry about a thing, I have just the darlin' for you!".
Taking him to an upstairs room, she instructs him to undress and wait on the bed. Moments later a scantily-clad, beautiful redhead enters. "Honey, your every wish is my command, I'm gonna make some suggestions and you decide what you might like".
She tells him the many things they can do, the missionary position, sixty-nine, anal sex.
"Heck, that sixty-nine one sounds pretty good," he replies. They assume the position and commence.
Unfortunately the hooker's lunch of mexican food is starting to repeat on her. Try as she might she can't help but to fart. The smell was quite bad and she snuck a peek at her client. Luckily he didn't appear to notice and they continued. Minutes later, she farted again and this one smelled even worse. Again, the young man didn't seem fazed. Feeling a little apologetic, the hooker asked, "Honey, how are you liking this, is everything o.k.?".
"Oh yes maam", he replied, "It's GREAT, but I don't know if I can take 67 more of those!".
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
Things to do at Wal-mart when you're bored...
1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
And last, but not least...
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"
THE PASTOR
A pastor named John Fuzz was walking through town when he walked by a bar and spotted a woman who was a member of his congregation drinking in the bar. He walked into the bar and said "You shouldn't be drinking. It isn't
right."
The woman replied, "You're right." The pastor then offered to take her home. The woman was so drunk when she began to stand up she lost her balance and grabbed onto the pastor and both fell on the floor. The pastor was struggling to get her back up when her skirt went up above her waist.
Just then the bartender walked by and said "Hey, we don't allow that kind of
behavior in here. You are going to have to leave." The pastor replied, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender then said "Well, ok. If you're that far along, go ahead."
