I'LL HUMP ANYTHING!

Three Labrador retrievers-one brown, one yellow and one black-were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a wetter. I wet on everything-the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I wet in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."







ATM PROCEDURES

Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Wind up window.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.

3. Re-start the stalled engine.

4. Wind down the window.

5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.

7. Attempt to insert card into machine.

8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

9. Insert card.

10. Re-insert card the right way up.

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

12. Enter PIN.

13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

14. Enter amount of cash required.

15. Re-check make up in rear view mirror.

16. Retrieve cash and receipt.

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18. Place receipt in back of chequebook.

19. Check eyelashes in mirror.

20. Drive forwards 2 meters.

21. Reverse back to cash machine.

22. Retrieve card.

23. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Drive for 3 to 4 miles.

26. Release hand brake.







CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).







HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

  1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

  2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

  3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror--make mental note--must do more sit-ups.

  4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

  5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

  6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

  7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.  

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.

  9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.  

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).

  11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

  12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

  13. Turn off shower.

  14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

  15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

  16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.  

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.  

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour getting dressed.  

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

  1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

  2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake your wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.  

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.

  4. Get in the shower.

  5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).  

6. Wash your face.

  7. Wash your armpits.

  8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.  

9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.  

10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

  11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse ass hairs on the soap bar.  

12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).  

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

  14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.  

15. Pee (in the shower).

  16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

  17. Partially dry off.

  18. Look at your self in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

  19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.  

20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

  21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.







A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?" "Sure." First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears.
"You are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"