Ways to get rid of a blind date |
1. At dinner,
guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression
that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and
balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high
school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they
are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched,
and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier
venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking
about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate
than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in
front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess
and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another
meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the heck took
you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their arm. Keep bringing the subject
up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where
you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the
wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers,
silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted
down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food,
hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you
"never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the
first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and
use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal.
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table,
throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist
that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take
one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them
around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home
to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually
feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and
fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar
vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure
no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the
bill.
53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
56. Wet yourself and insist you have to sit on your date's lap.
57. Bring your pet fish "Graham" and drop food or anything you can find on/around
the table into the tank whilst singing "yellow submarine"
58. Remove your date's shoe and eat food from it.
59. Pretend to be doing everything backwards, including "vomiting" back your
food onto your plate.
60. Establish an alternative religion under the table.
61. Establish a long conversation with the waiter when he asks if you are
ready to order, try not to let him leave under any circumstances If he attempts
to leave or cut the conversation short, Blackmail him.
62. Excuse yourself. Say that you have to call your spouse to check on the
kids.
63. Bring along a camp oven. Ask the restaurant to bring out your order
uncooked.
64. Lean across the table and whisper confidentially " I'm naked under all
these clothes ".
65. Look into thin air and mutter "yes grandma she is nice"
66. Keep looking at your watch. Say all the inmates have a curfew of 10pm
67. At the start of the date thank your date for coming. Then say " my
psychiatrist says this will be really beneficial for me "
68. If it's a fancy restaurant use the table cloth as a napkin.
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