In the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.  In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited. In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law. In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law. romwell, pikobello
LAWYER JOKES
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ATTORNEYS DON'T CARRY CASH ..... IT'S TO PLEBEIAN
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PERMITTED AND PROHIBITED
    In the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.

    In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.

    In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.

    In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
WHY DID YOU SWITCH?
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" 
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" 
"Well, for four reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat won't do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings." 
PAYMENT
Jim was charged with stealing a car, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Jim came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. 
"Your honor," he said, "I want get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." 
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" 
"Well, your honor," replied Jim, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole." 

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INSCRIPTION
A lawyer was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. 

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put "Here lies an honest lawyer" "But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer. 

"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" 
 
HOW CAN YOU TELL?

Two guys, Bob and Rob, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 40 hours in the air, Bob says: "Rob, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". 
Rob lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. 
Bob says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Bob yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". Bob turns to Rob and says "That man must be a lawyer". 
And Rob says "How can you tell that?". 
Bob says: "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". 
 

 

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AN ENGINE TROUBLE

An airliner was having 
engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for 
an emergency landing. 
A few minutes later the 
pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone 
was buckled in and ready. 
"All set, back here," come the reply," except for one lawyer who's still passing 
out business cards." 
CONSULTATION
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop  and steals a roast. 
The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks: "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" 
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely!" 
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. 
" The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 
The next day the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope with invoice from the lawyer 
- $20 due for a consultation. 

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THROW IT AWAY

Four passengers  Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best Russian's Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. 

All the others are quite impressed. 

The Cuban takes a pack of Havana's Cigar, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: 
"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world - Havana, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". 
Saying that, he throws the pack of Havana's Cigar through the window. 

One more time, everybody is quite impressed. 

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through the 
window. 

Nobody was impressed. 

 ******
"THUMP" 
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. 
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. 
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" 
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. 
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." 
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. 
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUMP". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." 
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!" 

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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked  the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". 
"Sure do," replied the bartender. 
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator." 		 *** There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow. 
It was Christmas, and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. 
" What are you charged with?" 
" Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. 
" That's no offense," said the judge. " How early were you doing it?" 
" Before the store opened," countered the prisoner. 		 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" 
The housewife replies: "Four!". 
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." 
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" 

 
VERDICT
A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:30 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. 
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" 
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" 

 
Lawyers and Other Reptiles
by Jess M. Brallier 
Click here to find out more Americans love to hate lawyers, and whether lawyers deserve it or not, they bear the brunt of the most contemptuous comments ever uttered about the members of a single profession. Destined to become the bible of paralegals, legal secretaries, and others who must endure legal egos, this book will appeal to the countless Americans who, like it or not, must talk to, work with, or even (gasp!) live with a lawyer. 

 
Lawyers and Other Reptiles II : The Appeal
by Jess M. Brallier, Jess M. Brailler 
Click here to find out more Since its publication in 1992, Lawyers and Other Reptiles has spawned a new breed of
legal-profession humor -- sometimes fiercely satirical, sometimes gently teasing, and always dead-on hilarious. Lawyers and Other Reptiles II: The Appeal brings together historical satirists and modern-day wags in another outrageous compendium of quips, quotations, jokes, and curses about the most maligned of all professions. 

 
500 Great Lawyer Jokes
by Jeff Rovin 
The bestselling author of more than 20 Signet trivia and joke books presents a rib-tickling collection of 500 hilarious jokes poking fun at everyone involved in the legal system. From lawyers to judges to defendants to plaintiffs -- no one is safe when Jeff Rovin enters the courtroom and states his case for laughter.

 
The New Yorker Book of Lawyer Cartoons
Click here to find out more Perhaps Shakespeare said it best--"first, kill all the lawyers." Now, the profession we most love to hate is hilariously portrayed by some of the greatest cartoonists of our time, including James Thurber and Charles Addams, in this small-format collection of cartoons taken from the pages of The New Yorker magazine. 


 
   

 

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