A DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN:
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. ---------------------- A discussion that occurs when you're right- but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. ---------------------- What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n ----------------------- You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. ---------------------- Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n ---------------------- Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. ---------------------- An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. ---------------------- A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. ------------------------ The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v ---------------------- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. ----------------------------------- What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. ----------------------------- Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n ---------------------------------- Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. -------------------------- You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "focus...breath...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n ---------------------- On your lips- coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar- coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. ----------------- Before children- a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children- a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. ---------------------- The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. -------------------------------------------- Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n -------------------------------------. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
The Descent of Man- THE MONKEY'S VIEWPOINT
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree Discussing things as they're said to be. Said one to the others, "Now listen you two, There's a certain rumor that can't be true. That man descended from our noble race. The very idea! It's a dire disgrace. No monkey ever deserted his wife, Starved his baby and ruined her life. And you've never known a mother monk, To leave her baby with others to bunk, Or pass them on from one to the other, Till they hardly know who is their mother. And another thing you'll never see A monk build a fence around a coconut tree, And let the coconuts go to waste, Forbidding all other monks a taste. Why, if I put a fence around this tree, Starvation would force you to steal from me. Here's another thing a monk won't do, Go out at night and get on a stew. Or use a gun or club or knife, To take some other Monkey's life. Yes! Man descended, the ornery cuss, But, brother, he didn't descend from US!
How To Get Ahead In Life:
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath. 2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. 3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. 4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed. 5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. 6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others. 7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment. 8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all. 9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too. 10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. 11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain. 12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. 13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying. 14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. 15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. 16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts. 17. I am at one with my duality. 18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. 19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. 20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday. 21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. 22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!" 23. False hope is better than no hope at all. 24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution. 25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom. 26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone. 27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? 28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working. 29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. 30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents. 31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. 32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. 33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
Just a Kiss:
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
A group of very bored animals, somewhere in a jungle in Africa, got together one day and decided to play a game of football. They chose up sides and, as luck would have it, all of the larger animals ended up on one team and all of the smaller animals ended up on the other team. The game started and, almost immediately, the rhino crashed through the small animal's line and scored a touch-down. On the very next play one of the larger animals intercepted the pass and the swift jaguar, easily skirting the smaller team's defenses, scored another touch-down. The lion thundered through the next... and so it went. The score at the end of the first inning was 42 to 0, in favor of the large animal's team. The second inning went much as the first. By half-time the score had climbed was 84 to 0. The large animals lined up for the start of the 3rd quarter. The giraffe snapped the ball back to the elephant, who started charging for the center of the small animals line. All of sudden -Thump! Down went the elephant with a loss of 10 yards! A bit baffled by this unexpected turn of events, the large animals, nonetheless, formed up again, this time hiking the ball to the tiger, who had just begun his move when- Thump! Down went the tiger with another 10 yard loss! Now, thoroughly confused, the large animals huddled, re-formed their offense, and delivered the ball into the waiting paws of the gorilla. Not two steps into his rush- Thump! Down went the gorilla! Stunned, the big ape scrambled to his feet and began looking around, trying to discover just who it was that seemed to be thwarting his team. Finally his eyes caught sight of a small centipede, making his way back to the small animals line. "Hey!" growled the gorilla. "Did you just tackled me?" "Yes." "And was it you who tackled the elephant and the tiger?" "Yes." "So... where were you the first 2 innings?" "I was in the locker room... tying my shoes."