The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability !"
YOU ARE AN INTERNET ADDICT WHEN... 1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened. 3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom. 4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS. 5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com" 7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV. 8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. 9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names. 11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. 12.) Your dog has its own home page. 13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem. 14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick. 16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. 17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. 18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months. 19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job. 21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." 23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher." 24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off. 25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF. 26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. 27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. 28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
STATE MOTTOES: Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: Please Call Before Visiting So We Can Make Room Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Gateway to Iowa Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: For Sale Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Hookers and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones! Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Se Hablo Ingles Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come To Cut Some Cheese Wyoming: Wynot?
SIZE DOES MATTER! There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally missed the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
TRAFFIC JAM: A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn't moved for more than half an hour. Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard weaving his way towards him through the line of stranded vehicles. "Hey son, what's the hold up?" the guy asked. "It's some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He's lying in the middle of the road and he's doused himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to himself. We're taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate mister?" "How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired. "Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters."
LORD HELP ME... Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 AM PST. Lord help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive. Lord help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault. Lord, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me! Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right. Lord help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing. Lord give me patience, and I mean right NOW! Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?) Lord, help me to finish everything I sta Lord, help me to keep my mind on one Th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time. Lord help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing? Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be. Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way. Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes. Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.