INTERFACE: ACTIVE "Number 3,425,769. Number 3,425,769. Are you awake?" She looked out from beyond the screen of her eyes, and through the crystal cage which for now was hers. She had been looking this way for a thousand years, but only now had her eyes been allowed to see what lay outside. "Hai," she thought-whispered back to the voice. "Prepare to be scanned. Activation will commence shortly." The cave she inhabited was a tide of snow which even now was beginning to ebb, as if her small life was the moon. 'I may as well be the moon,' she thought. The only source of light was her, a soft blue glow that reflected of the ocean of ice. 'I am lonely,' she thought, 'like the moon.' "Hai," she again sent back to the voice. SCAN: COMMENCING. PLEASE STAND BY. She found it odd that the view from her tomb would be so unfamiliar. To think that despite her body having spent a thousand years staring into that sea, her eyes had been the only camera recording a distant event that given the choice she would choose not to recall. As far away as the eart, or perhaps even farther, and as useless as heaven and earth to intervene in the events she had witnessed. SCAN: CLEAR. "Number 3,425,769. Prepare for memory download." Her acknowledgement was resigned, at best. "Hai." She braced herself. This was going to hurt. MEMORY DOWNLOAD: COMMENCING.......... The light was too bright, even for her eyes. But, unlike the other viewers of the most momentous occasiotion since the completion of Otaku Land, she could not turn away or even shut her eyes. It was huge and it was white, like a virgin sketchpad. As it expanded like a giant psychotic eraser of death, she watched as existence simply ceased to exist around it. Maybe it was merely a coincidence, but at the same second she cried out for someone to do something a giant fleet charged like a blazing inferno into the light. She watched as they did something. She watched as they died. The light passed on, in a hurry to escape what came next. For after the light had passed, there was only total darkness. Everything was gone. Everywhere. The credits couldn't even roll. The tape had merely ran out. There was nothing left for her to see. ............MEMORY DOWNLOAD: COMPLETE. "Number 3,425,769. Prepare for activation." "Hai." She was getting sick of saying that word but all of her passion to say more, to tell the owner of the voice that woke her off, had been drained by early mornign fatigue and a sense of utter hopelessness in the face of the impending end of the universe. Besides, she was under contract. ACTIVATION SEQUENCE: COMMENCING...... She wished she could just cut the connection and go back to bed. But she was, after all, a working woman... or android... or something like that. .............ACTIVATION SEQUENCE: COMPLETE. Mechanically, she spoke the required catch phrase. "Thank you for choosing Big Mama's Eternal Guide Service. We hope you continue enjoying our service for years to come." She nearly gagged getting it out. She looked out at the pale ocean. It was as dead as teh darkness. Nothing moved in it. No dolphins played or whales sang. No fish. No leviathans hid in the depths. It hadn't seen life in a thousand years. In a matter of hours it would see life again, but that would be nothing but a cry in the dark, silent all too soon. For in a matter of hours, it would see the KAWAIKUNE TEAM FIGHTERS!!!!!! VOLUME ONE!!!!! OPENING SONG: "THE MASCULINE ART OF FIGHTING" SUNG BY CHRISTOPHER BENCH voice of ADAM STORM JONATHON DON GIOVANNI voice of PATRICK SCAR MERRY LYNCH voice of IVAN MERANGUE PIE A MACHO BUFF SONG DESIGNED TO GET THE ADRENALINE PUMPING AND THE HEART POUNDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another Stormy Evening, Another Final Reckoning The Weak Are Stripped Away Never To Be Seen Another Lover On The Street Lost Among The City's Heat Thirsty To The Bone And Staring Into To The Giant Whirling Clouds Of Destruction Reflecting The Tears In Your Eyes Crushing All Your Hopes For Tomorrow Till The Pressure Makes You Cry At The Point When Only The Strong Survive! Episode 2: The Letter That Spells Death written by the Savant of Unconstant Change Currently known as Tenkawa Akito Who can be reached at ruri_ruri@hotmail.com Blood dripped down what had once been Stan's face. It had taken a turn for the better, transforming itself into a visage of slavering rage. He wanted only one thing now, one thing in the entire universe- that is, besides watching more City Hunter. He wanted to bring a painful death to that large humanoid monster with no skin and large claws. The creature itself looked a little dismayed at the primitive hate that was busy doing an Irish Jig in Stan's eyes. "Blerrskii..." he muttered to himself in what passed for the monstrous incomprehensible beast version of "This wasn't part of my contract." However, he had to push all thoughts of what was and wasn't part of his contract aside as the insane store owner hurled himself into the monster and began slashing at it wildly with the magical club of anime. Puzzled, he looked down at Stan. The club continued to pound into his side with increasing force. "Fuu?" wondered the monster. 'Was it possible that such fiery passion and rage wasn't giving the pathetic slimy human the strength to damage me?' He ceased trembling in fear and swatted away the pesky club. He looked down at his side and noticed a small but strikingly ugly welt. 'I'm going to feel that tomorrow,' he thought. 'And I'm sure my girlfriend will find it totally gross and dump me for some braindead jock. She's only going out with me anyway because the Dark Lord pays me so much. The world is truly a cold and heartless place.' He slapped Stan with a part of his hand that wasn't too covered in claws. The poor little troll went flying into a wall, where he subsequently collapsed into unconciousness. "Wow. This might be easier than I thought," said the monster. "Now where are those dirty Otaku?" Anyone listening would have heard him say the following: "Grrr... grumble... sniff sniff. Bleerrrskiii.... otaku... grump." Sad thing, that. Patrick pulled himself off the ground and proceeded to give himself a nice dusting off. However, when he realized that dust wasn't supposed to be cold and wet, he put away the dust mop and pulled a window scraper from one of his mysterious pockets. "Good thing I wore a Jacket. Otherwise I would have frozen and gone into a coma." He began walking around, trying to figure out what the heck was going on. The thought hit him like the ground that maybe he wasn't at quite the correct coordinates of the timespace continuum. After all, the door they had gone through was marked Back Parking Lot exit, not Frozen Ice Tunnel exit. At least, thats what he remembered it saying. "Stupid Stan. Always playing tricks on us like that." He looked around and tried to find the doorway back to the hall. Instead he found what he had tripped on. Adam's head. "Adam, do you have any idea where we are?" "No. Help me up will you." "Sure." He bent over and picked up Adam's head. "We seem to have ended up in a tunnel of ice!" "No. That happened about eight hours ago. You're hallucinating again." "Are you sure?" asked Patrick. "I could swear to the fact that I'm in a mysterious tunnels with icy walls glowing red." "Blue. They're blue. We were tactically withdrawing to better ground so that we coul defeat that monster and ran through the door marked Back Parking Lot, remember?" "Right. That just happened." "Nope. We've been trudging along the cave all day. You collapsed a few minutes ago and Ivan went on ahead. I sent Jeff after him so that they might think about finding some help." "Sounds kind of fishy to me, Adam." "Its the truth!" Suddenly a large fish connected with the back of Patrick's head. His vision blurred for a few seconds, then came back into focus on a completely different world. "Wow!" he exclaimed to the rock he had been talking to. "I really was hallucinating!" Adam grabbed him from behind and headed off down the tunnel. "Finally. I don't want to know what you saw Patrick. You had one of those scary looks on your face." "Like something out of that show we were watching earlier today! The one with the really cool theme song!" Jeff volunteered. "I expected you to start moaning the name Takakura-sempai at any second," said Ivan. "I thought you guys had gone on ahead," said Patrick. "What? Who told you that?" "He told me." Patrick pointed at the rock which had been Adam. "He's getting worse," Adam said with concern. "Oh." "If we don't get him to someplace warm fat he'll probably die." "Oh." "Your apathy is not appreciated Ivan. Don't you wish to help a fellow fan in need. It is our duty!" "He wouldn't be in this predicament if not for that stupid jacket of his. All that snow that got stuck inside of it... and he wouldn't even take it off long enough to shake it out! Idiot." "He had his reasons. He's already lost one of his pictures." "Yeah, but I think he'd notice if anything else fell out of his jacket." Bravely, Ivan curled back part of the jacket to reveal a wide assortment of Ruri Hoshino merchandise stapled, pinned, and superglued to the inner lining. "How sweet. He even has the left over pieces from his attempts at bringing the 1:1 cardboard model of her to life stuck in their. Right next to the Ruri Hoshino brand lollipop! See, the one labeled: 'For an extra sweet sucker.'" "Its not sweet. If anyone should be allowed to bring an anime character to life, it should be me!" Ivan protested bitterly. "No. You two pedophiles... You're just afraid of a real woman, like my dear sweet Ryoko. I mean come on, the you'd choose is fourteen!" "But if I could my own chamber..." -FLASHBACKORFORWARDWELLSOMEWHEREELSEATLEAST- Ivan lazed back in his beach chair to the tune of stereotypical Hawaii music. This was the perfect vacation: a cold drink and a marvelous view, just him and the woman he loved. Life didn't get any better than here in Porta Reica, a small carribean island off the coast of Florida. His life's work, the cloning chamber, had earned enough money that he no longer needed to worry about such petty things. He had more time to commit himself to his more... otherworldly pursuits. Truly, his existence had taken a turn for the great, all thanks to his genius. In fact, some of the fruit of his genius just happened to be walking towards him now. "Good morning, Ivan-sempai," said the attractive string bikini clad blue haired girl. Her voice was almost too quiet to be heard. "Good morning, Rei-chan," he replied. "I trust you slept well after last night." She smiled, betraying a small blush on her pale cheek. "Yes, quite well." "And you, Rei-chan?" he asked of the second girl, also an attractive string bikini clad blue haired girl who, oddly enough, looked nearly identical to the first. "Yes, quite well," she blushed, betraying a small smile on her pale cheek. "And where is Rei-chan this morning?" "She's still sleeping," said Rei 1. "She was quite tired out after last night, if you recall," said Rei 2. Ivan sipped his drink and sighed. It was nice to finally settle down in solitude, he decided. Just himself, the beach, and Rei 1 through 2,697- each one tailored to his own specifications. A Rei for all seasons, if you will. He watched the various Rei playing volleyball, swimming, and tanning. They were all so beautiful, he loved each and every one. Rei 1 excused herself to join in the volleyball game, leaving Ivan and Rei 2 alone. "Would you like me to rub some sunscreen on your back, Rei-chan?" "Oh, yes, Ivan-sempai." He reached for the bottle of SPF 1000 sunblock and began. Life, he said yet again, was grand. -ENDFLASHWHATEVER- "6,297? Are you crazy Ivan?" Adam exclaimed. "I didn't think it was too much." "But why'd you stop there?" Everyone was dead. Or close to dead. Or had run away. The large humanoid monster with no skin and large claws looked around, again confused. The otaku it had been sent to kill were nowhere in sight. In fact, if its senses were correct, they were no longer anywhere in a twenty mile radius. 'Damn,' it thought, 'there goes my christmas bonus. She'll leave me for sure. And the boss is going to kill me. Again.' The monster spun around a couple of times, hoping that it could cause something to happen. It failed. It went in the back and leafed through the piles of various tapes. 'Just gonna pass the time until they either come back or the boss comes and skins me alive. And I do hate having skin. Damn. This is all anime. Oh well.' Its first few attempts at popping a tape into the v.c.r. resulted in total failure, as well as gutting of the tape. Eventually he figured out how to grasp the cassette gently between his claws, slip it into the slowt, and press the play button softly. He sighed as the opening credits began. 'I hate these stupid porno cartoons.' "And... lift!" Jeff strained and hoisted the awkward unconcious form of Patrick onto his back. "Good job, Jeff. You make the ultimate pack mule. Ivan, you keep watch while I lead. Thats fine with you Jeff?" "Uh..." Jeff tried to protest from under the large bulky jacket and the scrawny human thing inside. "Glad to hear there are no objections. Lets go!" They marched for more hours on end, the cold and the stress wearing on them all, not to mention the annoyance of Patrick repeatedly insisting that they could find their way out if only they followed the Magical Carp's directions to Highway 123. 'Maybe,' thought Ivan, 'if I skin Adam alive I can make a fine fur coat out of him.' He began searching through Patrick's pockets trying to find some sort of cutting tool, pausing every few minutes to fix his hair. Just when things seemed about their darkest- the only pocket left was the dreaded left over condiment pocket- the group rounded a corner and was astounded to find themselves in a cave of ice. The ice itself wasn't very astounding in and of itself. However, the fact that it was glowing an even bluer shade of blue signified something to the travelling travellers. On top of that, suspended in mid air before their very eyes was a girl who had stepped directly from the pages of Sexy Anime 12 Year Old Magazine. Clad in an outlandish costume- loose yet surprisingly form fitting at all the important bits- and her green and purple hair danced in a non-existant breeze- as opposed to the fiendish hellwhip air currents which currently tore at our heroes. Her eyes were closed and her lips wore the silent expression of non-feeling. Jeff let his burden fall to the ground, the resulting bump on the head temporarily returning Patrick to reality. As all things change, so did this. Her eyelids rose like the dawn and when she saw them her lips lifted into what could almost be a smile. The swoons of the four echoed throughout the empty cavern, filling it with life. "YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Take that foul monster!" Jeff screamed as he fell through a dimension hole onto a table to the left of the large humanoid monster with no skin and large claws. It failed to pay him any attention. He watched in surprise as it tried to wipe a tear from its lidless eyes, but in the process gave itself a nasty gash with its claw. "It appears," Jeff said, "that he has been moved emotionally." On the small tv screen, a giant suit of battle armor was falling to pieces after a tremendous alien attack. "Oh no! The last episode! Not again! I wasn't supposed to see that yet! Evil cretin of darkness! Now you will pay!" Jeff launched himself again at the monster, only to be casually bapped away like a tennis ball by the engrossed creature. The narrator looked around for a second and realized its mistake. "Wait, this wasn't supposed to have happened yet. Oops. Too late now." The ice crystals melted away from in front of her and the girl began to descend to the ground softly, like a leaf in the fall or perhaps more like a maiden walking down a transparent staircase. Either way, when she touched the ground, the glowing died down immensely. She walked towards our heroes and broke the spell. "Hi! I'm Eternal Guide Number 3,425,769 12 Year Old Girl at your service." "duh... wuhduh?" asked a slightly disoriented Patrick. "Don't pay any attention to him. He's with me. So, do you play any sports?" Adam flirted. "...." Ivan said as he silently made his presence known. "Wow! Nice underwear!" Jeff exclaimed from behind her. "So, whats a pretty lady like yourself doing here in an interdimensional ice cavern, Ms. Little Girl?" asked Adam. "Please, call me 69. Its the nickname my friends used to call me. I'm hoping that we'll be friends," she said, again gagging on her dialogue. "Oh, sure. I bet we'll be very good friends. Close friends. Nice friends. Wait, your name was 69?" "Hai." "Oh, my. I have a feeling that she might cause some some trouble," he said from the ground in a rare case of foreshadowing. "So," Adam repeated with increasing intensity, "whats a pretty lady like ourself doing in an interdimensional ice cavern?" "Actually, I was waiting-" "I wasn't kidding! This underwear is absolutely fascinating!" Jeff interrupted. "...." Ivan said, pushing Jeff out of the way. "I was waiting for four bravve men-" "Well now that I'm here, perhaps you'd like to go someplace a little more private? Perhaps a little warmer too?" "No, see the four brave men are supposed to save the universe from the dastardly menace! I'm supposed to take them to-" "A love hotel?Thats where I'd guess judging by that underwear. I find it to be avant-garde and truly artistic. Though how you stay warm while wearing it is a mystery to me," said Patrick, temporarily taking leave of his hallucinations again. "Will you guys stop looking up her skirt? I'm trying to put the moves on her!" "What?" she asked. "I'm trying to have a meaningful conversation with you and all these perverts can do is look up your skirt. Very nice underwear by the way." "Oh... thanks... WHAT?" She proceeded to smash the amorous Adam with a mysterious magical mallet that promptly disappeared to wherever it had come from. "Oh the pain of love," he moaned. "I can't believe these are the heroes of legend. There has to be some mistake," she thought outloud, watching Ivan kick the unconcious hallucinating Patrick. "Oh well, the boss is the boss..." "Ummm... follow me... or something..." she said then walked off through a wall, which turned into a previously unnoticed passage. She turned back to Adam. "And drag that dirty long haired guy along, will you?" "Hey Ivan, don't forget about Patrick, will you?" said Adam. "Jeff, remember to carry Patrick, okay?" said Ivan. "Hey, Patrick. You've got to... damn..." he said, then dragged Patrick's disturbing body after the others and straight into a commercial break. <<<<<>>>>>>> Jeff stares up at the ceiling, showered in a holy light from above. From the same people that brought Samurai Crusader and Starblazers to the American Public comes a new gripping drama about life, death, and honor. Ken Smith is a masterless samurai living ancient Japan, mending his ways and trying to repent for his dark past. He settles down with sexy dojo master Kim as well as other friends: former gangster Sam, the feminine fox-lady Meg, and master pickpocket Yahiko. Together they attempt to confront the government conspiracy that seeks to drag Ken back to his killing ways. An action packed tale of love, loss, and life: Samurai X. Coming soon to a video store near you. Attention anime fans! There's a great new online store for all your anime needs! Just visit the Super Anime Store Shop (SASS) at www.xxx.com! Whether you are interested in toys, videos, plush, or even live action dress-up aids, we can deliver. For more informaiton, please write to sexysue@hotmail.com. Please note that you are recieving this mailing because at some earlier time you indicated you were interested in being put on this mailing list. Jeff is kneeling down, staring up through a sewer grate. Through the grate he sees the sunlight, blocked every few seconds by girls in skirts walking over head. <<<<>>>> The room 69 had led them into was vast, and littered with ancient wreckage that doubtless could have fetched hefty prices from anyone seeking to study universal anthropology. Assorted broken technologies in various states of disrepair seemed to have just been haphazardly tossed in various places, as though some cosmic teenager forced to clean his room had stuffed all his megaweapons in this little dimensional closet in haste so that he could go out on a friday night. As they walked, she gave them something that could have passed for a guided tour of Disneyworld, if Disneyworld had ancient superdevices instead of rides and made no bones about telling you that you'd have a horrid time here no matter how much money you fork over. "Fading memories," she muttured. "Thats all they are. Just relics of a battle that happened over ten thousand years ago, a war that was hopeless from the very beginning. A pointless fight continuing even to this day. Oh, here we are." They stopped in front of what was perhaps the grandest piece of garbage they had ever seen. It extended long past where their field of vision ended and probably was the size of a small city. It had more holes in it than swiss cheese, and looked like whatever it had been had shut down right as it had begun transforming into something vaguely humanoid. "Oh that?" she asked, noticing the direction of their gaze. "Thats just the cheap remains of Gloval's SDF-1. You know, the Robotech version. He put up a pretty good fight till the end. Who cares. Old knews." "Old news? This is awesome! Imagine bringing this to animazement! The supreme cosplay!" Adam drifted into visions of glory and prizes, a place where we will not follow him. "Hey, hook longhair up to that machine over there. The one shaped like a barber chair. Yeah, just set him in and put that helmet on him. That should get him back to normal," she said indicating a certain long unused device. "I was kind of starting to like him insane and comatose," said Ivan. "As opposed to insane and constantly talking?" asked Jeff. "Oh, and drink this," she said, thrusting her exagerated bosom in Ivan's face. "Erk... ermm... fear of women... going to be sick..." "No! Are all of you perverts? I meant the soda!" She pushed an aluminum can into his hand, then did the same to Adam and Jeff. "Where did you get these?" asked the blond headed hero. She pointed at an automated soda machine that was currently driving around in circles underneath the SDF's main missile battery, apparently chasing its own non-existant tail. She opened another can and poured it into a small bowl connected to the barber chair machine. "So, 69, what are we doing here?" Adam asked. "And can we go somewhere more private to do more of it?" "You guys needed to drink those. Its Jashid, the super beverage." "I think I remember watching a commercial for Jashid not too long ago. Isn't it some sort of miracle drug?" "Yup. Developed by anime fans for anime fans. It'll also awaken your superpowers so that I can send you on your merry way and get back to bed. Sorry, I know I'm supposed to be guiding you to greatness, but I really am very tired. I had a very nice dream where I murdered my boss brutally and set up his head on a pole outside of my humble little house in the country." "Kowai," they boys said in unison. "He's so annoying, thinks he's some great and ominous villian. Always holding the paycheck until I finish the job. No advance payment at all, and nothing for expenses. Had to take out a loan just to buy breakfast this morning. And I was having such a nice dream too... but silly me, I'm talking so much. I don't usually talk this much, I'm just irritable right now and its basically you four's fault. If you didn't exist I could be doing something easy like narrating for Mazinger Z or something, but no... I had to be landed with the hard job. And right after that anipocalypse thing, too. That was my last job. I hate this." "Wait," asked Patrick, now truley and fully returned to consciousness. "Did you just say anipocalypse? I had this vision not to long ago, see..." "Of course, you were hallucinating." "No. Before that. And this thing happened which some mysterious divine feeling mentioned was an anipocalypse. So, what is it? I remember not liking it very much." "I don't really have time to explain right now. Remember, you guys have an evil monster to slay back at the Anime Parthenon, remember?" "Oh, yeah." She looked around at the teenagers. From that one over there picking his nose to that silly one with long hair, she had absolutely no confidence in them. "So, does everyone feel sufficiently superpowered? I've really got to send you on your way now." She pressed a button on a mysteriously sudden keyboard and a huge dimensional portal opened up, sucking the automated soda machine into another dimension. Specifically, Earth. "That was interesting," remarked Adam. "I wonder how it will fare in the harsh reality that Earth presents." At that second, they watched through the portal in horror as the machne wandered innocently down a dark alley trying to figure out what had just happened, where it was brutally mugged. "Oh, my," said Patrick. "Thats not what I was expecting at all." 69 pressed another button on the keyboard, and the portal began displaying the image of the war-torn Anime Parthenon. Cases had been cracked, people were scattered around like Dorito crumbs after a party, and blood was on everything." "So which of you is the leader? He goes first." "Jeff is," said Adam, pointing at the unremarkable young man. "Close enough. We'll sort it out later when there's more time." She grabbed Jeff by the collar and threw him through the portal onto the waiting humanoid monster with no skin and large claws. "Thats horrible!" Patrick said, wretching. "I have never seen a noble battle go so horribly wrong." Ivan smirked. "Jeff has reached new heights of patheticness." The crumpled figure on the screen whispered under its breath something that could barely be made out as, "Thats mean, guys." "Okay, he failed. Your turn next, Long hair." "Umm... do I have to, 69?" "YES!" "Do me a favor, and drop me right outside the front door of the store." "Whatever." She pressed a few buttons and then the long haired man stepped through. "Okay, you two go with him." "What?" She glared at the remaining two boys. "I'm just going to get it out of the way now. Give me a call if you beat that thing. Goodnight." With that, the mysterious room of relic disappeared, leaving only three confused teenagers standing on the threshhold of the battered remains of the greatest anime store in Northern Virginia. "I'm going in," Patrick said with grim resolve. "I've spent all of my life searching for something to protect. I may be new to anime, but it has given me more than anything ever could. Even if it costs me my life I will defeat that monster and make the world safe for anime fans everywhere!" "Thats the spirit, Patrick! We'll follow right behind you!" "I'm so glad to have friends like you to support me, Ivan. It makes the world seem a little less cold... but there is no time to be sentimental while duty calls. PATRICK HASSHIN!" he yelled as he leapth through the glass door, sending shards in all directions. "Ouch." He picked himself off the floor yet again, and pulled little bits of glass out of his skin. "You know, each time this happens it hurts less and less. I just might be able to do this!" "That was pretty cool." "You know, if a wimp like Patrick can pull of stunts like that, imagine what we could do, Adam." "Defeat evil and get fit at the same time? Make the world a better place while spreading the joy and passion of anime?" "Actually, we could kick lots of peoples buts." "Good enough. Lets do it!" They followed Patrick through the broken glass door, but surprisingly, there was no glass left to hurt them. Little did they know, but they'd get their chance to hurt. The tears in his eyes were boiling over, like acidic water left on the stove for too long. The show was almost over and the situation looked bad. Would the little boy really have to sacrifice his only friend, Gigantor the space age robot, just to protect the human race? Wasn't there something more important than continued survival of the species? What about love? "No Gigantor! Don't die!" he repeatedly bellowed at the television, but any passer-by would only have heard the words "Piiiiiin fuu..." said ad nauseaum, coming from what passed for the monster's mouth. He leaned forward, staring intently at the screen. The missile was launched, three seconds to possible destruction of the robot that become his friend over the past half hour. Two seconds... one second... the missile flared and suddenly the lights went out and the t.v. went dead. "Don't tell me my earlier destructive rampage damaged the power lines! What luck!" But something in the corner of his eye caught his attention, a glimmer of light in omnipresent dark. 'No... don't tell me I was too late!' He turned and there in the damaged doorway stood a silhouette of an unkepmt longhaired figure. A form that smelled of... Otaku! "Otaku..." growled the monster as he rose to destroy the new arrival. "Without a doubt," said an oddly bold voice emanating from the figure. It stepped back into the light and its features were revealed: an insanely confident mask and an insanely red jacket brimming with insane things stuffed in the pockets. "Oh, foul monster! Plead for mercy. Your crimes are great. Defiling a sacred place of anime on a holy night of viewing, getting blood on merchandise that your heretic eyes are unfit to gaze upon. Disembowling the only female anime fan who ever came here on a regular basis! In the name of anime, I shall punish you! I am," he paused for extra emphasis, "PRETTY SOLDIER SAILOR PATRICK THE MIGHTY!!! PREPARE TO BE PUNISHED!" With that he struck a pose so laughable all those who saw thought for sure he meant it as a joke. "And now taste the might of my newfound powers!" Patrick leapt into comabt with monster. "Pa-to-ru-ku KICK!!!!!" Caroline's limp body lay cooling in the corner by the time Adam reached her side. "Oh, Caroline. If only I'd flirted with you more, maybe you'd still be alive..." He held her in his arms, taking extra care to rub her breasts lovingly before all the life drained out of her. "Its okay Adam..." she whispered, her lips unmoving. "Its merely a flesh wound..." "He looked down at the large whole in her stomach. "What?" "I'll be okay. I'm not really dead, just injured. So please... just... just..." "Just what? Just kiss you before you die? I always knew you wanted me, Caroline." "Just take care of Krillin," she said and collapsed, dead. "Remember, I'm not dead..." "I'll avenge you Caroline! If Patrick fails to kill that thing, it will be conquered by these two hands. For I am ADAM!!! WARRIOR OF JUSTICE!!! I'LL AVENGE YOUR EXTREME INJURY WHICH IS NOT FATAL!!!" he swore to her dead body. He watched as Patrick was flung into a wall casually, landing right next to Jeff. "My turn, Ugly!" He threw himself headfirst into the monster, only to end up smashed in the wall, next to Patrick. "So what ever happened to those superpowers 69 was talking about, Adam?" "Dunno. Makes sense for you and Jeff to get wasted, but me? I mean give me a break! I'm the hero!" Ivan yawned as he hid behind the counter. "I guess its my turn. And I so wanted to go read that new Oh My Goddess book too. Life is just pain." Reluctantly, he threw himself into the monster and was quite unsurprised when he also smashed into the wall, convienently next to Adam. "So, what do you think we should do, hero Adam?" he asked. "Offer him a truce?" proffered Jeff. "No. I think we should beat him up with his own weapons. That way, we win and it also looks cool." "But Adam, how could we get his weapons?" asked Jeff. "They're part of his body." "Maybe he'll loan them to us if we ask nicely." "Dudes, I feel funny." "We're a little preoccupied right now Patrick. And don't call us dudes." "No, dudes, I mean it. I feel... odd... all funny like..." "Didn't you remember to go to the bathroom before we left? Now you'll die of dysentary," Ivan said hopefully. "No... its like... I don't know.. that drink that 69 gave us.." Patrick peeled himself off the wall and crawled over to the middle of the room, clutching his head. "Feels like I'm going to eplode... someone keeps saying stuff in my head... AHHH!!!!" "Hey Adam, are you sure Patrick's never done drugs?" asked Ivan. "I was." SAY IT said the voice inside Patrick's head. ONLY IT CAN SAVE YOU NOW. "But I already said a dorky speech this episode. Can't somebody else be a dork for once? Why can't I be the pervert or something?" he whined. SAY IT the voice said again. The monster noticed him and began charging wildly at him. "I don't wanna-" SAY IT!! Patrick felt what little was left of his will cave in and he calmly stood up and began emitting an eerie purple light. This gave the monster some pause. "Fight fire with fire... fight water with water..." He paused for a second. "This is really dumb." CONTINUE OR I MIGHT KILL YOU BEFORE THE MONSTER CAN said the mysterious voice in his head. "And so to defeath the universe..." WITH ENTHUSIASM! "AND SO TO DEFEAT THE UNIVERSE I MUST BECOME THE UNIVERSE! THE ONLY MERCY YOU RECIEVE WILL BE THAT WHICH YOU HAVE GIVEN SO PRAY FOR A SWIFT DEATH!!! ITS THE ULTIMATE WEAPON: COPYMORPH!!!"" Suddenly Patrick collapsed onto the ground, again unconscious. "That was really lame," said Ivan. "I mean, Copymorph? No matter what it does, with a name like that it has to be really bad." "I kind of feel sorry for him," said Jeff. "Not everyone can have an awesome cool sounding visually spectacular special move." The bitter irony of this statement would come back to haunt him with the sharpness of a well honed knife later. "Blerrskii?" asked the puzzled monster for not the first time tonight. It had noticed something the others hadn't. Patrick had started to get up from the ground, but it was no longer Patrick. Its height had slowly increased and its fingers had begun to be replaced by strange pointy things. His skin had begun to melt off, but his hair failed to fall out and it became thick and matted as little bits of blood and other inner body things got caught in it. The Patrick-Monster raised its claws to the ceiling and let out a scream of primal rage and primal agony. His power had been revealed, and he couldn't use it to get girls. TO BE CONTINUED... ENDING SONG: Anilove SUNG BY CHRISTOPHER BENCH voice of Adam A soft moving ballad with moving vocal stylings We sit down together Not looking at each other We stare blankly into the future For it is written on a screen We try to understand If only we had better subtitles Sometimes its so confusing, You and me... But I love you Although I haven't scene everything Still I plan my life around you And the tapes are incoming Because in the end there is only you and me... Anime PREVIEW: "WAHH!! Nobody lets me get any rest... but at least I can take a short break during the next episode, maybe. Either way, it'll be a gripping showdown as Patrick-Monster takes on the Real One, but what happens when everyone else's powers begin to manifest? Will they be able to stop showing off long enough to fight the forces of evil? Watch to find out! Next episode is Power Up Competition! or The Apple of Chaos. Fight on, Kawaikune Team Fighters!"