The Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute

Forest Grove, Oregon

"Your Root in the Third Millenium"

6 Easy Steps for Connecting That New Modem to the Internet

"Congratulations on your purchase of a new modem or computer! We at ARFF look forward to seeing you on the Internet very soon. For your information, we pass along the following simple instructions for completing your connection to this awesome world of instantaneous communications:

"1. It's important to properly set the baud oscillation rate at 245.76 megaHertz if you have a 56K internal faxmodem. If it's less than 56K, reduce this figure by the square root of 7 for each megaHertz, but not by more than than a factor of ten. This may sound a bit complicated, but it will greatly facilitate your online ISDN connection and uplink capabilities, especially in nonlinear allographic and seriomallic modes (which are becoming increasingly popular).

"2. The hard-drive partition should be done incrementally, we suggest, so as not to subsume excessive RAM in accessing logon script and parity modes. This is often overlooked, as you can imagine. The partition should be based on 1.36 megabytes per units of RAM with the phased interlock disabled. The latter step is especially important.

"3. To quickly get on the Web, we recommend a phased stop-bit default capability which you can easily download and install from the following Web site:

http://www.phasestop.com/netcine/~caflinate/jpgsd23/webzine~/zznp@279/dekeflac/2#34%9@8~75.html

"Before downloading, you'll need to create a password consisting of the first 7 digits of your social security number, your mother's birth name, your bankcard number and your digitized date of birth, all in reverse order.

"4. For Mac users: The Gaussian multitimbral synthesizer appears to be compatible with the Mac platform, but you may want to set the MIDI channel with your sequencer rather than the Java applets. The XJ-1200 Hypemaster, if you happen to have that installed, will require both frequency and amplitude modulation adjustments at least once a week. Failure to do so will result in malfunction of the Enable Hardware Flow Control when you log on to a BBS. This is a real deficiency in that system, but it still offers the finest bitmap registers and TX level credibility (provided you remember to disable the V.34 precoder).

"5. The MIDI mapper channel extrusion device will not work properly at temperatures greater than 40 or less than 15 degrees Celsius, or when relative humidity exceeds 20%. Be sure to locate your CPU accordingly.

"6. Under your handshaking options menu, be sure to set for either Bit 4 or 5 with V.42 detection, LAPM error control and MNP activated, but make sure the combined values do not exceed 48.

"If some of these things seem obvious, we apologize. We just wish someone had given us these recommendations when we installed our modems. It would've saved us a lot of time and aggravation. Good luck, and we'll see you soon--online!"