MIKE: "Man,
I've heard of out of town jobs before, but this is ridiculous!
How much farther do we got to go?" MICKY: "Hey, we pass the gas station with the drugstore on the corner yet?" DAVY: "Yeah, about a hundred and fifty miles back!" MICKY: "Oh, that's where we should have turned left." MIKE: "Oh, I wish you'd could've mentioned that a little bit sooner, man! We're almost out of gas!" PETER: "Cross at the green, not in between!" DAVY: "He's been out in the sun too long!" MICKY: "He's no bargain in the shade!" MIKE: "Hey look, Peter, you and Micky look up this end of town, and Davy and I will go this end for some gas or something." MIKE: "Do you see anything?" DAVY: "No, I don't mind telling you it's making me nervous!" BLACK BART: "Nervous, eh? Clade, you're a yellow livered coward!" CLADE: "So, Kincaid paid a hired killer to come and get me?' KINCAID: "That's right, Clade, I paid him five hundred dollars for your life!" CLADE: "Five hundred dollars, huh? Well, I only have three words for you, Black Bart!" BLACK BART: "Yeah, what are they!?" CLADE: "Six hundred dollars?!!?" BLACK BART: "Kincaid, you're a yellow livered coward!!" DAVY: "Hey, man, if this is a ghost town, what do you call that?" MIKE: "Well, off hand, I'd say it's a circle of bullets around our feet!" GEORGE: "All right, you guys, hoist 'em! ... You heard me, reach!!" MIKE: "Say, you're pretty tough with a gun in your hand, aren't ya!" LENNY: "Heh, heh!! You think so, huh?!! Well, you oughta' see him with a cigarette hangin' out of this corner of his mouth!" MIKE: "Ah, hey look, we gotta split!" GEORGE: "Lenny!!! Give 'em your famous line!" LENNY: "You ain't goin' no place!!" GEORGE: "I'm not so sure they're alone! You keep these two on ice, while I look around!" LENNY: "Okay, but George! Where am I gonna to get ice on the desert?" MIKE: "Hey, look, what do you want?" LENNY: "What do I want?!! I want what any man wants! I want a job, and security, and a home, yeah, and PTA meetings, and cookouts on weekends! That's what I want! Can you give me all of that?" MIKE: "Well, no." LENNY: "Then, SHUT UP!!!" PETER: "First we get lost and run out of gas, then Mike and Davy disappear, and then somebody starts shooting off a machine gun, and now this guy is searching the town!!" MICKY: "That's for the benefit of any of you who tuned in late! And now, back to our story!" LENNY: "George? George! Tell me how it's gonna to be when the Big Man gets here!" GEORGE: "Okay, Lenny, I'll tell ya!" LENNY: "Go on, George!" GEORGE: "When the Big Man gets here, we're goin' to take our cut and we're goin' to scram outta here--" LENNY: "Take our cut..." GEORGE: "What about the kids?" DAVY: "Yeah, what about the kids?!!" MIKE: "Yeah!!" LENNY: "Why should you get a cut, you've never done nothin'!!" GEORGE: "I mean about knockin' them off! Never mind, we'll let the Big Man worry about that, it's his caper!" LENNY: "I wish the big man was here!" GEORGE: "Take it easy, Lenny, he'll get here when he's ready!" SPIDER: "He's ready! Okay, boss!!" BOSS: "All right!! Mmnnhmm!! Where is everybody? This place looks like a ghost town!! Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!" GEORGE: "Who are you?" BOSS: "Mnmhahaha! That's rich! Bright boy wants to know who I am!! I like that; it shows he's a brightboy!!" LENNY: "You ain't the Big Man??" SPIDER: "They don't come no bigger!!" BOSS: "All right, where's the dough?" GEORGE: "Oh, yeah, it's right over here, boss!" BOSS: "Who are they?" LENNY: "Oh, a couple of kids that stumbled in on us!" BOSS: "Well, give Spider the keys, then he'll take care of the kids in the cell! Won't ya, Spider? Won't ya, Spider?!!?" SPIDER: "What? What?" BOSS: "Spider, the kids in the cell!" SPIDER: "Yeah, right, the kids in the cell!" BOSS: "Yeah!" GEORGE: "What a minute, I didn't hear no car. How did you get here?" BOSS: "How did we get here with no car, ha-ha, we coasted up. We coasted up because that saves on gas. Especially during the getaways, you know. You know, which reminds me, I think we left the motor running in the car, Spider! We better go check up on it, guessin' we'll see you guys later!" GEORGE: "Wait a minute! Give 'em your famous line, Lenny!" LENNY: "Oh, you, you ain't goin' no place!" PETER: "Wait a minute, he's the Big Man and I'm the Spider!" MICKY: "I'm the Big Man!!" LENNY: "I oughta smash you!!" PETER: "You can't step on a spider!" LENNY: "Why not?" PETER: "It'll rain!!" GEORGE: "Oh, and boys, if I were you, I wouldn't try to get out. There's nothing around here, but miles of desert! Have fun!!" DAVY: "Humph, fun in the desert, that's all we need." PETER: "Yeah, fun in the desert!!" MICKY: "There's a shovel!!" PETER: "So what, we don't have a sandbox!" MICKY: "Hey, Lenny! Hey, Lenny, can we see you a minute!" *If we get the shovel, we can dig our way outta here!!* LENNY: "Yeah, what do ya want?" MICKY: "What kind of jail is this anyways? There's no exercise period! Booooo!" LENNY: "Oh, you want exercise before you get bumped off, huh? Well, you just jump up and down, up and down right there in your cell!!" MICKY: "No, hey, hey, we want to play baseball!" LENNY: "Oh, I ain't go no bat, and now don't bother me!!" MICKY: "Well, we could use a shovel!" LENNY: "Well, how could you play ball in a cell?" MICKY: "Well, we'll bunt a lot!" MICKY: Give me the shovel; we'll take turns!" PETER: "Hey I thought we were goin' to play baseball?!?" MIKE: "First, we'll escape then, we'll play baseball!" DAVY: "Wait a minute! We'll have to cover up the sound of our digging somehow, or they'll hear us!" MIKE: "Well, we could play!!" BIG MAN: "All right, punks!! Where's the loot?" GEORGE: "Come on, lady, the PTA meeting's down the block!!" BIG MAN: "You gotta be George, you got a big mouth!!" GEORGE: "That's right! Who are you?!" BIG MAN: "Well, I ain't the welcome wagon!" LENNY: "You ain't, ain't the Big Man??!" BIG MAN: "Nah, I'm the Big Woman!! The Big Man's wife!!" LENNY: "Then, where's your husband?" BIG MAN: "He got TOO big; now, I'm the Big Man!!" GEORGE: I don't believe her, Lenny, any more than these kids!! I think you gotta be their mother!!" BIG MAN: "What is this, a boy scout camp? Never mind, get rid of them!!" GEORGE: "You heard The Big Man, go ahead, knock 'em off! Quick, before they start singin' again!!" BIG MAN: "Singin'??" LENNY: "Yeah, they were singin' before!!" BIG MAN: "Oh, yeah?!! Hey, you boys singers? You ever worked professionally?" MIKE: "Uh, yes, ma'am, we're a group! Uh, we're The Monkees!!" BIG MAN: "Oh, a chimp act, huh?" MIKE: No ... say you sound like you know show business!" BIG MAN: "Show business!?? Sonny, thirty years ago, the name Bessie Kawolski brought a trob to millions of hearts!" BESSIE: "Take 'em out, and shot 'em!!" DAVY: "Hey, wait a minute!! As one singing act to another, maybe you would give us one last request!!" BESSIE: "I don't do requests! Lenny." MICKY: "In just a little while, we'll be far away in the palladium up in the sky, but before we go, we'd just like to do one more encore!" BESSIE: "Sure, I know how it is, Sonny! Once a trooper, always a trooper! Lenny, let 'em do their number, then shoot 'em!!" PETER: "Bessie. We'd be honored if you'd do the number with us!" INDIAN CHIEF: "Hello?" DAVY: "We're being held prisoner in a ghost town!!" INDIAN CHIEF: "Me can not help! Me primitive Indian chief. Know nothing about white man's problems!" DAVY: "You've gotta help!!" INDIAN CHIEF: "Wait a minute. Other phone ringing. Me put you on hold!" DAVY: "Hello? Hello??" GEORGE: "Come on, you're goin' to listen with the rest of us!!" DAVY: "Oh. Hello!" BESSIE: "Okay, Lenny, now let's rub 'em out!!" MIKE: "Wait a minute, Bessie! Do you know you can get the chair for this?!!" BESSIE: "No, I don't think I remember that one. But let's do 'Everyboy Loves My Baby' again, that's a good one!" MIKE: "Ah, look I hate to tell you this..." DAVY: "You want me to use the telephone again, right?" MIKE: "Right!" DAVY dialing telephone CHESTER: "Hello? This is Chester!" DAVY: "This is David Jones! We've got a serious problem!!" CHESTER: "Problem, huh? I'd better get Mr. Dillon!" DAVY: "Marshall Dillon?" CHESTER: "No, Bob Dylan!! He can right a song about your problems!" DAVY: "Oh. Hello? Hello? ... Oh, hello. I'm trying to get an agent!" PETER: "Hey, we shouldn't be here behind a bar! We're too young!" MICKY: "So go out there!" PETER: "That's what I said, we're find right where we are!" GEORGE: "Hey, Lenny, I've never seen shooting like that before in my life!" LENNY: "Ah, he's good, George!!" GEORGE: "Ah, we give up, don't shoot!!" MICKY: "All right, Spider, give 'em your famous line!!" PETER: "You guys ain't --" LENNY(mouthing): -- Goin' no where! -- PETER: "You guys ain't goin' no where!!" FIRST COP: "Hey, is that your car??!" DAVY: "Yeah, isn't she a beauty?" FIRST COP: "Well, boys, she's in a no parking zone!" ALL FOUR: "No parking zone?!!" FIRST COP: "You crossed against the light." MICKY: "What do you mean no parking?!?" FIRST COP: "And one more thing ... performing in a cabaret without a license!!" PETER: "Without a li -- we don't -- there's no cabaret -- this is a ghost town, man! You can't--" COP hands over tickets, Mike hands over winning reward ticket. MIKE: "Well, I guess that'll 'bout take care of it." ALL FOUR(to camera): "Well, that's show business!!" |