Once
upon a time, there were four| [We see Peter, Peasant of Tork, standing around daydreaming.] NARRATOR: "The reason Peter was out of work was because of the princess. He was so in love with here he couldn't concentrate on getting a job!" MIKE: "Peter?! Peter! Listen!" PETER: "Huh?" MIKE: "You gotta stop dreaming about that princess, man! She's a high borne monarch and you're not!" PETER: "I can't help it, Michael, for I love her so deeply that I would cut off my right arm just to please her!" [A blonde Princess Gwen, with dark sideburns, comes into town in her carriage - which eventually gets stuck in the mud] MIKE: "Oh, wow!! What a great looking chick!!" PETER: "She's beautiful!!" PRINCESS: "Harold, get me out of the mud, will you please?!?!?" MIKE: "She's the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on!! Cool sideburns..." DAVY: "Cool it!" MIKE: "Cool body!!" DAVY: "Cool it, Mike!! Cool it!!" [Spoiled Princess crying out of the window of her carriage] PRINCESS: "Look, somebody come get me out of the mud!!" PETER: "Oh, fair princess!! I have loved you from afar lo' these many moons!! May I carry you across the mud?" PRINCESS: "What?!?! You CARRY me across the mud?!? Ha-ha!! I'm a princess! You're nothing but a lowly little peasant, a way-ward serf, the lowest of the low!!!" PETER (brightly): "So you've heard of me?" PRINCESS: "I will honor your spine with a walk across it! Down peasant!!" PETER: "My spine thanks you!!" [One of the Princess's knights seeks nourishment for her highness] HAROLD: "Ha!! Innkeeper, ho!! Innkeeper! Innkeeper!" MICKY: "What ho, sire?" HAROLD: "Grovel, grovel!!!" MICKY: "No, not gravel! Concrete tile!!" HAROLD: "Meat! Wine! Creamed spinach and a surprise dessert!!" MICKY: "Ah, but sire, this is but a poor inn, we don't have such things!" HAROLD: "Well, then send out for sandwiches!!" MICKY: "Right, sandwiches, yeah!!" [HAROLD returns with food, and spots Peter's back across the mud] HAROLD: "Vittles for thou sweet princess! Oh glad to see your back!!" PETER: "It's good to be back!!" HAROLD: "Food!!" PRINCESS: "Oh, my very favorite, leftovers!!!" HAROLD: "T'is time we were away!!" PRINCESS: "Hold it just a minute, buster!! Never let it be said that a princess didn't reward a favor!!" [PRINCESS tosses her gaudy locket down to the prostate Peter] PETER (in awe): "What's this?!" PRINCESS (indifferent): "Junk!!" PETER: "I don't deserve it!!" PRINCESS: "Yes, I'm hip, but wear it anyways - it looks good on you!!" [PETER runs to his fellow paupers after hearing HAROLD's plot to do away with the Princess] PETER: "He's going to murder her in the Tower, a remote castle protected by a scary forest and a mo-moat and an impenetrable dragon!" DAVY: "What kind of dragon, Peter?" PETER: "An im - P - enetrable dragon!!" DAVY: "So, what are you going to do, Peter?" PETER: "I'm going to miss her when she's gone!!" [A FAIRY has been summoned out of the locket, but she has to go back and finish getting her hair done] DAVY: "Wait, wait, wait!! You don't understand, Princess Gwen, she's really in trouble, she's in danger!!" FAIRY-OF-THE-LOCKET: "Gwen...Gwen...Oh, the one that's always complaining!!" MICKY: "Yeah, that's right!!" FAIRY: "The selfish, conceited, over-bearing one, oh, with the Texas accent!" PETER: "That's the one!!" MICKY: "Yeah, right!!" FAIRY: "Well, let's do something!! She's got a lot on the ball!" [HANSEL and GRETEL skipping along in the forest, and comes up to a strange looking house] HANSEL: "Look! A gingerbread house made out of cookies, candies and things!! Do you say we should eat some?? I'm hungry!!" GRETEL: "I don't think so, Hansel!!" HANSEL: "Why not? Are you afraid the wicked witch is going to jump out of the forest and turn us into gingerbread men because we ate her house?" GRETEL: "No, it's just that sweets make me break out!!" [After obtaining magically protected armour, sword, and shoes, PETER stands at HAROLD's drawbridge that is guarded by a biped, riddling dragon.] PETER: "I'm not very good at riddles!" DRAGON: "Are you better at gettin' eaten?? Ha-ha!! What has two ears, two eyes, and a very short life?" PETER (intellectually stumped): "I don't know." DRAGON: "Close enough! (to the guards) Lower the drawbridge!!" [After solving the riddle and defeating one of Harold's knights, PETER rushes towards the oppressive tower.] PETER: "That must be the tall tower where the maiden lies languishing!!" PRINCESS (what passes for woe): "Yes, here I am!! Languish, languish!" PETER : "In a dim-lit cell.." PRINCESS (what passes for woe): "This cell is so dimly lit!!" PETER: "..with her spirit unbroken!!" PRINCESS (with a lot of gusto): "Man, you better get me out of here, or you're in big trouble!!!!" [PETER has reached the PRINCESS and freed her from the chains] PETER (with urgency): "Princess, quickly!! Before Harold and Richard get here!! We can away through the window out to freedom!!" PRINCESS: "Okay -- wait a minute!! (incredulously) Out the window?!! Not a chance, buster!! I'm afraid of heights!" PETER: "Oh, you have nothing to fear as long as I have this magic locket!!" PRINCESS: "Magic locket??" PETER: "Yes! The one you gave me!" PRINCESS (in utter disbelief): "I gave you that?!" PETER: "Yeah!!" PRINCESS (full denial): I don't give anybody a magic locket!" PETER: "Huh?!?" PRINCESS (very bossy): "It was a loan!! Give it back!!" PETER: ?!!! PRINCESS (indignant): "Fork it over, buster!!!" [HAROLD and his knight, RICHARD, have cornered PETER and the PRINCESS] PETER: "I will protect you! Ow! My sword's stuck give me the locket!!" PRINCESS: "You're going to fight them with a magic locket?! You might as well do a dance to the Spring!!! No siree-bob-baby, the locket stays with me!!" PETER: "Come on, give me the locket!!!!" PRINCESS: "Not on your life!!!" HAROLD: "Ahh, nothing, nothing that you can do will save her!" PETER (crushed): "So it seems!!" PRINCESS (with spoiled pride): "I keep the locket!!" HAROLD (to Gwen): "And as for you, I have planned a gruesome, torturous, painful death!!" PRINCESS: "Do you realize, of course, Harold, that this means we're through! Absolutely tha-rough!" [A blond, yet hairy, GOLDILOCKS runs through the forest and into the tailor] GOLDILOCKS: "Help! Help! Help me, woodsman; oh, help me!! There's two bears chasing me from their house!!" DAVY (puzzled): "Two bears?! I thought there were three bears?" GOLDILOCKS (saucy): "Yeah, well, the Papa Bear kinda wanted me to hang around!" [The village people arrive at the tower before the Princess and Peter are tossed off the roof.] MICKY: "Oh, Peter, we are here to save you!!" MIKE: "Hey, Pete!!" PETER: "Micky!! Davy!! Pete -- uh, Mike!! You've come!!" [Well, that wraps up another laugh-riot...] MIKE: "Well, that wraps up another laugh-riot, and this is..." MICKY: "...Mike Nesmith..." MIKE: "...Micky Dolenz..." DAVY: "...and Peter Tork..." PETER: "...and Davy Jones..." MIKE(???): "...and Micky Dolenz..." MIKE(???): "...reminding you to save the Texas Prairie Chicken!!" |
No dragons were seriously injured
during the making of this film.