Being exposed to radiation is not a particularly good way to gain superpowers. If you won't take our word for it, just ask the superheroes who have used this method in the past - Captain Leukaemia, The Meltdown Man, Mr. Low Sperm count, Ms. Low Sperm Count, The Inside-Out Man, The Incredible Cancer Victim or The Portentous Blotch.

Deciding on a Superhero name :

• Don't call yourself by your real name, e.g. Mr Fred Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
• Don't call yourself by someone else's real name, e.g. Mr Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
• Choose a name that suggests power, heroism, and prowess, e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
• But don't labour the point, e.g. Mr. So-F***ing-Powerful-Don't Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
• Don't be too modest, e.g. Mr Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredible Man.
• Don't choose a name detrimental to your crimefighting image, e.g. Captain Spongecake, Mr Asshole, Yellow Streak, Purple Helmet, Captain Evil, Dr. Shit-For-Brains.
• Don't choose a name with a sexual double meaning. For example, AC/DC man is not good name for a man with electrical powers.
• Don't choose the name of an existing superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
• It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital hole-in-the-heart condition; it's just asking for trouble.
• Don't call yourself The Invisible Boy...if you're not.
• Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy...if you're a girl.
• Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady...if you're a man - even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
• Don't give away any important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captian Vulnerable to Strontium 90.
• Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume, you'll confuse people.

Good: Presidential Hotline.
Bad: Mickey Mouse or Garfield phone.

Good: Detailed map of the city.
Bad: Colour poster of New Kids On the Block.

Good: Crime library.
Bad: Stash of porn magazines.

Good: Your Crimemobile on a turntable.
Bad: Skateboard and ramp.

Good: Sickbay and Auto-Medic Center.
Bad: Tin of Band-Aids.

Good: Spare costumes.
Bad: Basques and peep-hole bras for the rubber women.

Good: Computerised intruder detection system linked to multiplex alarm.
Bad: Piece of cotton stretched across door tied to a small bell.

Good: Forensic analysis laboratory.
Bad: Whiskey still.

Good: City in a bottle, shrunk by your arch enemy.
Bad: Jar of candy.

Good: Teleportation tube.
Bad: Bus timetable.

Good: Scale model of the galaxy showing life-sustaining planets.
Bad: Model railway.

Good: Trophy room to display crimefighting and bodybuilding awards.
Bad: Trophy room to display bowling awards.

Good: Computerised crime files.
Bad: Collection of Anthrax CD's.

Good: Secret emergency exit.
Bad: Cat flap.

Good: Weapon calibration tester.
Bad: Pinball machine.

Good: Gymnasium and fitness suite.
Bad: Fridge full of TV dinners, cold pizza and ice cream.

Good: Mainframe crime computer.
Bad: Nintendo entertainment system.

Good: Hi-octane jet fuel storage for Crimemobile.
Bad: Mini-bar stocked with beer.
Good: Self-contained power generating system.
Bad: Electricity meter and piles of loose change.

Good: Combat simulation area.
Bad: 'Trivial Pursuit' board game.

• They can watch your back in the thick of a fight.
• They can carry your accessory belt if you're feeling lazy.
• They make you look taller and hunkier by comparison.
• They're small and supple enough to wriggle out of their bonds and free you from Puffinmaster's diabolical death trap just in time!
• They're just about the right height for headbutting or biting a super villain in the nuts - which makes them a force to be feared in the criminal underworld!
• They're someone you can explain the plot to for the benefit of particularly slow readers.
• They can give your comic a vital sales boost - simply by getting themselves killed.
• When they die, you have an excuse to go on a protracted frenzied rampage of violent revenge - and keep those sales figures high!

• They'd much rather stay in and play Nintendo than go out on patrol.
• They get shy and awkward when confronted by a female supervillain.
• They pick their noses when you're with the Police Commissioner.
• They want to wear a Walkman into combat.
• People talk...
• A 13-year-old boy is no match for a 210lb criminal sociopath with a death-ray glare.
• They go into a sulk if you won't play a twelve-day game of 'Dungeons & Dragons' with them.
• They embarrass you by whistling at girls out of the Crimemobile.
• They never tidy up after themselves in the Crimecave, so the whole place quickly gets littered with dirty t-shirts, comics, skateboards, apes, discarded bubblegum, catcher's mitts, smelly socks, half-eaten candy bars, half-finished model cars, long forgotten packets of contraceptives bought in a moment of supreme bravado and overconfidence, dirty plates, CDs out of their cases, porn mags, tubes of acne cream, and crumpled tissues.
• They don't wash, so they smell.
• They think it's funny to suddenly fart in public.
• They can easily be taunted by supervillains into bursting into tears and running off - simply by pointing and shouting, "Virgin, Virgin! Look everybody, there's a virgin Boy Wonder over here!"
• They'll quite happily play football in the midst of $20 million worth of delicate criminology lab equipment.
• They get carsick in the Crimemobile.
• In the midst of battle, it's futile to yell, "Battle Plan 18, chum!" - because chances are they can't count up that high.
• They call you things like 'The Big Enchillada' or 'Super-Dude'.
• They get zits and look real unsightly.
• They think your bald spot is hilarious.
• They talk crap.
• They make you feel very old.

• They look much better than a Boy Wonder.
• People don't automatically assume that you're, you know, that way...
• Overall, they're much more intelligent and mature than boys of the same age.
• People think you must be OK to be seen in the company of such a hot babe.
• Supervillains get dead jealous of you.
• You might get lucky.

• They're always holding slumber parties in the Crimecave.
• One tiny zit and they're out of action for at least two weeks.
• They insist on having at least a dozen different costumes to wear.
• They won't fight crime if some boy band is on MTV.
• They won't fight crime if they're waiting for a phonecall.
• Other superheroes will try to steal her away from you.
• They kill people when they're premenstrual.
• They jam up the Emergency Crime Hotline with calls to Tammi, Samantha, Jo-Jo, Mindy, Mandi, Shelley, Bernice, Pam, Tina, Linda, Sandy, Crissy, the Berkowitz Twins--and Jim.
• If you receive an emergency call at 2am and their hair's in curlers - forget it!
• They're no use for fighting Tarantula Man or Rat Master.
• Their approach to fighting supervillains tends to be strictly limited to pulling his hair, slapping his face, or hitting him with a shoe.
• They get crushes on your arch enemy because "He's like so totally dark and mysterious and mean and moody - but that's only 'cause someone must've really hurt him bad one time. I can tell.. Etc. etc."
• They won't watch your back in combat if you failed to notice their new hair style.
• They get upset if you and your arch enemy start shouting at each other during battle.

• Titanium steel plating.
• Electronic groinal defence shield.
• Socks (they sexually intimidate insecure supervillains).
• Acid-resistant gonad shroud.
• Asbestos fire-blanket.
• Electromagnetic scrotal forcefield generator.
• Love Blob auto-security screen.
• Genital-seeking missile repulsor unit.
• Bulletproof penile shaft armour.
• Your Girl Wonder's hands.
• Your Girl Wonder's head.
• All of the above, simultaneously.

• Glass jockstrap.
• Epileptic lobsters.
• Bear trap with a dodgy spring.
• Napalm.
• 5lbs of wriggling cockroaches (unless it intimidates supervillains).
• 4 gallons of quick-drying cement.
• Your barbed-wire collection.
• Your stuffed porcupine lucky mascot.
• Strawberry jam.
• Genital-seeking missile.
• Your Boy Wonder's hands.
• Your Boy Wonder's head.
• A piece of modern sculpture consisting entirely of razor blades.

•  
• Sandwich Maker.
• Baron Scaredy-Cat.
• The Crochet Master.
• Mr. White Knuckles.
• Nosebleed Boy.
• Dr. Scared Shitless.
• Bondage Damsel.
• Sissy Man.
• Fellatio Lass.

• Emitorr - the Nuclear Radiation Man.
• Thargorr the Planet Crusher.
• Dr. Slaughterhouse.
• Garth, the Gonad Detonator Supreme.
• Dr. Disemboweller.
• The Slasher From Beyond the Stars.
• Krisparr the Incinerator.
• Sun-Up, the Solar Sodomizer.
• Fellatio Lad.
• Mr. Rip-Your-Nuts-Off-And-Eat-Them-In-Front-Of-You.