A general tag applying to has-beens of all shapes and sizes. This is an enormously broad category, of which I've merely skimmed the surface. I could've spent hours and hours coming up with deserving candidates, but once again I must remind you of my temporary foray into the world of kindness. It just wouldn't do. And besides washed-up isn't unkind, it's practically synonymous with say, "seasoned" or "mature." Secretly, this an excuse for me to talk more about Duran Duran than you'd ever wish on your worst enemy.
You may recall a mention or two about this issue being comedian-themed. It was just too much, too enormous, and too enervating. It would take a series of issues to give all the deserving unstalkables their due. Declaring this the all-friends issue made it easier on everyone. I discovered how much I hate comedians. There's just something so damn unfunny about someone trying to be funny. I've adopted "crack-up" as someone who I get a kick out of, not necessarily a traditional comedian. Because at best, no more than a friendship could develop between a comedic stylist and myself. There's just no sense in forcing or going against nature.
Next to "freak" my favorite descriptive term, and equally benign. A mild rib, not to be confused with an insult. A person wearing a fur-coat in the middle of summer is a fuck-up, but I wish them no ill-will. Someone who shoplifts, only to take something paltry like a pack of Cinnaburst is a fuck-up. I don't condemn them, who knows their reasoning. Then there are those individuals, like, I don't know, let's say Robin Williams or Jim Carey, where "fuck-up" is too complimentary.
O.K. I know this one is weird. I'm not sure how fond I am of his stand-up bits, but I'll admit that his show is entertaining. Sadly, Jerry is a fashion don't with those 80's cut Levi's, white tennies, and wavy long-in-the-back hair. So why is he worth mentioning? For a variety of reasons. Over a year ago I had a peculiar dream that involved Jerry and myself getting it on (fully clothed, thank you very much). However, the moment was ruined when Elaine had to walk in and tell Jerry that he was "so didactic". The whole thing worried me. Then I saw a "Seinfeld" rerun where he was in a pool and his hair was all wet and flat on his head. It was strangely appealing. Before I could put my finger on what it was, my friend, Jessica, called to tell me that there was a hot "Seinfeld" scene on. We agreed that it was all in the hair. He has a perfectly attractive skinny, horse-face with big teeth (that's a good thing) but his puffy hair normally detracts from this charm. This theory was further proven on a different episode where the water pressure in his shower becomes weak, leaving his hair flat. He really won me over in an episode where he gets a supposed bad haircut that makes him look like a 5 yr. old. As you may know, Jerry's a "baby-lover," himself. He's got that big-boobed child (who he met using stalker tactics) to occupy him so it's best that we remain just friends.--I deemed Jerry Seinfel stalkable here and Tracy Nelson got the honors way back in "s.c.s." #2. I loved his horse face and her long nose and big eyes. I never really would've thought of putting those two into the same category, as far as my "types" go, but during "Seinfeld's" last season Tracy played George's girlfriend who was supposed to be a female Jerry lookalike. It was hot.
I always felt a little bad for Skippy Handleman on "Family Ties." But really it was his own fault for getting so hung-up on Mallory. He just might be fun to hang out with, especially if he wore his funky beret.It's no secret that he's done bit parts in lots of horror films, but not everyone remembers his stand-up career. In my younger years, I recall seeing him on "Evening at the Improv." He had some routine about Flintstone's chewable vitamins that had me rolling on the floor. I doubt I'd be so easily amused these days. Then again...
I swear that on any channel on any given night of the week after 8 p.m. you can find "Third Rock From the Sun" on TV. It drives me nuts, but I don't have a problem with Harry. There's just something about his furry coat and squinty eyes. I could even put up with his physical comedy, and besides, he's probably the kind of guy that could even put up with me (aliens are like that). He also had a minute role on "Seinfeld" as an usher-I can respect that.
When asked who my favorite "Kid in the Hall" was (yes, I've actually discussed this) I'd find merit in each member, but settled on David. This was long before members went on to do various TV stints. Now there's little David on "News Radio." I can't say that I'm too impressed with the show, but "Dave," Mr. Foley's creatively named character, is just the type I'd like to befriend, clean-cut, boyish (every episode has at least one joke about him looking like a kid) and geeky. I never find myself laughing while watching the show, but the fact that I even watch it at all says something about the strength of David's allure.
There's something you've got to like about Jimmy in "To Die For". Joaquin played the dim-witted rocker turned killer to a tee, and from what I've gathered it's because he ain't too sharp in real life. Interviews with the former Leaf Phoenix are punctuated with "dude" and "aw man, I can't answer that." It's a good thing he's got his looks 'cause he wouldn't get far on his personality or acting ability. Despite past horrors like "Russkies" and "SpaceCamp," I kind of like the guy. He'd be fun to hang around with...and torment. Like he'd enjoy joking around, but wouldn't realize the jokes were at his expense. The real clincher for me was when I found out that he was born with a cleft palate. There's something special River never had.
My oldest (and fondest) memory of Judge occurred before I really knew who he was. In 6th grade, two friends and myself each got to rent a movie of our choice. Sharon chose "Band of the Hand," I picked "Vamp," and Lori convinced us to get "Can I Do it 'til I Need Glasses," which for the unfamiliar, is a series of short, bawdy, comedy sketches based on dirty jokes. The only scene I can remember is one with Judge Reinhold going nuts, masturbating on a bus. I'm not sure how keen I was on his jacking-off, but I was oddly attracted to him and it had something to do with the fact that he looked like he was wearing mascara. Wasn't he some fuck-up, masturbator in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" too, or is that just wishful thinking on my part?
Robert Downey Jr.
Didn't people realize that accepting the title role in "Chaplin" was a cry for help? This guy is obviously a serious fuck-up. So he has a little heroin problem, that doesn't mean we couldn't have a splendid friendship. I don't suppose he really needs me as a buddy anyway, since I saw Todd Bridges was there in the courtroom for moral support. He's a strange mix of slack goofiness, prickishness, and effeminacy that's hard to resist. I was glad to see him in "Short Cuts," he was appropriate in "Less Than Zero," and he kind of has sucked in everything else. My favorite detail in regards to his arrest was that he was found passed-out in his underwear in some 11 yr. old kid's bed. O.K...I can't stand it anymore-I've been lying-I do want to be more than a friend to Rob. It's lucky for him that I'm saving myself for marriage (um, that's a joke).
He was truly fucked-up as Graham Young in "The Young Poisoner's Handbook." He poisoned family members as a teen, killing his stepmother. After seven years of rehabilitation in prison he was sent out into the real world and promptly started lacing co-worker's tea with thallium (his poison of choice). This time he killed two, and permanently crippled two others. Somehow, his crimes don't make him unlikeable. Maybe it's got something to with his big, crazy, owl eyes and quietly refined manner. We could have fun together as long as I steered clear of food and drink. Just for the record, he fits every criteria I've ever proposed: 1) he is a "baby." 2) he was sick and weak as the young Christy Brown in "My Left Foot." 3) he's British. I'd like to think that he's a sissy too. On a fuck-up side note of little interest: Hugh O'Conor is also the name of Archie Bunker's kid who killed himself not too long ago (and got the tiniest mention in S.C.S. #1). Please don't confuse the two.
Stalking * Goodies * Lone Star Thomas * Project Me