Are You Stalking a FAKE, a FOGEY, or a FOSSIL?
1). It's really irresistible the way they play:
a. hard to get.
b. doctor with the neighbor kids.
c. those catchy 78's in their parlor.
2). If you can't steal their heart at least you can pilfer a prized possession:
a. such as their buffalo nickel collection.
b. technically you could steal their heart, but why bother with all that heavy-duty digging.
c. like their talking Pee-Wee Herman doll that's still in the package.
3). As a private inside joke when drinking, you order:
a. a standard Old Fashioned [1 lump of sugar, 1 dash Angostura bitters, 1-2 jiggers whiskey, lemon peel].
b. a good stiff Shirley Temple [4 oz. ginger ale, 1/2 tsp. grenadine, lemon peel].
c. the rarely requested Corpse Reviver [1/2 brandy, 1/4 Calvados, 1/4 Italian vermouth].
4). Happiness is a:
a. warm puppy.
b. warm glass of milk before bed.
c. warm welcome from St. Peter.
5). The most exciting thing you found while snooping in their mailbox was:
a. a subscription renewal to "Reader's Digest".
b. that adorable family of mice nested in the back.
c. a package of growth suppressing hormones bearing a Tijuana return address.
6). Birthdays can be a let-down. It was disappointing when you realized that:
a. Willard Scott already mentioned them on his segment last year.
b. they'd no longer be able to order Happy Meals without getting dirty looks.
c. they haven't celebrated one in over a decade. What a party pooper.
7). It's your dream road trip, you bring along:
a. Luke Perry, Ralph Macchio, and Emmanuel Lewis.
b. George Burns, Andy Rooney, and Shari Lewis.
c. Herve Villachaise, Houdini, and C.S. Lewis.
8). You realize that you've pushed your boundaries as a stalker when you call them:
a. repeatedly at their widow's home.
b. "late for lunch". That joke always riles them up.
c. Urkel, in a juvenile attempt at humiliation.
1). a-5, b-1, c-3 5). a-3, b-5, c-1
2). a-3, b-5, c-1 6). a-3, b-1, c-5
3). a-3, b-1, c-5 7). a-1, b-3, c-5
4). a-1, b-3, c-5 8). a-5, b-3, c-1
8-18 Little Big Men
Finally, baby-loving without the guilt. You're the type that likes feeling as if you're getting away with something and these fakers are the perfect antidote. Appearances can be deceiving, and in your case this is especially attractive. There's no hard, fast rules concerning these sneaky devils. It's a pretty straightforward stalk. The difficulty may lie in where to find these ambiguous creatures. Sure, big boys in little britches are rampant in the fictitious world of cinema and television, but finding a living, breathing adult posing as a tot in your neck of the woods could be tough (not to mention a little creepy). But it's their scarcity that makes them all that much more desirable. You should figure out if their appearance is a facade or not, and devise a plan accordingly. Are you dealing with a 10 yr. old in body and mind? Watch "Freaky Friday" and "Big" repeatedly then have a go at it.
19-29 At Death's DoorNext to the dead, these fogeys may be the simplest prey. What 80 yr. old wastes time watching his back for snoopy young'uns? Their guard is likely to be down...way down. Take advantage of those softening brain cells. You could blatantly ask them where they live and places they frequent, and by the next day they'll have forgotten they even told you. Go to the source, right? There's not a lot of effort or messy detective work to deal with. This is ideal for rookies--a great way to get your feet wet before breaking into the whole stalking scene. Nothing's a bed of roses of course, some of these guys still have a little spunk. Gumption, I think it's called. Crochetdyness can be a turn on for some, but tread lightly, nonetheless.
30-40 The Great BeyondBy far, the easiest group to stalk. These fossils satisfy the necrophiliac in all of us. There's not going to be any whining or restraining orders from these guys, that's for sure. While fulfilling for a select few, this could be a lonely route for most. Nothing could be more fun for the purist, those who stalk simply for the thrill of the hunt. Bored with stamp and coin collecting? Here's a new avenue for all you obsessive, detail-hounds. This may be safe for those who have trouble dealing with superfluous rubbish--like inner emotions or human interaction. Don't worry, left-brainers don't have the corner on this market. Romantic dreamers and gothics can have a hey-day too. I mean who could be more painfully unobtainable than the dead? Whatever your reasons, make sure to keep some "real" human contact too, or at least watch those loose lips--you don't want to go around creeping out those boring, living, breathing souls.
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