Double your pleasure and double your fun. When something's so right, don't you just want more of it? Think of all the possibilities. Actually, all the twins I've known have been sort of unpleasant. The creepiest girls I can remember were these tiny deformed triplets, The Lords. But that's really besides the point, I'm talking about twins here. I'm just upset that I already used The Olsen twins (simian unstalkables) and Nelson (stalkable hotties) in "S.C.S." #2.
This can be partnerships of all varieties, but I'm thinking of couples. It's hard for me to like couples, it really is. It's not like I mind having a boyfriend from time to time, but that clingy neediness that 99% of twosomes exude makes me ill. I won't have it. You know how you'll have a friend and then they'll get a boy or girlfriend and it just doesn't sit right with you. You don't?! It makes you smile to see people in love? O.k. I'm evil and messed-up, but it's a rare set that can satisfy me. I'll stick to fantasy for now.
tub o' lards
Uh-oh, I'm making fun of fatsos. So what, I'm no Twiggy. Unfortunately, it seems that the only place you can find big folks is in the realm of comedy (and you know how much I despise comedians). If you're fat minus the jolly then no one wants a thing to do with you. I originally picked this category assuming I'd come up with some good candidates, but the pickings are tragically slim. You try to come up with a plump celebrity or notable figure that hasn't based their career on their weight or uses it as a source of humor--it ain't easy. I'm not about to get all political or ranty on you, but it is kind of disheartening
Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren
These twins are just so full of spunky advice that you can't help but like them. Sure, it's dubious, senile advice, but at least they're trying. Hey, they weren't even all that hard on the eyes in their younger years.
He's blonde, he's a baby, he's a misfit, and he's bound to shop in the "husky" section for boys. He keeps me tuning in to "King of the Hill "Sunday after Sunday. There's something so messed up about him that I can't help myself. (I suppose some could say I'm messed up for getting worked up over a cartoon character). You can't help but like a chubby, adolescent, nicotine addicted, wig-head lovin', bundle of joy from Texas. See Henry, you're not the only thing the lone star state has to offer.
"I'm not overweight, I'm undertall". Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. That's what he gets for eating all that damn lasagna. Doesn't he know that pasta goes straight to the hips? He's laughing on the outside, but those are clearly the words of a feline in pain. Unfortunately, I'm turning a deaf ear.
Data and Lore
Maybe I've already said this, but Data is one hot android. Really. I've always thought so. Not everyone knows this, but Data is "fully functional" as was proven on an episode where he got it on with Tasha Yar. I'm used to having sex with inhuman guys so I'd feel right at home with Data. Then there's his lookalike brother, Lore, to contend with. He's capable of human emotion which makes him mean, conniving, and underhanded. He tried to kill Data, but that doesn't mean he's unappealing. Just think of all the role-playing fun we could have on the holodeck.
Tweedledum and Tweedledee
Fat, scary brothers in the woods fighting over a rattle. Under normal circumstances that would be enough for me to high tail it out of there. But they're alright. As far as twins go, they're not all that bad looking. I get this pervy vibe from them, but that could have something to do with John Tenniel's illustration style.
I had a horrible realization after reading a short bio on Sorrell Booke. I weigh more than Boss Hogg! I think the man must be delusional. I don't claim to be svelte, but I'm definitely not in Boss Hogg territory yet. Granted, I'm taller than he is, but only by an inch or so. Stop the lies, Sorrell.
Paul and Jaime Buchman
Yuck, yuck, yuck! They sum up all that is wrong with couples. They're so damn smarmy and quippy. Granted, I've never been married, but I can't imagine it being like that. How gross that Paul Reiser uses his real name as his character's and how doubly gross that he had to write a book called Couplehood (and now Babyhood). My mom owns a copy, my grandma thinks he's handsome, and my own freaking sister has a crush on Helen Hunt. Well, the buch(man) stops here. I'm not having any of it. Do single people aspire to be like them? Do married folks compare their relationship to the Buckman's? I can only guess. "Hi, we have well-paying jobs and a large apartment in Manhattan. Our biggest problem is whether to go out to dinner or order in." I haven't seen an episode since they had that baby and that suits me just fine.
Dharma and Greg
Move over "Mad About You." There's a new gruesome twosome in town. I could tell from the commercials that they were going to make me retch. Of course I had to watch the premiere episode just to be sure. It was all I'd expected and then some. It's one of those kooky mismatched couples ala "Something Wild." You know the story. It's the straight guy and the zany free-spirited girl who drops into his life. The first show consisted of them instantly falling in love, doing a bunch of crazy spontaneous things like going to a baseball game just to hear organ music, and then getting married. I'm wary of soulmates and frankly it's putting bad ideas into kids' heads. I hope that CBS plans to take responsibility for all broken hearts that will ensue as a result of this show.
Zan and Jayna a.k.a. The Wonder Twins
They were some pretty cool siblings even though their abilities paled in comparison to the other Superfriends. Obviously, that mutant chimp, Gleek, was another story, altogether. I don't know how many episodes I watched before I realized that she could only become animals and he could only turn into water products. I kept waiting for some amazing combination, but it was always the bird/pail of water duo. How many people can honestly admit that the words, "Wonder twin powers activate" have never crossed their lips? O.k. plenty.
Jay and Michael Aston
It's Jay and Michael Aston. Those glammy Welsh twins from Gene Loves Jezebel. I was never fanatical about them, but they definitely got some airplay in my bedroom. They had quite the effect on teenage girls. Jessica got to meet them back stage and hear them sing, "Who's the best band in the world? Jezebel!" Modest guys. I also know someone who lost her virginity to the bass player and would rendezvous with him whenever he was in town (Minneapolis, that was). These boys got around. What a gem. It doesn't get much better than Michaels autograph on a cigarette pack. (Jay's is on the back).
Stalking * Goodies * Lone Star Thomas * Project Me