I think that retarded is one of the most versatile words in the English language. Sadly, it's right up there with cripple as far as frowned upon words are concerned. You don't have to have to be missing limbs or live in an iron lung to be a tard in my eyes (though it wouldn't hurt). Mentally, physically, or spiritually off--it all applies.
I've just about gotten those young scamps out of my system. (though I've been known to relapse) They just don't work their magic on me like they used to. In s.c.s. #3 I was talking about getting vibes from a middle school friend of my sister. Well, we had a little fling and it was all fine and dandy and then I went all crazy the other way and started seeing someone 20 years my senior. Now I think someone in their 30's might be o.k. It would be so...I don't know, well-adjusted? Kids are cute, but looks only get you so far. However, being a tot is not only about age (under 18), the term applies for the small in stature as well. Tiny and/or underdeveloped is and will always be a selling point with me.
Terrors come in all sizes, shapes, and forms. Generally, they're horrifc just as the name implies, but not always. Rare exceptions exist in every realm. There are individuals who are scary in all the right ways, but they are few and far between. Most people push the envelope for no good reason. There's nothing worse than pure, unabashed attention seekers, and nuisance-makers like, say, Sandra Bernhard. That's this species at its self-indulgent worst.
I never thought I'd become a fan of "The Pretender" and I'm not really. I do catch myself watching it more than I should though. It's hard not to get a kick out of this smooth operator with a cesaer hair-cut. I'm still not fully versed in the premise of this show. He was raised at "The Center" and somehow he escaped as an adult and goes from town to town performing good deeds ala "Highway to Heaven." But Jerod's no angel. No sir. He's posed as a male escort, lost his virginity to a secretive Argentinian woman while pretending to be "Jerod Forrest," a forest ranger in Oregon, and saved a baby in a dumpster. This show is so clearly aimed at lonely, aging women who devour pulpy romances by the dozen. He's so tender, so human, so in tune with womens' needs. Oh, the reason he's a tard is that he gives this sly look like he knows he's hot, but he ends up looking like he has Down Syndrome. You've got to love that.
[tot, mild tard] Topher Grace
Maybe I'm stretching the tot thing, but like he plays a highschooler, o.k.? I could really take or leave "That 70's Show." I thought that whole retro thing came and went like ten years ago. It's unbelievable to me that in 19 freakin' 98 someone decided to make a TV show about that era. Oh well. Topher Grace is such a made up name (I"ve since found out it's short for Christopher), but he completely redeems himself just by existing. It's not even so much his appearance, but his demeanor. Like he's got that scrawny, geeky, faggy thing going on that makes me crazy. His eyes are on the verge of being buggy and I bet he has moles. What more could you ask for?
[terror, 1/2 tard, tot-lover] Mary Kay LeTourneau
Ooh, more obsessive love. This is really a woman after my own heart. She has a fling with a tot, but does she stop there? No, she gets knocked-up, not just once, but twice! That pregnancy business, I'm not too keen on and that's what makes her the tard. She could've kept something good going, but no, she had to ruin it. She needs to be held down and given a shot of depo provera. I mean fuck all the kids you want, but don't go getting knocked-up like 15 yr. old with no sense. I like to believe all that "we're really in love" stuff because I'm just a big softy at heart. But you know that kid was no innocent victim--13 yr. old boys are horny and that's no secret. Of course everyone's slamming Mary Kay for not taking the higher ground and turning him down. I just wish she was smarter because this could've been an interesting lovers-on-the-run story (I love those). A similar story happened a few years back with a 40 yr. old Portland, OR woman and a 13 yr. old boy who worked at her day care, but there were no babies involved and they got busted hiding out in Atlantic City. What's up with those loose moralled N.W. women? Maybe I'll give it a shot in ten years or so.
[tot, tard, terrible terror] dancing baby
You'll probably have forgotten all about this little monstrosity by the time this comes out. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you must have not been alive in the spring of1998. It's that computer animated bastard that originally was just on some guy's website dancing around in a diaper. Next thing you know it's appearing on my least favorite show, "Ally McBeal," as some cute, but scary (always condridictory just like that zany, neurotic, Ally, herself) reminder of her biological clock ticking away. That wasn't enough. People's thirst for this traipsing terror would not be quenched that easily. He started appearing all over t-shirts in most unfunny situations much like my #1 foe, that wild lil' devil, Taz. The best was the baby appearing in some ad in an film editing trade publication with him crowd surfing and some bold type reading, "BABY MOSH". What the hell is that about?! On a more pleasant note, co-workers were nice enough to give me a proper send-off complete with a going away party and a dancing baby pinata. Instead of the normal take turns routine, I was allowed to beat the baby to a pulp. People should know better than to give blindfolded drunks big sticks--I ended up beating the crap out of a tool shed.
[1/2 tot, 1/2 tard] Michael J. Fox
The Lord works in mysterious ways. I'd been hoping for just one more tard before I finished this issue and I didn't want to have to pick on Christopher Reeve and then like manna from heaven Michael comes out with his Parkinson's. Not hot, but not truly unstalkable. He's a neutral (and tiny) kind of guy.
[semi-tard, terror] Monica Lewinsky
My favorite tabloid nickname for Monica: "Portly Pepperpot." Oh my God, I'm so Monica it's humiliating. I honestly don't understand why everone loathes her so much. I'm not saying she's a genius or that I'd even be able to hang out with her, but I can understand where she's coming from. She's a tard. Being some annoying rich girl with nothing better to do than intern at the White House and go to fat camps gives her clear tard status. She's a fame whore and has a big, foul mouth, I'm sure. I have no problem with that. And what's the big deal with keeping the stained dress? That's not a sick souvenir of a deranged mind. I'd saved all sorts of sordid items, but then I'm extremely obsessive and a stalker. Though she denies it, she is a stalker. That bit about "When I see you wearing this tie, I'll know I'm close to your heart" is sweet stalker talk, if I've ever heard it. I like how when things started turning sour with Bill, Monica persisted in showing up and made scenes. Barbara Walters couldn't understand why she was being a "pain in the butt" and asked why she didn't just move on with her life. DUH. Guys who jerk stalkers around need to pay. I'm really saddened because my most recent stalkee is the only guy I've ever met who loves Monica, and if he loves her then he should like me just even a little bit. He had all these fantasies of going record shopping with her and taking her out to dinner and even went as far as to use the classic stalker line, "She'd like me if she met me." Damn him (he'll pay).
[tot, tard, terror] "Beefy Boy"
Boy, this kid's x-treme! AACK. What a brat. When are people going to tire of yelling, ill-mannered tots promoting products? (Well, there is that Arizona Jean commercial that parodies it a bit.) Beefy?! I'll show him beefy! (I don't know what that means, but it should put him in his place). Chef Boy Ardee had a wonderful ad campaign a few years back about the young Hector Boyardee dreaming of making good food when he got older (I'm not saying he succeeded). I used to clip them out of the paper because they were so sweet. Unfortunately, It took Beefy Boy to grab the kids' attention.
[tard, tot, terror] Stuart
I LOVE Stuart. Someone at "MAD tv" must have read my mind when they came up with this horrific manchild. If you haven't seen this guy in action then you are sorely missing out. He's crossed-eyed, rosy-cheeked, tight white brief-clad, and always up to mischief. Stuart's always trying his mommy's patience. In the last episode his face was smeared with chocolate, yet he was denying that he'd snuck into the fudge. His mommy made him repeat what she'd told him about liars, "The soul of a liar is black like poop." I agree. Honesty is the best policy.
[extreme tard, terror] Susan Banks
I've never understood soap operas. It's the one thing my mom forbade me to watch that I actually obeyed and as an adult have never developed a taste for. But I would catch commercials for "Days of Our Lives" with this freaky buck-toothed woman in thick glasses and a stocking cap (sounds like some doofy hipster, but no) that I was fairly sure also played a "pretty" character on the show. It didn't make sense, but I've discovered that the world of soap opera plots is nothing short of insane. From what I've learned, Susan was impregnated by some bad guy named Stefano, but he drugged her and had sex with her while dressed like Elvis. Susan really believes this was Elvis, and hence, calls the baby Little Elvis. I don't understand why people can't tell that there are two characters who resemble each other despite the fact that one's retarded and ugly and the other is beautiful. One episode had the actress playing four roles, the third being a nun and the fourth as some man. It's all very intricate and too tangled for a casual observer like me to grasp fully.
[tard, tot, terrorish] Simon Birch
I never actually saw this movie (not to be a sad sack, but I just can't afford $8.50 a pop), but I could tell that Simon was a-o.k. He seemed all mouthy and wanted to be a hero. I liked the bit in the commercial where he was baby Jesus in the manger and grabbed Mary's tit. Pubescent midgets have needs too. I'll have to get my fix when it comes out on video (except I sold my VCR for $10--life can be so trying at times).
[tot, terror] Buddy Lee
Lee jeans have always been undesireable. They unattractively hug all your curves, might've worked 15 years ago, and still turn on guys in Camaros with mustaches. But I know the millennium is approaching and everything is just so cute and hip, even "dungarees." I could still care less about Lee Jeans, but that's not Buddy Lee's fault. I mean he's got a backbone the size of the Missippi (or is it the Missouri?), right? He's the tiniest terror of them all. I could use a little man like him in my life. He cares about cats and youngsters in danger and puts his life on the line without so much as a blink of the eye.
Are his comics everywhere or just in Portland? I think they're widespread. Maybe they're funny and maybe they're not, but Callahan, himself is a beastly sight to behold. I used to always see him rolling around town acting like some cool parapalegic bard. He used to block the aisles at my favorite Fred Meyer and you just can't get in the way of my grocery shopping like that. I've always had it in for this wig-headed, pockmarked miscreant, but then something so very wrong happened--something to forever reserve his place in unstalkable history--Robin Williams optioned the rights to Callahan's biography, "He Won't Get Far On Foot." Just imagining Robin triumphantly hamming it up in a wheelchair is painful.
*Extra*Ray Martin Deford
I thought better of mentioning this little fire-bug in babies misfits and freaks though he heartily fit all three descriptions. A). Because he was a local kid. B). I didn't have a photo and it's his looks that make him so apealling. (I've since obtained a microfilm copy, but it's murky and doesn't do this mini-hesher justice). On June 28, 1996 this 11 yr. old set fire to his apartment complex killing 6. Originally he was the hero, waking people up after his pet rat jumped around and woke him up when it smelled smoke. As a reward he was taken to his favorite restaurant and got to order chocolate cake. But when the truth came out, it was Ray who was the arsonist. He was even setting fires in the motel where the tenants were relocated to. I hate to say it, but he's one hot tard. It's tragic because his parents are tards for real. Neither of them could read or write and his father was wanted by the police and was only caught through all this brouhaha. They lived on disability and collected cans for extra cash. Ray was called "Manson" by the local kids, had a pet python named, "Satan," and carried a knife in his back pocket for "protection." It was harsh how the news kept harping on Ray's mental difficiencies and low I.Q. and then condemning him as a cold-blooded killer. He's got no hope for a pleasant future. It makes me want to join The Big Sister program and mentor him (I know they don't pair males and females).
Tards on Screen: Real and Imagined
Following the rich Hollywood tradition of using the disabled for fun and profit.
This website has sprouted in so many other direction since I started it that sometimes old pages get neglected. So much has happened in the tard world since 1998 that I must re-weigh in on the topic. (4/28/05)
Leonardo ONLY as that retard in Gilbert Grape No, I haven't fallen victim to Leo mania. I did give him a tiny mention in s.c.s. #1, but that was back in day before he'd taken over the world. I like youngsters and blondes, but he's got a weird puffy, girl-face like he's taking estrogen or some hormone. It's creepy. But I didn't know much about him when I first saw "What's Eating Gilbert Grape." I didn't think he was really retarded, but I was hoping. He was so scrawny and dirty and messed-up. It gave me a buzzy feeling like when Henry was out in the woods in his smeared Halloween make-up trying to help E.T. Vulnerable, dirty, childish, and sexy all mixed-up together. Now he's just some star, schmoozing with supermodels (Leo, that is, not Henry). What if he got brain damage from doing so many drugs and getting so much anal sex and became a helpless imbecile that nobody cared about anymore and we became friends?
Kevin Bacon/Digging to China I don't remember this little film directed by Timothy Hutton ever really coming out like it was supposed to last summer. But I do know that Kevin plays a spastic in it. Questionable
Sean Penn/I am Sam As this just opened last weekend, it got me re-thinking the whole tard genre. Sad to say, it's still funny.
Dustin Hoffman/RainmanMary Stuart Masterson/Benny and Joon
Tom Hanks/Forrest Gump
Tom Cruise/Born on the Forth of July & Vanilla Sky
Giovanni Ribisi/The Other Sister (see below)
Geri Jewell Everyone's favorite cerebral palsy comedienne. Don't tell me you never poked fun of Cousin Geri on "Facts of Life." Update: Ah, it's great to see Geri back in the saddle as a chambermaid creatively named Jewel on Deadwood. I swear that a few years ago I found a message board posting about Geri being a lesbian and a stalker, but it appears to have vanished.
Corky I've already lamented the sheer unfunniness of Chris Burke in s.c.s. #3, but I just didn't want you thinking that I'd forgotten him. There was a whole Chris Burke website, but now all that seems to be left is the photo page. Bummer.
Billy Barty: Maybe the most unsung midget. I have no opinion on him, but he should at least be mentioned.
Herve Villachaise: Too bad his Dunkin Donuts comeback was so short lived.
That Mini Me Guy: Did he die too or was that the Kid Rock midget? So many midgets, so little time... Update: Thanks to the '00s fondness for '90s nostalgia, we now have have television shows showcasing Verne Troyer naked and urinating on a bike.
Juliette Lewis/The Other Sister She's been unstalkable since s.c.s. #1 and I'm just tickled that she could make an appearance in this installment. Playing a retard must've really pushed her acting abilities to the limit, you know?
Crispin Glover/What Is It? Yeah, I know he doesn't have Down's or play an afflicted character, but it's all relative to me. I've got this freak-ass screenplay with tards and a talking snail in a box somewhere in Portland.
Hot Tot Links (a.k.a. too much free time on my hands)
Don't blame me too much if the links turn bad--these sites seem to be dropping like flies. The '00s have been tough on the web riff raff.
Star Oasis: The Young Actors Home Not terribly huge, but some odd choices ranging from Jackie Coogan to Scott Baio. Even the celebs I'm not interested in look good and super boyish in the pics they've chosen. It's eerie. There's also a section saluting the little league world series. I think this is a dirty website.
Parvae Stellae: Lesser-known Young Actors I don't know what Parvae Stellae means but I think it must translate as "pervy website." They've got boys from "Popular Mechanics for Kids" and Joseph Cross from "E.T." I didn't even know who he was. Very random, but worth a peek.
Boy Actors of the World This one really creeps me out. Maybe it's the giant photo of a scary kid on the home page (he's gone now). They literally mean of the world. There are boys from Guinea, Iran and of course the U.S. Not too many, but they've got Albert from "Little House on the Prairie" and Peter Billingsly (from his appearance on" Little House"). This is the work of freaks.
LonoMyth's Kid Actor Spotlight A decent variety. Not only photos, but filmographies as well. They range from the beastly ugly, Danny Ponce (one of the twins off "Valerie") to oldies like Billy Mumy. There's also a birthday list which includes Henry Thomas, but they got the date wrong.
My Snappy World Oh, you've got to love those foreigners. I've noticed a disproportionate amount of boy pages coming from the Netherlands. This is devoted to eleven boys ranging from The Ricker during "The Champ" era to the kid who was in "Pete's Dragon." A little nuts. Boys with bowl cuts abound.
Bob 123: Young Actors of the World Large. Has the Ike Eisenmann Factor, which is good.
Child Film Stars Photo Gallery Actually seems legit. One of the few sites that also includes little girls. The owner appears to be a movie memorabilia buyer and dealer. Nice for the range of old and new. It does have an unusual Mark Lester bent. While many of the kids only have one or two photos, Mark has 28! I've gotta love that.
The Good Guys "When hangin' wit GoodGuys there is only one rule...HAVE FUN!!" Well, that's what they suggest. There's Musical GoodGuys, Actors, and Young Actors. It's one of the only boy sites that includes Henry Thomas. Has many of my faves like Lance Kerwin, Ike Eisenmann, and Eddie Furlong. Maybe they're good guys after all.
Former Child Star Central Funny, funny. Sightings, music by former stars, job bank (current employment situations), and missing persons. They'll do their best to find out what your fave child star is up to now.
Obscure Actors Appreciation Society Past, present, I met them, and whatever happened to sections. They don't have a ton, but they've got Ike and Lance, two of my favorites.
Star Galaxy The start of it all. One of the first sites I got hooked on when I became web savvy in '95. Comprehensive. An amazing amount of photos. All my favorites and them some. Somehow they can make any movie role seem dirty. A slant towards boys in showers and beds. They like Henry Thomas in his thermal underwear and who can complain? Youngster pics only. No adult stuff.
the hottest tot site ever
Stalking * Goodies * Lone Star Thomas * Project Me