Memos

By Amy Albert

To: Voyage writers at Twentieth Century-Fox

From: Captain Crane, Commander of the SSRN Seaview

Re: Use of mentally unstable crew members in scripts

I realize that you guys have probably been up for 48 hours and have consumed nothing but instant coffee for that period of time, but I would appreciate it if all of my crew members are able to handle the pressures that come along with our adventures. I am tired of dealing with loony, paranoid, delusional individuals at the most inopportune times! It is incredibly distracting, not to mention nerve-wracking. I lay awake at night wondering just who will crack up next. I can hardly handle the aliens, monsters, crash landings on undersea plateaus, being shot by Admiral Nelson, or having the rods pulled out of the nuclear reactor. (not to mention Krueger. Whose idea was that, anyway?) Dealing with all of these menaces and getting in my full quota of fainting scenes is quite exhausting. Please think the matter over.

P.S.- maybe you guys should get some sleep. About a week's worth. And do some research on your script ideas. I've noticed some obvious flaws.

***

To: Lee Crane

From: Voyage writers

Re: Minding your own business

Are you getting paid to write scripts?? NO!! You are getting paid to yell at your crew and get possessed by evil beings. Frankly, that's what you do best, so kindly do your job and let us do ours. All you people do is whine, whine, whine. It is NOT our fault that all the monsters look the same, or that we have to use a lot of stock footage. We are drastically underpaid and we work like dogs, while all you do is talk into that stupid mike for the intercom system and fall all over the control room when something hits the Seaview. Besides, WE decide what happens in the episodes, so you had better watch it buddy!!

P.S.- we like Krueger, and of you don't apologize we will bring him back and make him a regular! So there!

***

To: Working dogs (a.k.a. the writers)

From: Commander Lee Benjamin Crane ( that's SIR Commander Lee Benjamin Crane to you)

Re: Immature conduct

Talk about touchy! All I did was make a few simple suggestions. There was no need to stoop to the depths of rude name calling to get your point across. What do you know about commanding a submarine, anyway?? All you do is sit in front of some typewriters and think of ways to make my job harder. I don't see any of YOU making undersea crash landings. It's a lot harder than it looks! I am sooo unappreciated. If you won't take any of my suggestions, then fine! I'll lock myself in my cabin and I won't come out until my demands are met. I mean it! I'm the Captain! They can't do anything without me!

P.S.- Damn you AND Gerhardt Krueger!!

***

To: The overpaid stuffed shirt (a.k.a. crane)

From: The underpaid writers

Re: Boy are you bossy

We are not your men, and we will not take orders from you. By the way, while you were pouting in your cabin we held an auction for your banana yellow wet suit, put numerous leaks in the hull, gave Nelson a bad hair day, bought back the mummy, put radioactive material all over the boat, made the huge whale home in on the Seaview, and told a nearby UFO that you have a nuclear reactor. Ha, Ha. Just try to get yourself out of this one. If you don't faint three feet out of your door, the mummy will posses you. Then there will be a fight over who gets to pull the rods out. That is if the whale doesn't put a huge hole in the hull first.

P.S.- We also took away your bathrobe. The red plaid one. Niener, niener.

***

To: The writers

From: Crane

Re: Enough already!!

OK, OK!! Against my better judgement I have decided to give in. I can't stand the growling and the horrible howls. Nelson doesn't sound much more pleasing, either. I withdraw my earlier threats and apologize. Maybe I will take a stress management seminar on my next shore leave.

P.S.- You didn't mean what you said about Krueger did you?