PASS
THE POI PLEASE
By
Mary Elliott
Author’s notes: this is the third and last of my
short cross over stories starting with Three Captains Walk Into a Bar, and
The Doctor Is In.
NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF THIS STORY.
The author wishes to apologize to any person, real
or fictional, who feels they were made to look foolish, boorish or any other
kind of ish. No malice was intended, just having some fun.
*******
You are traveling to another dimension, a dimension
not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose
only boundaries is that of imagination. Next stop is… the Twilight Zone, fan
fic division. I’m Mary Elliott and I'll be your guide.
Imagine if you will a time and place where military
men past, present, and future can meet for a holiday weekend of music, food,
fun... and revenge! (Cue scary music and evil laughter heard off-screen.)
Higgins was making the final preparation for
roasting the pig when Thomas Magnum interrupted him for the hundredth time.
“Don't forget, Higgie, you need to have four
separate tables set up; one with the five admirals, two large ones for the forty
crewmembers from Seaview and finally
the one for Lee and his friends.”
“Magnum, against my advice Robin Masters has allowed
you to have this Labor Day luau on his estate. I have handled affairs for heads
of states, and I surely can handle this… this shindig of yours. I'm only
worried about one thing and I have made special arrangements to prevent it from
occurring. (more evil laughter)
Thomas shuddered to think what would happen if
Higgins failed. He had heard the horror stories about the attack from two years
ago. His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone.
“Yes Admiral Nelson. We received your shipment,
don't worry,
I'm sure we won’t run out of liquor. What's that? No, we will keep a close eye
on everything; no one will be able to tamper with it. Gibbs is loaning us one
of his agents to be the bartender, just to be on the safe side. Tony has been
briefed on what to look for. He has very reliable descriptions of several of
the attackers. This is a private estate with high-tech security. Don't worry, sir, everything will be fine. Yes,
I'll see you at 1400 hours.”
Magnum barely disconnected the phone when it rang
again.
“Admiral Starke, yes, sir. Mr. Lopaka has been in touch
with me. He had Commander Crane under surveillance since Seaview docked. No sir, he has not been anywhere near the FS1.
Crane and Morton left the sub at the same time and have not gone back on board.
Yes, sir, they spent all of yesterday at the
beach and later bar hopping. No sir, Captain Rabb was not with them; however,
they did have a couple drinks with a Marine major and an Army colonel. Yes, Tom
Lopaka is an experienced P I, you can rely on him. He'll keep Crane under
surveillance until he arrives at Robin's Nest. Yes, sir, we'll see you at 1400 hours.”
Thomas closed his cell phone shaking his head. Lee
really had Starke spooked about being attacked by the flying sub. He grinned, lifted
his trademark eyebrow, and wondered how Crane was going to pull off the prank. He
would enjoy seeing that pompous windbag looking over his shoulder all the time.
It was also nice to throw some work to Tom.
Meanwhile
at Lee's and Chip’s room at the Wicky Wacky Hotel...
Lee Crane was double checking the map and timetable. He looked relaxed; Chip Morton did not.
“Lee, I think you’ve lost it. I know Admiral Starke
makes your life miserable but he is a four star, the COMSUBPAC.”
“You worry too much, Chip. Jiggs will never know what hit him. I'll have a full proof
alibi. Harm has made up with AJ so that’s one less admiral looking to be pranked.
Harm told me he’s just going to enjoy
the party, he doesn’t want to get involved in my scheme. Mac kicked him out of
the bedroom for a month after the last little stunt. Thanks to my friends I'll
get my revenge and no one can ever prove I was responsible for the attack.”
(Evil laughter heard off-screen)
Chip looked around the room, puzzled by the sound.
“What was that?”
“What was what?”
“Crazy laughter, I keep hearing crazy laughter every
time you mention revenge.”
“Chip, I think you’ve been working around your
computers too long; your circuit board has a loose connection.”
“Ha ha very funny, I still say you are crazy to go
ahead with your plan. Don't you remember what the Admiral did to you after last
year’s Labor Day barbecue. It was bad enough that you and Harm got carried away
during the flying exhibition and dive bombed AJ and Jiggs; when he thought
you were drunk he really hit the ceiling.”
Lee unconsciously rubbed his backside.
“I didn't realize Nelson was such a firm believer in
corporal punishment. I mean, telling me if I was going to act like a bratty
kid, he was going to treat me like one. You know I wasn’t drunk, I only had two
drinks and no one got hurt.”
Chip snickered. “Well it did give a new meaning to standing watch.”
Lee threw a book at him. Chip ducked.
“I'm out of here. I'm going to take a dip in the
ocean before we have to leave. Please,
Lee; give up this insane idea of years.”
Crane just shook his head and reached for the phone
to call Joe and Pappy. They wanted to go over the instructions once more. By
the end of the day he would have his revenge!
(Evil laughter and scary music off-screen)
This time it was Lee who looked around, thinking
maybe he'd been undersea too long.
Unknown
location (Mission impossible theme song playing in background)...
The three groups were double checking their
equipment and making sure that the backpacks were correctly loaded. It wouldn't
do to successfully breach Robin’s Nest security and not have the necessary
items. The three leaders had met and agreed to join forces; alone they didn't
have a chance, together the mission could not fail! Yelling for everyone to
listen up, each member was given last-minute instructions for “Plan B”. They
had received Intel from their spy Agatha who had found out Higgins’ plans. They
would not fail this time!
Robin’s
Nest at 1300 hours...
Tony was setting up the bar, still mad at Gibbs.
When told he was going undercover in Hawaii during the luau at Robin Masters’s
estate, he imagined a completely different scenario. Well at least he could
look at the dancers. Gibbs was going over the plans for tomorrow’s cookout. He was going to show off his
steak grilling skills.
Jethro came up behind DiNozzo, smacking him on the
head.
“Keep your mind on the job. You don't know how
resourceful these women are. You wouldn't believe what plots and schemes they
have come up with; be prepared for anything.”
“But they look so harmless.”
“Harmless! Do
you know how much damage this group of women have done? How many people they
have hurt and killed. And let's not mention all the bombs and explosives they
have set off to achieve their goals. Some of them are not above torture to get
the job done. Don’t underestimate these women!”
By 1400 hours almost everyone had arrived. Admiral
Nelson had arranged for several vans to transport the crew. This way, the men
could enjoy themselves without worrying about getting safely home. About 40
crew members had chosen to attend the party and they quickly got their first
drinks then sat down at their tables. Admiral Nelson, acting as hosts, greeted
the other four admirals.
“Admiral Kirk, I'm glad you decided to join the
admirals’ table this time. I’m sure you remember Admiral Starke and Admiral Chegwidden
from last year's party. This is Admiral Hawkes who is stationed at Pearl; he
has worked with Magnum on a couple assignments.”
Nelson filled glasses from his special stock and the
officers leaned back to enjoy the dancers and musicians. Jiggs still looked
around nervously whenever there was a sound of rustling wind. Even though he
had received a final report from Tom Lopaka that Crane never returned to Seaview, he was still worried. That arrogant
young man even had the gall to keep looking over at him and then looking up
towards the sky, grinning.
Starke slowly started to relax as Harry kept the
liquor flowing freely. Jiggs was enjoying watching the dancers, especially the
one closest to their table. Could she really be flirting with him?
When the dancers took their break, the women moved
among the guests. Two of them approached the admirals’ table including the one Starke had
his eye on. AJ and Kirk were busy with the other dancer while Jiggs’ friend was
making her intention known to him.
“Why don't you meet me on the beach later, I can
give you a couple private lessons?” the beautiful Hawaiian whispered. “I know a
place where we won't be disturbed.”
Not believing his luck, Jiggs quickly agreed to meet
her at seven o'clock. Before he could say anything else, there was a loud
disturbance made by two men who were arguing as they approached the tables.
Quickly, Lee and Chip jumped up from their seats sensing trouble. They hurried
to intercept the two quarreling men.
“What the hell is going on here?”
The first man, dressed in a bright Hawaiian shirt,
turned towards Crane. He was about the same height as Lee but had a heavier build
and looked about 10 years older.
“It's very simple, as head of Five-0 I received an
invitation to this luau. My name is Steve McGarrett. This man has been
following me the last 15 miles on his motorcycle and claims he has an invitation
to this party.”
“I don't see what the problem is, Mr. McGarrett. Magnum told me he
was inviting some people. Why shouldn't this man also have been invited?”
“I'll tell you why,” the younger man yelled. “I'm
Steve McGarrett, and I happen to be
in charge of Five-0.”
Mr. Hawaiian Shirt turned redder. “This man is an imposter, and a pretty bad
one at that.”
“Why the hell would I impersonate someone who has
hair like yours? A hurricane couldn’t
move it.”
Lee and Chip looked at each other, they had
experienced time travel, but there was no way these two were the same men at
different ages. Chip leaned close to Lee and whispered in his ear. “It must be
a Twilight Zone thing.”
“You mean like the two different Darrins or Ms.
Ellies?”
“Don't get me started on that. Just go with the flow
skipper, let them both enjoy the party.”
“Okay guys. Listen up. We decided this is some sort
of sci-fi thing. You know, two different persons inhabiting the same entity at
the same time, probably different dimensions, some sort of time warp
thingamajig. I'm sure Admiral Nelson, the genius that he is, could explain it a
lot better. However he's drunk right now and couldn't explain how to tie his
shoes. You are both welcome to enjoy the party, but no fighting.”
“How are you going to introduce us? We both can't be
Steve McGarrett,” the first McGarrett
whined.
“How about Tweddledee and Tweddledum,” Chip muttered
under his breath.
Lee sent him a warning look before addressing the
men again.
“I don't suppose you would agree to senior and
junior?”
Both men cross their arms and stared at him.
“Stephen and Steve maybe?”
No reaction. Chip whispered in Lee's ear again. “I
still say Tweedledee and Tweedledum.”
Lee stomped on the XO’s foot.
“How about an alias, pretending that you're working
undercover. You look like a Jack,” and turning to the younger man, “you look
like an Alex; how about that?”
Both Steves looked at each other then back at Lee.
“Okay, just so we don't have to sit together.”
Lee quickly motioned towards the bar. The two officers
watched as the Steves made their way to the bar.
“Quit pushing. I still say I make a better McGarrett.”
“In your dreams, old man. I’m a SEAL; you couldn't
do half the stuff I do.”
They continued to snap at each other as they got
their drinks.
“I thought we were bad,” laughed Lee.
“Come on, they're ready to serve the roasted pig.
I'm starving.”
The next couple of hours was spent enjoying the
feast. Thankfully the food help sobered up some of the men, including Admiral
Nelson. As the waitresses removed dishes, the MC came forward.
“We have something special planned for you tonight!”
Before the entertainers could take the stage a large
helicopter appeared overhead dangling heavy ropes. Nine black clad intruders repelled
down, landing in front of the two officers’ tables as three of the wait staff appeared suddenly behind Nelson,
Crane, and Morton, pressing a metal object firmly against their backs.
Higgins sprang into action.
“Zeus, Apollo protect!” The dogs quickly obeyed,
standing in front of the tables, bearing their sharp teeth.
Beverly yelled out “Activate Plan B.”
Sue and two others reached into their backpacks and
removed three adorable female cats that pranced over to Zeus and Apollo, looked
them in the eyes, meowed, turned and wiggled their cute fluffy behinds, lifted
their tails at the two Dobermans and pranced away. Zeus and Apollo looked at
each other and shook their large heads. They were just insulted by some pieces
of fur and they weren't going to stand for that. The race was on as the cats
took off, each going in different directions, the dogs bounding after them.
“Zeus, Apollo, heel!” ordered Higgins. “Zeus, Apollo!” Higgins ran after them. “Zeus Apollo, stop. Come back. Come back to daddy,”
Higgins cried as he raced across the lawn.
The intruders started towards the three officers
when Admiral Kirk and Dr. McCoy opened fire with their phasers, which were set
on stun, barely missing two of the intruders before Lee ordered the firing to
stop.
“Who are you and what you want from us?” Crane
demanded.
The black clad group removed their hoods. “It's very
simple,” Rita explained. “We are
Lee's Luscious Ladies.”
Kathy stepped
up. “We are Chip’s Cuties.”
Helen claimed, “We're Harry's Harem.” She explained
further. “Your PA Department kept refusing our requests, so we took matters
into our own hands.”
“What do you want from us?” repeated Admiral Nelson.
Chip was just eyeing his group of cuties; this luau
was looking up, he thought.
Diane offered an explanation. “We want pictures,
lots and lots of pictures. Plus your autograph on the photos we have all of you
in action aboard Seaview.”
“We also brought some brownies and cookies, we know
how much Lee and Chip like their sweets,” contributed Storm.
“Don't forget the Admiral’s Scotch,” yelled Helen.
“I want to check out your lab,” requested Michelle.
“And we want a tour of the Seaview; we need to see where the brig really is located. We also
want to see sick bay, and want to know where Chip’s cabin is. What side of the
room is Lee's bunk really on?” Pauline, Carol and Jo all voiced their desires
from behind three men as they removed the cell phones that had been stuck
against the men’s backs.
The Seaview officers
looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. Why not?
“How can we refuse such resourceful women? We’ll gladly
sign and pose for you and tomorrow you are more than welcome to come aboard the
boat. You may take as many pictures as you want except, of course, the
classified areas. Now, why don't you
join us for a drink and watch the dancers. I believe the MC mentioned something
special.” The Admiral escorted the Harry's Harem group to his table.
Jiggs took
advantage of the commotion and went to meet his lady friend on the beach. His
leaving did not go unnoticed by Lee and Kirk. At Crane's nod, Jim opened up his
communicator and gave the word. Lee would soon have his revenge! (Evil laughter sounds off screen)
Sue and Mary looked around at the sound and grinned
at each other. This was going to be good.
Admiral Starke found Lulu from the luau waiting for
him on the beach.
“Come this way Sugar Bear, there's a private cove
just down the beach when no one will bother us.”
A five-minute stroll brought them to the secluded
spot; a bottle of wine was already chilled in a bucket of ice and a blanket
spread out on the sand.
“Why don't you take off your shoes and open the
wine. I'm just going to change into my bikini. Don't peak, I'll be right behind
those rocks; just lay back and relax. You’re going to have the experience of a
lifetime,” Lulu promised.
As soon as she got behind the rock formation, Lulu
activated the flare, stuck it in the sand and ran.
Above the beach in the cloaked FS1, three men waited
for the signal, already alerted by Kirk’s transmission.
“You realize, Joe, how much damage we could have
done with all this equipment when we were fighting our war. The enemy would
never have known what hit them.”
“Well Pappy, from what I've heard, you hit them
pretty hard without all these gadgets.”
The third
member of the group spoke up. “ I hate to interrupt your guy’s reminiscence,
but there's the signal.”
“Get ready to make the drop, remember when the hatch
opens, the inside of the ship will be visible. Pappy will shut off as much light as possible
seconds before the drop.”
“Don't worry, Gallagher, I've done sneakier missions
than this one with my team,” the cigar smoking man quipped. “But you do have to
hand it to Hawkeye for suggesting this to Lee. Are you sure you know how to
handle that camera? Crane really wants his pictures.”
“Don't worry about us, just do your part.”
FS1 was in position for the attack! Joe wiped his
damp hands on his pants and grabbed the stick, lowering the ship to 50 feet
above their target.
“Now, drop it now!”
The net was pushed out of the hatch; the cord yanked
it open, spilling out 40 pounds of fish heads and entrails on the man below.
“Bull's-eyes, he didn't even look up,” yelled
Boyington.
“I love it when a plan comes together.”
The still cloaked flying sub bolted from the area. (Evil laughter was heard off-screen... I said
evil laughter... Stop that giggling. Who's writing this anyway? What the hell, go ahead and giggle).
YOU ARE NOW LEAVING THE TWILIGHT ZONE
*****************************************
For some of the younger crowd or those who didn’t
watch way too much TV.
PAUL BURKE-Col Joseph A. Gallagher in 12 O’Clock High
And as
Admiral Hawkes in Magnum PI, a guest
star in two episodes
ROBERT CONRAD-Tom Lopaka in Hawaiian Eye
And as
Major Gregg “Pappy” Boyington in Black
Sheep Squadron
GEORGE PEPPARD-Hannibal Smith in A-Team (third man in FS1)
I hope I don’t have to explain the others.
MENTIONED BUT DID NOT APPEAR
DICK YORK replaced by DICK SARGENT-Darrin in Bewitched
BARBARA BEL GEDDES replaced one season by DONNA
REED-Miss Ellie in Dallas
ALAN ALDA-Hawkeye Pierce in M*A*S*H (I admit taking the dumping trash idea from an episode)
I wanted to make a reference to Jack Lord looking
like someone Chip had worked with (Stoney
Burke TV show) or Lee had replaced
on a mission
(Felix Leiter-James Bond movies) or even knowing Joe Gallagher(played his older
brother Preston) but I couldn’t work it into the story. I mean, that would just be too silly.