THE DOCTOR IS IN

By Mary Elliott

Capt. Joshua J. Newman, M.D. looked at the two officers pacing up and down in his office. It was very unusual for two Navy officers, admirals no less, to be seeking help from an Army psychiatrist. But then the story they were telling him was also very strange, and he had heard a lot of strange things in his line of work.

He looked over his notes from the session just completed. Both of these men claim they were attacked the previous Labor Day by a yellow Stearman and something they were calling a flying sub, also yellow in color. Yellow again; I wonder if they have a bedwetting problem? If they were two other officers he would think it was a joke, or maybe Liebowitz was just getting back at him. Maybe they were suffering from a persecution complex?

Captain Newman peeked around the file in his hand as they continued to pace, now at an alarming rate; soon he would have no carpet left in his office. He liked this carpet. Lieutenant Corum had picked it out personally just for him. They were now waving their arms in the air, muttering under their breaths. He laid down his notes and tried to listen. The better looking one was saying something about forgiving someone for shooting holes in the courtroom ceiling, escaping from the brig and always resigning his commission.

Running his hand over his almost bald head, he said, “So why did he try to mow me down last Labor Day? I don’t get it. He’s the best damn lawyer I’ve got. And he has Mac to work with. What am I supposed to do with the guy?”

The other one was in even worse shape. His face was red and he was shaking his fist at someone who was not there. “Crane’s problem is he thinks he can get away with everything because Nelson lets him run roughshod over him. He would never last under my command.”

Captain Newman thought he heard something about old Navy was the only way to do things, and being taken over by aliens, ghosts and creatures from the ocean was warping their judgment. The doctor slowly moved his hand towards the telephone; maybe it was time to call for backup.

Suddenly he turned to the other and cried out, “I swear, AJ, I saw Crane talking on this weird looking cell phone. He was speaking to someone named Jim and asking how to install something called a cloaking device. Said he was going to chase down and scare the pants off an overweight old Navy SOB this Labor Day at the luau! How is anybody supposed to work with somebody like that. I swear, Harry must be crazy himself!”

Captain Newman wasted no time picking up the phone and yelling for two straitjackets.

Captain Newman, MD starred Gregory Peck, with Angie Dickinson as Lieutenant Corum and Tony Curtis as Corporal Leibowitz. Taken from the novel by Leo Rosten, both are worth the time to watch or read.