Torn.

A story by Seaview Siren. 2018.

The message had been waiting for Captain Crane when he docked. Angie had pressed it into his hands. Told him his sister had called. It had sounded urgent. Lee had immediately rung her cell, and found out his mother was very ill in the local hospital.

His insides had immediately chilled with fear. He had rushed out of the office almost colliding with Nelson. He couldn’t even bring himself to give an explanation. He just had to get away.

Lee gunned his Cobra along the city streets, with all sorts of thoughts churning in his mind. How poorly was she? Why hadn’t she told him last time they’d spoken?

Lee tried to remember the last time he had seen her. Tears filled his eyes. It had to have been a couple of months. He had always so busy with his work, his life. He’d not even spoken to his mother since before the last mission.

He pulled down a side street narrowly missing another car and cursed under his breath. He had to get there. See his mother. That was all that mattered.

Lee’s phone was ringing constantly. He saw it was the admiral. He switched it off angrily. He didn’t want to speak to the older man.

He should’ve been there for his mother. Resentment fuelled his anger.

He pulled into the hospital’s overflow parking lot and swung round impatiently looking for a parking space. He cursed under his breath, then finally found someone reversing out of a space.

Lee pulled into the space, locked his car, and ran towards the entrance. He hadn’t changed of course, except tossing his hat off.

His sister waiting for him. She rushed towards him. “She’s died Lee, Mom’s died!” she cried and fell into his arms sobbing.

Lee took hold of her. Clung to her. He was too late. Far too late.

Tears fell down his face as he buried his face in his sister’s soft hair.

“Oh no,” Lee cried, “No!”

He held his sister, guilt filling his guts making him feel nauseated. He’d been too late. Too damned late. The surroundings and bustle of the hospital was oblivious to him as the grief sank in.

Soon he was standing by his mother’s bedside. She looked so still and peaceful. The doctor had told him the stroke was sudden. Lee demanded answers. Why had she had a stroke? She was usually in good health.

Karen, his sister, confessed that Mary had started suffering with her blood pressure and had been put on medication.

“She begged me not to tell you Lee,” Karen sobbed. “She didn’t want you to worry. You have your career.”

Lee threw the chair aside and walked from the room slamming the door behind him. His career? At that moment he hated it!

He looked back towards the door. How dare they not tell him? They should’ve told him. He now felt betrayed on top of everything else.

He walked back along the corridors towards the main entrance, his head down. His shoulders sagged with the heavy burden.

Soon Lee climbed back into his car and sped away. He had to get away. He didn’t know where to.

Admiral Nelson repeatedly tried Lee’s phone number. Angie had told him about Karen Crane’s message, but that she didn’t know what is was all about. Chip joined Nelson in his office, equally concerned.

Nelson slammed the phone down. “The hospital won’t give me any information. Karen isn’t answering her phone either. What the hell am I to do?”

The older man was angry and concerned. Chip could see this. Lee was like a son / brother. Nelson relied so heavily on the captain. They’d had so much work and so many missions lately. No one had had much spare time. Lee would be feeling this. Chip knew. He knew his best friend.

This liberty was only short. Lee knew this of course. Nelson needed him here despite his personal problems.

“Look,” Chip said, “I’ll drive down to his cottage and try to find him”

Nelson sighed into his hands. He was worried about Lee, of course he was. He wanted to make sure the lad was ok.

He also had a lot of important paperwork that had to be sorted. He needed Lee here. He needed Lee found.

Nelson got up and paced his office. He felt torn. Torn between his duty and their friendship. He lit another cigarette then stubbed it out angrily. Damned things wouldn’t solve anything.

Lee drove around in his car, with thoughts of his mother, and the happy memories of childhood. How close they had been. How she’d supported him in his naval career after his father had died. And how had he repaid her? By never being there, that’s how!

He pulled up near a liquor store and brought two bottles of whiskey. He never touched the stuff. Maybe now he’d start. He didn’t want to think and he didn’t want to feel. He just wanted to blot everything out.

Chip had pulled up to Lee’s cottage along Santa Barbara’s sea front. It stood back a little from the beach on a slight incline. A rocky path led down to a jetty where various boats were moored. Lee had a boat of his own there. He had named it ‘Mary’ after his mother. Chip walked down there, as a sea breeze lifted his fair hair slightly. He’d check the boat first.

Chip found no sign of Lee there and walked back up the path. He bent down to pet a small dog that had come running his way for a thrown stick. Chip picked the stick up and threw it for the dog.

The owner thanked him.

“A nice little dog you’ve got there, ma’am,” he told her. She was a middle aged woman. She laughed.

“He’s got more energy than I have!”

Chip walked back to Lee’s cottage and tried the door. Lee had a garage for his car so Chip gave a knock. He waited a bit then walked back to his SUV. He decided to drive round a bit longer. If he was honest he didn’t want to face the admiral. And, he was worried about Lee.

Lee drove around while it got dark. Then he headed for home. So many thoughts were rushing round his brain. He couldn’t bear it.

He screeched his car to a halt in the driveway, grabbed the two bottles, and unlocked the door.

Lee noticed right away that his answering machine was flashing with messages. He ignored it and opened one of the whiskey bottles and poured himself a glass. He downed some of the amber liquid. It burned his throat. He wasn’t much of a drinker except the odd beer with the boys.

He took the bottle with him and slumped onto his sofa.

His mother was dead. He hadn’t had chance to say goodbye. He burst into sobs.

“Why Mom, why?” he cried.

Chip made a quick call to the admiral.

“I’ll drive over to his place, too,” Nelson said, “there’s no point in me staying here!”

The admiral put the receiver down and got up. He’d sent Angie home half an hour ago. She’d been hanging round, concerned. It was getting late.

As the admiral walked out to his car, another car pulled up. A woman got out. It was Lee’s sister.

“Oh Harry, I can’t get through to Lee, I’m so worried!”

“Karen, what on earth’s the matter?”

“You don’t know? No, of course not. Our mother died. It was a stroke. Lee’s distraught!”

Harry took out his phone and rang Chip with the news.

“I’ll head back to his cottage,” Chip said, his voice with an edge to it.

Harry embraced Karen. “Commander Morton is out looking for him. I’m going over to the cottage myself, too. We’ll find him.”

“Can I come over with you?”

“Yes, of course.” Nelson agreed as the poor woman looked beside herself with grief and worry. She joined him in his car and they set off.

Chip saw Lee’s car outside the cottage and breathed a sigh of relief. He swung his car in next to it. The lights were on.

He approached the front door and rang the doorbell. Repeatedly. Then he knocked. Banged on the door actually. He waited but got no reply so he lifted the letter box.

“Lee it’s Chip, open up! Lee if you don’t answer I’ll use my gun!”

After a few moments with more doorbell rings and knocking, Lee finally unlocked the door. Chip followed Lee back into the living room, instantly noticing the bottle of whiskey on the floor.

“Want a drink, Chip?” Lee asked him and almost tripped over his discarded shoes.

“No, Lee and you’ve had enough. Come on,” he said and helped Lee to the sofa.

Lee swiped the bottle up, “I’ll know when I’ve had enough, Chip!” he slurred and took a swig from the bottle.

Chip went into the kitchen hoping to brew some coffee for Lee before the admiral turned up.

He felt for Lee, he really did. He wanted to help him. He was also worried about their upcoming mission. He didn’t think Lee would be in any fit state to take command.

Chip lifted a mug from the rack on the side of the cupboard; a piece of furniture that had been left in the cottage when Lee had bought it.

He had been reluctant to get rid of it and Chip had teased him about it.

Chip soon filled the mug with black coffee and took it through to Lee who looked up at him. Lee’s eyes were red and the dark circles under them were even more prominent.

“Get some of this down you Lee, the admiral’s coming over.”

“I don’t want him here Chip,” Lee said angrily as he got up. “If you don’t send him away, I will. And you go get lost too!”

Lee grabbed the bottle and trudged upstairs.

Chip sighed, more disappointed than angry. This was going to be a long night.

As Harry drove himself and Karen to Lee’s home, she told him about what had happened. She’d been called while at work by a neighbor of her mother’s. She’d gone straight over and the paramedics had already been there. Mary had been brought out on a stretcher. Karen had grabbed her hand.

“I could see the down turn of her mouth, Harry; it was terrible.”

Harry reached for her arm, squeezed it.

“Lee’s blaming himself for not being there I know he is. He shouldn’t. Mom knew how important his career was.”

“Of course she did, she encouraged him. Lee has fondly recalled this to me often.”

He slowed the car down at a busy intersection and waited on the red lights.

“He’s mad with me; I know he is,”Karen continued. “Mom made me promise not to tell him about her condition. I should’ve, I should’ve broken that promise. It wasn’t fair to Lee.”

Harry sighed as he set off again. No it wasn’t. Lee should’ve been informed.

Karen was plainly distressed. It was obvious the woman had been torn between a promise and doing what she should’ve.

Chip sat at the foot of Lee’s bed. He wasn’t going no matter how many times Lee had ordered him to go.

“We’re not on the sub now Lee, I’m not following any of your orders. I’m going to sit here all night if I have to,” he told Lee and swiped the bottle from Lee.

“That’s all you’re having.”

Lee tried to swipe it out of Chip’s hand and for a moment they fought over it. Chip retained his hold and took the bottle downstairs. Just in time to see car lights in the driveway. He opened the door and Karen ran in.

“He’s upstairs,” Chip told her.

Harry walked in, “How is he?”

“Hurt, angry, guilt ridden. Blames the job. He’s been at the booze.”

Harry sighed. “I’ll let Karen talk to him. Apparently Mary had been suffering with severe high blood pressure. She made Karen promise not to tell Lee. And Karen didn’t.”

Karen sat on the bed next to Lee. He was a mess, his uniform was all creased and grubby. His eyes were red, his cheeks tear stained and there was the evident smell of whiskey on his breath. This wasn’t her big brother. She recalled a childhood holiday. Lee and she hiking through some woods. Having an ‘adventure’ as Lee always called hikes. They never went too far. But in make believe it was miles and miles away from civilization.

Both of them had been carefree and happy. So innocent. After high school Lee had gone straight into Annapolis. She had gone into teaching.

She gripped her brother’s hand. “I’m sorry Lee, it’s all my fault,” she sobbed. Lee pulled his hand away. At that moment he felt no compassion for his sister. Only anger. His mother had been very precious to him. How dare they keep it from him? His anger was still apparent in his voice, “When did it start?”

“What?”Karen asked.

“The hypertension, when?”he demanded, sitting up against his pillow and staring at Karen. She could see the anger in his eyes.

“Um, last fall, October, Mom…Mom started getting headaches. Her doctor tested her blood pressure and found it far too high. She was put on tablets. She told me not to mention them. I thought it was ok. As long as she took them. She’d be ok. She made me promise not to bother you. Said it was nothing to worry you about. She knew what you were like for worrying, Lee.”

Lee got up off the bed, “But she wasn’t ok!” he shouted. He walked to the window.

“I just thought she would be. I was at her house last weekend and she was absolutely fine. She didn’t mention feeling ill or anything. I didn’t know,”Karen cried

Lee stood at the window looking out over the beach, illuminated only from the lights in the cottage. He was silent for a while. Then he turned to Karen.

“Tell Nelson and Chip to go. I’m not going back to sea.”

Karen left the room and went downstairs were Harry and Chip were.

“He’s hurting pretty badly, says you have to go. And that he’s not coming back to work.”

Harry decided he’d better take charge of the situation.

“The two of you best go. Go on and get some rest. I’ll stay here.”

“But?”Karen began.

Chip was on his feet. “Come on Karen.”

Harry locked up the cottage, kicked his shoes off and sat on the sofa. If Lee needed him, he’d be there.

Lee had fallen asleep, emotionally drained.

Lee woke up in the small hours, his throat dry and he had a splitting headache. He sat at the edge of his bed and rubbed his eyes.

He trudged down the staircase into the living room and saw someone sleeping on the sofa. Obviously Chip had stayed over.

He put on the kitchen light, got a glass of water and looked in a drawer for some aspirin.

The events of yesterday were all to clear to him, despite his binge on the whiskey. All it had done had given him a bad headache. He switched the light off and went back into the living room.

He turned on the lamp and saw it wasn’t Chip who had stayed the night.

“Admiral?”

Harry stirred and opened his eyes. “Oh, Lee, what time is it?”

Lee checked his watch, “0400. Why are you still here?”

“To stop you from throwing your career away!”

“You’re wasting your time Admiral, I’ve had it. I don’t care about my job or anything anymore!

“You’re not thinking straight, Lee, you’re hurting, you need time. Maybe after the funeral we can….”

“I haven’t even started hurting! She was my mother for God’s sake!”

“You have to give it time, Lee,” Nelson said as he got up, seeing the pain in Lee’s eyes. He was afraid Mrs. Crane’s death would break him.

“Don’t patronise me, Admiral. You don’t know what it’s like! You never let anyone get close to you. ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS WORK!”

Harry knew that he was not going to do any good here. Lee was too angry, too hurt. Harry would have to sort things out at the institute, and give

Lee some time.

“If you want to leave the institute and Seaview, there will be a few things you’ll have to sort out. I’ll give you till after the funeral…but if you need us before then, we’ll be there for you. Let us know about the funeral, day, place, and time?”

“Just go, Admiral, I don’t want you here, or there. You or Chip!”

Harry walked out into the early morning light. As he got into his car tears threatened to fall down his cheeks. He couldn’t bear to see Lee like this. Lee needed his friends around him. Not to push them away. He hoped Lee wouldn’t leave. Life wouldn’t be the same without him. Nelson fought back tears as he drove.

Harry went straight back to his apartment at the institute. He showered and changed and went down to his office. The upcoming mission required the usual attention. He picked up a clipboard to go through a list. Then flung it across the room in anger. He covered his face and let the tears fall.

Seaview left port for the next mission with Chip as acting captain. The crew had been only been told Captain Crane was on bereavement leave. Many wanted to offer their condolences.

Harry stood at the observation nose windows with a coffee mug in his hand as he watched the waves whip up and the dock getting further away. He’d half expected Lee to be watching from ashore or even to have returned to Seaview, but Lee had done neither. Harry wasn’t sure whether he would do either ever again.

Chip joined him with a coffee, he knew Harry was hurting. He was hurting too. He had wanted to find out about funeral arrangements but Lee wouldn’t answer his phone and Karen’s phone kept going to her answering service. So nobody knew anything, though Angie was trying to find out.

“We should make our destination in good time Sir,” Chip interrupted the silence.

Harry nodded, “I’ll be in my cabin Chip,” he said vanished up the spiral ladder.

Chip sighed. Harry was even more depressed than he.

Lee was out on his fishing boat. He’d only taken her out a little way. Just far enough away from the shore and killed the engine. He had some jeans and a sweatshirt on. And some deck shoes. He had noticeable stubble on his face from not shaving. The sun was beating down. He could hear seagulls and the sound of children in the distance. He lifted his sweatshirt off leaving a vest. It was so peaceful out here.

He’d done a lot of thinking this last week. Done a lot of hurting. The funeral was being held tomorrow. At least now he wouldn’t be going alone.

Karen had come over to the cottage, upset and begging for him to forgive her. Lee had taken his sister into his arms and held her. It wasn’t her fault. He couldn’t blame her. His mother had always had a stubbornness about her. A bit like Admiral Nelson.

Lee turned the engine back on. This was doing no good. His mother wouldn’t want him to be like this. He set off back for shore.

Lee stood by the gravesite with his arm round Karen. The priest had given a great service with Mary’s favorite hymn ‘Amazing Grace,’ sung by close friends of Mary’s and family members. Karen had read a poem, while Lee had stood silently wiping his eyes.

At the head of gravesite was a beautiful wreath that Angie had arranged after getting through to Karen.

Lee drove his sister home and changed. Then he drove to the Institute. He wanted to be there. He hadn’t been thinking straight.

Angie met him with a hug as soon as he entered the office suite.

“It’s really good to see you Lee,” she told him.

Lee gave her a smile, “Thank you Angie,” he said and went into Harry’s office.

Angie turned to Tish and put her thumb up. Captain Crane was back.

Lee sat at Harry’s desk and went through some of his notes. Lee knew he should be on the Seaview with him and regretted his actions.

Harry had some paperwork to take to his office, and closed up his lab before making his way to the nearly deserted control room. As he entered an N.I.M.R. car pulled up dockside. Lee got out and thanked the driver and received condolences from the deck officers. He was back in full uniform and clean shaven.

Lee climbed down the topside ladder and bumped smack into Harry about to climb up.

“Admiral?” Lee asked anxiously.

Such was Harry’s relief at seeing his best friend again, he dropped his case and opened his arms.

“Welcome back, Lee,” Harry said as both men embraced.

The End.