Sometimes it seems that life is just all about wanting. You want something so badly, and then as soon as you get it, or even before you do, you find yourself wanting something else. For me, it used to be all about winning, about wanting to win, wanting the gold so badly that I’d do almost anything to get it. Then it was about wanting to make a difference, to feel something through skating, to prove I could. Now? Now it’s not about wanting something anymore... it’s about wanting someone.
6:45 a.m. Ross sat alone in the empty rink, waiting for his partner and Marina to arrive for their early-morning practice session. He’d slept in, and fearing he was going to be late, had grabbed the letter and driven to the rink so fast he’d actually arrived early. So here he sat, on a bench rinkside, skates unlaced, reading once again.
Wanting. Wanting so much, so badly, so suddenly. He knew how it felt. He knew what it felt like to want to win, and now he was learning what it felt like to want something... someone... like nothing he’d ever wanted before. How did she know, this admirer of his... how did she always seem to know exactly what she was thinking?
There’s only one person in this entire world who always seems to be able to
read your mind, a voice in the back of his mind kept reminding him. You know
who she is. You know...
I want so much... maybe too much. Maybe wanting so much, so fast, isn’t
going to get me anywhere. But I can’t stop wanting. To know, to feel, to have... everything.
You. Us. That everything.
Who else could write these words that so perfectly echoed his own thoughts?
Who else could feel like this... could feel these things that he couldn’t even articulate in
words, but recognized in hers? Who else could know, know so much, so
instinctively?
Only her, the voice in his head insisted. It could only be her.
So many times before, he’d been thinking something, on ice or off, and Julie had
known exactly what it was. So many times, he’d looked into her eyes and known that no
one else could know him the way she did. For so long, he’d convinced himself that it was
a different sort of connection, one of partnership, friendship, even one of soulmates. Only
now was he beginning to see why.
Ironically, the only secret he’d ever been able to successfully keep from her was his
love.
Feeling like this is scary sometimes. It’s almost overwhelming, the thoughts, the hopes,
the longing. The wondering what if. Lying awake at night and thinking... thinking things I
shouldn’t be thinking. You know what I mean. Haven’t you ever felt this way? Wait. I
know this is stupid, but the second I wrote that, I found myself hoping you haven’t.
Because I know I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Only you.
The voice was so familiar, and yet, he kept battling the voice in his head that said it
had to be. The writing, the words, the very tone of the letters... it was all her. Sure, it
was more wistful, more vulnerable, but he’d seen that side of her before. Rarely, yes, but
he had seen it. He knew what she was like when she was trying to hide, and he
knew what she was like in her rare moments of confession. What he didn’t know
was what she was like when she was in love.
Only you...
Feelings that were so new, emotions he’d never felt before. Something new to
deal with every time he thought he had it figured out. He, too, had never felt this way
about anyone before.
He suddenly realized that he’d given up battling that voice in his head. He was no
longer separating her from Her. For the first time since the letters had started, he really
believed that his secret admirer and his secret love could well be one and the same.
Please, God, he prayed silently. Let it be her.
Julie walked into the rink, swinging her bag as she looked around to see if her coach and partner had arrived. As she noticed her partner sitting on a bench alone, she opened her mouth to greet him, but when she saw what he was doing, her words suddenly flew out the window.
Here? her mind asked wildly. He’s reading the letter here? I can’t go over to him while he’s reading that, I can’t, I can’t!
That note... those words she’d poured her heart and soul into. Her confessions of fear, longing and desire, her secret hopes, her dreams of love...
Those words he didn’t know she’d written.
Standing stock-still in the doorway, she didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t go up to him while he was reading that. She just couldn’t. Her feet would not move. Being so close to him while he was looking at a piece of her heart was just too much to deal with.
Luckily, fate intervened in the form of their coach.
“Good morning,” Marina greeted pleasantly from behind her. “Why you are standing in the doorway?”
“I was just... uh...” Julie searched hurriedly for an excuse. “I was trying to remember if I’d turned the stove off before I left home,” she finished lamely.
Her coach just nodded and they walked in together. Ross heard them and looked up, quickly stuffing the letter into his bag.
“Hi, guys,” he greeted brightly.
“Hi!” Julie returned, just as cheerfully.
They looked at each other for a moment, then looked away.
“Uh... I’d better get my skates laced,” Ross said, looking down at his untied boots.
“Yeah, I’d better get mine on too,” Julie replied agreeably.
Marina just looked at her students and shook her head to herself. Who would’ve thought? Who would’ve guessed that these two students of hers, this pair of opposites, would ever come to this... this little romantic comedy only she could really see? Off ice, they were hiding, and every reaction was guarded... on ice, they let themselves go.
Strange, the coach thought to herself. Strange how only under the guise of performance were they showing their true feelings.
It was a strange world, this world of sport and art combined. Acting became reality and reality became acting... and no one was ever quite sure if love was real or if all the passion was just theatre on ice.
On the ice warming up, Julie was sure. She was sure she loved her partner in a way she’d never felt about anyone else before. Stroking alongside her, her partner was equally sure of his love, but not so sure of whether it was reciprocated, in letter or not... Watching them from the boards, Marina was sure she’d discovered what they themselves were yet unsure of. She’d worked with many pairs who had skated as lovers but weren’t, and many others who had been lovers. She knew full and well how easy it was to be fooled by what was real and what wasn’t, but this time, she knew what she saw.
This time, she was sure it was real.
“Okay, so whose car are we gonna take to Montreal?” Julie questioned as the partners sat side by side on a bench, unlacing their skates after practice.
There was a moment of contemplation, and then...
“Mine,” the both announced in unison.
“Why yours?” she asked immediately, hands on her hips.
“Mine’s bigger,” Ross replied reasonably.
“So? It’s not even overnight, it’s not like we’re gonna be taking any major suitcases or anything,” she countered.
“Knowing you, we probably will be,” he teased.
“Oh, shut up!” She whacked him with her skate guards. “Okay, okay, we’ll take your car.”
“So, when do you wanna leave?” he inquired.
“Well... the thing starts at seven, I think,” she mused. “And we’ll need at least an hour to get ready...”
“An hour?” he repeated. “Wait. Okay, yeah, you will need an hour to get ready...” He laughed and dodged away from her as she leaned over to hit him again.
“So we should be there by 5:30-ish,” she completed, giving him a mock stern look. “Wanna leave at two?”
“Sounds good to me,” he agreed. “I’ll pick you up at quarter to tomorrow, ‘kay?”
“Um hm.” She slid her feet into her sneakers and leaned over to tie her shoes. “Remember, this is a fancy thing, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, no sneakers with my tux,” he interrupted. “I know, no more lectures, I think I’ve heard this one enough.”
“Okay.” She grinned. “And don’t even think about convincing me to skip out early like last time. We could get in trouble, you know.”
“But these things are so boring,” he grumbled. “I mean, all those executives and stuff making speeches about who knows what...”
“Don’t whine,” she scolded playfully. “I know they’re boring. It’s part of the job, though, and you know it.”
“Who said we aren’t allowed to complain about it?” He made a face. “All this fancy-schmancy dress-up stuff is just not for me. I mean, we spend enough time dressed up on ice...”
“Dressing up is the only fun part about it!” she exclaimed. “Actually, I’m almost looking forward to it.”
“You would.” He got up and started towards the dressing room. “So, tomorrow at quarter to two?”
“Yup.” She looked up from tying her shoe and nodded. “I’ll be waiting. See ya.”
“I’ll call you,” he said with a wave, and left.
Julie picked up her skates and was just about to leave when she was stopped by her coach’s voice.
“Julianne,” Marina called from the other end of the rink. “I am wanting to speak with you, yes?”
Uh oh, Julie thought to herself as she made her way over to where Marina was sitting. She wants to talk to me? Again? What this time? Could it be possible that she knows? Oh, God, what if she does know? I would die, I honestly would...
Quit being so melodramatic, she scolded herself. It’s probably just something totally different.
“What is it?” Julie asked her coach, sitting down on the bench beside her. “Is it something about today’s practice?”
“Is not about the skating.” Marina shook her head. “Julianne, it is about you.”
Julie’s heart flipped. “About me?”
“I told you few days ago that I notice something different about you,” her coach continued. “Only I did not know what it was. Now, I think I know. Do you know what I am speaking of?”
Under Marina’s intense gaze, the only thing Julie could do was stare at the ground.
“No,” she replied in a barely audible voice.
“Something has changed,” Marina continued, unfazed by her student’s lack of cooperation. “I have seen it before, I have seen many times...”
“I thought you said this wasn’t about our skating?” Julie interrupted, feigning innocence.
“Is not about skating.” Marina made sure to catch Julie’s eye before continuing. “Is bigger. It is a change of heart.”
Oh, God. She did know. Julie’s mind raced. What to do? Keep hiding, or give in? Was it even any use to hide any longer?
“I know it is difficult for you.” Her coach’s tone was gentle. “You are feeling something new, something different, things are changing, you don’t know what to do. I am right?”
Still avoiding Marina’s eyes, Julie nodded slowly. Was it really so obvious?
“It is a big change, no?” she continued understandingly. “One minute, he is your partner, next minute, is something more... so much more.”
So much more...
There was no doubt about it. Marina knew. She knew everything. Julie was just so tired of hiding. Give a little, a voice inside her urged. Marina already knows... give in. She didn’t reply, but her painful blush gave everything away.
“I... Marina, I don’t know what’s happening to me,” she whispered finally, biting her lower lip. “It’s all so... everything at once... and I never thought...”
“Sometimes we do not think,” Marina soothed, comfortingly placing an arm around her fragile pupil. “Sometimes a thing, it just happens and we must go from there.”
“But where?” Julie asked, looking up at last. “Where do I go from here? All I know is that... that I... what I’m feeling.” She flushed even deeper. “And it’s so hard. What if he doesn’t...”
He does, Marina thought to herself. Ross does love you, you will know. But that was not for her to say. It would all be revealed in time.
“Why you do not talk to him?” she asked instead. “You talk, you tell him this is how you feel, you work together... just like you do on the ice.”
“I couldn’t!” Julie exclaimed. “How could I just tell him... everything? I can’t.”
“Why you cannot?” Marina questioned reasonably. “Every day, you talk, you argue, you laugh together. Why you cannot talk to him about this?”
“Because this is different!” she protested. “It’s not that easy to say something like this.”
“Of course is not easy,” her coach agreed. “But you two, you never do easy. To skate together the way you do, this is easy? To work as a team is always easy? None of this is easy, but you do this, Julianne. Same will be with this. Will not be easy, but you will do it.”
The more she thought about it, the more her coach’s words made sense. She and Ross had been through a lot together... good times and bad. Even when the going got tough, they’d gotten through it by working together. Maybe this would work out that way too. Maybe...
“I hope so,” she said wistfully, looking out at the empty ice surface.
“You will be fine,” Marina assured, smiling down at her. “I know, you are a strong girl, you will work this out, no?”
Julie nodded, trying her best to believe it. “I’ll try,” she whispered, leaning her head against her coach’s shoulder. “I’ll try.”
Three more days left, she reminded herself. I will try. I’m about to hit the finishing stretch...
Tomorrow in Montreal, she’d take her next step.
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