There are some days when you just need to let go, to cry on someone’s shoulder. Today was one of those days for me. I’m lucky that I have someone who’s there for me when I need them like that... those kind of friendships can be so rare. Anyhow, I’m getting off topic... this is supposed to be about us, right?
“Which one was it in?” Ross muttered to himself as he tossed the newest note aside and turned his attention to the other five instead. “It has to be here somewhere... I know it was in one of them.”
He tossed the first note aside, and the second one soon joined it. “We’re more alike than most people would think”... the line his partner had spoken the previous day haunted him. It had to be here, it had to. Not in the third note...
“Ah ha!” He scanned the fourth note quickly and realized he’d found what he’d been looking for.
“We seem different, but I think we're more alike than we give ourselves credit for...” Right there on cream stationary, in the same curly font all the letters were in, the very same thing Julie had said... in different words.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
It couldn’t be.
When you’ve been alone for awhile, you kind of get used to
being lonely. You convince yourself that you don’t need anyone, that
you don’t need to love. But then love takes over, and you realize
that no matter what you’ve been trying to fill your life with, it’s
not enough. Work, friendship, dreams... it’s all nice, but it’s not
enough. It can’t replace love.
His mind raced wildly. He tried to convince himself that he
was jumping to conclusions, but the similarity of the lines kept
telling him otherwise. More alike that most people would think...
more alike than we give ourselves credit for...
Alike when it came to feelings? Alike when it came to
hiding, to not being able to say the words?
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he scolded himself fiercely. He was
just thinking it, just making the connections because it was what he
wanted, what he hoped, what he longed for so badly that he’d
do anything to believe it was true... right?
Now I have love standing right in front of me, staring me in
the face, and I can’t reach out and grab it. I just can’t take that
last step, actually tell you, let it be real. Every day I
think, “It could be real”... but I can’t take that final step. I’m
just so afraid. Afraid of ruining it all. Afraid of losing you.
Ruining it all. Could ‘it’ be their partnership, their
friendship? Or was he just so far gone that he didn’t know how to
stop? And what about the other possibilities... what about Melissa?
What about everything Julie had said, all the times she’d spoken to
him about love. What about yesterday?
It couldn’t be her. She’d been helping him, for God’s
sake! Not a look on her face, not a note in her voice, nothing to
make him think, when he’d shown her the notes, that it was her.
Could it be possible that his partner was that adept at hiding
her feelings? She’d always been good at covering her vulnerable
side...
No way. No how. It just couldn’t be.
Soon, I know it will be time to take that final step. But
writing it out makes it easier, somehow. Whenever I write one of
these, I feel... I don’t know. Like something I’ve been carrying
around all day has finally been set down. Lighter. Just knowing you
know, even if you don’t know who I am... it’s comforting.
It was the sixth note he’d held in his hand, but suddenly,
this one felt different. His hands were shaking as he refolded the
note and carefully put it back in its envelope, and as he stared down
at his name, written across the front, his heartbeat quickened.
Calm down, he tried to warn himself. Don’t let
yourself get too sure... You know it’s not her. You know it.
Then why, when he thought of her as he had for the past six
days, did he suddenly feel a surge of hope?
Did I give away too much? Julie thought to herself as she jogged around Crystal Lake, shivering in the February wind. Could he see... did I let him see? Did I want him to see?
Why were the questions so hard? Why couldn’t she ever find the answers?
She’d been awake half the night, wondering how she’d let herself go the way she had in the music room the previous day. Yes, he was her best friend. Yes, he was the only one she could really talk to about these things. But how could she separate friend from lover?
“Wannabe lover,” she reminded herself with a bitter laugh. Just a dream... nothing more.
She stared out at the frozen lake and pondered her dilemma. It was confusing. On one hand, her closest friend, on the other, the guy she happened to be in love with. Helping him find his Valentine half the time, and the other half the time...
Geez. She really was mixed up.
Julie the Friend had confided her loneliness. Julie the Lover wondered if she’d let herself show. She was beginning to feel like she was several people at once, and she didn’t know how long she’d be able to continue the charade without giving herself away.
Maybe it had been meant to be this way from the start... maybe this was her punishment for trying to hide. Maybe...
She pushed the thoughts aside and kept on jogging.
"Ross? Hey, you... Ross!"
"Wha...?" He snapped out of his thoughts and saw Julie standing there on the ice beside him, arms folded across her chest. Uh oh. What had he just missed?
"You weren't listening to a word I just said, were you?" she asked irritably. "Would you pull your head away from those silly letters and just concentrate for like, five minutes? And furthermore..."
Those silly letters... he tuned out once again as her words sunk in. It's not her, he repeated internally for the umpteenth time that day. See? She thinks they're silly, she'd never do something like that.
But hadn't the letter writer said just that? "I mean, if most people who knew me found out I was doing something like this, they wouldn't believe it..." He snuck a look at his partner. This flashing-eyed girl who stood there ranting at him, writing that? Nah... not in this lifetime.
"...and you haven't been paying any attention whatsoever to the music, and you messed up on..." She trailed off mid-rant to look at him in annoyance. "What are you staring at me like that for?"
"I, um..." He took one look at her expression and decided conclusively that it was in no way the look of a girl in love. "Um... never mind."
"Never mind?" she repeated. "You flip me off all practice and then you say never mind?"
"It's nothing," he said, trying to calm her. “You're right, I just wasn't concentrating. I'm sorry, okay?"
She didn't reply, didn't smile, didn't react at all. She simply turned her back on him and skated away, then circled around and came back.
"Okay?" he repeated cajolingly, trying to catch her eye. She finally looked up and responded to his entreating smile with a half- smile of her own.
"Okay, fine," she relented. "I'll forgive you this time... but for God's sake, Ross, get your butt in gear!"
He laughed. That was his partner back.
His partner...
"Much better!" The exhausted partners managed wan smiles as their coach nodded, pleased. "Much, much better. Now we go home, get some rest, come back tomorrow and make it perfect, yes?"
"'kay, Marina." Julie was already reaching for her skate guards, anxious to get off the ice.
She didn't know what had gotten into her. She'd thought she'd gotten so good at controlling these mood swings, and then all of a sudden she was lashing out at her partner at one minute and smiling at him the next. She had to learn to keep herself in check... she had to stop letting it show...
"Julianne, you will wait a few minutes, yes?" Marina's voice interrupted her thoughts. "I am wanting to speak with you."
"Me, too?" Ross asked, overhearing.
"No, Ross, you go ahead," the coach replied, waving him off.
"Okay..." He looked over at his partner in concern, then shrugged and waved goodbye.
Julie sat down on a bench by the boards and very slowly started to loosen her skates. Oh, God. She was in trouble now. What did Marina want to talk to her about? A lecture about not being patient enough with her partner? A talk about focus? Not only was she making Ross think she was nuts, but now Marina, too?
"Julianne, come, sit over here." Marina patted the spot on the bench beside her.
Julie relunctantly sat. There was silence between coach and student for a long moment.
"I have been watching you for last few practices," Marina began slowly. "And I think, something is different with Julianne. You are not feeling well?"
"No, I'm fine," Julie responded honestly. "I've been feeling fine... nothing's wrong."
"You are sure?" the coach asked worriedly.
"Yeah, perfectly sure." She managed a laugh. "Maybe I've been sleeping a little later than I should be..."
"You have not been yourself lately." She looked down at Julie in concern. "You have been eating properly, yes?"
Julie nodded. "Yeah... same as usual. I'm fine."
"Then maybe it is not something physical." Marina gave her an intent look. "You and Ross, you have been fighting?"
"Oh, no," Julie objected. "We've been getting alone great... today was just... we're fine."
Marina nodded a bit doubtfully. "You are missing him?" she asked, tactfully avoiding her student's ex- boyfriend's name.
Julie knew who she was talking about. "No," she said in a barely audible voice.
Her coach quickly recognized the look on her face.
"It is someone else?" she questioned in a motherly voice. "You are missing someone... waiting for someone?"
She didn't reply, just stared down at her half-unlaced skates.
"Something like that," she whispered at last.
"Ah." Marina nodded understandingly. "Do not worry... all will work out in the end. I have seen, I have been through it, I know you will be fine."
"Yeah," Julie echoed. "I'll be fine... can I go now?"
"Go." Her coach patted her reassuringly on the shoulder. "Go home, do not worry, all will work out."
"I need some sleep," she replied, half to herself, half to Marina. "I'm gonna go home... and sleep."
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