WW II Nazi base found, and it’s on the moon!
   - J.R.M. Staff Writer

 Ever since the end of World War II, there have been rumors of a secret Nazi Base located on the moon.  Now it has come to my attention that there true!
  NASA documents received by this reporter prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they’re up there!  It was the ‘SURVEYOR8’ Spacecraft that on August 2nd, 1970 reached the moon and made its horrifying discovery.  NASA techs worked feverishly to divert the probe in to an orbit around the base.
  The tiny probe remained in lunar orbit in a ‘counter-georotational orbit’ to prevent the Astro-Aryans from discovering it.  For 7 days it did it job, then without warning the godless Nazi’s attacked and destroyed the probe with a V2 rocket!  To this day NASA officials deny the launching of SURVEYOR8, as well as its discovery.
  Recent NASA documents have reveled that there appears to be a massive weapon build up.  Stratofighters, and rockets bound for earth.  “There technology was at least 20 years ahead of the Allied Forces at the end of the war”, claims top-govt. scientist Dr. Larry Fine.  “It was by the will of god that the Axis forces were defeated.  There is no telling how far they have advanced by now!”
  He later told this reporter that it would be a disastrous day for all of mankind if these evil bastards were allowed to continue with there plans.


Blood Drinking Gangers attack Carnival goers in Americas Heartland,  as the band plays on!
  - J.R.M. Staff Writer

  Three Friday nights ago hundreds of families were attending the Flying DeFazio’s Carnival, and having a wonderful time at the lakefront’s 5th annual Freedom Festival.  The Freedom Festival, is held every year to celebrate the downfall of the local Mormon Church.  Who if you remember, just 8 years ago took control of the city as well as over one half the state of Utah declaring their independence from the country and setting themselves up as there own nation.
  “We were having a wonderful time,” said Mrs. Judy Waters, “my son Timmy just won a giant stuffed bunny rabbit bigger than him”.  “I sent my hubby to the pickup to put up the rabbit, and then meet us back at the concession stand by the stage”.  “That was the last time I ever saw him”.   With a local boy turned Country music superstar taking the stage, the night’s festivities were well under way.  “We were all in a party mood when Joe-Bob McKay took the stage, the crowd was going wild, it’s no wonder we could not hear what was starting” Mrs. Waters told this reporter.
  And that’s when everything went awry.  According to several reliable eyewitnesses, a large group of about 25 gangers rushed the main gates and brutally attacked the carnival goers.  “It was like something out of a bad horror movie” an unnamed wittiness said.  Several collaborated reports claim that the mysterious gangers attacked and killed many people.  “My son and I were hiding behind the cotton candy booth I don’t know why but I looked up, but then I saw one of the gangers actually bite a man on the throat”!  Clamed Mrs. Waters.  “It was the most god-awful thing I have ever seen”!
  While I could not get any local authorities to comment on the bloody assault.  This reporter did get to interview a few eye whiteness as well as Dr. Scott Murphy, the emergency room doctor at the Lake View Hospital that evening.
  “We had several people admitted that evening from the attack at the carnival.  Very few with minor injuries, most had severe lacerations to the head, neck, and chest areas,” the doc said.  “The marks were similar to an animal attack, very sharp, very deep, and with much more force than a human’s bite could produce.  All of my patients had suffered from an extreme amount of blood loss.  Stressing are already low supplies of blood, after the fire at the Blood Bank two days earlier.”  Unfortunately out of all my patients that night, none survived more than a few hours.”
  Most of the details of the evening are sketchy but for most accounts over 150 of the local citizens turned up deceased or missing.  If you would like to help the towns folk, please contact the ‘Our Lady of Faith’ church in Salt Lake at 213-555-2020.
 

Zieg Hiel!  Hitler found alive in the jungles of Guyana!
 - A.S.M. Staff Writer

    A man who was touring the beautiful country of Guyana claims to have seen Hitler in a small cafe’ in Georgetown.  This man Tom (a fictions name, he wants to remain anonymous) was eating lunch with his wife when he recognized the leader of the Nazi party.
    “I was eating a chulupa and looked up to ask Peggy (a fictitious name) to pass the hot sauce. There he was, two tables down.  I asked Peg to look at him but she doesn’t know what Hitler looked like anyway. So I asked our tour guide what was up with the Hitler impersonator.  He turned white as a ghost when he saw him.  He became scared and insisted that we had to leave at once. When I asked him why he would only say that he was no impersonator and that he was a bad man.  He said more but I’m not that good with Spanish.”
    At this time it appeared that the Fuhrer had noticed the commotion and he and his party left.  Before he could leave Tom snapped off a few pictures of him.  They left very fast he said.
    After the tour bus loaded up and was about to depart Tom says that a truck load of Nazis pulled up in front of the bus and had the tourist depart the bus for a so called “drug search”.  No drugs were found, but they did confiscate all photographic equipment.
    “They looked just like German soldiers from the 1940’s.  I’m kind of a history buff and I know that those uniforms were real.  They pushed us around and took the film from my camera and destroyed it.  I tried to tell them that what they were doing was illegal and three of the jack booted thugs beat the sh** out of me. I’m never going to Guyana again. God damn Nazis”
    This reporter did some research on the subject and came up with this.  If Adolf Hitler were alive today he would be over 130+ years old! Tom claimed that he looked about 40. He was the Fuhrer of the Third Reich. He was dictator and a genocidal madman, who was responsible for the deaths of almost 1/3 of the Jewish people in Europe.
    A call to a friend of mine living near Georgetown told me several strange tales of the area, including a skinhead training camp at Enmore.  Enmore is less than 50 kilometers distance from Georgetown.  Enmore has quite a local reputation as being haunted or evil. There is no concrete facts to support this however.

Grandpa plows back 40.  And he’s been dead for 20 years!
 - J.R.M. Staff Writer

    A long dead grandfather came to the rescue of his family recently.  The Jones family fell upon hard times when their farm tractor caught fire, and burned.  “I didn’t have no clue what we were a gonna do, with no tractor we could not plant any ‘backer” Cletus Jones said, “we were broke, we even had to sell Peggy Sue are blue ribbon sow”.
    The bank was planing to repossess the 200-acre farm if the family could not pay them, so they had to get the crop planted in time.  But without the tractor they were doomed.  “We tried ta do it by hand” Maybel Jones told us “but 200 acres of ‘backer was just too much, I thought fer sure we’d hav ta move to the metroplex”.
    A few nights ago Cletus awoke and thought he heard his old tractor running.  “When I first woke up I had no idear what was a going on” he told us.  “I first thought it was them bas*erds from the bank repoing my pickup, so I grabbed by rifle and went outside”.  “It was a full moon so I could see pretty good, I went out back to see what the noise were.  And that’s when I saw my O’l Pa-Paw.  He was driving his old 8N and plowing up the field”.  “I could not believe it, it was Pa-Paw” Cletus exclaimed, “It was like a movie or sumtin”!
    “I went up to Pa-Paw and he yelled at me fer slacking.  Then he put me to work”!  Cletus told this reporter that after the plowing and planting was done his grandfather came to the porch to get a glass of buttermilk and to catch up on the family.  “It looks like this will be are best crop yet so hopefully we will be able to buy Peggy Sue back, are oldest son seems to miss her awful much” Maybel told us.


 
Don't forget only 4 more weeks left to enter are
Build a better Chupacabra trap contest!
So send in your plans now!  Are judges will pick the 5 best designs.  Those that have their plans selected will be flown to lovely Tampete Florida for 4 days and 5 nights. 
  They will be staying (most expenses paid), as guests of The Cellar Door as well as the BioMex Corp. at Skyway Bob's Bed and Breakfast, located on the scenic entrance from gulf to the bay.
  Once they have arrived they will have 3 days to work along side a crack BioMex R&D team on building their trap.  From here one winner will be chosen. 
  The traps will be judged on 5 items:
  • Originality
  • Feasibility
  • Style
  • Cost
  • Set up/take down time
  The winner of the contest will recive $5,000 for the rights to the trap as well as a  return flight home on TransContental Air.  The 4 runner ups will recive a $250 gift certificate from the BioMex Gift Shoppe and return Bus fair.

Special Note, anyone catching a live Chupacabra with their trap will automatically win the contest.

Leaping lizards, woman claims to have been assaulted by legendary figure Spring Heeled Jack!
 - A.S.M. Staff Writer

 Lenora Stiles 30, of Tampete Florida, says she was on her way home from a friends house when a man leaped off of a 3 story building and grabbed her. “I started to scream and he sprayed me with this white powdery stuff that made me begin coughing.  His grip was like steel, I thought he was going to tear off my hands.” says Lenora.
 At this time he scooped her off of her feet and jumped back onto the building he came from just moments ago.  “It was a 3 story building.  I was trying to yell for help but the stuff he sprayed me with somehow paralyzed my vocal cords. I punched and kicked but he didn’t feel it.  Then he jumps up, straight up, onto a building, I almost pi**ed on myself.”
 Then that is when his demented intentions came to light.  “He held me up off the ground with one hand.  With the other he ripped off my shirt, (sobbing) and then my pants.  I was powerless to stop him.” He then had his way with her.  Thankfully he did not hurt her.
 While on the roof she had the chance to take a good look at her attacker.  “He was a white guy in his early to mid 20’s, stood almost six feet tall, he was thin, and his skin was pale, I mean very pale like a cadaver.  He wore what looked like a white spandex jumpsuit with a dark cloak wrapped around him.  But what scared me most was his eyes.  They were blank, like no one was home you know.  Living in this neighborhood I’ve been mugged twice before, but this guy was a serious nut case.”
 Police reports obtained support parts of her story, her shirt and pants had been ripped to shreds.  They took a sample of the powder residue left on her face and shirt and have been unable to determine what it is. This is also the second such incident reported to the police in the area.
 We get the name Spring Heeled Jack from an incident that took place in England in the late 1800s.  A man fitting the description from both reports, was thought to have raped over 15 women in that era.  The same M.O. was used by this man that the locals named Spring Heeled Jack for his ability to make unnatural leaps and bounds.

Hail to the King's baby! "I'm caring Elvis ghost's love child".
 -J.R.M. Staff Writer

  Claims 37 year old truck stop waitress Flo Baker.  It all started a few months ago when Flo entered a local radio show contest.  WKKP of Tulsa Oklahoma managed to get a hold of an old unfinished song written by Elvis himself, and the contestants were to finish the song.
  "I have been the president of his fan club for over 20 years, and this was my chance to make my dreams come true".  Flo further explained telling this reporter that first prize was a weekend trip to Graceland.  "The rest of the song seemed to fly from inside me.  I was told that Billy Ray was planning to do the song on his next album".
  After her song was chosen from over 5,000 entries Flo was announced the grand prize winner.  "The guys from the diner even chipped in and collected money so that I could get some new cloths for the trip.  The whole town was enjoying my fortune, it was great" she said.
  It was during her last night at Graceland that the King came to her.  "I was having a couple of bourbons, strumming my o'l guitar and sinning 'our' song, when I heard his voice join me in singing".  "As we continued the song he began to form out of thin air!  When we finished he (the King) was standing in the Billiard room next to me".
  Flo then told me that she had a lengthy conversation, some bourbons, then she (clams to have) had sex with the ghost of the King.  "It was the most beautiful experience of my life, I will never have another man" she says "or look at a pool table the same again".
  Flo recently passed her first trimester and everything appears fine.  The ultrasound reviled it's going to be a boy!  She is currently involved in a paternity law suit against the estate of Elvis.

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