101 Sarcastic Remarks, Mean Insults & Irritating Phrases

Still under construction

Sarcasm is an art. It's one of those little yet big things in life which can only be expressed beautifully when mastered correctly. Though sarcasm may be funny, it may also hurt many people, so use it wisely.

Last week, I decided to collect as many sarcastic and funny remarks as I could, just for the fun of it. So, here's the list! The format of the list is like this:

1. When someone says, "No"...   <--- this is the "situation".
   Yeah, right.        <--- this is your sarcastic response.

Sometimes, there will be "no situation". You should be able to figure out when to use the sentence in italics then.

Without wasting any more time, here's the list:

Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh at you or pity you.
When someone's looking at an object (e.g. his wallet) and laughing...
What, does your wallet tell jokes?
When someone does something extremely fast...
You taking steroids?
When someone says, "I feel so stupid"...
It's okay to feel what you are.
When someone is spelling something aloud...
Are you taking part in a spelling bee?
When someone is counting random numbers aloud...
Playing BINGO?
When someone says, "Hey, you wanna hear a joke?"...
It's okay, you're a joke all by yourself.
Looks like I overestimated the number of your brain cells.
When someone says, "I feel so stupid" or something similar...
That's an understatement.
When someone says, "I'm so short!"...

No, you're *quite* tall.
Cheer up! You're still taller than my sausage dog!
Let's say you're looking at a picture on a book, and someone asks, "What's that?!"...
A book. Duh!
When someone asks, "Why don't you talk to me??"...

You're not worth talking to.
Talking to you doesn't bring any benefits.
When someone tells you, "John is so ugly!"...
Gee, you remind me of him.
When someone says, "I've a pretty sister."...
Whatever happened to the brother / sister?
When someone says, "Hey, do you know that (blah) (blah) (blah)"...
Alert the media!
When someone says, "Oh, no! I've a pimple! What should I do about it?!"
I've bigger things on my mind to think about than your puny pimple, you know.
When someone says, "Don't tell me you're gonna tell me your parents" or something similar...
I do have a life too, you know.
Someone has a weird or funny name...
Gee, your parents certainly have a weird sense of humour.
When someone says, "I don't know how to do this."...
Ah, I'm not surprised.
When someone asks, "What's happening?!"...
With your IQ, I don't think you can understand.
You're so dumb your IQ and shoe size are the same.
You're so ugly your parents initially wanted to name you Rover.
Your B.O. is so bad you're classified as a potential biological weapon.
When someone delays something...
- That will be the time when [name] stops doing [something he always does] (e.g. That'll be the day when Jack's feet finally smell nice)
You mean you don't know I've a dog?! Didn't you look in the mirror?!?! *give a shocked look*
Hey, what a coincidence! You've the same name as my dog!
Look at someone's eyes, give a surprised look and exclaim, "The eyes... they look like Aunt Camille's (for males) / Uncle Edgar's (for females)!"
Let's say Dr. John is a victim of manslaughter. Then, someone comes up to you and exclaims surprisingly, "What?! Dr. John got murdered?!?"
No, suicide.
Jack is so funny that he's making everyone laugh AT him, not with him.
Other than being disgusting, irritating, stupid, smelly, [name all the bad stuff you can think of], etc., etc... you're actually quite okay.
When someone asks, "Hey, should I submit this joke to the magazine?"...
Well, you never know. Some low-class species with the same viewpoint as the author might find it funny.
When someone asks, "Do you think this dress is nice?"...
To say that it's nice would be a terrible lie.
You've so many pimples that you remind me of the craters of the moon.
You know why guys / girls don't like you? Look at yourself first.
When someone asks, "Hey, are you gonna mow the lawn now?" when you obviously are going to mow the lawn...

No *expressed sarcastically*, I'm gonna do it next year.
Then?! Wait for the Winter Olympics??
No, I'm going to take a shower. Duh!
When someone is doing something (e.g. typing)...
Are you sure you can type?
When someone is hogging the stairs...
Hey, does your grandfather own the stairs?!
When someone expresses frustatedly, "I'm so stupid!"...

Being honest is a good thing.
It's always good to be honest.
When someone says, "I feel so stupid"...
We know.
When someone plays a practical joke on someone else...
How could you do that?! You could hurt him, you know! Don't you know how bad it could've got?! [continue with all the serious remarks you can think about until he feels terribly guilty]
When someone insults someone else (esp. someone who's disabled)...
How would you know anything about him? Maybe when he was young, his mother died, and his dad married a terrible stepmother. Maybe when he was nine years old, he was knocked down by a lorry, and he ended up in a coma at the hospital. Probably his father had to work long hours day and night just to keep him alive. Maybe when he woke up finally, he wasn't ever the same again. [continue with all the pitiful things you can think about until the person you're talking to feels extremely guilty...]
Ask someone who can't drive, "Hey, are you free on Saturday? Can you send me to [some place]??" Then, before he gets the chance to reply, you say, "Oh, so sorry, I forgot... you *CAN'T* drive."
When you tell someone "I'm 19.", and after thinking for a while, he replies, "So, I guess that you're born in 19xx?"... Gee, they do teach you stuff at Taylor's. [replace "Taylor's" with the educational institution your victim is in]
You look like my grandma's grandmother!
When someone keeps referring to someone else as "the guy" or "the girl" or "my friend"...
Hey, doesn't he / she has a name? Even animals have names nowadays!
When someone insults you sarcastically and asks you, "Was that remark sarcastic or what?!"...
No, it's a downright lame insult.
When your younger sibling says "My Maths is getting better" or something similar...
Looks like the skills I've passed down to you have paid off after all.
Gee, the dress she's wearing sure looks nice... but NOT on her.
When someone asks, "Why can't I do this?"...

Maybe it's inheritance.
Maybe it's in your genes.
When someone says, "Hey, let me tell you a joke"...
HA HA HA HA HA! VERY FUNNY!

Right now, you might be asking, "Where in the world are numbers 51-101?" Well, sorry, but I can't think of any more sarcastic remarks, mean insults and irritating phrases.

If you have any you would like to add, please mail me. Don't worry, credit will be given to all contributors! I'll continue to update this page often.

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