NUMBER ONE AND NUMBER TWO
The age-old battle of scribes has finally come to a somewhat sad end. The No. 1 lead pencil has succumbed to its softer, and more popular rival, No. 2. No. 1 will be phased out over a period of 18 months with most employees taking an early retirement package consisting of one lump payment plus a dozen or so of the cherry-flavored erasers that once adorned a failed promotion of the old No. 1 utensil.
While the fight for dominance was a bitter one, it seems that the two will meet again . . . only this time in the courtroom. Attorneys for each company have filed suits and countersuits. It seems that once the decision was made for No. 1 to call it quits, No. 2 printed signs and placed ads in local papers stating, Were number one!! Were number one!! No. 1 attorneys are claiming that No. 2 is illegally using the tradename of No. 1. No. 2 counters with, We cant say were number two, because that would be misleading and deceptive.
To further complicate things, the ACR (Association for Clean Restrooms) has entered the legal fray contending that No. 1 and No. 2 both existed eons before the thought of a lead pencil ever came into being. The ACR has decided to sue both companies for infringing on the terminologies. Just because No. 1 is liquidating doesnt mean they dont have cash . . . and No. 2 has always been a pain in the rear. Were going after both of them with a vengeance, stated legal counsel for ACR. Anyway, we need the money to buy some more of those little white smelly tablet thingies for the urinals. The court date has been set for May 1998. Legal analysts are divided on the projected winners of these cases. While No. 2 has the capital to outlast its rivals in what is expected to be a lengthy litigation, I just cant imagine No. 2 coming out smelling like a rose, said an unidentified attorney.