| "…But, did
you ever make her cry?" I asked. This one question turned
the tone of the interview from sublime to serious.
He looked at me, sitting opposite him. He admitted it. "Yes. I did, once." Then he considered some more, "she seems to cry every day, over happiness and love. And, I guess I cause much of that for her. She’s very emotional. But…" "But one time, you made her cry, and it wasn’t for joy," I ventured. "Yes," he confirmed. "What happened?" This was very bold of me. "She apologized for crying," he answered, ignoring me, apparently. "I was so repentant, that I got tears in my own eyes. When she saw that I was upset, she got upset, too. With herself. She told me she was so sorry for making me cry." He shook his head, as he remembered it. "I apologized profusely, of course, but she insisted there was nothing to be sorry for." He looked at me, with puzzlement on his face. "…And yet, she was crying! Crying like she never cried before that day, or since, either." I was getting a look of concern on my face. I know his fiancée a little. And she is a tender soul. "You broke her heart?" I wondered. After quite a long pause, he answered, "the only person who can truly hurt you, is the one you love. She loves me, and I hurt her. I broke my own heart, when I..." He couldn’t bring himself to confess his sin. But, that is understandable. I wouldn’t either, in his position. He has quite a reputation of being secretive about his private life. His evasion techniques are fine-tuned. What he had already shared was very personal. More than any interviewer of his could hope for. But, I could tell that he felt he needed to confess what was, probably in his mind, his greatest failure. His fiancée had not punished him for his sin. She only loves him. Perhaps he thinks if he confesses to me and my readers, the bad press will fulfill his penance. I can see his point, actually. About needing to do penance. If I had a bride-to-be who was the kind of woman who could have her heart broken, and not only still love me, but apologize for causing my heart pain, even though it had been entirely my fault… I would never ever want to be so thoughtless, again! I’d do everything in my power to be as gentle with her heart, as I could. Protect and heal it, not hurt it. She’d be someone who was way too good to me. And to hurt someone who loved me so perfectly like that, would seem like the Unforgivable Sin. My interviewing skills had left me. I just nodded. "I’d have a hard time forgiving myself," I was empathizing instead. He chuckled a little, in resignation. "Lily’s going to read this, and she’s going to know that I haven’t forgiven myself, and that’s going to make her sad. Because, I still have pain over it. And when I hurt, she hurts… And it hurts me, to know that I’m hurting her!" He let out a sound of frustration. "Lily has forgiven you, Rick," was all I could offer. "She loves me too much. I don’t deserve it. How she puts up with me, I’ll never understand. How can she love so much? And why me, especially after how I treated her?" He was at a loss. "How did this ever happen to me?" Now Rick was asking the questions. I was wishing that I was a television interviewer, instead. To capture the look on his face, and the sound of his voice… This was absolutely amazing, and something that could never be adequately captured in mere text. "Don’t ask why. Just be grateful," I advised. "You want to make Lily happy, right?" "Of course! I’d dedicate my life to it, if I only knew how," Rick answered. "To forgive yourself would make her happy," I pointed out. "I know what, I just don’t know how," Rick explained. He sighed. I must admit, I didn’t know what to say, to help him. "But, I’m motivated to find a way," he added. I had a flash of inspiration. "If I were to do something equally as awful to Lily, could you ever forgive me?" I asked. He didn’t answer. He just furrowed his brow. "O.K., what if Lily did something to herself, that was as hurtful as what you did to her?" At this, Rick raised his eyebrows. He’d never considered this, I guess. It took a long time for him to answer. "I’d have to forgive her. She’s a human being, as far as I can tell. Although, sometimes I wonder… If she ever made a mistake, yes, I’d have to forgive her!" "Why?" I asked because he needed to know why. "Because, she wouldn’t have done it on purpose!" Rick seemed kind of taken aback, by my question. "She loves me, and she doesn’t want to hurt me. It would be an accident. And well, because I love her." I nodded. "And that’s why she forgave you, right?" "I guess so. She must have thought I didn’t do it on purpose. And, she knows I love her," Rick said. "But, if I had only taken one moment to think, before I said it! To consider how she would react. That’s the most important thing! But, I’m such a blockhead... I’ve learned my lesson! What she thinks is the only thing that matters to me, any more. I was concerned about other things, what other people thought and had to say, and I was so cavalier with her poor heart. I abused her, most horribly. Never again." He paused. "I’m sorry, Lily," he said, into the tape recorder. Rick still hadn’t grasped the conclusion I was trying to bring him to. "You’d forgive Lily for hurting herself. I'm sure you’d forgive her for ever hurting you. So, what makes you so special? Why would you hold yourself to a higher standard than you hold Lily? Are you better than she is? Should we expect more from you, than from her?" I was really letting him have it. "My God! No! There is no way that I could ever think that I was better than her. Lily is… perfect." I smiled. It was wonderful to see-- almost experience, this kind of love. Even though it was just a second hand story about it. I could see it in him, and imagine the rest. I was so jealous. Rick ended with, "me, on the other hand…" I tried one last thing. "What if Lily couldn’t forgive herself for failing you?" Tears jumped to Rick’s eyes, at this. His mouth was open, as if his breath had been taken. "That would be unacceptable," he whispered, head down. I saw a tear fall. This man sure was gone. Hopelessly in love. I had to work hard to keep myself from grinning at him. He was crying. A man crying is a serious thing. Just then, Rick’s handler came in, to inform us that my time was up. Rick rubbed his eyes, making like his eyes were tired, or something. Getting a hold of himself. He stood up, as did I. He reached out his hand, to shake mine. As he did, he looked me in the eye, and said, "thank you very much." Then he smiled at me. "No problem," I replied. "Thank you." Then, Rick laughed. "What are you laughing about?" I asked, ignoring the handler’s attempts to usher me out. "Because. Lily still loves me. And because, I know how to make her happy." |
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"The Lament," by Sir
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