EVIL DEAD IV: BOOK OF THE DEAD by Matthew Kadish FADE IN: It is a dark night. Dark purple clouds are creeping across a crimson moon that’s plastered against the charcoal sky. Somewhere, a wolf cries out. VOICE Darkness. Always so very dark. There’s never any light...not any more. Something just seems to have covered up the sun... The wolf cries out again. VOICE No, I take that back. It’s the Earth that’s been covered up. Its as if something threw a shroud over the Earth. A funeral shroud. The wolf’s sleek figure is poised on a Cliffside, silhouetted by the bloody moon. It howls again. Then, out of the darkness, a large, inhuman shadow emerges tackling the beast. The animal’s howl turns to a shriek. VOICE The light never shines here. EXT. -- A CITY -- DAY Large buildings stretch into the sky, the sun glints off the windows as a bright yellow sun reigns above, showering the daily commuters with a brilliance of light. VOICE It wasn’t always dark, though. We once lived under the sun. People are bustling about the city, going about their business. Some are sitting in the park feeding the pigeons, some are drinking coffee and engaging in heated conversations at outdoor restaurants, and others are just now entering the ranks of the rat race. Life in the city is abundant. VOICE But that all changed, one day...five long years ago. Then, out of no where, from the top of the tallest building in the city, a flash of blue lightning strikes out against the air, and shoots out into the sky. Down below, startled onlookers glare upwards. Suddenly, a dark cloud begins to appear at the top of the building, creeping out away from its vortex like a spreading cancer, blocking out the sun. The spectators look on with fearful curiosity as the darkness plows on above them, and for the first time, for one brief moment, the entire city is completely silent. VOICE The last time, anyone would ever see the light of day again. CRASH! Lightning streaks from the black cloud, racing downward, striking the ground with tremendous force, cracking the crust of the earth with apocalyptic fury. The power of the bolts send helpless victims that were standing to close to point of impact flying about like rag dolls. VOICE Then, without warning, without explanation...it struck. THE EVIL FORCE shoots out from within the building where it all started, consuming all living things within its reach. VOICE It was a dark, shapeless thing...without mercy...without a soul. A vile thing that seemed to thrive in the dark, and feed on the terror of those around it. People are running from the Evil Force, but to no avail. It catches up to all of them. VOICE In the dark, in the night, it consumed...everything. EXT. -- THE CITY -- DARKNESS The buildings, once strong and tall, are now decaying. No more light shines. No more people are around to feed the birds in the park, or to drink coffee. There wasn’t even a rat around to have a race named after it. VOICE No light. Darkness engulfs the city. VOICE No life. The streets are littered with the bodies of those who once roamed them. VOICE Nothing but decay... Parts of rotted buildings fall to the ground, crumbling. VOICE Nothing but evil...and the dead. The bodies spring up, bloody, and broken. Their once human faces distorted and twisted by the evil that has engulfed them. VOICE No light. No life. But that’s all going to change. It has to change... ACT ONE EXT. WOODS -- NIGHT -- 5 YEARS EARLIER The Evil Force is quickly moving through the woods at a rapid pace. Then, suddenly emerges from the forest into the parking lot in front of a S-Mart shopping center. CUT TO INT. S-MART The large store is stocked with rows and rows of nothing but undersold retail. It’s large fluorescent lights and thewhite linolium that covers the floor gives the store a sterile quality. MR. VAN ALAN, a middle aged man with a slightly large gut is walking down the isles of S-Mart, following the sound of laughter as it emanates through the store. Van Alan approaches the customer service desk. The laughter is coming from ASH, a man in is mid-twenties in a S-Mart employee’s uniform. Ash is sitting at the customer service desk watching the Three Stooges on a small, portable black and white T.V., he is laughing furiously at the trio as his boss approaches from behind. VAN ALAN ASH!!!! Startled, Ash falls out of his chair, but quickly stands up to face his boss. ASH Mr Van Allan! I was just-- VAN ALAN Shut up! ASH Yes sir. VAN ALAN Look at yourself! You're a mess! Tuck in that shirt, straighten out that tie, slick back that hair, suck in that gut, and for God’s sake, man, stand up straight! Ash quickly complies with his boss's demands. VAN ALAN Now, Ash, would you kindly explain what it is you think you're doing? ASH I was taking my break, sir. VAN ALAN Your break, should have ended fifteen minutes ago! ASH Well, sir, you see... VAN ALAN ASH! Where is your name tag? ASH My...name tag? Well, it was here... VAN ALAN Save it! I've had just about enough of your slacking on the job, mister! I catch you doing it again, and you're fired! You hear me Ash? Gone! Canned! Outta here! ASH Yes sir. The manager hands Ash a clipboard with some papers on it, and a pencil. VAN ALAN Now, I have to use the can. While I'm in there, I want you to start taking a stock count of the store, the WHOLE store, you hear me? I want you to count every single piece of retail we have in here. I expect you to have isles A through C done by the time I get out. Think you can handle that, genius boy? Van Alan shoves the clipboard into Ash’s hands. ASH Yes sir. VAN ALAN Fine. Now get to it! ASH Yes, sir, right away... VAN ALAN Moron... Van Allan begins to walk away to the restroom while Ash begins his count. ASH Ass hole. CUT TO INT. EMPLOYEE RESTROOM The restroom is grimy. Occasionally, the room is plunged into darkness with the flickering of a neon light as it drifts in and out of life. There is an incessant drip-drip- dripping coming from a soap stained sink in the corner. Van Alan walks in and enters a stall. He locks the door and sits down. CUT TO EXT. S-MART PARKING LOT The Evil Force begins to move out of the woods, towards the parking lot. Then, right before the it reaches the asphalt, it makes a sharp turn and speeds through a nearby sewer drain, descending into the murky depths of the sewer. CUT TO INT. SEWER The Evil begins to move through the sewer at an incredible rate, making abrupt twists and turns as it navigates through the dank tunnels... The Force banks into some pipes and races through them faster, and faster, until finally-- CUT TO INT. RESTROOM It shoots up through the toilet. VAN SCOY Whoa! CUT TO INT. S-MART Ash is walking through the isles of the store, taking a stock count of the shelves, and muttering some bad things about Van Alan under his breath as he carries on with his work. He begins to count a hardware isle filled with knives, cheese grates, scissors, and other sharp objects. As Ash walks down the isle, the knives and other objects rip out of their cardboard casings and float in mid-air. The objects turn and start to follow him. Ash stops for a moment and turns around, but before he sees anything all the deadly hardware snaps back into place in the blink of an eye, leaving only a quick “clanging” sound in their wake. Ash looks around curiously, but the isle looks normal. Uneasily, Ash goes back to his counts. Once his back is turned, the objects once again remove themselves from their packages and begin to sneak up behind him, the following getting bigger and bigger the further down the isle Ash goes. Suddenly, Ash stops and looks questioningly at his stock sheet. The objects quickly snap back into their places as he turns around and walks back to some screwdrivers and begins to recount them. Then, on the shelf directly behind him, an ambitious hammer lifts itself up and and begins to creep up behind Ash... The hammer raises itself above his head, ready to strike... Ash, done with his count, abruptly turns and begins to walk away just as the hammer swings down, whipping by Ash’s head and hitting the floor with a loud crash. Ash spins around, startled. He sees the hammer, embedded in the floor and quickly gives a suspicious look around. Then, very calmly, Ash turns and slowly begins to walk to the end of the isle, no longer bothering with the count. The objects resume their stalking... Ash rounds the corner of the isle, the evil hardware still trailing behind. Then, before the objects reach the end, Ash jumps back into sight, catching them in the act. Ash glares at them triumphantly. ASH Ah, ha! But Ash's short moment of satisfaction about getting the drop on the items is short lived as he realizes that there are a bunch of very sharp, pointy objects hovering in the air and pointed right at him! Quickly, Ash turns around and runs as the objects begin to chase him. He is able to artfully dodge a few stray knives, but the majority still follow. He ducks around another isle and successfully looses some of the perusing objects, which embed themselves into a nearby wall. ASH Christ! I’m being attacked by retail! Some of the objects round the corner, picking up speed as they continue to chase Ash, who’s frantically running through the grocery department, picking up packs of meat and throwing it at the objects, some of which stick into the meat and fall to the ground. Not watching where he is going, Ash slams into a shelf, knocking himself to the ground. He clamors to his feet, but its too late, some knives have just found him. ASH Uh, oh! The shards of metal dart toward him, ripping into his clothes forming a perfect outline of his body as they pin him to the shelf. Ash struggles to get free. Suddenly, he spots an ax as it rounds the corner isle. It hesitates, staring at him for a moment. Ash’s eyes grow wide as they meet its glance... The ax starts to race right for Ash! Ash frantically struggles to get free-- The ax gets nearer... ...nearer... Then, Ash, using all his might, thrust himself forward-- ASH HEE-YA! The shelf he's pinned to tips over onto the floor on top of him just as the ax flies by, nicking the back of the shelf and lodging itself into the wall behind it. The shelf stirs as Ash crawls out from underneath it. Unsteadily, he gets to his feet, brushing himself off. Then, an evil cackle echoes throughout the store. Ash starts looking around nervously. ASH Damn! It's back. An ungodly voice booms throughout the store. EVIL VOICE Join us. Loud, evil sounds surround Ash, causing him to cover his ears. Ash looks around... ASH Need a weapon... Ash spots the ax in the wall. He quickly locks his hand onto it, and with a grunt, dislodges it as another cackle sounds, mocking him. Ash brandishes the ax, gripping it like a baseball player with two strikes against him ASH Come on you pansies! Show me what you got! INT. S-MART -- LAWN CARE Two riding lawn mowers shutter as if a wave passed through them all at the same time. Then, they begin to shake violently, and all at once come roaring to life. They tear off their platforms and begin to race through the store like rabid Doberman pinchers. The floor beneath Ash begins to tremble as he hears the roar of revving engines. ASH What the--? In a nearby dairy freezer, the egg cartons open their jaws and begin to spit at Ash, pelting him with their contents. Ash quickly does an about-face from the demonic groceries and runs deeper into the store. ASH Grah! Uh, yuck! Now in the safety of a different isle, Ash bends over and grabs his knees, taking a moment to catch his breath and wipe off the drippy goo of egg yolks. Suddenly, a blinding light fills the isle. Ash looks down the isle, startled, and is greeted by the evil glare of John Deere headlights. Ash lifts his hand up to block the light and looks at the lawnmower that’s staring him down. Then he grips his ax with both hands, ready for whatever may come... The lawnmower shutters, rumbling its challenge... Ash brings his ax to ready... With that, the vehicle’s engine lets out a mechanical roar. Its wheels spin in place for a moment, vomiting smoke as it tears forward, leaving the stench of scorched rubber in its wake. It charges towards Ash... closer... closer... Then, Ash hurls the ax, lodging it into the lawnmower’s hood. The machine’s brakes screech against its tires as it tries to stop, swerving uncontrollably forward. Ash leaps in the air, grabbing the isle inventory sign and doing a quick pull-up just as the lawnmower races underneath him, crashing into the shelves of the isle. Ash drops to the ground and looks at the wrecked machine. ASH Ha! Missed! Then, the other lawnmower tears through the shelf directly behind Ash, hitting him onto its hood. Ash hangs on for dear life as the lawnmower races throughout the store, swerving to and fro. Ash frantically scrambles into its seat as the machine crashes through another shelf, strewing school supplies all over. Once in the seat, Ash slams his foot down on the break. The lawnmower whines in protest and begins to buck up and down like a wild stallion. ASH Whoa, boy! Whoa! Ash rides the evil vehicle like a cowboy in a rodeo, with one hand in the air and the other latched onto the wheel with his legs flailing wildly over the machine. Then, in a sudden moment of inspiration, Ash grabs the ignition keys and shuts the lawnmower off. With a final buck, Ash is catapulted off the machine just before it dies. INT. S-MART -- SPORTING GOODS Ash is thrown into a shelf that contains various sporting equipment causing an avalanche of hard and heavy balls and bats to fall on his head, knocking him senseless as he collapses to the floor, half conscious, where, he is greeted by the feet of his boss. ASH Mr. Van Alan...Mr. Van Alan, we need to get out of here... Suddenly, a hand whips down and digs into Ash’s face, pulling him to his feet by his nostrils. ASH Gnah! Hey--! Then, somewhat to Ash’s displeasure, he sees that Van Alan has now joined the ranks of the EVIL DEAD. VAN ALAN I'll swallow your soul! ASH Does this mean I’m fired? Van Alan hurls Ash back into the sporting goods shelf. Recovering quickly, Ash grabs a nearby baseball bat and jumps to his feet, ready to take Van Alan on, but finds his evil boss has disappeared. For a moment, the store is silent. Ash’s eyes flick around wildly, looking for some sign, any sign of assault. Then, the silence is broken by a mechanical roaring sound. He looks left-- nothing... he looks right-- nothing... The roaring gets louder. Then, slowly, Ash looks up... Van Alan is hovering above him, holding what must be the biggest fucking chainsaw ever seen! ASH Shit! Ash ducks just as Van Alan swings its deadly blade downward, missing him by an inch. Ash begins to run, Van Alan chasing him from behind with a vengeance, cutting down anything in his way. VAN ALAN You lazy, no good, sloppy, rude, ugly, little jack-ass! ASH Who you calling ugly, muther-hugger! Ash swings his bat at Van Alan, who cuts off its top with the chainsaw. Van Allan swings at Ash and misses. Ash is barely able to dodge the deadly blade of the chainsaw. He begins to take swings at the zombie with what’s left of his bat, but isn’t very successful either. VAN ALAN Hold still you! ASH Bite me, cracker head! Ash swings the bat upwards, knocking the chainsaw into the air out of Van Alan’s hand, and Van Alan to the ground. Then, with a running leap, Ash grabs the chainsaw in mid-air and lands on top of Van Alan, pinning his shoulders to the ground with his knees. ASH Stock this! Ash jams the chainsaw into Van Alan. The deadite screams as the chainsaw blade rips into his flesh, tearing him apart. Ash strikes-- ...again... ...and again... blood spews everywhere, splashing on the walls, on the shelves, drenching their contents. Ash laughs with tenacity of a man mad with joy. INT. S-MART -- VARIOUS PARTS OF THE STORE The entire store starts coming to life. Little toy monsters and action figures rip open their packages, hopping out-- Power tools begin to turn on by themselves-- Shopping carts start to move of their own accord. The store is quickly becoming a deathtrap... INT. S-MART -- ASH Ash gives the chainsaw a final thrust, and then stands up, covered in blood. He looks down at the messy, gooey pulp that used to be his boss. ASH Good God, I just butchered my boss with a chainsaw... (he thinks about it) All right! Suddenly, an army of shopping carts race in from all around ramming into Ash, herding him to the middle of the store. Ash tries to fight off the carts with the chainsaw, cutting at their metal with it, but then everything else in the store starts attacking him. Ash fights frantically for dear life as an onslaught of retail attacks him. Then... A TIME VORTEX opens right by Ash, its strong winds invading the store. GOAKIE, a young man, about college age emerges. He hits the ground whipping out a shotgun and a semiautomatic handgun and opening fire, giving Ash some much needed relief. ASH Who the hell are you? GOAKIE Name's Goakie. I've come here to save you... ASH Thanks, but I can handle myself! Ash slices through a possessed lawn chair. GOAKIE No time to talk, I need you to come with me! ASH Need me? For what? GOAKIE There’s no time to explain...we have to get out of here...NOW! Goakie blows a hole through a demonic toaster. ASH How? All the exits are blocked! GOAKIE We’ve got to go back through the vortex! ASH What! Oh no, I'm not going back into one of those things again! You couldn't drag me into-- Suddenly, Ash is rammed hard by a shopping cart and thrust into the vortex. ASH Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! GOAKIE Hey! Goakie quickly follows Ash and leaps into the vortex. CUT TO INT. A RUINED CITY A flash of light briefly illuminates a dark sky as Ash and Goakie emerge from the vortex. Ash hits the ground with a thud as Goakie tucks and rolls, hopping to his feet unharmed. Ash starts to get up, but suddenly, the chainsaw falls from the vortex, hitting Ash on the head. ASH OW! Son of a-- Goakie approaches Ash and helps him up. GOAKIE You okay? ASH Yea, yea... Ash looks around, suddenly realizing his surroundings. ASH What the hell... The two men are on the outskirts of an abandoned metropolitan city. The buildings look old, rotted, and decayed, some are only half standing. A blood red moon is plastered on a dark black sky. Occasionally, there are flashes of lightning. The ground is barren, made up of cracked, dried earth. There is an old, dusty Ford pick-up truck nearby. ASH Where are we? GOAKIE Welcome to the future. Goakie starts to move towards the truck but Ash grabs him. ASH What? What are you talking about? GOAKIE All will be explained...I’m sorry, what’s your name? ASH Name’s Ash. GOAKIE It’ll all be explained to you Ash...later. Right now, we have to get back, it's not safe here. ASH Get back where? What's happening? GOAKIE Look, we don't have time for this! We must be getting back to-- ASH Hey pal, I ain't going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on... Suddenly, a foul gust of wind blows by as a series of evil grumbles are heard. THE EVIL FORCE appears from down the street and starts heading straight for Ash and Goakie! ASH Oh, no! GOAKIE Quick, to the truck! Ash grabs the chainsaw clamors into the truck with Goakie. Goakie takes out his keys and shoves them into the ignition socket, but is greeted by a series of chokes and stutters when he turns it. The evil presence gets closer... ASH Hurry up! It's coming! GOAKIE I'm trying, I'm trying! ...closer... ASH Would it help if I got out and pushed? GOAKIE It might! ...almost to the truck... Ash looks out the rear windshield and sees the approaching doom. He begins to scream. GOAKIE Come on, come on... With a jerk, the engine grumbles to life, finally turning over. GOAKIE Yes! As the Evil Force rushes up to the truck, the rusty old car begins to move forward just as the Evil Force is about to catch up with it, barely staying ahead of the persueing evil. ASH Where are we going? GOAKIE Somewhere safe! Goakie shifts the truck into four wheel drive as they leave the city and hits a dirt road that leads to a forest of dead trees standing in the distance. The evil force draws nearer to the truck. ASH It's gaining! GOAKIE Almost there... The evil gets closer. Ash, thinking quick, grabs Goakie's shotgun and leans out the window. Ash begins to blast away at the pursuing force, which is slowed down a bit by the gunfire. The forest, rushes up toward the truck. ASH We'll never make it! GOAKIE Almost there! Hold on! The truck flies into the woods. The evil slows down and stops at the edge of the decayed thicket, watching as the truck races deep into the forest. ASH It...it stopped! Ash climbs back into the truck. ASH It just stopped... GOAKIE I told you we'd make it. Ash settles back in his seat for a moment, still in disbelief that they got away. ASH Where are we going? GOAKIE To a safe haven, where nothing can hurt us. ASH Sounds good. What is it? GOAKIE Sit back and relax. We'll be there soon. Ash leans back looking out the window as they drive deeper into the woods, passing over a makeshift bridge suspended over a very, very large canyon. CUT TO EXT. CABIN An old, weathered log cabin lies in a cluster of dead trees. A light mist clings to the air, but is broken in places by small electric lights mounted out in the yard. There’s a small garden to the side, out by a workshed. The truck drives up to the cabin, the car’s headlights illuminating its frame. Ash’s eyes open wide as he realizes where he is. Before the truck even stops, Ash hops out and stumbles up to the cabin in disbelief. Then, in his mind, the face of the cabin contorts, the wood gnarling into an evil gargoylish face and begins to laugh at Ash. CABIN Welcome back... Ash begins to scream, running from the cabin in terror. GOAKIE Hey! Hey, what's wrong? Ash continues to run away, screaming. Goakie starts to chase after him. GOAKIE Ash, wait! Goakie calls to the cabin. GOAKIE Hey, guys! Help! The cabin door opens and FOUR PEOPLE, two men and two women, emerge from the cabin. The two women are MABLE and CARRIE, both of whom are relatively young and pretty. One of the men is much older than the other and sports a long white beard, this is LOUIS, the other one is HAROLD. LOUIS What’s going on? GOAKIE Hurry! He’s getting away! With that, Harold and Lois spring off after Ash, leaving the girls behind. Ash is sprinting through the woods screaming, but Goakie is quickly closing the distance between them. Then, Goakie tackles Ash, pinning him to the ground. Ash struggles, but the others catch up and help restrain him. ASH No! NO! GOAKIE Ash, it's okay! ASH No! Anywhere but there! Goakie and the others grab Ash, and drag him back to the cabin, kicking and screaming. CUT TO INT. CABIN Goakie, Louis, and Harold carry a furiously struggling Ash back inside the house. ASH NO! No, you don't understand! It's evil! Evil I tell ya! GOAKIE Settle down! Suddenly, a gush of water comes out of nowhere and soaks Ash, shocking him back to calmness. SARAH MAY is standing nearby, holding an empty water pail. She’s not very attractive, a bit portly, and younger than Louis, though not by much. An air of authority hovers about her. Her voice has a southern twang to it. SARAH MAY Quit with all the racket! I is tryin’ to fix supper! GOAKIE Ash, listen to me. You're safe now. ASH I am? Are you out of your mind peewee! Do you know where you’ve brought me? Sarah May gives Ash a funny look. SARAH MAY You know this place? ASH You're damn right I know this place! It ruined my life! LOUIS Then you must remember that this is where you defeated the evil. ASH What? LOUIS You defeated the evil itself here. Don't you remember? The residents of the cabin gaze at Ash for a moment expectantly. He looks around uncomfortably. ASH Uh...yea, of course I remember. I whumped its ass. LOUIS That is why it cannot hurt you here. It will not come near the cabin because it was here that it was defeated, by you...the promised one. ASH Oh, no. No, I am not getting back into that again... LOUIS I beg your pardon? ASH Beg all you want gramps, but I’m not the promised one. A groan ripples through everyone. CARRIE Goakie, you moron! You got the wrong guy! GOAKIE How the hell do you know he’s the wrong guy? CARRIE Well, look at him! GAOKIE So... HARROLD She’s got a point... GOAKIE You stay out of this! Goakie, Carrie, and Harold get into a heated argument, each one trying to shout over the other. Ash looks at them fight, but slowly, his gaze shifts to Mable, standing behind the quarreling bunch. His eyes meet hers... Then, a voice louder than the group’s combined pierces the air, cutting through the argument. SARAH MAY Shut up! Silence falls instantly. Sarah May goes to a nearby desk and picks up some old, torn pieces of parchment paper. She approaches Ash and holds the paper before her, eyes glancing back and forth from Ash’s face to the paper. Then, suddenly, Ash shivers. ASH Whoa... Sarah May glares at Ash over the paper, and then turns to the others. SARAH MAY Its him. CARRIE How can you be-- Sarah May throws Carrie a rough look. SARAH MAY It’s him. Carrie goes instantly quiet as Sarah May returns to the desk, plopping down the pages, the top one containing a faded picture of Ash. ASH Look, I know what you people want, and I'll have no part in it. You want to fight this thing, fine, but fight it without me. I just want to go back home. LOUIS But you have to stay! ASH No way pélé. I have a life, one that I'm eager to get back to. So just send me back now. LOUIS But, promised one, I'm afraid it's not that easy... ASH Why not? SARAH MAY Because if you go back now, you’ll die. ASH What? LOUIS Come, promised one, I think it is time you heard the whole story... The others silently walk into the kitchen, leaving Ash alone. CUT TO INT. CABIN -- KITCHEN Everyone is sitting around the kitchen table preparing to eat dinner. Sarah May is sitting at the head of the table with Louis by her side. Goakie is sitting next to Ash, who is at the opposite end of the table. Mable is serving everyone meager portions of vegetables. MABLE I’m sorry we don’t have more, but its hard to grow food without the sun. ASH Whataya mean “without the sun?” GOAKIE The sun doesn’t shine here. Not anymore. LOUIS There is so much to tell you, it is hard to know where to start. Ash takes a bug clump of food from his plate and scoops it in his mouth ASH Start at the beginning, that's always a good place. Mable, looking at Ash's mechanical hand, accidentally spills some food on Ash's lap. Ash jumps a bit in surprise. MABLE Oh, my! I'm sorry! SARAH MAY Mable! Pay attention to what you are doing! We can’t be wasting food! MABLE I'm sorry Sarah May! Are you scalded? ASH I've had worse happen... Mable begins to clean up the mess. SARAH MAY Land sakes, child! You keep this up we ain't never gonna eat. Carrie leans towards Ash. CARRIE You'll have to excuse Mable, sometimes she can be a real cluts. MABLE Oh yea? Well who was it that knocked out the generator the other day, hmmm? CARRIE That was only one time! You bumble about constantly! HARROLD Girls, girls, settle down, it was just an accident. CARRIE Accident nothing. I know why she spilled the food. Mable flashes Carrie a scowl. LOUIS Why is that, my dear? Carrie smugly returns the look. CARRIE It was because of his metal hand. MABLE Carrie! SARAH MAY (to Carrie) Now you're being rude child! CARRIE Oh, come on! Don't tell me you guys haven't wondered about it too! Tell us, what happened to your hand? ASH It tried to kill me, so I lopped it off at the wrist. MABLE Oh, my! HARROLD Why’d it try to kill you? ASH It got possessed. CARRIE Possessed? Cool! HARROLD Well, if your hand was possessed, then what is that? ASH Oh, this? Well, I made this sweet baby out of a suit of armor I found in 1300 ad at the castle of Candar, where I fought an evil army of the undead. Louis’s eyes squint at Ash inquisitively. LOUIS 1300 ad? ASH I'll explain later, but right now, I want to know what it is I’m doing here? SARAH MAY First off Mr... Ash shoves more food in his mouth. ASH Name’s Ash. SARAH MAY Well, do you have a last name, or should we just call you...Ash. Ash swallows hard. ASH MR. Ash will be just fine. Sarah May glares at Ash. SARAH MAY Very well, MR. Ash. Let me introduce everyone. My name is Sarah May, this is Louis, Harold, Carrie, Mable, and you of course know Goakie. ASH Yea, yea, yea, nice to meet you, blah, blah, blah, now when do I get home? LOUIS Well, I’m afraid its not that simple... ASH Whaddya mean it ain’t that simple? You brought me here didn’t ya? Just say that mumbo jumbo, open that space and time thingie and send me back! LOUIS Perhaps I should explain. A while back, something happened here...we’re not sure what happened exactly, but all we know is that the earth has been encompassed by some sort of...for lack of a better word, an all-consuming evil. Ash shovels more food in his mouth, smacking his lips loudly. ASH Well, if this evil is “all encompassing,” then how’d you guys escape it? LOUIS Well, me and my girls here were moving into the city. I had just gotten a job there teaching about my field of expertise. CARRIE Daddy is a professor of linguistics. ASH Huh? MABLE Language. ASH Oh. SARAH MAY My boy Harold had just gotten fired from his job as a mechanic in the city, so we were moving out back to my hometown in Kentucky. Ash turns to Goakie. ASH So where the hell did you come from? GOAKIE I was out here camping in the woods when it happened. I can remember it was just about noon when it happened. The sun was high in the sky, and then, it turned black as night. HARROLD We tried to go back into the city, but found out it wasn’t safe. The people...they had all turned into some sort of hideous demons! LOUIS Then, we all found our way to this cabin one way or another. Everyone of us had some essential possessions because of our moves, and seeing as how we couldn’t go into the city, we fixed this place up and made it into a temporary home. ASH Yea, well, this is all fine and dandy, but you still haven’t answered my question. Why are you safe here in the woods? What makes this place so safe? Louis gets up, walks to his desk in the other room, and walks back into the kitchen holding some old pieces of parchment paper and a rumpled manila envelope. LOUIS While we were fixing this place up, we found these... Louis hands Ash the papers. LOUIS I was able to translate them, using my unfortunately limited knowledge in the ancient Sumarian language. As far as I can gather, these are pages from a book called Necronomicon Ex-Mortus. Roughly translated, that means-- ASH The Book of the Dead. Louis looks at Ash with a bit of surprise and smiles. LOUIS Yes, the Book of the Dead. After translating the pages, we found many answers to some of our questions. What we now believe, is that this evil force that’s destroyed everything we know has come into possession of the book, in essence, becoming it own master, making it free to do whatever it wants. ASH Jesus, Joseph, and Mary in Tinsel Town! You mean that this thing got hold of the book! LOUIS Yes. These pages also tell of ways to turn the evil into a living entity and expel it through some sort of rift in time and space, but it doesn’t seem to work. This evil must be too powerful. SARAH MAY The pages also said there was a hero that was prophesised to destroy it. LOUIS So we figured that we could use this time rift to bring the promised one here to help us. Only he would be able to triumph over the evil. Of course, we weren’t expecting him to be so... Ash belches. Loud. LOUIS ...uncooperative. ASH All right, the evil’s got the book and is calling the shots. Got it. But didn’t you mention something about me being dead? LOUIS Yes. We figure that the only way it could get the book was by killing you, who was destined to defeat it. ASH Now hold on a minute. How do you know I’m the guy your looking for, huh? How did you even know where to find me? LOUIS A curious coincidence. A colleague of mine, Dr. Raymond Knowby, happened to be on a field study in England escivating the Castle of Candar... Ash’s eyes widen with surprise. ASH Knowby? LOUIS He sent me a letter among with some artifacts asking me to catalogue them as a favor. In his letter, he mentioned finding an odd shaped structure resembling a ‘73 Oldsmobile, apparently erected as a tribute to a great warrior. ASH My Chevel?! LOUIS In the structure, he found this... Louis produces an old, charred leather wallet from the envelope. He opens the wallet and takes out a card, passing it to Ash. Ash looks at the card. It’s an old drivers license. The picture shows a young Ash with glasses, a thick mustache, and wetted down black hair combed in an extremely dorky fashion. ASH My old drivers license! LOUIS Yes. We also found an old paycheck that gave your place of employment. So after we knew who you were and where you worked, I was able to send young Goakie here back in time to save you. ASH So he saved me, now what? LOUIS Now you can go and retrieve the Necronomicon so we can dispel the evil. ASH What? You want me to go after that blasted book again! No way! GOAKIE But Ash... ASH NO! SARAH MAY You fool! Don't you see? If you go back now, the evil will just kill you again! Can't you get that through your thick scull? ASH Hey, baby. This thick scull has saved me more times than I can count. SARAH MAY So it saved you once. Big deal. You seem to be missing the picture. If you retrieve the book, then we can dispel the evil here. Once the evil is gone, we will go back to your time and get rid of the evil there as well. With the evil gone in your time, life will be the way it should be right here and now. MABLE It'll be like this horrible future never happened...at least to us. LOUIS Once we have the book, we can be rid of this terrible force once and for all! GOAKIE Ash, the entire future of mankind lies on your shoulders. SARAH MAY Well, what do you say? Everyone looks at Ash expecting his answer. Ash looks at the six other people nervously. CUT TO INT. CABIN -- SMALL BEDROOM Ash is in a bed snoring loudly. There is a sudden knock on the door to his room, but he is snoring too loud to hear it. The knocking persists, and finally succeeds in stirring Ash. He sleepily gets up from bed to answer it. ASH I'm coming, I'm coming... Ash opens the door. Mable is standing there with a bundle of clothes. MABLE Good morning! ASH Whaddya mean? Its still dark. MABLE Okay, good night then. ASH What do you want? MABLE I brought you some clean clothes. Did you sleep well? ASH Fine. MABLE You must be pretty excited. ASH Excited? About what? MABLE Oh, you know. ASH No. MABLE The thing. ASH What thing? MABLE You know! About the book? Aren't you anxious, or nervous, or something? ASH No. Mable walks inside and sets the cloths on the bed. MABLE Oh, the adventures you must have had! You really must tell me all about them sometime. ASH I'll tell you about them right now. They sucked. They weren't adventures. I was put through hell, and now I have to be put through it again. MABLE But, you're the promised one. You're destined to-- ASH Look, don't hand me that destiny crap! I'm not the promised one, and if I am it's not by choice. I never wanted anything to do with this stuff, but someone sees it fit to keep thrusting me into these sorts of situations. MABLE I...I didn’t know you felt that way. ASH Well, now you do. Mable gives an uncomfortable glance around the room. MABLE Well, breakfast is on the table when you're ready. Mable turns a cold shoulder and starts to walk away. Ash gently grabs her. ASH Hey... MABLE Yes. Ash hesitates for a moment. ASH Uh...thanks for the cloths. A small smile creeps onto Mable’s face. MABLE You’re welcome. She starts to go. MABLE Oh, I almost forgot. When you get a chance, Goakie and Harold are waiting for you out in the workshed. Mable leaves, closing the door softly behind her. ASH Workshed? CUT TO EXT. WORKSHED Ash emerges from the cabin and starts to head for the workshed. On his way he passes a large pile of tires, ranging in all shapes and sizes. A few especially large tires are propped up against the walls of the wooden structure. The shed is a far cry from the old, weathered workshed last time Ash saw it. It’s walls have been replaced with sturdier looking wood and its dimensions have been extended a bit, making it larger. INT. WORKSHED Ash opens the door to the workshed to and steps inside. Harold is tinkering the chainsaw that came through the vortex with Ash, and Goakie is cleaning his shotgun. The interior is clean and spacious. The walls are lined with various kinds of tools and numerous kinds of knickknacks strewn about on workbenches, including an engine that looks like it’s being rebuilt. Goakie spots Ash. GOAKIE Hey there. Sleep well? ASH Fine. What's he doing? GOAKIE Harold? Well, he is our resident handyman here. He fixes what needs to be fixed. HAROLD This chainsaw of yours was pretty beaten up, but I think I whipped her back into shape! Harold pulls the starter cord of the chainsaw, which rumbles to life. HAROLD Aw, yea. Listen to that baby purr... ASH Nice work. What about this? Ash points out the engine. HAROLD That’s a new engine for Goakie’s truck. It’s much faster than the one he has now. GOAKIE And it won’t stall all the time. ASH Are all those tires out there for the truck too? HAROLD Sometimes. Mostly we use them for rubber surplus. You never know when you’ll need some. Louis enters the workshed. LOUIS Ah, I see you're up! Are you two ready to go? ASH What do you mean, "you two?" LOUIS Well, isn't Goakie coming with you? GOAKIE Of course I am-- ASH No, he's not! GOAKIE What! ASH It's bad enough I have to retrieve that damn book again, but I don't want to be stuck baby-sitting too! GOAKIE Baby-sitting! Now let me tell you something pal-- LOUIS Let me assure you, Mr. Ash, Goakie is quite capable of taking care of himself. He’s gone into town many times before to scavenge for supplies, and he’s successfully fought the dead time and time again. ASH Look pops, I don't care if he could fry an egg by farting lightning bolts! I work alone, and the last thing I need is him tagging along. LOUIS But promised one-- GOAKIE No, no that's okay Louis, if he wants to go it alone, let him. LOUIS But... ASH There you go, now your talking some sense. Glad you see it my way! GOAKIE Oh, of course, but first, I feel I need to worn you about certain things before you go running off into the city. Goakie crosses over to Ash, swinging his arm around him and talking to him like an old college buddy. GOAKIE Now, you need to be sure that when you’re entering town, stay on the beige colored road. This is very important. ASH The beige colored road? GOAKIE Yes. You see, if you turn onto the tan road, that will lead you to the Pit of Torment, where you will be sucked in and slowly digested over the course of a thousand years... ASH The Pit of Torment? GOAKIE Yea, real painful, and if you turn onto the light brown road, that will lead you to the wastelands, where exposure to underground radiation will melt your internal organs and make you die in a very slow and painful way. ASH Wasteland? GOAKIE Oh, yea, and whatever you do, don't, I repeat, don't turn onto the khaki colored road. ASH Why? What’s wrong with the khaki road? GOAKIE Because if you do, the graboids will get you! ASH What the hell are graboids? GOAKIE They're little critters that live underground. They can sense the slightest vibration. Whenever you get close enough to them, they'll shoot upwards out of the ground and bite you're a...well, you know. Ash makes a slightly noticeable gulp. GOAKIE But you don’t need to worry about all that! I’m sure you’ll be fine! ASH Well, uh, come to think of it, I might need some help getting into town. GOAKIE I thought you might. Come on, I have something to show you. Goakie leads Ash towards the rear of the workshed. After their gone, Louis turns to Harold. LOUIS Graboids? What was all that about? Harold shrugs. INT. WORKSHED -- WEAPONS ROOM Goakie leads Ash into a small room in the back of the workshed. Goakie turns on a light revealing a small work table with a bunch of various chemicals on it, and mounds of chests stacked on one another. Even with the light on, the room has a dark, claustrophobic feel to it. ASH I don't remember this room... GOAKIE We built it a while back. When we started returning to the town to hunt for supplies, everyone thought it necessary to stockpile weapons in case we had to fight. This is where we keep the weapons catch. This is also where Harold makes ammunition when we can’t go into town. Goakie hauls out a chest from one of the piles and unlocks it, revealing several kinds of guns, grenades, bullets, and rifles. GOAKIE If we're going to take on a task as big as retrieving the Necronomicon, we're going to need to pack heavy. Take you're pick. Ash gazes into the chest, entranced with what he sees. He reaches into it... A sawed off shotgun finds its way into Ash’s belt... ...two semiautomatic handguns... ...grenades... ...and one hell of a big knife. ASH All right, let's go check out a book. ACT TWO EXT. WOODS The old truck flies over the road, tearing away like a bat out of hell toward the abandoned city. CUT TO INT. CAR ASH Do you have to drive so fast? GOAKIE Trust me, we do. Ash loads his shotgun. ASH So, where is the Necronomicon being held? GOAKIE In the Capplone Industries building. ASH Which one is that? The city creeps up over the horizon. The Capplone building is by far the largest in the city. It once might have looked like a normal building, but now the outside is rotted and decayed. Black weeds are growing all over the outside, invading the structure like a cancerous disease. Lightning shoots out of the black skinned sky, striking the building. ASH Oh. CUT TO INT. -- CITY The truck screeches to a halt on the abandoned street in front of the building. Ash and Goakie climb out of the truck and head towards the large structure. The entrance is gnarled, its bricks extending outward like large, sharp teeth within a grotesquely contorted mouth waiting to consume anyone who enters. The two approach the entrance. ASH You first. GOAKIE Me? You're the promised one. ASH That’s right, and I’m telling you to go first. Goakie laughs. GAOKIE Yea, right. ASH All right, we'll flip a coin to see who goes first. Ash withdraws a quarter from his pocket. ASH Heads you win, tails you loose, okay? GOAKIE Okay. Ash flips the coin and grabs it in mid-air. He opens his hand... ...heads. GOAKIE Heads! I win. ASH Best two out of three. Ash flips the coin again. It turns up heads. GOAKIE Heads. I win. ASH Best three out of five. An annoyed Goakie stands by while Ash flips the coin again. Heads. GOAKIE There. You satisfied? I win...again. ASH Wait a minute... Ash flips the coin a few more times, each time turning up heads. ASH Hey... GOAKIE What is it? Ash inspects the coin. It is a regular coin with one tails side and one heads side. Ash flips it again, but no matter how many times he does it, it keeps turning up heads. ASH It's always turning up heads! GOAKIE Ash, do you realize the probability of that happening? Ash, annoyed, throws away the quarter and pulls out a new one. ASH Okay, this time, heads I win, tails you win. Ash flips the coin. It turns up tails. GOAKIE Tails. Ash flips the coin again. Tails. GOAKIE Tails. Ash begins flipping the coin repeatedly. Each time, the coin comes up tails. ASH It's always landing on tails! What's the deal? GOAKIE Forget it Ash, I'll go first. Goakie starts walking towards the door, but Ash stops him. ASH No, no, you won the toss...I'll go on in. GOAKIE You sure? ASH Yes. Of course. Just stand back, will ya. Ash cautiously approaches the entrance... He slowly reaches out for the handle, and then proceeds to slowly open the door, revealing darkness inside. Ash sticks his head in, looking around, expecting something to happen... Nothing does. ASH Well, that wasn't so bad. Suddenly, a large, rumbling, belching sound comes from the door, shaking the ground around the foundation of the building. Some decayed mortar and bricks slide out of the wall and hit the rotted asphault of the street. Then, a large gust of green, foul smelling wind comes rushing out from the inside, encasing Ash in its stench. He catches a whiff of the air and passes out. Alarmed, Goakie runs to his aid. GOAKIE Ash! Ash, are you--WHOA!!! Goakie starts to smell the odor. He holds his nose in pain. GOAKIE Oh...God...it smells terrible! He starts to make his way towards Ash. GOAKIE Smells so bad...it hurts! Goakie grabs Ash and drags him inside the building. CUT TO INT. BUILDING The two enter the building. The inside is dark, completely black. There is no definition in the room at all, giving the illusion of emensity. The only thing visible is a large, winding staircase in the middle of the room, illuminated from above by a ghostly light. Once inside the green mist disappears, the odor with it. Goakie stops holding his nose and starts to gently slap Ash to awaken him. GOAKIE Ash, Ash, wake up... ASH Wha...huh? Ash awakes. GOAKIE It's okay, you can't smell it in here. Goakie helps Ash up to his feet. They glance around the lobby. ASH What now? GOAKIE (referring to the stairs) I guess we climb. Ash looks at the stairs which seem to spiral upwards forever. ASH You gotta be kidding me. GOAKIE Last one up is a rotten egg. The duo begin climbing the stairs. And climb... ...and climb... ...and climb. After what seems like an eternity, Ash collapses. Goakie goes to assist him. GOAKIE Ash, are you okay? ASH You go on, I...I just can't... GOAKIE Ash, come on, just a few more flights, we're almost there! ASH I...I can't. GOAKIE We have to get the book! The future of mankind is depending on us Ash! ASH The future of mankind can take a backseat. I'm tired, and I'm going to sit here a moment, and rest. GOAKIE Ash, you can't stop and rest. You don’t realize the risk we took simply coming into town! Now get up, we have to keep moving. ASH Okay...okay, I'm coming... Ash starts to get up and Goakie resumes walking up the stairs. Suddenly, the step under Ash collapses, throwing him off balance, tumbling backwards down the stairs. Goakie turns to see Ash on his way down. GOAKIE ASH! Then, the stairway begins to tremble, accompanied by a low, rumbling sound. Goakie glances up to see a large boulder rolling down the steps right towards him! Wasting no time, Goakie sprints down the stairs. Ash falls back down into the lobby and rolls, breaching the darkness by hitting a wall, where he lies crumpled in pain for a moment. Then, he warily begins to get back to his feet. The boulder gains as Goakie heads towards the foot of the stairs. When he is just a few steps away from the lobby, he catches a glimpse of Ash. GOAKIE Ash! Ash, move! Ash, disoriented from the fall, doesn't hear Goakie's warnings. The boulder is gaining... With no time to loose, Goakie hops over the rail of the stairs, the boulder missing him by inches, but still on a crash course with Ash. GOAKIE ASH! Ash looks up just in time to see the boulder coming for him. ASH Wha-- With the force of a Mac truck, the boulder slams into Ash, lodging itself and him in the wall. Goakie runs to the boulder. GOAKIE Ash! Ash, oh God! Goakie grabs the boulder and pulls, dislodging it from the wall to find a large hole which leads to a hidden room. Ash is lying on the floor, covered in plaster, groaning. The room is small and poorly lit. Behind Ash, Goakie spots the two large metal doors of an elevator. GOAKIE Ash, you did it! Look, you found an elevator! ASH Quazi? Goakie runs to the elevator and pushes the button. The elevator doors groan open. GOAKIE It works! Come on, lets take it up. Ash groans wearily. ASH Gaahhhh... Goakie crosses to Ash and helps him up to his feet, leading him into the elevator. GOAKIE Come on! CUT TO INT. ELEVATOR GOAKIE You gonna be all right? ASH Yea, yea, I'll be fine. Ash looks at the elevator buttons. ASH Which floor is it on? GOAKIE I don't know, pick one. ASH Let's see here... The rusty console contains many buttons, ranging from floors one through forty-five. Ash scans the console. His eyes come to rest on a large red button at its bottom with the word "EVIL" printed on it in large white letters. He looks at Goakie, who shrugs. Ash slowly reaches for it, and... ...pushes the button. The cry of the rusted, decayed gears assault their ears, complaining with years of neglect. Ash and Goakie brace themselves, expecting the worst. Then, the elevator starts going upwards without protest. Ash and Goakie are tense, expecting some kind of trick, but nothing happens. The two gradually relax. GOAKIE Funny, you'd think something would happen. ASH Yea, something like-- WOOSH! The elevator rockets upward, the G-forces slamming Ash and Goakie down, pinning them to the floor as it shoots up at breakneck speed. The skin on their faces pulls back around their heads. ASH How...do...you...stop it? GOAKIE Emergency...stop. The emergency stop button rattles on the loose console, mocking them. INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT -- TOP The gears at the top of the shaft are spinning incredibly fast, belching smoke from their joints. Then, jagged spikes emerge from behind the alluminum casing of its roof, patiently waiting for the rapidly approaching elevator. INT. ELEVATOR Ash reaches for the button... The elevator rushes closer to the spikes... Ash touches his finger to the button, barely able to push it in. The breaks on the outside of the elevator clamp down, sparks flying from the grinding of metal on metal. The elevator screeches, trying to stop, flinging the two to the top of the elevator. Ash's head breaks through the top. He looks up and sees the spikes rushing down from above. Ash begins to scream... Suddenly, the elevator stops, a spike not even an inch from his head. Once the elevator has stopped, Goakie falls to the ground, while Ash is still hanging by his neck at the top of the elevator. GOAKIE Ash, are you all right? ASH Get me down! GOAKIE Okay, hold tight! Goakie grabs Ash by the legs and starts to tug at him to pull him back down. Ash's head pops out of the hole and he falls down on top of Goakie. GOAKIE Get off me! Ash rolls off of Goakie Just then, the elevator doors open to reveal a very dark room. Ash and Goakie stand up and cautiously take a look in the room. INT. LARGE ROOM Like the lobby, is completely enveloped in darkness, seemingly going on forever in all directions. The ground is cloaked with a thick mist, stretching on in all directions. Ash and Goakie step out into the void, the elevator doors slamming closed behind them. Ash and Goakie proceed further into the room. Then, an ominous voice booms throughout its emptiness. VOICE Who goes there? Ash and Goakie look around, but there is no one in sight. ASH Who wants to know? Suddenly, the mist before them parts, wrapping its gaseous tendrils around their legs... Out of the darkness below, a throne made of charred bones, upholstered with decaying skin and muscle climbs to the surface before them. A man sits on the throne, master of all he surveys. His slender figure is shrouded in a black hooded robe, which hides every part of his body. The hood lowers a shadow, masking his face. The only indication that someone is in the robe is the voice that comes from it. This is the KEEPER OF THE BOOK. KEEPER I am the Keeper of the Book, protector of the flesh, overseer of the dark text. ASH Well, hello Mr. Fancy Pants! GOAKIE Ash-- KEEPER Who dares to trespass in my domain! ASH Look pal, that's for us to know and you to find out. What's with the robe? You just step out of the shower or something? A growl emanates from the Keeper, sounding throughout the room, sending a shiver through Goakie. GOAKIE Ash, I think you're making him mad... ASH Relax Goak, you gotta know how to talk to these people. A boney finger, scant with flesh, is pointed at Ash. KEEPER You will answer! ASH Look pal, you mind? I was talking here. GOAKIE Ash... ASH Oh, come on! What's he gonna do, point at me to death? With a crackle and spark, a lightning bolt streams out of the Keeper's finger. The energy envelopes Ash, electrocuting him. The energy dissipates, leaving a charred and smoking Ash standing stiff for a moment. ASH Goak, you wanna handle this? Goakie steps up to the throne. GOAKIE My name is Goakie, and this is Ash. KEEPER State your purpose. GOAKIE We seek the Necronomicon. KEEPER What deems you worthy to possess the book? GOAKIE What deems us worthy? Well...um... Goakie fumbles for words. Ash, recovering from the shock, speaks up... ASH Worthy, shmorthy, look. We don't want to be here, you don't want us here, so what do you say you save yourself, and us, a lot of unwanted trouble and just give us the book. The Keeper stares at Ash from behind the darkness of his hood for a moment. KEEPER Very well. Ash, caught off guard, gives the Keeper a disbelieving look. ASH Huh? KEEPER You seek the book, you may have the book. The Keeper motions into the darkness... A geyser of mist shoots from the ground. Then the mist dissipates, a stone chamber appearing in its wake. Within the chamber lies the Necronomicon, an iron gate is sealing off the entrance. Ash whispers to Goakie. ASH Something is wrong, this is too easy. GOAKIE I agree, there must be a catch. Ash addresses the Keeper suspiciously. ASH Well, I'm glad you see this my way. KEEPER But first... Ash’s suspicions are confirmed. ASH Of course... KEEPER You must answer me three questions. ASH Okay, sounds easy enough-- KEEPER But be warned. If you are to answer any of the questions wrong, you will never be able to gain the book. Now, or ever. ASH Yea, yea, yea, no book--got it. Now hurry it up will ya? KEEPER Very well. Answer me this...what has four legs in the morning, two in the noon, and three in the evening? Ash thinks about it for a moment, he opens his mouth to answer when Goakie jumps in. GOAKIE Man. The answer is man. When he's born, he crawls on all fours, when he reaches middle age, he can walk with two legs, and in old age he walks with a cane. KEEPER Correct. The metal gate to the chamber is lifted up a third of the way. Ash looks a bit annoyed that Goakie answered before him. KEEPER Next question. What has many eyes, yet cannot see? Ash is about to answer when Goakie jumps in again. GOAKIE It's a potato. KEEPER Correct. GOAKIE (to Ash) That was an easy one. Ash glares at Goakie with annoyance. The gate to the book opens more. KEEPER If you answer the next question correctly, the book shall be yours. ASH Okay, shoot. KEEPER These are the three words which must be recited in order to obtain the book. Ash quickly slaps his hand over Goakie's mouth and answers the question. ASH I know this! Its Clatto, Verata....Nic... Ash hesitates. ASH Nicto! That's it! Nicto! Ha! Clatto, Verata, Nicto! Ash winks at Goakie, confident he got the answer right. KEEPER Incorrect. The gate to the book slams down closed. ASH Hey, wait a minute! That was the answer! I got it right right! Clatto, Verata, Nicto--those are the words! KEEPER I'm sorry, but you did not state your answer in the form of a question. ASH What! KEEPER You forfeit the book. ASH Now wait a minute, you never told us that! KEEPER You have failed, now leave. GOAKIE Ash, what are we going to do? ASH Stay cool, I'll handle this. (to the Keeper) Say, Yoda, before we leave, do you mind if ask you a question. The Keeper is quiet for a moment. KEEPER Proceed. ASH Where’d you get that third eye? KEEPER Third eye? BAM! The shotgun blast tears through the back of the Keepers head, along with little bits of bone and muscle. The force of the blast flips the Keeper backwards out of his throne in a somersault, sending him into the cover of the mist on the ground. Ash blows away some smoke from his 12-guage. Goakie looks on in disbelief. ASH Well, don't just stand there, go get the book. Goakie snaps back to the moment and walks up to the gate guarding the Necromicon, sticking his arm through the bars to try to reach it. The book is just out of his reach. GOAKIE I can almost reach it! ASH Well hurry up, we don't have all day. Then, in the distance behind Ash, a large shadowy figure emerges from below the mist. It is THE GUARDIAN, protector of the book. He is clad in a black, almost organic armor. Two blood red eyes shine from behind the face mask fade from a human skull. The giant unsheathes a huge sword with a large, curved blade and a jagged, serated edge. He begins to move towards Ash. Goakie turns to Ash. GOAKIE It's just out of my reach, just a little further and I'm sure I can-- Goakie spots the Guardian sneaking up behind Ash. GOAKIE ASH! Behind you! ASH Wha--? Ash turns to see the Guardian towering above him, sword held high over his head. Without a moment to loose, Ash leaps out of the way as the sword crashes down, grazing his pants leg-- Ash whips his shotgun around, training it on his assailant, but before he can shoot, the Guardian hacks the shotgun in two with his sword. Ash, thinking quick, hits the sword out of the Guardian's hand with the half of the shotgun he is still holding. Ash punches the Guardian, who returns the favor, sending Ash reeling. Ash slaps the Guardian, who slaps back. The two keep slapping each other. Then, the Guardian grabs Ash's nose and twists it. ASH Gnahahahah... Ash pokes the guardian in the eyes, making him let go of his nose. ASH Numskull! Ash head-butts the Guardian, who staggers back. The Guardian then swings his arm in a backwards arc and bops Ash on the head, grabbing Ash's hair and swinging him around by it. ASH Hey, hey! Watch the hair...oh, ow...let go! With all his weight, Ash stomps on the Guardian's foot. He lets go of Ash's hair and grabs hold of his bruised tootsie, hopping on one leg. Ash steps on the other foot. Then, the Guardian switches feet and starts hopping on the other leg. Ash is about to do it again until the Guardian socks him in the jaw. Ash staggers back. Goakie is still trying to reach the book. Then, out of no where, the Keeper appears with a big hole in his head and jumps on Goakie’s back, struggling with him. GOAKIE Gragh! Hey! The Guardian grabs Ash’s shirt and picks him up, lifting him above his head. GUARDIAN Die! With that, Ash is hurled across the room. The Guardian reaches down and grabs his sword from out of the mist and starts racing towards Ash, holding the mammoth blade high. The Guardian descends upon Ash, who barely dodges the swings of the massive blade. The Keeper finally pulls Goakie away from the gate, pushing him to the ground. While Goakie is out of the picture, the Keeper opens the gate, picks up the book, and starts to run off with it, until Goakie trips him. The two scramble for the book, each grabbing an opposite end, getting into a tug-of-war over it. The Guardian pelts Ash across the face with the hilt of the sword, knocking him down. He then pins Ash to the floor with his foot, lifting his sword high over his head. GUARDIAN Infidel! Prepare to die! Ash braces himself for death. Goakie steps on the Keeper's foot. The Keeper then lets go of the book and grabs his foot in pain. WHAM! Goakie slams the book across what’s left of the Keeper’s face, knocking his head off. The black shrouded body disintegrates into a puff of smoke. CUT TO EXT. CITY A roll of thunder rumbles through the land, the dark sky swirling above. Then, as if a knife had sliced through it, the darkness opens up, letting bright sunlight stream down to earth. Light invades every crevice of the city, invading the land and claiming it for its own once again. CUT TO INT. CABIN Everyone is sitting around, waiting for some sign of Ash’s success, when suddenly sunlight comes streaming through the window. CARRIE Look! Everyone looks at the beam as the cabin is illuminated from outside by the brilliance of sunlight. MABLE Light! They all excitedly run outside in time to see the last reminisce of darkness swallowed by the bright, yellow, sun. LOUIS They did it! A contagious cheer spreads through the group. CUT TO INT. BUILDING The Guardian pauses, then turns to see Goakie with the book. Ash raises his head and sees him as well. The Guardian dismissively kicks Ash in the face, dazing him, then the dark giant begins to walk towards Goakie, forgetting about Ash. GUARDIAN Give me the Book. GOAKIE Like hell... Goakie takes out his shotgun -- BAM BAM BAM! The bullets tear through the Guardian’s organic armor, but doesn’t even phase him. He raises his sword as he gets closer. Ash, still woozy from the blow to the face, takes out a grenade, pulls the pin, and rolls it on the ground, under the cover of the smoke. The Guardian is almost to Goakie when the steel oval explodes, the force of the blast sending him flying across the room, enveloped by the mist as he lands on the floor. Ash calls to Goakie. ASH Come on, let's blow this joint. GOAKIE I'm with you. The two run back to the elevator and push the button. The doors open. Goakie is about to step in when Ash grabs him by the shoulder. ASH Wait! The elevator shaft is empty, its walls stretching down to infinity. The doors then close. GOAKIE Great, now what. From behind, the Guardian rises from the mist again, totally healed from any injury. He unsheathes his sword, and with a primal scream, charges forward like a rabid animal. The duo turn in surprise. Goakie is about to run but Ash stops him. GOAKIE Ash, what are you doing? The Guardian gets closer... GOAKIE Ash, let's go! ASH Steady... ...closer... GOAKIE Ash! ASH Wait for it... The Guardian is almost upon them. Ash hits the elevator button, the doors creak back open. Ash pushes Goakie out of the way and quickly stands aside, jutting out his leg at the same time, tripping the rampaging Guardian sending him falling down the elevator shaft like Wile E. Cyotie after being tricked by the Road Runner. ASH Going down? A dull thud is heard as the Guardian hits the bottom. ASH Oooo, that's gotta hurt! GOAKIE Great move Ash! ASH Yea, well, it's all in the timing. GOAKIE Now, how do we get out of here? ASH Well, there must be another exit around here somewhere. Suddenly, out of the darkness, a red "EXIT" sign flashes on and a door opens revealing light. Both Ash and Goakie see the door, flash each other a quick glance, and look back at the opening. They cautiously head towards the doorway. CUT TO INT. LONG HALLWAY The hallway’s mint green walls stretch off into the distance, seemingly never ending. The walls are filled with doors on either side. Once they step into the hallway, the entrance door slams shut behind them. Ash whips around and tries to reopen it. ASH Locked. Goakie surveys the hallway. GOAKIE Well, one of these doors must lead somewhere, even possibly an exit. ASH Well, then let's get started. I'll take the left side, you take the right. GOAKIE Okay. Goakie begins opening doors while Ash glances down the hallway for a moment. ASH Damn, its long. Ash begins to open doors. He opens the first door... Sunlight streams in, blinding Ash, causing him to loose his balance. He falls into the room, grabbing onto the doorknob, his feet not finding any floor. Ash opens his eyes and sees the room has no floor, in fact, its not even a room... Rather, its the outside of the building! Ash is dangling from the forty-fifth floor. Swinging his legs, Ash works his way back to the doorway. He swings a leg up onto the floor and climbs back inside, closing the door behind him. He breaths a sigh of relief. GOAKIE You okay down there? ASH Fine, fine. I'm fine, everything's fine. Goakie gives Ash a weird look and returns to opening doors. Ash approaches the next door and cautiously opens it. Suddenly, hundreds of skeletal hands reach out and grab him, pulling him into the room, closing the door behind them. Goakie turns to see that Ash has disappeared. GOAKIE Ash? Ash, where are you? A series of noises come from the door. GOAKIE Ash? Suddenly, the door flings open, and a beat-up and tattered Ash runs out, severed body parts still attached to him. Some hands try to follow him out but he closes the door on them, bracing himself against it to keep any more from getting out. ASH Well, what are you waiting for? Hit them! While Ash braces the door, Goakie takes out his shotgun and hits the hands that are sticking out from the door with the butt of it. One by one, the hands disappear back into the room. Ash fully closes the door. GOAKIE You okay? Ash shakes off the dismembered arms. ASH Oh, I'm great. GOAKIE You sure? ASH No you idiot! Of course not! I was just pulled into a room of undead skeletons who tried to kill me! How could I possibly be okay after that? Jeeze! GOAKIE Sorry I asked. Goakie gets up and starts to walk back to the door he left off with. Ash turns to the third door. He takes out one of his handguns and this time simply flings it open, ready for anything... Except for this. Behind the door he is greeted by a barrier of blood blocking the doorway. Ash stares at it in disbelief. Suddenly, the blood pours out in a gigantic title wave, flowing down the hallway with the rage of water being released from a dam, carrying a screaming Ash in undertow. Goakie sees the flow of gore coming toward him. He begins to scream and braces himself for the onslaught of blood...but it never comes. Stopping within an inch of Goakie, the blood freezes for a moment, then suddenly curls in on itself and starts to flow in reverse back into the room from which it came, slamming the door closed behind it, and leaving a blood drenched Ash at its doorstep. Goakie runs to Ash. GOAKIE God, Ash, you're a mess! ASH Grgggg... GOAKIE Here, let me help you up. Goakie gets Ash to his feet. GOAKIE Ash, I think it might be better if we switched sides. You can have the right, and I'll go on with the rest of the doors on the left. ASH Yea, okay, all right...you do that. GOAKIE You sure you’re okay? ASH Fine, fine. Ash starts to walk back to the door that Goakie had left off with. He turns to see Goakie about to open the next door. Ash looks on with a nervous anticipation as Goakie cautiously reaches for the door knob. Then, Goakie opens the door... Suddenly a broom falls out, both Ash and Goakie jump back. Goakie looks at the broom curiously and then looks in the room. GOAKIE That's weird... ASH What is it? GOAKIE Nothing. Just a broom closet. ASH A broom closet? GOAKIE Yep. Nothing but a couple mops and brooms. ASH (muttering to himself) Mops and brooms, figures. (to Goakie) Just out of curiosity, none of them have any fangs or claws or anything, do they? Goakie looks in the room one more time. GOAKIE Nope. Just plain, ordinary cleaning utensils. Ash gives an exasperated sigh before he turns to the next door and begins to approach it. When Ash reaches for the door, the doorknob starts rattling in its socket. Cautiously, he begins to reach out for it with his good hand, then, an inch away from the doorknob, he stops, pulling back his good hand and looking at it. Ash glances at his metallic hand. Deciding to be a bit protective of his other functioning body parts, Ash begins to reach for the handle with his metal hand. As soon as he grasps the doorknob, it stops shaking. Ash slowly opens the door, and cautiously looks inside. The room is illuminated by the newfound sunlight shining in from a window. The room is an extremely large supply closet. Its walls are lined with dusty shelves filled with a various array of knickknacks. Ash steps into the doorway to get a better look at his first seemingly normal room when suddenly the door slams shut, pushing Ash into the room and locking behind him. INT. SUPPLY ROOM Ash tries to open the door, but it wont budge. He starts pounding on it. ASH Hey! Hey out there! Help! INT. HALLWAY Goakie hears Ash’s pounding and runs up to the room. Once there, he tries to open the door. ASH (OS) Get me outta here! GOAKIE Sit tight, I'm gonna find something to pry open the door with! Goakie goes off to find a tool of some sort to help open the door with. INT. SUPPLY ROOM ASH Pry open the door...yea, yea you go do that. Meanwile I’m stuck in here with God know’s what... Ash begins to look around for something, anything to open the door with. Then, he spots a mirror in the room that hadn’t been there before. ASH What the hell? Its a full bodied, oak framed mirror that looks like it belongs more in a bedroom than a supply closet. The mirror reflects everything perfectly, except Ash. Instead of reflecting his image, it reflects his back, as if Ash were turned away from it. Ash approaches the mirror, his eyes trained on it with guarded curiosity. He makes some movements in front of the mirror which his backwards image mimics perfectly... Slowly, Ash reaches out to touch the mirror. To his astonishment, his hand passes through the glass into the mirror! ASH What the--? Acting on a mixture of fear and curiosity, Ash grabs the image’s shoulder. Suddenly, a hand grabs his shoulder as well... Ash jerks his hand back and spins around to see who’s there, while his mirror image does the same, turning to face Ash’s back. The reflection reaches out from the mirror, wrapping its arms around Ash’s head and pulling him back into the mirror. Ash struggles against his assailant and grabs the oak frame to be kept from being pulled in.... EVIL IMAGE Hey Ash, don't worry, I'm watching your back! A fiendish laugh erupts from the image. Angry, Ash whips his head back, smashing into his reflection’s face. The reflection staggers back, letting go of him. Ash staggers forward, clutching his face. ASH Ow! Oh...my nose! EVIL IMAGE Ow! Oh...my nose! The Reflections starts to laugh again. Ash turns around and faces his image which is no longer imitating his movements. ASH What’s so funny? EVIL IMAGE What’s so funny? What’s so funny? ASH Stop that! EVIL IMAGE Stop that! Stop that! The evil image laughs and then produces a baseball bat off from the side, beyond the view of the mirror. Ash is instantly on guard. Then, the image hits itself over the head with the bat. Ash’s head jerks backwards from an invisible blow and he falls to the ground, clutching his cranium. The image laughs again. Ash starts to get to his feet. ASH You son of a-- The image punches itself in the jaw. Ash’s head jerks to the side, as if he’d been hit. The image starts roaring with laughter. ASH Oh yea, two can play at this game! Ash slams his head into the floor. EVIL IMAGE Grahgh! The image falls down grabbing its head. Ash smiles. ASH Like the taste of that? Try some seconds! Ash slams his head again... and again... and again... The image reels with each blow. EVIL IMAGE Stop that! ASH Stop that! Stop that! Ash slams his head into the floor a few more times. EVIL IMAGE Grah! ASH Heh, heh... The image grabs its head and slams it into the floor. Ash reels... EVIL IMAGE Ha ha! ASH Oh yea? Ash punches him self in the gut, over and over, the image clutching its midsection in pain. Ash gets to his feet. ASH You had enough? Or you thirsty for more? The image grabs it’s nose as wrenches it to the side. Ash grabs his nose. ASH Gnagh! The image laughs. Ash grabs his hand and pushes into his palm with his thumb. He and the image cry out in pain. ASH Nerve cluster in the palm! On of the most painful places on the body! Done in Half a Loaf of Kung Fu! S-Mart video, employee discount, saw it12 times baby! Ash presses his palm again. The image cries out in pain. ASH Yea, who’s laughing now, eh? Who’s laughing NOW? The image karate chops it’s neck. Ash hits the ground gasping for air. EVIL IMAGE You also saw Enter the Dragon...15 times! Ash manages to quickly get to his feet and runs towards the mirror... Not to be outdone, his image gets up and runs too. They meet each other at the mirror’s frame. Upon doing so, they smash the glass of the mirror, Ash’s image shattering with it. EVIL IMAGE Noooooooooo! The glass shards tinkle to the floor. Ash stomps on them, listening to the tortured cries of tiny Evil Ash’s as he grinds them down. ASH Godzilla. 18 Times. Ash’s moment of triumph is interrupted as the shrieking noise of metal against metal assaults his ears. Ash’s right arm suddenly goes into spasms. Ash glances at his metallic hand, which is jerking all over the place. Rust starts growing on the hand, discharging from the joints, corroding the metal. Ash’s hand has become possessed! ASH Oh no...not again! Ash looks at it with a dreaded sense of deja vu. The hand turns, as if to face Ash, its once shining steel now dull and corrupted. The hand starts for Ash’s face, but before it can attack him, Ash grabs his wrist just in time. ASH HA! Unexpectedly, the hand whips downward latching itself to Ash's crotch! A crunching sound of walnut shells is heard as it begins to squeeze. Ash begins screaming like a girl, running around the room, desperately grabbing at anything to try to ply the robotic hand from his manhood. He gets a stapler and tries to staple the hand. When that doesn't work, he grabs some pens and tries to pry it off with those. HALLWAY Goakie hears Ash's girlish screams. GOAKIE Hang on Ash! I'm coming! Just hang in there! Goakie runs up to the door and draws a pistol. He aims at the doorknob... BANG! The bullet strikes the door but ricochets off and starts to wildly flying around. Goakie hits the deck. Suddenly, the bullet stops in mid-air. Goakie lifts his head and looks around, seeing the bullet staring at him. GAOKIE You gotta be kidding me! The bullet races towards him. Goakie rolls out of the way just in time to keep from getting hit as the bullet lodges itself into the floor. GOAKIE So much for that idea. ASH (OS) Aaaaaaaah! Goakie hops back to his feet and desperately starts to fling open doors, searching for something...anything to help Ash... INT. SUPPLY ROOM Finding a paperweight, Ash heaves it above his head ready to smash the evil hand, but as he begins to bring it down the hand suddenly detaches itself from his arm and lets go of his package, leaving Ash to smash the paperweight into his crotch. Ash’s lip trembles as tears stream down his cheeks. He collapses onto the floor. The metallic hand crawls before a floored Ash, laughing at him with hollow metallic squeals. Ash meets its glance, lifting a finger to point at it. ASH (high pitched voice) You're going down! The metallic hand raises its middle finger, flicking him off. ASH Why you! With all the strength he can muster, Ash slaps the hand, sending it flying through the window to the street below. EXT. BUILDING The hand is plummeting downwards toward the street below. An old flagpole is jutting out from the side of the building. As it approaches the pole, the hand grabs onto it. The metal rod bends downward under the weight of the hand, then flings back up, catapulting the hand back upwards. INT. SUPPLY ROOM Ash has finally pulled himself to his feet when suddenly the hand comes flying back through the window. Still riding on the boost from the flagpole, the fist flies towards Ash, hitting him in the face. Ash stumbles around, dazed. ASH OH! You evil little... When he recovers, he sees his hand staring him down. Ash looks at it, his face contorted with a crazed anger. ASH Oooo, you...you...I'm gonna get you! You're going down, you hear me? Down! The hand bends its fingers, stancing itself like a wild beast, ready to pounce on its prey. ASH What? You want some of this? Huh? Do ya? Ash glances at a table nearby. ASH Well come get some. The hand leaps in the air, heading for Ash's face. Ash quickly grabs a pair of pliers from the table and clamps down in mid-air on the hand's middle finger. The hand shrieks in pain. ASH HA! Got you, you little sucker! Oh, you possessed hands think you're soooooo funny don't ya? Don't ya! Well, who's laughing now, huh? Who's laughing now? I am! And you know why? Because I'm the guy with the pliers! Ash squeezes as hard as he can, denting the finger. There’s another shriek. Ash starts laughing maniacally. INT. HALLWAY Goakie is still opening doors, when suddenly he opens one that contains a flight of stairs. A sign on the wall says “Fire Exit Only.” Goakie’s eyes train on a compartment in the wall containing a fire ax. The sign “emergency use only” calls out to him. INT. SUPPLY ROOM Ash leans up against the door, still torturing the hand with the pliers. ASH Not so tough without fingers are ya? INT. HALLWAY Goakie runs up to the door where Ash is trapped, ax in hand. INT. SUPPLY ROOM Suddenly, the head of an ax breaks through the door, inches from Ash's head. Startled, Ash accidentally lets go of the pliers, setting the hand free. It scurries away to a corner. ASH You're not getting away that easily... Ash approaches the hand as it picks up a nearby paperweight. Ash stops, standing en guard. The hand throws the paperweight, which whizzes by Ash's head. ASH Missed! The paperweight strikes a shelf containing supplies behind Ash, jarring it loose. The supplies roll down to one end of the board, causing the other end to snap out of its hold, flipping topsy turvey, striking Ash in the head, knocking him out. INT. HALLWAY Goakie is still chopping away at the door, almost through... INT. ROOM The hand climes up onto a nearby shelf, picking up a sharp letter opener. It looks down upon a helpless Ash... INT. HALLWAY Goakie breaks through the door the same time the hand jumps off the shelf, its fingers gripped around the letter opener. Goakie sees the hand-- GOAKIE NO! Reacting quickly, Goakie drops the ax and whips out his shotgun shooting the hand in midair, sending it flying back out the window. EXT. BUILDING The hand is once again falling from the building. It hits the same flagpole and is flung into the air, landing in the back of the old Ford pick-up. INT. SUPPLY ROOM Goakie rushes to Ash’s aid. GOAKIE Ash, you all right? ASH The hand...the hand's alive, alive I tell you! It...it tried to kill me, but I got the best of him...oh, yea...YOU HEAR THAT YOU BASTARDS! I got the best of him! Ash begins to laugh hysterically. GOAKIE That's nice. But we have to get going now, I found the way out... Goakie helps Ash to his feet. ASH I got the best of him! He tried a piece of me, but I was too tough for him! Oh, yea...tough as nails, that's me! GOAKIE I believe you Ash, now come on, let's go. Goakie leads a still giggling Ash back to the stairs. CUT TO EXT. BUILDING Goakie, still helping Ash along, emerges from the building. The bright light of the sun beats down, blinding him, causing him to drop Ash. Goakie covers his eyes, rubbing them. Then, slowly, he looks towards the bright sky, smiling, tears running down his cheeks. Ash gets to his feet. ASH What’s wrong? GOAKIE The sun! I never thought I’d see it again. Goakie starts laughing. He turns and grabs Ash by the shoulders and starts shaking him excitedly. GOAKIE We did it Ash! We did it! Goakie starts dancing a victory jig, basking in the warm light of the sun. ASH Yea, yea, we did it. Now lets get back so I can get home. Ash leads Goakie back to the truck. They get in and drive away. No sooner do they leave than a large, shadowy figure rips itself from the darkness inside the building and into the doorway of the main entrance. An unscathed Guardian fills the doorway, watching the truck speeding off into the distance. His body begins to shake as a laugh erupts from his throat, echoing throughout the land... CUT TO INT. TRUCK Goakie rolls down his window as he drives, savoring the sunlight. Ash slumps in the passenger’s seat, exhausted. GOAKIE We did it Ash! I can’t believe it! We got the book! You're halfway home, buddy! A tired smile appears on Ash's face. The truck enters the dirt road going into the woods. A small, metal hand lies quietly in the bed of the truck...waiting. CUT TO EXT. CABIN The truck pulls up to the cabin. Goakie quickly hops out with the Necronomicon and runs to the other side to help Ash out of the car. The door to the cabin opens and everyone runs out to greet them. CARRIE Goakie! Can you believe it! MABLE The sun’s out! GOAKIE I know! Harold, help me get him out of the truck. Harold and Goakie help Ash out of the truck. MABLE Oh, my! Is he okay? GOAKIE Fine, just a little beaten up. Go inside and get the first aid kit. Mable runs inside. GOAKIE Carrie, help Harry get Ash inside. CARRIE Sure thing. Carrie and Harold help Ash inside. Louis approaches Goakie. LOUIS The book, where is it? Goakie hands Louis the book. LOUIS Gook work, my boy! GOAKIE Hey, was there ever any doubt? Louis slaps Goakie on the shoulder. LOUIS No, Goakie, I suppose there wasn’t. SARAH MAY Come now you two, stop dawdling, we gots a book to translate! Goakie, Sarah May, and Louis go inside. Then, the metallic hand crawls out of the truck and heads toward the cabin. INT. CABIN Ash is laying on the couch. Mable is bandaging his head while Carrie is applying Band-Aids. Goakie and the others enter from outside. Goakie joins them as Louis and Sarah May go to the study’s desk. They open the book and begin to look through it. GOAKIE How’s he doing? MABLE I’ve never seen a man with so many bruises. CARRIE What happened to him? GOAKIE Passed out. We really had a hard time out there. HAROLD Where's his hand? GOAKIE Oh, it tried to kill him again, so we had to get rid of it. MABLE It tried to kill him? Oh my! CARRIE Cool! Mable finishes bandaging Ash. MABLE Okay, he’s all patches up. Why don't we take him down to the spare bedroom in the cellar so he can rest. GOAKIE Good idea, Mable. Come on, help me move him... Goakie and Harold swing Ash’s arms over their shoulders and drag him to the cellar door which Mable and Carrie open. EXT. CABIN The metallic hand is crawling alongside the base of the cabin when it comes across a small hole in the ground leading under the cabin walls. It crawls inside it. INT. CABIN -- CELLAR The cellar is a far cry from the way it used to be. The floor has been carpeted and more lights have been added. There’s a dartboard on one wall, a table with a few magazines on it, and some shelves with canned food on them against a far wall. The room also contains an old bed. Other than that, the place is not much to look at. The four bring Ash down the stairs and start to lay him down on the bed. Ash begins to slip from Goakie’s grasp. GOAKIE Whoa, hold on guys, I’m loosing him... Mable unslings Goakie’s shotgun and lays it up against the wall by the bed. Goakie gets a better grip. GOAKIE Okay, that’s better. They gently lay Ash gently on the bed and then begin to head back upstairs. Mable stays by the bedside. MABLE You guys go on, I’ll be up in a bit... GOAKIE Suit yourself. The others leave Ash and Mable alone. INT. CABIN -- MAIN ROOM Louis and Sarah May are around the desk talking excitedly about what Louis is finding in the Necronomicon. Goakie and the others emerge from the cellar. He unslings his weapons, kicks off his boots and sits down in a chair while Carrie, and Harold gather around him. HAROLD Well, don't keep us in the dark Goakie, tell us what happened. CARRIE Yea, tell us all about! Spare no gory detail! GOAKIE Aw, come on, you guys have better stuff to do than listen to me... Carrie playfully hits Goakie’s shoulder. CARRIE Drop it, Goakie, you know you only do all that brave stuff so you can brag about it! GOAKIE Okay, all right, settle down. I’ll tell ya what happened. INT. OF CABIN WALLS The metallic hand is now crawling through the paneling of the walls when it comes across a lump under a dirty rag. It curiously pokes the lump which begins to squirm. With that, the metallic hand cautiously removes the rag... An old, severed hand lies beneath. It’s fingernails are long, its skin riddled with liver spots and blue veins. A jagged stump of bone sticks out from its wrist. It’s Ash’s original hand! The hand gets up, immediately on alert at the presence of the new visitor. The two curiously size each other up. Squeals sound from one to the other in their own form of communication. Then, the two hands approach one another and lock their little fingers together in a “pinkie swear” coven. The closest thing they can get to a fiendish laugh erupts from them. INT. CELLAR Mable is gently checking Ash’s bandages, lifting them to see if the bleeding has stopped. Ash stirs, his eyes fluttering open. He gazes at Mable. MABLE How are you feeling? ASH Like I just went twelve rounds with a Mac truck. MABLE Well, we patched you up as best we could. We probably should have done more, but we only have one first aid kit. Ash looks at his bandaged body. ASH Looks like you did a pretty good job anyway. Ash starts to get up. Mable stops him. MABLE No, don’t try to get up, you need your rest. Ash plops back down on the bed. Ash looks around at the empty cellar. ASH Where am I? MABLE The cellar. We made it into a spare bedroom. It’s cool down here, and you can’t hear all the noise we make upstairs, so its nice and quiet too. ASH Where are the others? MABLE Upstairs, translating the book. Ash looks into Mable’s eyes. ASH So what are you doing down here? MABLE I just wanted to say thanks...thanks for bringing the sun back. Ash gives a shy smile. Mable slowly leans towards Ash and gently presses her lips on his forehead. ASH Yea, well...it was nothing. MABLE Rest for now. We’re all safe, thanks to you. Mable quietly gets up and heads for the exit. Ash’s eyes follow her movement. Before she goes, Mable turns around, her eyes meeting his for a brief moment. She waives at him... He smiles... She leaves. After she’s gone, Ash leans back, relaxing. His eyes drift shut, and he instantly falls into a gentle...quiet...sleep. INT. CABIN -- MAIN ROOM Mable comes up from the cellar, closing the door softly behind her. She’s just in time for the climax of Goakie’s story. GOAKIE And then the Keeper of the Book said, "I'm sorry, but you must state your answer in the form of a question." Then Ash asks "Say, where’d you get that third eye?" and the Keeper says "Third eye?" Then BAM! Next thing I know, Ash has the shotgun in his hand and the guy in the robe has a hole the size of a grapefruit in his head! Louis, who’s been busily translating the book suddenly freezes, stopping what he’s doing. He whirls around and looks at Goakie. SARAH MAY Louis, what’s wrong? CARRIE A grapefruit? Wicked! GOAKIE And then I go and grab the book, but then this huge guy with the biggest friggin’ sword you've ever seen shows up, and Ash-- Louis jumps to his feet. LOUIS Goakie! Goakie stops his story cold and looks at Louis. GOAKIE What? LOUIS Are you saying that you stole the book? GOAKIE Well, yea, I guess you could say that. Why? Louis turns his attention back to the Necronomicon and starts rapidly flipping pages back and forth until he finds a page with a picture of the Keeper on it. He runs his finger down the page, skimming the text, and suddenly stops at a line. GOAKIE Louis, is something wrong? Louis gives off no sign of hearing Goakie. All eyes are on him as Louis’s face visibly drains of color. His lip trembling when he speaks. LOUIS Dear God in heaven... INT. CABIN -- CELLAR Ash is asleep on the bed snoring slightly when the two hands crawl out of a little mouse hole in the far wall and scurry to either side of the bed. The hands pull out some spare sheets from under the bed, then begin to climb up the bedposts, sheets in tow. INT. CABIN -- MAIN ROOM GOAKIE Louis? What's the matter? Louis snaps out of his shock and faces Goakie. He speaks low and rapidly, his voice conveying an edge of urgency to it. He approaches Goakie. LOUIS Tell me, there was a robed figure there, wasn't there? GOAKIE Yes. LOUIS And he asked you three questions in order to obtain the book? GOAKIE Yes. LOUIS Did you answer them all correctly? Goakie hesitates. LOUIS Did you? GOAKIE Well, maybe we didn't answer every single little part of the questions right, no, but basically, we got them all right. Louis slaps his hand to his forehead, his face contorted with disbelief. LOUIS Good Lord! GOAKIE Louis, tell me what's wrong! LOUIS Quickly, did anything strange happen after you took the book? GOAKIE Louis, I-- LOUIS Answer me! Everyone looks at Louis with surprise at his tone of voice. Louis gives an exasperated sigh. LOUIS Did a strange man appear with a sword? GOAKIE Well, yes, he tried to kill us. LOUIS You fool! Do you realized what you have done? INT. CELLAR Ash’s head is resting on a pillow. Suddenly, a dart whizzes by, embedding itself into the headboard of the bed. The two hands are at the foot of the bed, darts from the dartboard are piled in front of them. The metallic hand picks up a dart and throws it, aiming at Ash’s face... Ash sleepily moves his head to one side as the dart flies by and embeds itself into the pillow, missing his head by inches. The metal hand snaps its fingers in annoyance. The original hand is now up. It lifts the dart... ...aims... ...and throws. Suddenly, Ash rolls his head to the other side of the pillow just as the 2nd dart misses him, it too sticking in the pillow. Ash’s eyes flutter open. He sleepily looks around and snaps awake when he sees the hands. ASH What the-- Ash tries to get up, but can’t. He looks around... Ash’s arms and legs have been tied to the bedposts with sheets! The metallic hand picks up a dart. Ash glances from side to side and sees the darts alarmingly close to his head. Ash starts to struggle frantically against the bonds. The metallic hand slowly takes aim, lining up the dart with Ash’s head... One of the bedposts that Ash’s arm is strapped to starts to crack... WHOOSH! The hand lets the dart fly, speeding straight for Ash. With a burst of strength, Ash breaks the bedpost off, whipping his arm in front of his face in a defensive posture. The dart buries itself in the wooden post still tied to his arm. Ash looses no time, quickly unbinding himself as the two hands begin to scurry away. Ash hops out of the bed and then freezes at the sight of his original hand. ASH YOU!!!! His hand turns to face him. Then, in a mocking gesture, it extends its pointer and pinkie finger in the classic “bull horns” fashion, mimics head-banging for a second, and then scuttles off. ASH So, you two little rascals have teamed up together, eh? Well go ahead and hide, you little boogers! You'd better hide, because... While Ash is speaking, the two hands sneak up behind him by his feet, and start to tie his shoelaces together. ASH (cont.) ...if I ever get my hand on you, you're going to be missing a couple of digits, you hear me? The hands stick a match in the sole of his shoe, light it, and scurry away. ASH Come on out and fight like hands! I dare ya! Just try me, one more time! Ash’s nostrils are assaulted with the stinging smell of smoke. ASH Smoke? That can’t be, if there's smoke, then something must be on... Ash looks at his leg. The match in his shoe has engulfed his pant leg in... ASH FIRE!! Ash begins to run around frantically, looking for something to put his leg out with. The two hands give each other high five’s. INT. MAIN ROOM GOAKIE Louis, what are you saying? LOUIS I'm saying that when you and Ash stole the book, you violated the ritual which you needed to follow to get it! GAOKIE But we did get it! LOUIS No you didn’t! You stole it! GOAKIE Well, what were we supposed to do? He wasn't just going to let us have it! LOUIS I don't know. What I can make out from the book is that if this ritual is violated, the Guardian of the Book... Louis turns a page to reveal a picture of the Guardian, sword smeared with blood, standing among a pile of corpses. LOUIS (cont.) ...a dark being of unspeakable evil and power, will be resurrected to protect it. If the book is stolen, he will assume the power to resurrect and control an army of the dead, which will stop at nothing to regain it! CARRIE So what if he can control an army of the dead. We're safe here, right? LOUIS You don't understand, my dear. The evil has a terrible hunger for the Necronomicon, and will stop at nothing to get it. (to Goakie) Once you stole the book and brought it here, you left behind a lifeline which gives the evil a way to return! Louis’s words sink in with grim realization. GOAKIE You mean... SARAH MAY We are no longer safe here. INT. CELLAR Ash rips the sheets off the bed and pats down his leg, killing the fire as the hands regroup. Then, Ash sees Goakie’s pump-action shotgun propped up against the wall, the light glimmering off its polished blue steel. Ash’s eyes glaze over, relishing the sight. The two hands scurry towards the bed... Suddenly, Ash rises from behind the bed, 12 gauge in hand, catching his two assailants at point blank. The hands screech to a halt. A wicked smile creeps across Ash's face. INT. MAIN ROOM SARAH MAY Louis, how long until the evil arrives? LOUIS Hard to say. At least not until sundown. SARAH MAY Can you complete the translations by then? LOUIS I think so, yes. SARAH MAY Well then, get to it! Louis returns to the desk and begins the translations again. SARAH MAY All right everyone, we haven't much time, so here's what we need to do-- Suddenly, a thunderous boom rumbles throughout the house. INT. CELLAR Ash tosses the shotgun in the air, catches it with his hand, pumps it, and slides his hand back down to the trigger. He shoots at the hands again as they scurry around in a panic. ASH Yea! Come on, come get some! Yea! Ash sees his original hand scurrying by. Ash takes aim, and shoots. He misses the hand by an inch, the force of the blast knocking it down, onto its back. Ash hovers over the hand, thrusting the barrel of the gun down towards it. ASH Wave "bye-bye!" Suddenly, trickles of blood come out of the buckshot hole caused by Ash’s last blast and starts to spiderweb across the floor, rushing up against Ash’s shoe. Ash glances downward, watching the trail flow out of the hole. Ash’s eyes grow wide... Then, blood vomits from the hole. CUT TO INT. MAIN ROOM SARAH MAY What is that sound? MABLE Oh my God! What if the evil is already here!? GOAKIE That's not the evil. Those were gunsho-- Suddenly, a geyser of blood bursts open the cellar door, catapulting a screaming Ash across the room. Goakie and the others watch, stunned, as Ash lands on the other side of the room, crashing down on top of Louis, knocking the old man onto the floor...hard. GOAKIE Shit! Goakie and Harold rush over the cellar door, leaning on it to make it close. Mable and Carrie rush over to attend to Ash while Sarah May looks over Louis. MABLE Ash! Ash, speak to me! ASH M...Mable? CARRIE You okay? ASH I think so. Sarah May lifts Louis’s arm up and lets go, watching it limply dropping back down. SARAH MAY He's out cold! Sarah May glares angrily at Ash. SARAH MAY You fool! You've doomed us all! Now the translations won’t be done in time! ASH (to Mable) What's she talking about? MABLE Ash, when you stole the book from the Keeper, you violated some sort of ritual. By bringing the book back here, the evil was given a passageway to return to the woods! This cabin can no longer protect us. ASH You mean the evil is coming here? SARAH MAY Yes you idiot! And it's all your fault! Mable helps Ash to his feet. ASH Bag it, crone. I wasn't talking to you. Ash turns to Goakie. ASH So it is coming. GOAKIE Yes. Possibly a whole army of the dead, all led by the Guardian, that guy with the big sword. He's the protector of the Necronomicon, and he has the power to resurrect the dead to help him regain it. ASH Him again? How much time do we got? GOAKIE A few hours until sunset. ASH Good. Then we have time to prepare. SARAH MAY What! Prepare? You mean you expect us to fight these things? ASH Well, how else do you think we'll get rid of them. All we need to do is hold them off until Louis regains consciousness and finishes the translations. SARAH MAY You're crazy! You'll get us all killed! ASH Shove it where the sun don't shine, Bubba. Just because we're about to face a couple hundred almost unkillable zombies, doesn't mean we don't have a chance. SARAH MAY Well, I never... ASH What? Went on a diet? What's your sign, baby, "eat at Joe's." SARAH MAY Why you...you...you... ASH Save it for someone who cares thunderthighs, right now, I've got work to do! Ash turns to Mable, leaving Sarah May flabbergasted. ASH Mable... MABLE Yes, Ash? ASH I need you, Carrie, and Pork Barrel over there to work on Louis. Try to get him back so he can finish the translations. He turns to Goakie. ASH Goak, go out into the woods and set as many booby traps as you can. We're gonna need them if there's gonna be a lot of these zombies. GOAKIE I'm on it! ASH Harold... HAROLD Yea. ASH Come on, we've got some work to do. Ash starts walking outside. HAROLD Where are we going? Ash turns to him. ASH To the workshed. CUT TO INT. WORKSHED Ash flings open the door and walks inside, Harold in tow. He picks up the chainsaw and tosses it to Harold, who goes to his workbench and starts to take out some tools. INT. CABIN Mable takes out her first aid kit and starts to tend to Louis while Carrie and Sarah May are in the kitchen, chopping up various kinds of vegetables. INT. WOODS Goakie is busy digging a big hole in the ground. Beside his is a tent tarp, some rope, and a few tent stakes. INT. WORKSHED Ash raids the armory, tossing open chests and taking anything useful out of them--handguns, knives, rifles, shotguns, an AK-47... INT. CABIN The women gather around a blender pouring in the vegetables, some coffee grounds, Tabasco sauce... INT. WOODS Goakie breaks a branch off of a tree and carves it into a pointy stick with his knife. He tosses it on a big pile of wooden stakes and breaks off another branch... EXT. WORKSHED Ash is rolling up some of the big tires from the rubber pile towards Harold, who’s lowering in the rebuilt engine into Goakie’s truck. INT. CABIN The women pour a liquid from the blender into a cup and take it over to Louis, pouring the concoction down his throat. INT. WOODS Goakie braces some large boards against one of the bigger trees in the forest. He then starts to carefully saw through the tree... INT. WORKSHED Harold helps to strap some handguns to Ash... INT. CABIN Louis awakes... INT. WOODS Goakie is covering a large rope net with dead leaves. INT. WORKSHED Ash slips a shotgun’s double-barrel in a sheath attached to his left leg while Harold puts the barrel of the AK-47 in a strategically placed sheath on Ash’s back... The bandage on Ash’s head unravels a bit, the tail ends flowing off to one side like a makeshift headband... Ash drapes a roll of bullets across his torso as Harold gets the chainsaw... Ash sticks his wrist into the clamp installed into the chainsaw, locking the machine to his arm. Ash pulls the starter cord, awakening the chainsaw from its slumber. ASH Bitchin. INT. CABIN The girls help Louis back to his desk. LOUIS How long was I out? SARAH MAY Too long. Get to work, it's almost sunset! Sarah May rushes Louis to his desk. Goakie enters the cabin. GOAKIE The traps are all set. Where's Ash? ASH Right here. Ash stands in the doorway for a moment, a breeze whipping the tail ends of his bandages. He steps inside the cabin like he owns the place, light glinting off a piece of breastplate armor made from the hood of a car. CARRIE Wow, look at him. MABLE Are those bullets you’re wearing? GOAKIE That looks like the hood of my car! SARAH MAY What the hell is that thing on your arm? ASH This is a chainsaw I had Harold modify for me. HAROLD My best work by far. I call it “The Mega-Weapon of Doom.” Cool huh? GOAKIE How’s it work? HAROLD Its really simple. The MWD is three weapons in one. Its a chainsaw, a shotgun, and a machine gun all rolled into a nifty little arm encasement. There’s a set of switches here on the machine that change the weapon setting. The chainsaw blade is retractable and all you have to do to shoot is pull the starter cord. This button here reloads. GOAKIE Wow. ASH Yea. Well, Whaddya say kid? Ready to kick some evil ass? GOAKIE I was born ready. ASH Good. Now get some weapons and meet us out front. Goakie hurries outside. Ash turns to Harold. ASH You too Harry, and bring the car out front. HAROLD Got ya! Harold rushes out. ASH Now ladies, while we men are out there fighting these...things, we’re going to need you to stay here and fortify the cabin. Re-enforce the doors and windows with firewood, chairs, other doors, whatever. We need this place sealed up tighter than a frog’s patoot. And be sure to bring in ALL the guns from the workshed. Got it? The women nod. ASH Good. Now, I gotta get going. Ash turns to leave. SARAH MAY Now wait just one minute there... Ash stops and turns to face her as she approaches him. SARAH MAY Now look here, boy. You an’ me, we’ve haven’t seen eye to eye on things, and frankly, I don’t like ya, but I admire what it is you’re trying to do here. I want you to look after my boy Harold out there tonight. He’s all I got left that still means something to me. Ash nods solemnly. ASH I will. I promise. SARAH MAY Good. Now hold on, I reckon Mable’s got something she wants to say to you. Sarah May leaves and Mable approaches him. MABLE Ash I...I just wanted you to know-- Ash gently touches a finger to her lips, silencing her. ASH Plant a big one on me baby. Ash draws Mable towards him, bending her backwards slightly as he gives her a big, passionate kiss. MABLE Oh, Ash, please be careful! I’m running out of bandages! Ash and Mable share a nervous laugh. MABLE Ash, what about...well, when this is all over, what’s going to happen to us? ASH The problems of two people don't amount to a shit of beans in this world, kid. But sometimes, just sometimes, if the shit stinks bad enough, and the beans are big enough, then they start to matter. Just you remember that. And don't worry, after this is over, we’ll all go back and keep this awful future from ever happening... MABLE Oh, Ash, you’re wonderful! ASH No Mable, I’m the king... He draws her near again. ASH Hail to the king, baby. Ash and Mable kiss, one last time, as the sun sets behind them... CUT TO SUNSET The sun sinks below the horizon, turning the sky’s skin to black once more. CUT TO A GRAVEYARD A sea of gravestones expands over an emense area. As the sun sets, darkness descends over the land, crawling over the graves, engulfing them... consuming them. A heavy mist wafts in, blanketing the ground, leaving only the heads of the gravestones to peek over its cover. From the depths below the mist, the Guardian rises, draped in the unholy fog. The Guardian raises his arms to the sky and shouts to the heavens, his voice resounding throughout the graveyard. GUARDIAN I call upon the Depths below, and Heaven above, Scorch this Earth that is stained with blood, Recall the souls from the slumber of their pyre, And consume thy flesh with your unholy fire... The tombstones above the mist begin to shake... GUARDIAN Come my master! Sow your evil! Control the meek, the weak, the feeble! Draw your sword! The time is right! Come, purge the Earth this very night! The Evil Force appears, running towards the Guardian through the fog... GUARDIAN Grant me your power, right here and now, As I speak your words...Rollondu... The Force gets closer... GUARDIAN ...Terraforma... ...closer... GUARDIAN KLATGOW! The Evil Force reaches the Guardian. A brilliant inferno of lightning tears forth from the sky, bathing the Guardian in its power as it shoots from him along the ground, clearing the mist as it goes... The lightning seeps into the ground, violating the graves, attacking their contents. The earth begins to move as long dead hands break the virgin soil as decaying bodies come climbing back up to the surface. GUARDIAN Yes! Yes! Come to me! Arise! Arise my soldiers! My legion of darkness! My army of EVIL DEAD! The rising dead all erupt along with their leader in a unanimous scream, their Godless voice reaching up into the sky, tearing into the distance... CUT TO EXT. ROAD INTO WOODS -- NIGHT The Guardian is leading his massive band of deadites to the woods. CUT TO INT. WOODS Ash, Goakie, and Harold are hiding in the dark among the trees, watching the hundreds of dead march toward them. HAROLD My God! There's so many of them! ASH Yea, well they may have the numbers, but we've got the guns. GOAKIE What good are guns going to do against all that? ASH Probably nothing, but that's beside the point. You let me handle them, you worry about springing the trap when I give the signal, got it? Ash gets up and starts to walk away. HAROLD Ash, wait! ASH Yea. HAROLD What's the signal? ASH When I start running away screaming "Help, help!", that's your que. HAROLD Oh, okay. GOAKIE Good luck. ASH Thanks. Ash walks off into the woods. CUT TO EXT. ENTRANCE TO WOODS The dead enter the forest and begin marching in the direction of the cabin. Goakie, still hidden, follows as they move deeper into the woods. The deadites start to march through a clearing in the forest when suddenly a shot rings out, booming through the air. They all stop, and look around for the source of the noise. ASH Hold it, right there, you big nasties! Ash steps out of the forest and into the clearing, the shotgun barrel from his MWD smoking. The deadites all stare at him. GUARDIAN You! ASH That's right, it is me. I'm here to tell you all, that you've got about a cat’s chance in a Chinese restaurant of getting that book back. So why don't you save yourselves a lot of trouble, and go on back to where you came from. GUARDIAN Who will stop us? You? ASH Uh-huh. That's right. The Guardian gives off an evil laugh that spreads throughout the deadites. GUARDIAN You think that a single puny mortal can stop us? ASH Puny mortal or not, I remember teaching you a lessen in ass kicking 101 last time we met. At that, the Guardian’s laughter abruptly stops, as does that of the others. GUARDIAN You did not defeat me! ASH Oh yea? I threw you down an elevator shaft! What do you call that? The Guardian hesitates a moment, searching for words. GUARDIAN A tie! ASH A tie!? Okay, if I didn’t win, then how come I have the book? The Guardian stares at Ash silently for a moment, then turns to his legion of evil dead. GUARDIAN Kill him! The dead begin to move toward Ash. ASH What's the matter chief? Afraid to take me on yourself? You let your goons do the dirty work for ya, you pansy? You panty-waist, mama’s boy! What are ya? Chicken? I think I hear Colonel Sanders a calling...he want’s his wife’s dress back-- GUARDIAN ENOUGH! Get back here! All of you! NOW! The dead back off Ash and return to their ranks behind the Guardian. GUARDIAN You wish to fight me? ASH Yea. Call it a rematch. You and me, one on one, mono a mono, fight to the finish, man vs. evil creature of darkness. What do you say? GUARDIAN I say... The Guardian unsheathes his sword. GUARDIAN Prepare to DIE! Ash detaches the shogun from his arm and flips a switch. The chainsaw blade springs up. He pulls the starter and the chainsaw roars to life. ASH Let's get it on. The Guardian readies his weapon, as does Ash. The two adversaries glare at each other, and for a moment, everything--everyone is silent. Then, the Guardian cries out and charges towards Ash... Ash returns the cry and rushes to meet him... ...they reach one another... The Guardian swings, Ash swings, Sparks fly as the teeth of the chainsaw bite at the black steel of the sword. The battle has begun. CUT TO INT. CABIN The women are all busily fortifying the cabin while Louis is still hurriedly writing down the translations of the book. Mable is boarding up the windows, Carrie’s re-enforcing the doors, and Sarah May is bringing weapons from the workshed into the cabin. As Louis is writing, the tip of his pen starts scratching the paper, running out of ink. Louis annoyingly shakes it. LOUIS Damn! Suddenly Ash’s disembodied hand gives him a new pen. LOUIS Oh, thank you! Louis takes the pen and starts to write again, then stops. Louis slowly turns his head and looks at the hand. It waves to him. Louis’s eyes grow wide. LOUIS Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Louis jumps back out of his chair. The metallic hand hops to the desk and, along with the original hand, grabs the translations and scurries off. LOUIS Stop them! They have the translations! The women stop what their doing and look at the hands as they run by. LOUIS We haven’t much time! Stop them, for the love of GOD! Mable and Carrie immediately stop what their doing and start to chase after the elusive hands along with Louis. CUT TO INT. WOODS -- CLEARING Ash is fencing with the Guardian with the chainsaw, but is being hampered with the MWD’s weight against the skillful sword of the Guardian. Then, the Guardian swings around in a masterful perry. Ash is barely able to bring up us chainsaw in time to deflect the blow, which knocks him off balance and onto the ground. The Guardian raises his sword and swings it downward. Ash brings up the chainsaw and blocks the sword. The Guardian leans his full body weight into the clash, bringing the edge of both weapons towards Ash. GUARDIAN Savor this moment, foolish mortal! It shall be your last. Quickly, Ash draws out a handgun-- BLAM BLAM BLAM He starts unloading the clip into the Guardian, the bullets tearing through the dark giant, ripping apart his armor and forcing him back from Ash. Ash rolls to his feet, retracting the chainsaw blade and attaching the shotgun barrel in one swift move. Ash fires... Ka-BANG! The Guardian’s chest explodes as the shells cut into him, making him drop his sword. Ash fires again, and again, and again. A hole rips into the Guardian’s torso. The demon falls to his knees and slumps limply backwards. ASH Savor that! Ash approaches his fallen adversary and looks down upon him. ASH Had enough? Or ya hungry for more? Ash laughs triumphantly... ...at least until the Guardian’s arm shoots up and grabs his neck. CUT TO INT. CABIN Mable is chasing after Ash's original hand, which artfully dodges her at every step. Carrie and Louis, however, have succeed in getting hold of the metallic hand. Louis is holding it still, while Carrie plays a game of tug-of-war with it over the pages. Mable corners the other hand and dives for it. The hand scuttles away just in time to escape being caught, letting Mable land hard on the floor. The hand runs for a nearby mousehole when suddenly, a foot comes crashing down on it, pinning it to the ground. Sarah May towers over the hand, taking the pages from it. She lets out a loud whistle. The metal hand stops fighting over the pages for a moment and notices that she has its pal pinned under her foot. SARAH MAY Listen up, you. If you don't want your friend here to get hurt, I suggest you let go of those pages...NOW! The metal hand hesitates. Sarah May puts more weight on her foot. The hand shrieks in pain over the sound of crunching bones. The metallic hand lets go of the pages. SARAH MAY Good choice. Now get outta here! She kicks the hand under her foot against a far wall. Louis drops the metal hand which runs off to help its friend. Sarah May returns the translations to Louis. SARAH MAY Get busy Louis, we ain't got all day! LOUIS Yes ma'am! Louis hurries to his desk as Sarah May turns to Carrie and Mable. SARAH MAY You too! Get going! Carrie and Mable busy themselves with the fortifications once again. SARAH MAY Let's just hope Ash can hold those monsters off just a bit longer. CUT TO EXT. WOODS -- CLEARING A fully healed Guardian is dangling a furiously struggling Ash off of the ground by his neck. GUARDIAN You can not defeat me! With that, Ash pulls out a knife and embeds it in the Guardian’s shoulder blade. The Guardian lets go and staggers back in pain. Once back on the ground, Ash pulls out a grenade, ripping the pin out with his teeth. ASH Catch! Ash tosses the grenade and hits the deck. BOOM! The explosion sends the Guardian flying across the clearing, smashing him into a tree. Ash gets up to his feet and looks at the Guardian, his body slumped against the plant’s dead bark. Ash wearily gets to his feet. He looks at the still body of the Guardian and smiles. ASH I won? HA! I did it! I-- Ash’s joy disappears as he sees the Guardian stir. Mist oozes from his wounds, healing his broken body. The Guardian gets to his feet, healed and refreshed. He picks his sword up from the ground as Ash looks on in disbelief. The Guardian raises his arm, pointing the sword at Ash. GUARDIAN Now, its my turn. Ash gulps...hard. A primal war cry erupts from the Guardian’s throat as he charges towards Ash, sword in hand... Quickly, Ash takes off the shotgun barrel and extends the chainsaw blade as he runs to meet his adversary. They run closer... ...closer... Suddenly, no more than a few feet from the demon, Ash trips over a small rock, rolling as he hits the ground. The Guardian, too close to avoid it, trips over Ash, somersaulting in the air, letting go of his sword and landing on his back. About a second later, the sword falls, impaling the Guardian in the chest. The Guardian cries out in pain. He grabs the sword to pull it out-- CLANG! In a great swooping arc, Ash, on his feet, swings the chainsaw, and with the spark of metal kissing metal, cuts through the sword, along with the Guardians hands. The Guardian yelps in agony. Ash pounces upon him, chainsaw swinging, cutting through the Guardian’s body, flinging bits and pieces of his anatomy left and right, blood spraying as he goes, staining the ground, until finally there is nothing left but a lumpy, fleshy pulp. Ash, bruised and bloody, raises himself to his feet, triumphant. He turns to the mass of demons before him, smiling. ASH Aw, yea! You see that? Huh? Do ya? You want some of that? Huh? Cause if you do there's plenty to go around! He walks up to a nearby evil dead, grabbing it by its tattered garment. ASH You want some of that? Come on, just say so! I dare ya! The demon is silent. Ash pushes it to the ground. ASH I didn't think so. All of the deadites turn their attention to Ash, who’s confidently parading around before them. ASH Any of you want some of this? Huh? You want a piece of me? Well come on, come to papa! There's plenty for everyone! The dead slowly look at each other, then slowly, one by one, they focus back on Ash. Suddenly, Ash realizes that he just mouthed off to lots of evil zombies that want to kill him. ASH Oh, shit. Ash turns and runs, the dead rushing after him. ASH Help! Help! Goakie quickly emerges from the forest. He has a flashlight in each hand and begins flailing them around wildly. GOAKIE Now! Harold, NOW! A roaring sound vibrates through the woods as a gigantic monster truck tears through the dead wood of the trees and into the clearing. It’s Goakie’s old truck, refitted with huge tires. it’s hood is missing, revealing an over-sized souped up engine. A ramming battlement is fitted on the front, and metal claws stick out of the large tires that tear into the dry earth, leaving uprooted dirt in their wake. Truely a vehicle worthy to be called the successor to the Deathcoaster. The deadites turn, frozen in the headlights of the vehicle as it rolls over them, crushing their bodies and ripping them to shreds. HAROLD Yeeeee-HAW! Harold steers the Deathcoaster 2 over to intercept Ash’s pursuers. Goakie runs out into the fray, rifle blazing, shooting everything in sight. Ash joins in with his chainsaw... In the heat of the battle, no one notices the lumpy pulp of the Guardian, as the mist once again engulfs him. Harold is rolling over deadites left and right, crushing them underneath his deadly creation as he blows its horn, sounding to the tune of “la cucaracha,” when suddenly, the vehicle’s headlights settle onto an entirely healed Guardian. HAROLD What the--? The Guardian hurls his broken sword at the Deathcoaster, embedding it into the machine’s engine and stepping out of the way. Harold looses control. The Deathcoaster smashes into the woods just as he jumps out, hitting the ground right by a group of really pissed off deadites. HAROLD Oh, no. The deadite’s pounce upon Harold... BLAM! Shotgun shells tear through the group before they reach their un-armed victim. Ash stands by Harold, shooting his shotgun extention at the zombies. ASH You all right? HARROLD Yea, thanks to you. Ash tosses him a gun. ASH Thank your mom. I have a feeling I should be more afraid of her than the evil. Goakie runs up to them. GOAKIE Your friends back Ash. Might I suggest a hasty retreat? ASH What? Ash sees the Guardian, standing larger than life among his troops. ASH You gotta be kidding! The Guardian points towards them, calling to his warriors. GUARDIAN Kill them! ASH RUN! The dead begin to chase Ash and the others as they retreat into the forest As the three are running away through the woods, Goakie stops for a moment at a large tree with a board braced against it. GAOKIE Cover me! On that que, Ash and Harold whirl around and open fire, trying their best to keep the dead at bay. Goakie kicks out the board and gives the tree a shove, sending it crashing down into the midst of the deadites, crushing a few of them. Goakie lets out a whoop. GOAKIE Yea! ASH Don’t just stand there...MOVE! They resume their running, the evil dead in hot pursuit. CUT TO INT. CABIN Sarah May breaks open the weapons chests. She reaches in and takes out a shotgun and a handgun. SARAH MAY Hurry girls, no time to spare! She tosses Carrie the shotgun and Mable the handgun. MABLE Oh, my... Carrie strokes the shotgun, eyes wide with amazement. CARRIE Cool! Sarah May looks at the two girls hesitantly. SARAH MAY On second thought... She grabs the guns back from them and gives Mable the shotgun and Carrie the handgun. CARRIE Hey! MABLE Oh, MY! EXT. WOODS Ash, Goakie, and Harold run around a dense sheet of dead leaves that cover the ground, the dead close behind. Suddenly, a rope net snaps up from underneath the blanket of leaves, capturing a few unlucky zombies as it closes around them. Ash and the others are nearing the cabin. ASH Where’s the next trap? GOAKIE Up ahead, be careful! They slow down slightly around a discolored patch of earth near the cabin and pick up speed once clear of it. GUARDIAN Hurry you fools! Get them! The dead race after them. Suddenly... The ground opens up, swallowing any demons unlucky enough to run over the patch of dirt. They fall into the small pit, impaled by the wood spikes staked at its base. INT. CABIN Mable is looking outside through a gun slot in a hastily fortified window. MABLE I see them! They’re coming! SARAH MAY Okay girls, time to show the boys how its done! Carrie, get the door, Mable, get in your position, Louis, get done with those damn translations! LOUIS I’m getting there! EXT. CABIN Carrie opens the door as Harold, Goakie, and Ash run up to the cabin. CARRIE Come on! Hurry! Harold rushes inside. Ash calls to Goakie. ASH Quick, get inside and get ready. I’ll hold them off. GOAKIE What are you going to do? Ash detaches his shotgun and unsheathes the machine gun nozzle. ASH Crack open a keg of whoop-ass. Ash snaps the nozzle in place and feeds in some of the ammo draped across his chest into the MWD. The dead approach... Ash jerks the starter cord... RAT-A-TAT-TAT Bullets escape from the confines of their shells as they rip into the decaying flesh of the evil dead, blood spewing from their wounds as the hot lead tears into their bodies. Ash opens his mouth in a cry of rage, drowned out by the incessant barking of the MWD as it vomits shell after shell onto the ground, hungrily gobbling up the ammo its master feeds it. The dead are tossed, left... ...to right... ...blood flows like rivers over the ground... All the demons are trapped in a gruesome ballet of destruction, lead by Ash, from which none can escape. Finally, the weapon consumes its last bullet, the shell falls to the ground as Ash lifts his arm and detaches the gun nozzle, smoke wafting up before his face. ASH Groovy. And with that, he hurries inside. INT. CABIN Once Ash is inside, Harold bars the door. HAROLD That was amazing! ASH I know. Louis, have you competed translating the passages yet? LOUIS Not yet! I’m almost done! Carrie looks out of the hole in the window. A good number of dead are still alive and are heading toward the cabin. CARRIE Oh God, oh God, they're coming! Ash turns to Mable. ASH Mable! MABLE Yes? ASH Load me, woman! With that, Mable grabs some more sheets of bullets from one of the chests and rushes to Ash, draping them across him and handing him some more shells. Sarah May approaches Harold. SARAH MAY Land sakes child! You gotta be fighting fire with fire! Use this. She grabs his handgun away from him, shoving a shotgun in his hand. HAROLD Thanks momma. EXT. CABIN The dead are approaching... INT. CABIN GOAKIE Places people! It’s showtime! Everyone runs to their places, pointing their guns out slits in the windows. Sarah May calls to Harold. SARAH MAY C’mon boy! Lets show these evil bastards how we do things in KEN-TUCKY! With that, gunfire erupts from the cabin, ripping into the oncoming zombies. Many fall, but more approach, a seemingly endless lifeline of zombies are still pressing towards the cabin. Within the mass stands a single, dark figure who towers above them all, not harmed by the bullets which tear into him. INT. CABIN The sound of gunfire is deafening. Mable is scurrying about, giving everyone ammo. Sarah May stops her firing for a moment and calls to Louis. SARAH MAY Louis! Louis’s hands are flying across the paper. LOUIS I need 2 more minutes! SARAH MAY You got one! EXT. CABIN The Guardian stands still, watching quietly as his troops fall, one by one... GUARDIAN Enough. He turns, looking deep into the darkness of the woods. GUARDIAN Terraforma entomolichu! INT. CABIN Suddenly, the ground shakes, causing all to stop firing for a moment and look around. ASH What the hell was that? All is silent. No sounds from the outside, no gunfire. Then, Louis slams his pen down, jumping up out of his seat, and turning to the others, translations in hand. LOUIS Finished! Suddenly, the cabin rocks violently, knocking Harold and Carrie off their feet, the walls shuttering from blows on the outside. EXT. CABIN The woods have come alive! Its trees, gnarled and twisted by the evil, attack the cabin, pounding on its walls. ASH Hurry up and recite them! Behind him, a boarded window explodes as the Guardian comes crashing through, landing on Ash. GUARDIAN DIE! The others quickly pounce on him, trying to get him off Ash. Louis starts to move forward to help as well. ASH NO! Recite the passages! The passages, damn it! The cabin’s roof gives in as a wooden branch crashes through it. Louis begins to read. LOUIS Camadotus lakese monecomdu, ferratah timdose... EXT. WOODS -- SKY A small spark lights up in the air. Then, the sky begins to swirl around the spark. INT. CABIN Zombies begin to enter the cabin. GOAKIE Shit! Goakie breaks off from the Guardian and begins to fire at the incoming dead. Carrie follows his lead. LOUIS Hamnibimnar, kakoodow domna... The Guardian struggles frantically against the combined might of the group. GUARDIAN NOOOOOOOO! EXT. WOODS -- SKY The sky rips open, a blue and white funnel opens as the vortex appears, sucking in the air around it. INT. CABIN LOUIS ...nermotow CARATISE! EXT. WOODS -- SKY The vortex expands, spreading across the sky, its powerful winds lifting up the bodies of the dead and the evil trees, sucking them and most of the dead up into oblivion. INT. CABIN The power of the vortex invades the cabin, lifting up furniture and loose papers The vortex begins to lift up Ash and the others, sucking up the deadites in the vicinity. Louis hangs onto the legs of his desk, the translations clutched in his hand and the Necronomicon in the other while Mable clutches onto the doorknob to the entrance. Carrie grabs her ankle. The Guardian grabs onto Goakie and tosses him into the kitchen, then knocks off Harold and Sarah May. Harold quickly braces himself against a windowsill and grabs on to his mother to keep her from flying off. The Guardian grabs Ash’s throat in a deathlock as they are lifted off the ground. Ash struggles viciously. GUARDIAN Puny mortal! I’ll rip out your throat, and feast upon your soul! Ash reaches down and kicks his MWD, the chainsaw blade springs up. Ash grasps the starter cord with his teeth and pulls, bringing the chainsaw to life. ASH Feast on this! Ash rams the blade into the Guardian’s head, sawing through his scull and ripping through his torso. With another swing, Ash cuts off the Guardian’s hands, sending the body flying off into the vortex. Ash grabs onto a light fixture on the ceiling to be kept from being sucked out the hole into the vortex. ASH Stop it! For God’s sake, Louis, stop it! Louis lifts the pages before his face to read them. LOUIS Callawoon srekamli... Suddenly, the two disembodied hands reappear and grab the book, jerking it away from Louis. LOUIS NO! The hands try to get away, but the winds of the vortex grab them and the book, lifting them up... Louis hollers to Ash over the roar of the vortex. LOUIS Quickly! Save the book! Without it, you can not get home! Ash quickly swings his legs around the light fixture and grabs the book with his free hand right before it flies out the hole. ASH Got it! Whoa--! The light fixture rips out of its socket, sending Ash half way out the opening, a single electrical wire connected to the ceiling his only lifeline. Mable calls from the doorway. MABLE Close the vortex Louis! Hurry! Louis turns his attention back to his translations. LOUIS Callawoo srekamli stignaka, lingo... Then, the hands that were holding onto the book grab on to Ash and slowly crawl down his arm. ASH Hey! Hey what’re you--? The hands reach Ash’s armpit and start to tickle him. ASH Hey! Hey...ha...cut it out...ha ha....STOP IT! Ash squirms around frantically as the hands tickle him. MABLE ASH! Ash inadvertently jerks his leg, snapping the small wire that held him to the cabin. ASH Whooooooaaaaaaaaaaa! Ash is pulled up to the vortex, book in hand and hands on arms as he flies up to the heavens. GOAKIE Ash! MABLE NO! Louis rapidly runs through the incantation, desperately trying to save Ash. LOUIS Umteribie joukicata, verabar konda sieterra crackdo xefar-- Ash flies closer to the vortex... LOUIS Xefar, ulanda xefar-- closer... LOUIS Kardom! Ash is sucked into the vortex as it closes around him. The wind dies and the sky heals itself, leaving only a serene moonlit sky in its wake. CUT TO INT. VORTEX Red, orange, and yellow rays of light streak by as Ash is flung through the vortex at an insane rate, his body shuttering due to the speed. Ash accidentally releases the book... A FLASH OF LIGHT Ash is slowly floating down a tunnel of light, weightless. He’s screaming, but no sound is heard, nothing but that of a beating drum... ...or a heartbeat. Suddenly, there is a violent explosion as Ash rips through the boundaries of time and space. CUT TO A CLOUDLESS SKY Ash emerges in a flash of light and drops to the ground, his fall broken by a dune of sand. Ash hits the dune and rolls onto a beach head, landing face first in the sand of the shore as water rushes up to greet him. Ash raises his face, spits out swallowed sand, and clears his eyes of the grain. The water rushes up again and splashes him, but this time Ash can see that its not water...its blood. Ash looks up and beholds an ocean of blood before him, stretching out into the distance as far as he can see. ASH Aaaaahhhhhh! Ash scrambles away from the horrid sight in terror, rushing blindly back up the beech, not able to tear his gaze away from the gruesome body of blood. Then, he runs into a stone pillar, knocking himself to the ground. Ash starts to warily get back to his feet when shadows descend upon him. Ash looks up and sees FOUR ROBED FIGURES Much like the Keeper of the Book hovering over him. Ash manages to squeal a question from his throat, his voice stained with fear. ASH Who...who are you? A voice resounds from the hooded figures, sounding from all of them, but at the same time, none of them. VOICE We are the ones who were and shall be again... A new voice sounds. VOICE Dormant no longer... VOICE We will have what is yours... VOICE LIFE! Ash raises himself to shaky knees. ASH Where am I? Ash looks around frantically. In the distance, tongues of flame dance above the horizon, consuming the land that was once there. A laugh erupts from the DARK ONES. ASH Where AM I? Ash stands on the beach, surrounded by the Dark Ones, near a large stone structure much like stone henge, but in the shape of a pentegram. The sea of blood rushes up onto the shore while the fire on the land scorches the earth. ASH WHERE THE HELL AM I??? His final plea is drowned out by the Dark Ones evil laughter. FADE OUT