L'Archer
d'or Magazine
The Golden Archer Review
1
I shall never act differently,
even if I have to die for it many times.
Socrates
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow
day for St. Peter, so, St. Peter says "Why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him the golf course, the reading room, the observation room, and finally,
they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
When asked about them, St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows
how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and
comes to the Gates."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than
others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a person tells a lie, it speeds his
clock."
This also makes sense, but the guy notices one clock in the
center of the ceiling.
On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to
use it as a fan." |
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Death and Taxes
Do you remember Joe Black's surprise when
hearing Drew associating Death and Taxes?
Well, here it is, the source of
it:
"...in this world
nothing is certain but death and taxes."
said it ?
Find the answer : here
An unknown clever man's idea on the subject:
"I don’t know why
they couple death and taxes.
--You only die once. "
Father and Son reunited
One day, Jesus was doing a tour
around Heaven when he suddenly came accross a very old man. He sat there on a fluffy cloud
with the saddest look Jesus ever saw since he left Earth.
Two days later, he passed by the
same old man, looking as desperate as before.
Jesus stooped and said:
"Heya, old man, why are you
so upset? Heaven is a cool place, the clouds are comfy, the heavenly opera orchestra is
playing subtel music, you have no worries anymore, what's up?"
"Oh well, said the old man,
it is just that I used to be a carpenter back on Earth and I lost a son at an early age...
I was foolish to hope finding him here."
"Father!" exclaimed
Jesus, overwhelmed.
The old man jumped to his feet and
open wide his arms:
"Pinocchio, my son!"
Come play Baseball in Heaven
Zack and Joe are sitting and wondering
if they will be able to play Baseball when they go to Heaven.
They both agree that the first one to
get up there will let the other one know, somehow.
Three months later, Joe dies. A few days
after the funerals, Zack hears a voice coming down from the clouds:
"I have a good and a bad news,
Zack", Joe's dematerialized voice says, "The good news is, yes! we can play ball
in Heaven,... the bad news is, you're pitching on Saturday"
Marketing and Sales
A drunken bus driver and
a respectable church minister arrive together at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter
interviews both of them to see what position they would get according to the service they
rendered during their past life.
When the minister
finished talking about all the good he did, Saint Peter said:
"Yes, yes, brother
you did good, and tried your best to bring many people to the house of Christ, but, I will
have to give our friend the bus driver a better rank than yours."
"Why, cried the
minister, all he did was drink and drive and he killed about ten people the day he himself
died in that bus accident"
"Yes, yes, I hear
you, but, all through his life, think how many people he got praying, may it be just to
get home safe!"
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At the Golden Archer,
we are not trying to make fun out of people's tragedies. We also are human beings and we
have also had to suffer the loss of some very dear ones, just like anybody. Read : Departure
The point here is to propose a
humoristic follow up to Martin Brest's movie, that's all.
Death and Birth...
Just an Ad
Mrs. Wickwam was very upset today
because she read her obituary in the local newspaper.
She rushed to the managing
editor's office and screamed to thetop of her voice.
Her reputation was washed down the
toilets, nobody would talk to her anymore, her social position had been destroyed by his
carelessness.
The poor editor tried to convey
his apologies but Mrs. Wickwan was way too angry to even consider letting him speak one
word.
Finally out of breath, she shouted
that the newspaper had better make it up somehow.
The editor leaned back in his
armchair:
"I'll tell you what Lady,
tomorrow, I'll publish your birth anouncement, this way, you'll get a brand new
start." |
Pride doesn't Pay Off
A woman named Shirley
was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked,
"Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek
implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her
hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of
it.
She walked out of the hospital lobby after the last operation and was killed by an
ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I
thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"
God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
The Cat is Dead
A guy returns from a long trip to Europe,having
left his beloved cat in his brother’s care.
The minute he clears customs, he calls his brother
and inquires after his pet.
“The cat’s dead,” replies his
brother bluntly.The guy is devastated. “You don’t know how much that cat meant
to me,” he sobbed into the phone.
“Couldn’t you have at least have given a
little thought to a nicer way of breaking the news? For instance, couldn’t you have
said, ‘Well, you know, the cat got out of the house one day and climbed up on the
roof, and the fire department couldn’t get her down, and finally she died of
exposure....or starvation...or something’?
Why are you always so thoughtless?
“Look, I’m really really sorry,”
says his brother. “I’ll try to do better next time, I swear.
”“Okay, let’s just put it behind
us. How are you anyway? How’s Mom?”
There was a long pause, “Uh,” the
brother finally stammers, “uh...Mom’s on the roof.” |
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James Baldwin interesting point
of view:
If you’re afraid to die,
you will not be able to live.
And Woody Allen's comment:
It’s not that I’m
afraid to die,
I just don’t want to be there when
it happens. |
I am ready to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal
of
meeting me is another matter. Winston Churchill
Links
One fun joke
Be careful with these links, I myself cannot go there, but, if you are
brave, here they are :
Stickman's
death
Dead People Server
Answers to
quizz:
Who said : Nothing is certain but death and taxes ? —
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