Some days are better then others. That's what I tell people, the people that listen and care anyway. Deep down, I suppose none of them really do. After all, with my history of paranoia and hypacondria, was should anyone believe I'm sick? Physically I'm amazing healthy for someone who never sleeps, eats junk and believes in moving only when I need to be someplace else or something's fallen asleep. Mentally, that's a whole other concern. I've studied psychology. Not, in long boring classes with tedious lectures and agonizing reports on topics that, if you cared about them at all when you started, quickly became the universe's most yawn inducing field of converstation. No, I read up on things on my own. That's the best way to learn things, without pressure and without having it forced onto you. I'm rambling aren't I? Where was I? Oh, yes, my mental stability or lack thereof. As, I said nobody would believe me and they've no reason to, really. I'm infamous for coming up with a new mental sickness for every day of the week, but even a liar tells the truth once in awhile. So, this time, I'm telling the truth. I spend a great deal of time, thinking, thinking about this and that. Concentrating on whatever guilt laden thing has decided to play with my mind that day. Guilt comes easier to me then most other emotions do and with guilt comes sadness and helplessness and with those comes anger. Anger at the world and myself. I bite my nails. This is a nervous habit and I think, subconsciously, it's a form of self preservation. I can't hurt myself if I don't have the nails and I've tried. Late nights, when it's dark and quiet and I can listen to the dark games skipping through my soul. I've scratched and scratched at my arms. Not wanting to die really, just to inflict a mark. Just to punish myself for whatever it was I'd done that day to make my brain mad at me. I did stupid things all the time. Most of these stemmed from my inability to act in certain situations. A sort of freezing of the being, as it were. There are times when the panic sets in so bad, that it takes all my strength not to curl up in a ball and scream. Of course, if I told anyone, they wouldn't believe me. I'm overreacting to nothing or just looking for attention or forgiveness. I don't want pity just something to make it all stop. Something to make all the darkness and pain go away. Something that will do away with the fact I'm deliriously happy one moment, and clawing at my arms the next. My arms take all my anger cause they're just more accessible since I always wear long pants. Another of my subconscious safety precautions? Could be, I've never really thought about it til now. My attention is slipping as it is wont to do and I may never finish this account into nothing. In the end, it won't matter cause as I've stated over and over nobody would believe me. Perhaps they're all right and it's all a lie so elaborate and elegant in it's telling that even I, the speaker of the lie, take in and believe it all as truth. It doesn't matter, either way, I'll live with this torture until my dying day because I'll live with the lies or the truth of the lies, whichever way it goes. There is no other path, for here I'm surrounded by cliffs.