Part Un:
You know, I'm really not sure about what you people think when you read my
columns about what is going on in my life. I just thought, I'd let ya know
that I'm really not looking for sympathy or whatever. I write my column
because it's the only way I can speak. I have this weird thing, called
Asperger's Syndrome, and it's really frustrating because it doesn't allow me
to talk. I'm being very serious here, this isn't a joke so try not to laugh.
You're probably saying, "Well, try to talk!" "Hang around, with people more.
Talk to them." You see, I can't do that. You know what? I love talking with
people. I guess, I would when I can't really talk with anyone. Conversation
is very important, it grows friendships, it lets more people know about who
you are. Conversations and talking mean everything in this world to me, if
you can't talk, you don't go anywhere. You don't gain friends, you can't find
a girlfriend. Imagine a psychologist who couldn't talk. Imagine a
psychologist who was there to help you with your problems, but couldn't even
speak. It just wouldn't work, out. You see, I'm in a very awkward position,
right now. Friends mean everything to me, people mean everything to me.
Friends bring you happiness. No wonder, I haven't been happy for ten years.
I've had no friends for ten years, yet my whole life. It's not because, I'm
an asshole or because I'm really ugly. Well, it's just really weird and
frustrating. Punks to me, are very caring people. The most caring people in
the world, because we open our minds and contribute to things the normal
society doesn't do. Except, it's really weird because I've been into punk for
three or four years, and since then I haven't even made one friend who was
into the same kind of music (other, than Andy because he got me into it). I
don't mean, a person that says "Hi" at shows, or whatever... I mean, a person
that wants to hang out with you, wants to call you, wants to spend time with
you. That's the kinda friend I want. "Hi" at shows, is fine and all, but it's
better to make the friendship go farther. I suppose, what I'm hoping is for
some "punks" or people who are into punk music to come up to me, to talk with
me. I know, I don't talk much, but just acknowledge that I'm there. Ask me
for my phone number, ask if I want to goto a show with you sometime, or hang
out and do whatever. Spark up a joint, anything. Or if you're straight-edge
or don't smoke weed, we'll just crack open a can of your favorite pop. It's
really frustrating, life is... That is. I sit in my house day after day,
wishing someone would call me to ask me if they want to go do something. You
wouldn't know how happy it makes me feel if someone asked me to do something.
I'm like, "What??? You want me to do something with you?" I like go crazy,
mentally. I'm like "Wow, somebody likes me." That may seem sad, to the normal
person. But, friends or people in general mean alot to me. You're probably
saying, "Call someone up, ask them to hang out with you or something." Well,
it isn't exactly that easy. I wish it was, I truely do. I've tried atleast a
thousand times to get the courage (Let me point out, it's not really
"courage" it's just my disorder that doesn't allow it, but I *do* try to beat
it, but I can't.) to ask someone for their phone number or ask them if they
want to hang out. It is so damn hard, 99.999% of the time, I can't do it. I
remember, when I was in grade 11, and there was this totally cool girl there,
who used to sit near me. She had a great personality, so one day I got the
guts to say "Hey, what's your phone number?" Sounds, easy doesn't it? Well,
for me it is the hardest thing to do. It took me atleast a year to ask her
for her number. I'm not really sure if any of you, will really understand
what I'm going through. I hope some of you do. Just imagine meeting the
coolest person in the world, and you can't even speak a word or write
anything down or talk to them in anyway. Imagine that. Wouldn't that suck?
That's what I'm going through, and it fucking blows. I'm not really sure, why
I'm spilling my guts about my life. Maybe, because I think punks are some of
the nicest people on this earth, so I'm hoping right now that you are. I'm
hoping you won't go around laughing at me. Not that it would really matter,
because if you're an asshole you're not even worth being my friend. You see,
I think I'm a totally nice guy, maybe too nice. But, oh well. Nice is good
isn't it? Everyone likes to be treated like human beings and not pieces of
shit. Mean people suck, as a patch said that I saw once. And, it's totally
true. So, anyways I guess what I'm trying to say, is come up to me, say hi.
Give me your number, ask if you want to do something sometime. Anything. Just
acknowledge me. I'm hoping with people doing this, that I will eventually
learn on how to talk fully and completely in a few years, I doubt it'll
happen but I'm willing to try. and, of course the only way I can start is if
I become friends with alot of people. And, that's why I'm hoping people talk
to me, and become my friend. You might think this is sad, but when someone
does acknowledge me, I get so happy I cry, sometimes literally but alot of
the time it's on the inside because I don't want to show people my tears.
Because, then they'll say "Why are you crying? What's wrong?" I'll be like,
"Nothing's wrong. I'm happy. Someone asked for my phone number." You know, it
seems kind of sad, but it means alot to me. I've never been treated good in
my whole life, when I see a good review of my 'zine, somewhere I cry
literally, I just ball my eyes out. Not because I'm sad, but because people
like it, then they like me. I need love and affection and all those good
things, so I know that I'm not a worthless human. I want to know, I mean alot
to people. Sounds simple, I think. Doesn't it? You know, I think Asperger's
Syndrome has to be one of the most shittiest thing in this whole world.
Imagine, not being able to speak. I mean, speak like communicate. Not like
say "Hi." or something simple. I can do that, everyone can. But, to speak and
to be able to actually start or help a conversation flow is another thing.
Two different things, don't ya think? But, sometimes I can't even say "Hi."
It's wierd. I don't understand it. You're probably just calling me shy, but
I'm not shy at all. I seriously am not. Well, anyways... It really sucks, I
mean *REALLY* sucks. I just don't know what to do. I want friends, who
doesn't? But, how can I get and keep a friend if I don't know how to
communicate? Can you actually call someone your friend who you don't even
talk to? You just hang around with? Can that work? I'm not sure, that it
could... What do you all think? It's really weird... well, it sucks plain and
simple. For all you weekend partiers, Imagine going to a party and not even
being able to say a word. Imagine like alot of people being there, and them
talking to each other like crazy, and you can't even say a word. I know most
people are just going to say, "Talk, it's easy... Just say something,
anything..." It isn't that easy. Fuck, I wish it was. You know, I really do.
For me, talking is the hardest thing in the world. Fuck, it's practically
impossible. I wish, I knew what would make me talk. That would be the best
thing in this world. Then I could actually show people how cool I am. I'm not
being ego-ish or anything, I'm just one of the nicest guys on this planet.
Except, you can't tell because I don't talk, so no one will ever know. Except
myself, which is kinda lame, but it's something I'll have to live with. This
'zine is the only way I can talk. I hope you don't mind me speaking my mind
in this thing, It was one of the reasons I started it. I started it for many
reasons, but I suppose to "speak my mind" was one of the main reasons, since
speaking is the most important thing on this earth. Since, I can't do it in
person I'll have to talk to you all people in these pages, here... I don't
think I'll ever stop doing a 'zine personally. I mean, it's the only way I
can speak, it's my life. I'm telling you everything about myself, because I
can't do it any other way. I think writing, in general is also very hard. I
guess, it's like writer's block. Sometimes, I say things over and over kinda
like a "broken record player" I'm really not sure, why this happens. But, I
hope you can over-pass it, and still read on, even if I do repeat myself once
in a while. Right now, I feel like I'm in my own little world. Sure, I'm
living still but I just don't seem "with it" I mean, alive. I'm not sure what
I'm trying to say... Maybe, I'm trying to say is that... when I go somewhere
or do something, it's like I'm just a shadow. It's like I don't exist. It's
like I'm a ghost.
Part Deux:
Right now, I am being eaten alive by a disease, if you could call it that.
It's called "Self-Esteem" or the lack of in my case. It's pretty shitty if
you ask me, and it's not easy to cure if you have no one to help you, and it
can be deadly. In my case, I have no one to help me. So, I don't know what to
do. I've been playing phone-tag with my Psychologist for the past month or
so, and it's pretty crappy. He's the only guy, who could lead me in the right
direction to tell me where I can find the place for a course or two on
building my self-esteem. Truthfully, even a course won't help me gain it.
It'll probably only tell me things, I already know. Though, I'm going to give
it a try. I think the best place to gain self-esteem is with frienships. I
mean, if you have friends you feel wanted, you feel like you are worth
living. It just makes you feel good and not lonely, like what I have been
feeling for the past ten or so years. For the past ten or so years, I haven't
had any friends. Well, actually, that's not true. For the past twenty years,
I have had no friends. Well, only two friends. Rob and Dan (Two homeboy's,
I've known since I was 10. Yes, Homeboy's, not punks.) The two coolest guys
on this earth, and probably the nicest, too. Next to me. <grin> Yup, it's
true, I just turned twenty, I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I suppose,
it's good because I'm not dead yet. Which is good, because I really do not
want to die. It's just hard not to die, when you're feeling like I do, and
you have no one to turn to or ask for help. Especially, when you can't even
ask someone for help. I know, none of you are going to understand my
Asperger's Syndrome, to tell you the truth, I don't even understand it. I
don't understand why I can talk to people through my 'zine and not in person
or on the phone. I truely do not get it. But, hey atleast I can talk to
people somewhere right? That sure is better, than holding it all in, and
eventually pulling the trigger or what not and killing myself, when I truely
do not want to die. The problem is, I seem like the only caring guy in this
whole world. I know that probably isn't true, but it feels that way. But,
maybe the world has Asperger's Syndrome like me, and doesn't know how to ask
me to go do something. I can actually count how many times someone has called
me in the last ten years, to ask me to do something with them. Isn't that
sad? In my case, it is. Do you want to know how many times it was? It was
around thirty times. Yes, thirty times, no exageration here. When someone
calls me up, I'm like "Wow, someone actually likes me..." People always ask
me, why I don't call them. I suppose, they know now. But, why don't they call
me? Do they have Asperger's Syndrome, too? I hope not, cuz if they do, I am
going to be one lonely boy. And, fuck that is not what I want. I am lonely
enough. Imagine never having friends. It's a pretty shitty feeling. There is
no real reason for me not to have friends, I'm one of the nicest (or the?)
guys in the world, truthfully. I am too nice, but I don't mind. Sometimes, I
do though. I mean, I am so nice, I wonder why no one else is as nice as me.
But, maybe I'm exagerating, maybe I'm not nice. Maybe, I'm an asshole. I only
think, I'm nice because with the very few people that know me, that pretty
well all have told me I'm very nice, or too nice. I'm also a very good
listener, you have problems, I'm the guy to talk to. (Of course, that's only
what I've found out, I've found people coming to me and not anyone else to
tell me about they're problems, it's weird since I can't talk back, but it
makes me feel real good to be able to help out when I can, I try my best.)
I believe, I was put here to help out best I can. I admit, I haven't done to
good a job for helping this world out, because I'm too wrapped up in my
problems. But, hey if someone is willing to help you me out with my problems,
then I'm going to start doing what I should of been doing since I was born,
which is to help people out in whatever way I can. Though, my motivation
problem gets in the way which is pretty shitty,  but I'll try to overcome it.
Even though, all through school I never did a single piece of work, because
of my motivation disorder. Though, truthfully I do not know if it is a
motivation disorder. It could be some other un-known mental problem. You all
are screaming, "LAZY!!" I can hear it, right now. Loud and clear. But, you
know what? You're all wrong. I am the most hard working guy in this whole
world, I truthfully am. No fibbing here. I work so god damn hard when I get
down to it, that in a few years or weeks or months, I'm so burnt out, I have
to go onto another job or what-not. That's the truth. Though, since jobs are
so hard to find I usualy just stick to the same job, and get even more burnt
out. And in time, with all the burn out, it ends up ruining my performance. I
start doing shitty work, and shittier work and all of a sudden, I'll end up
being fired. Though, that hasn't happened yet. But, I'm sure it will someday
soon. Anyways, what I mean by my motivation disorder is, I can't do things
myself. I need someone to say go do something with me, sounds wierd doesn't
it? Here's an example... Say, I want to volunteer for some place, I need
someone to call them up and ask them what it's about, hook me up with an
appointment, and then come with me to check it out. I'm not sure, why I'm
this way. After that, I can pretty well do everything on my own, almost. I'm
just really scared when it comes to new things, I have a really hard time
getting myself mentally to go do something even though I know I really want
to do it. Is this normal? Please, let me know. I personally think, it has to
do with my mental handicap, but I'm not sure. Right now, I'm starting to
think I am lazy. But, truthfully I'm not really sure if I am or not. I
suppose, I could possibly be lazy, but I think most of it has to do with my
mental problem. Though, I don't know... I apologize for rambling on for so
long.
Part Trois:
You all, know I have Clinical Depression, I believe. The Psychiatrists said
I've probably had it since I was born, which was about 20 years ago.
Personally, I'm not sure. I can't really remember past when I was 10 years
old, actually I wouldn't want to. It was not a fun ride, that's for sure. I
rememeber when I was 10 years old, telling everyone I wanted to kill myself
and crying my eyes, out. I really didn't know what the hell was going on, I
still don't understand why I'm like this. I have no clue. Everyone's like,
there must be a reason, figger it out. Who knows, it could be anything. But,
I really don't think it came from anything. It just happened. Personally, I
think Happiness is the most important thing in this world. Don't you all
agree? Happiness is the key to survival in this lame world. I think caring
(and showing it) for other human beings goes second, but I won't go off
topic. When I was younger, it was like I was the only one with clinical
depression (at that time, I didn't know I had it though). Everyone seemed to
be cheerful and happy, except little old me, who was never happy and crying
all the time, always wishing he was never born. Now after 10 years, it seems
like there are more people like me, which really sucks. I wish I was the only
one, because what we are going through is really painful. And, I mean really
painful. All the people with clinical depression know what I mean. Some
people don't know the difference between Depression and Clinical Depression.
Well, Clinical Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, sometimes can
just happen out of the blue, I believe. Atleast, that's what has happened in
my case, so I'm sure it's true. And, others are probably really, really
traumatic going ons in your life, but I'm not sure if that can cause Clinical
Depression, maybe I should read up on it, Hmm. Anyways, everyone gets
Depression, it's pretty normal. But, truthfully getting Depression shouldn't
be normal. It shouldn't happen at all. You've all gottem Deppression at one
time or another, and you all know it really sucks. But, Clinical Depression
is a *million* times worse (and in some cases, is there for life, including
mine), and that's what I have. Could you imagine never being happy? Could you
imagine never wanting to get out of bed, and not wanting to go on with life
and wanting to end it? Could you imagine not being able to get motivation to
do anything because of your clinical depression? I have so many things, I
must do. But, it's fucking hard for me to do it, when I'm so mentally fucked
up. People, have told me a million times over "Get off your fucking ass, and
help the world since you said that's what your suppose to do, you lazy
asshole." No one has ever said that to me, like that yet, but it's come
pretty close. People just do not understand. Do they actually think I want to
have all these problems that don't allow me to do anything? That don't allow
me to conquer my dream and help out the world? People, it's easier to say
then do. Someone last summer said, "Don't let your problems control you,
fight them." How? But, how? How am I suppose to fight something that *is* me?
When I was talking to the Swingin' Utters they came up with the same thing.
People sit on there ass and they don't do anything to help out the world. I
suppose, I'm one of those people. But, I do have *true legit* disabilities,
and I'm not using them to keep me from doing what I want do. They are keeping
me, from doing what I want to do. They *are* me, they are more a-part of me,
then I am of myself. They have been with me since, I was born. Doctors, have
no fucking clue what is going on, and either do I. One thing, I'm going to do
is get out of the house and pick up a few books on "Asperger's Syndrome." and
learn more about it, I'm also going to find some stuff on the internet about
it. The Swingin' Utters brought that up, it totally reminded me, that I could
do that. Next issue, I'll have more stuff on my disabilitie and hopefully
I'll learn alot about it, since I don't know much yet. I apologize, if it
sounds like I'm whining. I'm not, I'm just trying to let you know more about
myself. I'm sorry, if it seems like I am. Next issue, I'll talk about my
Asperger's Syndrome more, until then.
 
Part Quatre:
Another problem I have is... Yeah, another problem, pretty shitty huh? But,
this is the worst. Well, actually maybe my Asperger's Syndrome is the
worst... Though, it's a toss-up. Anyways, what I'm trying to get at is. I
"used" to take anti-depressants for my depression, in hope of one day
becoming "normal" or happy or whatever you want to call it. Ok, here's the
scoop. I took a whole shitload of medication for maybe two years. I took
stuff like Paxil (kept me stoned for three hours and then I felt like shit -
really depressed-like), Prozac, Lithium, Trazadone, and a whole-shitload of
other stuff the Mental Hospital gave me, which I don't know the names of.
Anyways, I started sweating after my two weeks of my first genuine mental
hospital visit. They gave me a whole-slew of drugs, and I had no chance to
say "no." i was commited, and if they wanted they could of kept me in there
for life. What a fucked up hole. So, I start sweating, I talked to my
Psychiatrist about it. "Oh, it's normal. It'll go away after you stop taking
the medication." Okay, I stuck through it for maybe a year, or so... I then
finally said, fuck it and took myself off the medication (February '96) but
not because of the sweating, but because I finally realized the pills were
making me worse then my depression actually was. I never knew, pills that
were suppose to make you feel better could make you feel worse and make you
try and kill yourself. Weird, especially when they are to help you, or are
they? That's what the doctors want you to believe. But, do they help you? Or
do they fuck you over like they fucked me over? Personally, I'm going to warn
you right here and now, I don't fucking care what the psychiatrists tell you
or what-not. If they want to stick you on pills for your depression, you
better think it over real long and hard, and I mean for weeks and months if
you have to. Because, they are fucking with your life. Look at what the pills
did to me, they made me really sad and suicidal and I drank anti-freeze.
Stupid thing to do I know. But, what can you do when your on medication that
is suppose to help you but it ends up fucking you over and making you try to
kill yourself? Of course, the doctors blamed my depression. But, guess what?
It was the fucking medication that was supposed to help me that made me do
it! And, belivie me... I'm not a "rare" case, I'm sure this happens to
millions around the globe, yearly. But, what I'm really trying to get to. Is
my sweating problem that resulted from my medication. Of course the doctors
have said, "Oh no, the pills couldn't of done it. Your Thyroid is fine." Of
course, they never gave me any other tests for anything else. They just
automaticly said "Your thy-roid is fine, and so are you." Wow, your kidding
right, doc? "Nope, you're fine. The medication didn't do it." "Yeah, fuck
you. I know the pills did it, you bastard." Of course, I'm right and they're
wrong. You know why? I just found someone with the *exact* same problem.
Heavy sweating, that is keeping him from working and such, and has been that
way for the past *five* years. Here the Psychiatrist told me the sweating
would end right after I took myself off the medication. But, no has it? Ever
since I started the medication, it's gotten worse. It's doubled in two years,
and I have no fucking clue what is going on and either do the moron "doctors"
can we even call them doctors when they are so stupid and try to cover up
what they don't even know what the hell is going on by saying it isn't my
body that is causing the sweating? Anyways, I wasn't able to talk to this
other fellow that much about his sweating problem, because we only chatted it
up for five minutes or so. Which sucks, cuz I want to know more about it.
Since, he's had it for three years longer then me. But, what I'm trying to
get to, is watch yourself. Be aware, of what the doctors are putting you on,
if you can try and live with your depression. But, of course, I can't tell
you this because depression does different things to different people. But,
what I'm really trying to say, is learn about the medication that you are
about to go on before you go on it, learn everything, even if it takes
months. Because, it sure is better then not even knowing what the fuck could
happen and being fucked over like I have. Truthfully, I would of never have
taken those drugs if I knew that they were going to alter my mind (and body)
if I knew this or anything like this was ever going to happen to me, but I did it. I
even know what the future was going to be like. I just thought, "Wow, in
fifteen years or so I'll be happy!" Of course, they never told me, that I
would never be happy until a few years later, when they said it's with me for
the rest of my life. Which I truely believe, from just what I have been
going through. Of course, they never told me when they stuck me on the
medication, they had to tell me after the medication fucked over my body. I'm
sure medication does help some people, but I'm sure it doesn't help as many
as it fucks up. Some of you, might already know people that got fucked over
from medication. If you don't, you actually probably do. Most people, just
don't realize whatr is going on, just like the doctors don't. The doctors
keep telling you, it's not the medication when it truelly is. But, what I
want to know is why do they lie to us? Are they trying to hide that they are
truely wrong? or do they actually believe it? They must be pretty dumb
doctors, if they believe it wasn't the medication. I know most of you, don't
really know what to think of this. Because, you don't know me and you can
only go on my word, about what is going on. Alot of weird shit has been going
on, stuff the doctors don't even know anything about. They read their little
books, and say "No, it's not the medication." Then what the fuck is it, doc?
Why did this problem start *after* I took the medication and not before? I've
had clinical depression for a long time, and just recently started taking
medication, and I admit, it's helped a bit. but, it's caused more problems
that it has helped, and if I knew it was going to do this. I would of never
took the medication in the first place. So, basically be aware of yourself
and what you take. Learn and learn and learn, I can't say that enough. Don't
go into a situation with a blank mind, make sure you know everything before
you start taking chemicals. Forget about what the doctors say, because you
probably know more then they fucking do. That's what I've found out. When
they don't know whats going on, they hide it. They're not going to say, "Ok,
I'm wrong." Okay, I warned you. But, just think about what I said, I don't
want you to just go "Ok, Brian is right." Always think about what anyone
says, and think for yourself. That is what it comes down to. I can't express
that enough. * Also, if you find a friend or whatever who may be suffering
from Depression of some kind, help them right away. Do not let this go for
too long, if it goes for over as few weeks, you're going to have a hell of a
time getting rid of it, if you ever can. I just realized I had it after
*eight* years, that's a fuck of a long time longer than 2 weeks. Also, if
your friend is in denial, that he or she is depressed, still help them, they
still need help and treatment, never give up even if it is really stressful,
you are going to save your friends life and they will thank you, later.
 
ENDNOTES:
1) Hey, Brian here. I just got back from seeing, The Dole, Swingin' Utters
and The Lunachicks at the Town Dump. It's Wednesday - November 6th at 3:30am.
Three awesome bands, that shouldn't be missed. I had a very good time there,
all the bands rocked the shit out of the dump. Anyways, the last few days
have been pretty hectic for me. Not in a really bad sense, just in a weird
sense I suppose. For one, my walkman which I just bought like half a year
back just totally died on me, luckily I have a warranty. Today right after
the gig my tape recorder died on me, which I've only owned a few days, fuck
what the hell is going on... Three, the CD (case) I bought from the Swingin'
Utters show was half glued together, so I had to rip the case apart just to
tear the glue off, which ended up breaking the case, Sigh. Atleast the CD is
ok. Four, the work shirt, I bought from there needs a bit of stitching,
that's okay though. Not as bad as my walkman and tape recorder dieing on me.
Though, I think the CD case was the worst, because I totally hate it when my
CD cases get wrecked, I just freak don't ask me why. I'm just a fucked up
guy. Hey, that rhymes, Hmm. Anyways, I was very happy to meet the Swingin'
Utters, they're all very sexy guys (Too bad I'm straight, sigh, maybe it's
time for a change? nahh.) Besides, them being sexy and very good musicians,
fuck they are so fucking nice. (Oh Kevin, Hi. I love you, you are so cool.
*hugs*) Kevin the BASS player is just totally cool, I wish he lived in
Vancouver and not San Francisco, double sigh. Time for a move ok, Kevin.
We'll be roomates or somethin'. Oh, By The Way Kevin, I know we only talked a
bit and stuff, but I think I love you. err lust for you, is that the right
word? There is just something about you. From when I first laid eyes on you,
I knew you were the coolest guy on the planet, you just glow in kindness,
does that make sense? I'm being very serious here. I hope we meet again, and
if not I wish you the best in life. I'm not saying, I've fallen in love with
you, I just think your the greatest guy. But, your band rocks, so I don't
need to wish you anything do I? But, I still wish you the best, hugs my
friend. Too the rest of the Swingin' Utters, you guys rock too. I don't want
you guys being too jealous, I care about you all alot. I'm *never* going to
forget you guys, you just made my life so much happier, thank you very much.
I'm bursting out in tears right now, because you really did make my life
happier, I care for you guys alot. I love you guys, I'm going to miss you, so
damn much. If you guys are wondering, this is the first time this has ever
happened to me in my twenty years on this earth. I'm sorry I just had to take
a few minute pause, there. I just broke out in tears, because I am *very* sad
you guys are gone, I'm going to miss you all so much. Please, stay in touch
with me, I care about you guys alot. Please, oh please, oh please. Come back
to Vancouver soon, if it's ok can you guys keep a day open so we can hang
out? Hopefully in the Fall or Winter or early Spring, preferably I'm stuck
inside the house for the rest of the year, due to a very severe sweating
problem that is ruining my life and getting worse in the process, year after
year for the past two years. Bye, Swingin' Utters, I'm going to miss you.
I'll be thinking about you guys day after day after day...
2) AARON, Thanks for talking to me and saying Hi to me at shows, you don't
know how much you mean to me, you mean alot. What's your number? Want to hang
out? (Wow, I asked someone first time... Too bad, I can't do it in person,
it's so hard.) Oh AARON, I think you are *very* cute. I bet you have alot of
girls chasing you. I just thought, I'd tell you I think you are cute, I like
telling people, for some reason. Well, most people.
3) Amanda and Kim who moved to Vancouver from Victoria - 12 months or so ago,
where did you go? I miss you gals, I miss your friendship, even though we
only hung out with each other once or twice. Did you guys move back to,
Victoria? I hope not, get in touch. You have my number and address, where
are you?? Sorry, I never spoke to you when we did hang out, I guess you know
why now.
4) Hi, to the Girl from Ontario, who talked to me at the Mr. T Experience
show at The Gate in June '96. I miss you, it was great meeting you. Sorry, I
"took off" at the end of the show, I really had to go or I'd miss the
skytrain, I'm very sorry I never said good bye, but you were far in the
crowd, and I was going to miss it, and I would of been stuck in Vancouver,
which actually wouldn't of been that bad now that I think about it, because I
would of been with you. But, I never thought of that, oh well. I hope you are
doing good, and I'm not sure if you are ever going to see this, but oh well.
I wish you the best.
5) Track Records fucking sucks. The guys who work there suck shit, they're a
bunch of stuck-up assholes. You can tell, soon as you walk in the store, it's
too obvious. And, a big fuck you for not wanting to sell my 'zine there
anymore. I'm not writing this because of that, but because they *are*
assholes. Besides, they fucking rip you off. If you want cheap shit goto
Scratch Records near Gastown for friendly service and cheap records, or for
more friendly service and cheap cheap records go check out Washout Reckordz
on 29 W. Broadway, they got the goods that no other stores carry, so check it
out. They just opened, so support them and help them grow.
6) Right now, I'm hoping you don't think I'm an asshole... I don't know why.
7) I'm going to admit this right here and now. This column sucks, but I don't
know what to do. I don't know what else to write about, and if I try and
re-write this, I probably won't even be able to come up with anything else.
It's *very* hard for me to think of anything to write, so please bare with my
shitty column.
8) It may seem, I have given up and let my problems over-come me, but that
isn't true. I haven't, but I do need help to overcome them, I've tried to do
it by myself for over 10 years, and I've failed. I'm a failure. Help?
9) I've read this column over a bit, and I've repeated myself alot, I'm not
sure why. I'm not going to change what I wrote though, because it's like I'm
just hiding a-part of me. I repeat myself alot, and until I figger out why,
I'll most likely just leave it in, unless it really ruins the column. If you
think it's lame and I should take it out, write me a letter. I'm hoping right
now, you all write me a letter and let me know what you think. I think you
have alot of bad ideas about me, and until you write me I'll think you do. I
have no self-confidence, but I hope things are ok.
9) Please, excuse me for my boring and repetitive writing, I'm still learning
to write. Bare with me ok, I'm not a professional writer and I've never
written anything in my life except my 'zines.
 
10) The Swingin' Utters rock. They have a three full lengths out. One on New
Red Archives, one on Upside Down #1 Dummy Recordings (Though, I don't really
know anything about this album, I just saw it in an AD, they don't really
count it as one of their albums so it could be live stuff) and their latest
on Fat Wreck Chords and a CD-ep on IFA Records, and probably a few singles
out there, too. Check them out, they play wicked punk fucking rock.
11) Take care, my friends. I hope to hear from you, soon.
"As tears crackle down my face, it's time to wipe them off, and say good-bye,
until the next issue my friends, until the next issue." I hope to live until
then, I hope.
 
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