Bare Feet OK!

Hi, My name is Brian Disagree, and I operate this Website. Life is a struggle everyday, and I don't know what to do anymore. You see, I've been living with a number of mental illnesses for all my life, including: Major Clinical Depression, Asperger's Syndrome/Pervassive Developmental Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Paranoia and Agoraphobia. As well as other things. And, well I have been thinking alot lately, about how they have ran my life in the past and are in the present. I'm awfully worried about the future. I don't even think it's worth seeing, if you ask me. These mental illnesses are very complex issues, they won't just go away with the snap of a finger, or the swallowing of pills. These issues are more complex than that.

Alot of people tell me to Snap out of It, or Go Swallow some more pills, sure I'll try medication, I mean, if I didn't, I don't know what to do, because psychiatrists only really give you pills as an option. Sure, there are options as well, counselling and what not. These are tough options when you have Asperger's Syndrome/Pervassive Developmental Disoder. These basically harm your speach (among other things), which means either you cannot get the words out of your mouth or they don't even form in your brain. I don't think psychiatrists have any idea how this works. I know for a fact that they don't know what to do with Pervassive Developmental Disorder. Because, all it is, is a label to say the doctors don't know what's wrong with you, but they know something seriously is. But, they don't know how to go about fixing you. Basically, I think it means, instead of you having one or two things wrong with you, you have many, this could be upto 10 or more. They don't know, and will probably never know.

It's a very complex thing to figger out what is wrong with someone, when they have symptoms of like 10 different disorders (partial or full) and all batched together instead of just the symptoms of one or two things. Anyways, I've been thinking alot lately, and well I'm 22 years old now, which a shitty family situation and well, I'm not sure about the friends situation, I talk to a few people, but I don't know if they consider me their friend anymore. It's really tough to have friends with alot of disorders, but I still struggle every single day to try and make these friendships work. Some may think I don't do a good job, and some may understand, but I'm trying my best, I just don't know what to do anymore, I honestly don't. I haven't even graduated high school yet, and I'm 22 friggin years old. People who have graduated when I was supposed to do are either working at some cool place, or are married or have kids, some of them anyway. This is deppressing me.

I look at myself, what do I have to show for my existance in this crappy world? Well, I have alot of disorders, but that's not really an accomplishment. Well, I barely have any friends if any at all. Well, that's not too good either. I think it's about almost time to give up, I mean I've been struggling every single day for 22 years to fight my problems and where did it get me? No where. I thought I was strong 10 years ago, but now after that 10 years, I kinda wonder if I really am. My problems have taken over me, and well, they run my life. For the past week or so I have been fighting my problems, it's fucking hard, too! I have been going for small walks, and last week I went and saw Bride of Chuck and The Siege, two movies at the theatre. The last movie I saw before that was Titanic on January 20 something with my fantastic X-Girlfriend Jenna Easton I'm very lonely folks, and I don't know what to do... I need some friends, and fast.

I'm going deeper and deeper into my hole and if I don't keep fighting like I am now, I'll never get out, it's going to bury me. I honestly think I should just give up. Can you imagine looking back at your life and realizing you didn't do shit with it? No job? No friends? No high school diploma? Not evan happiness? It sucks. I don't know what to say anymore... Even though there is so much to talk about. I've lost the thoughts from my mind, My brain has gone bankrupt so to speak of thoughts. Hmm. I guess, I'll tell you a bit about what I look like, hopefully one day, I'll have my BCID picture online. Well, I am 6 foot 1. With bleach blond hair, and crystal blue eyes. Around, 215 lbs I think... I guess, you could sayI kinda dress like a skater, I wanna start getting more stylin' clothes though, my wardrobe sucks and so does the amount it costs to buy friggin' clothes!

If any of you, live near Vancouver, British Columbia and wanna maybe hang out sometime, let me know, I'd love too... Time to get my life going, but it's a struggle everyday, so all I can do is try my best, and well if it doesn't go well, I'm too scared to even realize what's going to happen... Sigh. Anyways, check around the website, I hope you like it. It's my first one, and well it might not look like much, (Well, I guess it's not, really...), I did spend around 400 hours on it. That's a dang long time, and well, if you wanna tell a friend about it, so it's not a wasted long time, it's always appreciated... Oh yeah, if you ever wanna talk to me on this computer thing, click on "Page Me By ICQ" (If you use it!), and grab my ICQ number and give me a page, I'm on all the dang time! Until, we meet again.... May, that hopefully be again soon.

Defenition of the mental illnesses:

Agoraphobia - To be scared to be in a public space or to leave your house.

Paranoia - A form of being scared that something is wrong.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Being obsessive about certain things, could include personal heigene or locking the doors/windows.

Asperger's Syndrome - A mild for of autism, acts in different ways with different people I believe. Mine is I can't really communicate in person or on the phone.

Pervassive Developmental Disorder - A whole bunch of disorders/mental illnesses in one, doctor's have no clue how to fix this, alot of the people have autistic symptoms as well, so they could possibly be misdiagnosed. So, I could have, and I couldn't have...

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