MISCELLANEOUS THE CUSTOM OFFICER AND THE SMUGGLER A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answers Juan to which the guard replies, "We'll just see about that..." The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand. Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens -- Juan approaches the border on his bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have you got?" and Juan replies, "Sand." Again the guard does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border. This sequence is repeated every day for several months until finally the guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico and Juan walks in. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard to Juan, "I know you're smuggling something... It's been driving me crazy. It's all I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles." A DUMB BLONDE Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim! ..." Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone is startled and looks around as the brunette escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim! ..." Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!" Once again, everyone is startled and looks around, while the redhead silently slips away. By now the blonde has it all figured out, and the guard brings her forward. The executioner asks if she has any last requests, she says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim! ..." and the blonde yells, "FIRE!" ILLUSION 1) pick a number from 1-9 2) subtract 5 3) multiply by 3 4) square the number (multiply by the same number-not square root) 5) add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6+4=10=+0=1) 6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4. 7) multiply by 2 8) subtract 6 9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc... 10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter 11) take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter 12) think of the color of that mammal (keep scrolling) DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry. you should have a grey elephant from Denmark. THE VENTRILOQUIST A ventriloquist is working down south and during his show a hick stands up and yells, " HEY! YOU ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid you know!" "Relax" says the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!" "I'm not talking to you sir!" The hick reply's " I'm talking to that little jerk sitting on your knee!" LIGHT BULB ZODIAC What's your sign? How many of you does it take to change a light bulb? Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it? Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away. Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process. Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out. Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth. Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you? Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order. Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so..... Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb? If you want to send any comments, please click on the plane:
1) pick a number from 1-9 2) subtract 5 3) multiply by 3 4) square the number (multiply by the same number-not square root) 5) add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6+4=10=+0=1) 6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4. 7) multiply by 2 8) subtract 6 9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc... 10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter 11) take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter 12) think of the color of that mammal (keep scrolling) DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry. you should have a grey elephant from Denmark.
