Vanilla Ice is going to release a new album. Yeah yeah yeah, real great. Ice ice baby. He has also said he has stopped using drugs. Probably because he couldn't afford them anymore! Timely release of your new album Iceman...
Paula Jones is sporting a new noise, which is great. Especially since she donated her old one to this old house. They needed an isore to work on.
In Texas, a mailman is in trouble for dealing drugs. I don't know what kind of drugs a mailman would deal, but I think we can rule out speed.
It was hot again today, but not nearly as hot as where Timothy McVeigh is going.
The good news for Marv Albert is, he has a character witness. The bad news, it's Frank Gifford.
The government now wants Joe Camel ads put where kids will never see them. How about inside algebra textbooks?
I guess Frank Gifford and Kathie Lee are now reportedly undergoing marital counseling. First session did not go well -- Frank brought a date.
Five members of the L.A. Lakers were arrested last night. They were charged with impersonating the Clippers.
Michael Jordan is endorsing his own kind of shampoo. Isn't that sort of like heaven's gate condoms?
More embarrassment for Eddie Murphy. Did you hear what happened to him last night? Guess he was playing chess, accidentally picked up the queen.
Since the O.J. trial is not being televised, the E! channel is planning to recreate the trial everyday using the actual transcripts and having actors play all the parts. Here's the sad part. Today Kato Kaelin auditioned to play himself and didn't get it.
So the Jets are now 1-8. They're on a streak! These Jets players are pretty confident. Today they said they plan to win a game next year, too.
In Japan, a woman has been arrested for making 16,000 harassing phone calls. She broke the old record held by an AT&T marketing guy trying to get people to switch.
A lot of controversy coming out over this campaign financing. They're investigating this gardener ...who gave $425,000 to the Clinton campaign. What kind of gardener has $425,000? What crop do you think this guy is growing? Maybe the same kind Clinton isn't inhaling?
Very tragic story, 'Romeo and Juliet.' You know they both die at the end. In fact today, Dr. Jack Kevorkian called it the "Feel good movie of the season."
Here's some good news. Environmental experts report the smog level here in L.A.is at the lowest point it has been in decades. You know what that means? Motorists can now actually see who's shooting at them.
The World Health Organization says smoking is not three times worse than previously thought. That's pretty bad, considering it was previously thought to kill you.
Now it's really starting to feel like Christmas. I saw something today that made me feel like it was Christmas. Dr. Kevorkian has begun offering his holiday suicide special. You get in the bathtub, and he throws in a bunch of Christmas lights.
Tonya Harding is planning a comeback. She's starring in a special Christmas show called 'The Kneecracker.'
Bad news for Volkswagen. One of their top executives was charged with lying, cheating, and stealing. But the good news is, he was also named salesman of the month.
The Clinton Administration said they will crack down on doctors who legally prescribe marijuana to their patients. Part of Clinton's `Do as I say, not as I do' policy ...
A man goes to hell and the devil greets him. He takes him to a hallway which has three different doors and tell the man he'll have to choose one room to spend the rest of eternity in. So he takes him to the first door and he opens it and sees everyone standing on their heads on wooden floors. The man thought that would be pretty terrible to spend the rest of eternity on his head on such a hard floor and asked the devil to show him the second door. Everyone in the second room was standing on their heads on concrete. The man thought that was even worse to spend the rest of eternity on his head on an even harder floor. Finally the devil takes him to the third door and in that room everyone is up to their knees in dog poop and drinking coffee. The man thought that was pretty bad, but at least they could drink coffee so he told the devil he chose the third room to spend the rest of eternity in. So the man, up to his knees in dog poop, drank coffee for a few minutes. Then the devil came back into the room and said "Coffee break is over. Back on your heads."
A minister was feeling bored one Sunday and decided to take the day off from church. He told the assistant minister he wasn't feeling well and drove off. He stopped at a golf course about forty miles away (so that no one would know him.) Up in Heaven, the angels were talking. One said to Jesus, "Are you going to let him get away with that?" Jesus said, "No, I won't." The minister teed off on the first hole and suddenly, the wind picked up, blowing the ball right in the hole for a 420 yard hole-in-one. The angel looked at Jesus and said, "Why did you do that?" Jesus smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
There are no strangers in the United States....just Mexicans you haven't met.
There was this guy named Toby. He was in trouble with his Law Firm, due to sexual assault cases brought upon him. So one day, he went into the lounge, and there was seated his buddy Daniel. "Daniel, what should I do," he asked. "Well, it is looking like you are going to get fired Toby, so I really don't know. So, since you're a real touchy feely guy, you ever thought about running for president?"
I was in Mexico the other day, I am going to tell you, don't drive to Mexico. Walk, or better yet, park your car outside, and walk in. See, I drove down there, and I got my car stolen. I was real bummed, so I decided to call the police. Well, they had great response time, to bad they showed up in my car.
This was in the paper today ... It was on the news, Michael Jackson is going to become a father. Talk about beginner's luck.
According to a study, short people live longer than taller people. That means we'll never get rid of Ross Perot.
Some good news. According to the latest FBI statistics, homicides in L.A. are down 26-and-a-half percent. They said the only people getting killed around L.A. now are the Clippers.
July 17,1839-Vulcanized rubber is invented by Charles Goodyear.
The Next Day-Mrs. Goodyear goes from an A Cup to a DD Cup.
July 30, 1869-Margarine is created.
The Next Day-Ancestors of Fabio cannot believe it's not butter.
February 20, 1962-Glenn becomes the first American to orbit earth; re-entry disorients him.
The Next Day-John Glenn becomes a politician.
August 27, 1751-Nickel is discovered by a swede named Axel Cromsted.
The Next Day-He wonders what it would be like if he had a nickel for every time someone mispronounced his name.
September 18, 2680 B.C.-Construction begins on the great pyramid.
The Next Day-Joan Collins leans out the window at 7 A.M. and yells, "Keep the noise down!"
June 10, 46 B.C.-Julius Caesar invents the calendar.
The Next Day-Julius Caesar stabbed by Joan Collins.
November 24, 1963-Jack Ruby kills Lee Harvey Oswald on T.V.
The Next Day-The Boulder Police Department says there isn't enough evidence to indict him.