THOUGHTS
by Ricci

Author's notes:
This story CAN be considered as a sequel to "Fate" and "Lonely Nights",
but You don't have to read those to understand this story. 
This story is set at the end of season one. Mamoru has been kidnapped
and is being held prisoner. The dialogue scene is set in Beryl's throne
room. But I'm sure You all know the course of action. So... have fun!

Rated: PG

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and all related characters belong to Takeuchi Naoko
and are copyright Kodansha and Toei. No infringement is intended. No money 
is made out of this.

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So this is where I am. I can't believe it, not yet.  How did I ever get into 
this mess? Was there a moment when it all started and inevitably led to 
the events which brought me here? I don't know. All I know is that I 
have a lot of time to think about this now. Or maybe not so much time, 
considering the patience of the evil queen.

I am Chiba Mamoru. And I am much more than just that. I am the 
protector of a girl I barely know. I know I'd give my life for her, but I don't 
exactly know why. I am not just her protector, but I am also her lover from 
the past. And from the look of those innocent blue eyes I am supposed to 
be her lover now, too. 

Just as we discovered this I was captured and brought to this place. 
Into this crystal coffin that throws my own thoughts back at me with crystal 
clarity. There is so much to think about. Where do I start? 

Yesterday I was a student. A good and talented student living off of what 
his parents had left him, honouring their picture on my night-stand with all 
my efforts. I wish I had known them. Wish I knew what my father wanted 
me to be, what we did on sunny weekends, what my mother's best recipe 
was. But I don't remember that and never will. 

Sometimes I wonder what would hurt more. To actually know what I have 
lost or never to know what I had had. So I was a good student, with the 
sole quest of discovering ways of learning even faster and building my 
fundament of solid loneliness. Just when I felt it was about time to open 
up, after nights and nights that Motoki tried to talk some sense into me, 
the blackouts started and left me completely insecure. 

Who could I talk to about this? Wouldn't they believe that Chiba the Loner 
finally had gone mad inside his four walls? Life taught me to try and solve 
problems at the time they occured, but try as I might I couldn't solve this 
one. Not on my own with not even my own mind to trust. 

And those dreams... 

I am an adult for crying out loud. I spend my time with physics and mathematics. 
Sometimes I join Motoki and his friends in a trip to Shinjuku to have some fun. 

And then I start dreaming of a little princess in distress! 

Those dreams should never have touched me the way they did. They should 
never have meant so much to me. They followed me everywhere I went. When 
the pressure built and I went for a run they accompanied every desperate step 
I made. You can't run from yourself. 

They gnawed at my very core. And when the picture got clearer and I knew where 
the road was taking me I embraced fate and stopped denying this part of myself. 
Ever since I have been at peace with myself. Just when I thought this was my 
destiny, saving the little blond fighter for love and justice - I can't tell you how much 
I love this speech - all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place and the face of the 
princess in my dreams was the face of the girl I had saved again and again. 

All the spirits seemed to have ganged up against me. 
There it was, the picture was complete. And what now? What was I supposed to do? 

She stood there with this expression on her face. She always seems to know 
what to do and where to go. Her face told me that she'd never let me go and 
I didn't know if this was what I wanted. Not that I mind being considered as a 
major hunk. But she's a child. Just a child. What am I supposed to do - babysit 
her? 

Ah, now you're cruel, Chiba. Deny your past. Try to convince yourself that it doesn't 
matter what she feels and you're lying all the time. Certainly I can't be in love with her. 

Look at what she is now, whispers a devilish little voice in my head. She still has a 
long way to go until she shares the same level with you. But look at this opportunity - 
the opportunity to form her, to guide her to be the woman you want her to be. 

I can't do this! When she looks up at me and I see the faith she has in me -  I can't 
betray her like that. But I can't simply let her in, either. She wouldn't understand. 
She'd hurt me without intending to do so, and I wouldn't tell her because I knew. No. 
She's an intruder. Beware of intruders. She'll disturb everything. 
And I don't know how to love her.

Footsteps echoing. Are they coming to get me? If they wanted to kill me they'd 
already get rid of me. I wonder what they are up to. I have nothing that could be 
worth keeping me alive.

Yes, I love her. You probably already guessed from all the rambling before. I can't 
deny it. The gods gave us our free will, they gave us the possibility to decide, and they 
gave us the power to think of tomorrow. So we spent a whole lot of time worrying over 
tomorrow, over "could" and "would" and "maybe". Confess your love, Chiba, and deal 
with whatever comes up the moment it comes up. That's the right course, I can feel it.

Again footsteps. They're coming closer, aren't they?

Imagine my life with her. From all I know she still goes to school. Starts in the morning, 
stops in the afternoon, goes home and does her homework. Has some fun with her 
friends, goes to bed. 

I go to  university. Monday is free, the rest of the week filled with courses scattered 
over several days, parttime work whenever I have time. Mostly weekends. Where 
does she fit in? I could quit the jobs. I don't really have to work. What my parents left 
me is enough to live a convenient life. It just makes me feel better to work, to earn 
my own money. My fellow students are envious enough as it is now. After all, I'm the 
only one in my semester who drives an Alpha Romeo. It's used, but it still was 
expensive. What was I talking about?

Where does she fit in? The two big C's of a relationship. Compromise and 
Communication. So I guess I have to learn how to talk. How to explain my feelings. 
And how to defend myself. Yep. Gives those endlessly droning moralists some new 
feast to feed on. Chiba the Pedophile.

But she's not really a child anymore, is she? Not after everything she has seen. All the
pain and suffering. The unfairness of life that makes a young girl lose her innocence.
Only she seemingly maintained it somehow. How can she believe in the good side of
people when she is faced with constant evil? And yet she does. And she always 
comes out unharmed. Battered and bruised, but disturbingly allright.

I envy her. I pity her. I love her. Envy this easiness, pity this responsibility, love the 
enigmatic incorporation of a blondes joke. Her obvious vulnerability mocks people 
and they find themselves teasing her affecionately. She affects people. She draws 
them to herself like light the moths. She's open, completely open. So easy to destroy
with some harsh words. And yet meeting her gives you the feeling of holding something
very delicate and fragile, something that you must protect. Isn't this ultimately female? 
Or just the male response to a frightened child? No, she's not a child. She's an angel.
Bouncy and chatting the time away, sometimes deserving to get thoroughly spanked, 
but an angel nonetheless.

I am smiling. Thinking of her little pouting lips makes me smile. I can wait for her. I can 
controll my body that longs for love in another way. If it takes time to love her like a 
woman then I will wait. I will always love her.

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	"You do know that I could kill you?"

	"If you wanted, you'd done it already. Get to the point."

	"Aw, my dear friend, not so harsh. I think you're a little bit to sure. Or arrogant? 
	 Arrogance is a lovely feature."
	
	"That you brought to perfection. I despise you."
	
	"You're so eager to talk? Then let's talk about more pleasant things. Who's Sailor Moon?"

	"I don't know."

	"Such a pity. Always choosing the wrong answers. Try harder. Who's Sailor Moon?"

	"I don't KNOW."

	"You can't fool me. Hmm... what will convince you to tell me?"
	
	"Nothing."

	"That was uncalled for, you bastard. Let's see, shall we?"

I'm frightened. Yes, I really am. I know she's going to hurt me, but I mustn't tell her. Must
protect Usagi. Please give me the power to - 

There it comes. 

Blood dripping from a cut on my forehead. Pain searing through my side. 
Maybe a broken rib. She enjoys it. Oh God, am I going to die?


	"Where is the silver crystal? Who is Sailor Moon?"

I won't answer. Can't you let me be? Don't you see I won't answer?


	"I'm losing my patience!"

I don't care. Kill me now. Please, do it quick.


Someone is howling. Someone is laughing. I want to sleep. Tell them to be quiet.



Blackness.




Moths fluttering through my mind, carrying the smell of autumn with them. Decay. Loss.
Soft whispering of their wings. Voices echoing hollow in my mind. Who am I?
I'm afraid. Please take me home.


More blackness. 



Pain. Relief. I'm still living.



Such a bright light! It hurts my eyes, it hurts me everywhere, make it go away, make it - 

Usagi?	


And then my mind is screaming, everyone is screaming. I can only see her face. How much 
did she endure to get here. To get to me. My heart is so wide, and it's filled with love for her.
Love. Trust. Blame for my actions, for hurting her. I know I had no choice, but still I take the 
blame. Beryl is furious. I can see that the only thing on her mind right now is Usagi's death.
She'll never get her. I'll see to that.


And then it's over. So fast. I saved her. I can feel her trembling underneath my aching body.
I hear Beryl moaning and I know that my rose has hit her. Usagi is whispering my name, 
again and again. I feel the life seeping out of me. With the last ounce of strength I move 
and roll off. I am going to die.

"Mamo-chan?"

I smile. And then I die.

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THANKS:
Many thanks go out to the following people, for encouragement, help and patience:

-	Sidnei, who's always been there with tips and tricks
- 	Jade, who writes so beautiful stories about Usagi. They may be dark, but 
	they're still beautiful.
-	Selena, the Moon Goddess. Her saga "Out of the darkness and into the light" 
	is one of the best I ever read. Way to go, Selena!
- 	Lady M. Harris, for writing the best romance stories. I'd read everything she 
	writes, Sailor Moon or not.
- 	Yohann de Sabrais, who created a universe with so much continuity that it has 
	a life of its own. If You haven't read "Cycles of Life" do it now. You'll be rewarded 
	with hours of good entertainment!
- 	Mark Berger and Sailor Mac for the invention of sekkushiaru roman
- 	Corina Borsuk, for the story "The Promise". It has everything I could ask from a 
	Usagi/Mamoru story!
- 	 Sexylion, for "Interlude". She's a truly gifted writer.


I am going to continue this series. I just don't know how long it will take, but Your comments, 
good or bad, will make it a lot easier! Thanks to everyone who is reading this, I hope You 
enjoyed the story and/or the stories I mentioned. Thankx, folks!!

Bye!

^ _~ 

Ricci