Dear minna, This is my first fanfic (well, read publicly, anyway) so COMMENT, COMMENT, COMMENT! I really want to know what you think, but please be gentle,OK? I would like to thank Razzzberi, Fushigi Kismet, Lianne (I hope *you're* blushing now, it's your turn), Pandora and Jennifer Wand, I would never have gotten this out without your support. You guys are the greatest! Thanks also to Sailor Dolphin (read her fanfic Night and Day) and Elizabeth, Laurel Anne, Crystal Heart and Eric den Biesen for writing wonderful fanfiction. All usual disclaimers apply, so hopefully, I will not find expensively-dressed lawyers breathing down my neck for writing this ^_^; However, this is MY work and MY copyright, which I had to get up at 5 am to do, so DO NOT steal from this without my permission. Enjoy, minna! This takes place in the first season, during the Day of Destiny and is written in first person from Darien's view, just before he dies. I give you fair warning that this is strictly a Serena and Darien 'fic, so if you want something else, you will not find it here. I don't know the exact words used in this scene, so apologies if they are totally incorrect. LOST CHANCES BY Sue Mei +++++++++++---------------------------------------------+++++++++++++ She is in front of me, on her knees, her eyes bright with unshed tears. My sword is already raised, high in the air, poised to strike. With one single blow, I could kill her. One blow ,and Queen Beryl will be satisfied and pleased. And yet I hesitate. Something holds me back. Not physically, but as if not all of my body and soul was committed to destroying her. Something that seemed untouched as yet by Metallia and Beryl, untouched by hate. And that part screams at me to stop, not to kill her. I struggle within myself. That part of me seems so... distant and far away. Out of reach. As if it had been torn away from the rest of me and was set apart completely. I look down at her. She is holding something, shimmering golden, in her hands. Even as I watch, a lid flips up and a beam of pure golden light shimmers into being in the cold air of the Arctic, in the Dark Kingdom. And music. Music, sweet and wistful, delicate and graceful. Music which is indescribably ancient. Music of love. Music which seems hauntingly familiar. "Darien, please, don't you remember? Don't you remember how I gave you this locket and how you gave it back to me?" Slowly, I lower my sword. Had I given this to her? As a sort of token? It seemed so familiar. A small locket, in the shape of a star.As if I had seen this before, held it in my hands and heard it's sweet music before. Slowly, ever so slowly, my hand reaches out to touch it. It seems so beautiful, so shining, and out of my reach. It was as though I was reaching out for that lost part of myself as well. My fingers brush its golden surface. And suddenly, all explodes with light. +++++++++++++------------------------------------------------+++++++++++++++ Millions of images and memories flash through my head. And suddenly, I am no longer in the throne room. +++++++++++++------------------------------------------------+++++++++++++++ I am sitting up in bed, my head wrapped in bandages. I look down and cold terror rips through me. I am in a hospital bed, wearing hospital clothes. My mind, a blank slate. No! Not this again. Please. I don't want to be alone again, unwanted and unloved. There is no response, no change in where I am.Instead, in front of me, I see images, pictures. They are images of me. Images of a little black-haired boy, dressed in blue hospital pajamas and his head wrapped in bandages, sitting up in a hospital bed, his expression blank and confused. Images of a young man, smiling tauntingly. Images of a man dressed in a tuxedo, holding a perfect red rose. And images of a young, stunningly beautiful girl, her long shining blonde waterfalls of hair braided up in two odangos and ponytails. The images freeze at one particular scene. It is a picture of me, in a tuxedo and wearing a mask. I am kissing the girl passionately, lovingly, holding her in my arms as if I would never let her go. She is even more lovely in a flowing gown of softest pink, trimmed with red roses. "Who am I? I am ... alone. Again." "You are not alone." I look up. She is standing beside the bed, looking at me tenderly. Somehow, I am not surprised. Perhaps I had always known, that she loved me, that she would be there for me and help me. Her azure blue eyes, eyes that could drown a man in their blue depths, hold me in fascination. "You are never alone. I am here." I smile at you gratefully, that destiny ever chose you, my princess, my goddess, that you would bless me with your love. That, when I swore an oath to you, a thousand years ago, to find you again, in our next life, to allow me the chance to keep it. And we are thrown from our private haven, back into harsh reality. ++++++++++++------------------------------------------------+++++++++++++++ The sword clatters from my hands. "Serena." I am horrified at what I was about to do. In a single strike, I could have killed you. Better I die than to let any harm come to you, but that I would hurt you, kill you even, is a thought worse than death. I cannot imagine a life without you, my Odango. Even when I did not know that *you* were my princess, I still fell in love with you. Even when I teased you, laughed at you, shouted at you, I loved you more than life itself, not as Endymion to his princess, but as Darien to Serena. Would that I had had the courage to tell you when I had the chance. To think that I could have caused you pain unimaginable, when I fought for the Dark Kingdom against you, that painful knowledge will stay with me until I die. But until that time comes, we must defeat Beryl and Metallia. Or rather, *I* will defeat Beryl and Metallia. I know from Beryl that the senshi are dead. I will *not* let Beryl and Metallia anywhere near you. *I* will die to defeat them. You shall live the rest of your days as simple, beautiful Serena, no youmas, no Dark Kingdom to worry about, nobody to cause you pain as we have. Perhaps you shall even love again. The thought of you in love, being kissed, being touched by someone else, twists my heart in agony. But I would rather see you happy, Odango, than have you unhappy, with or without me. I hear a noise behind me. I have heard it before, the metallic whistling of cold air. A sound which can be brought about only by a projectile. A sharp, hard projectile, travelling with a deadly momentum. A projectile which nearly killed me once before in the Starlight Tower. And it is heading directly for us. I spin around, a red rose immediately appearing in my hand. With a flick of my wrist I send it flying with pinpoint accuracy, directly into the rock shard thrown by Beryl. The shard breaks apart into smaller fragments, just as sharp, just as deadly, as my rose passes through it and continues flying through the air. I spin around, back towards Serena. The rock shards are still flying towards us. My one thought is to protect her, to let no harm come to her. I throw my cape protectively around her soft figure. I feel something sharp hit my back, accompanied by piercing pain. I hear Serena's sweet voice cry out in alarm. And then I am falling, falling into her arms. ++++++++++++++++------------------------------------------++++++++++++++ Behind me, I hear Beryl gasp out in pain. I smile faintly in satisfaction. My rose has struck her in midsection, where it's power will tear her slowly apart. Already it is sapping her strength, weakening her. She will do Serena no harm now. There is only Metallia to deal with. The most fearsome, the most powerful of our enemies. Forgive me, my love, that I cannot be by your side to help you, to lend you what strength and power I have, to defeat Metallia. For I have no doubt that you will defeat her. You are strong, Serena, I have seen it. Strong, courageous, passionate and beautiful. I can only hope that you will survive, and continue your life happily. That is all I ask, for her to be happy. For her to live. How I love her, my beautiful Serena. I can only pray that she can return my love. That was my fondest wish, my most secret prayer. That you would return my love. I wish I could express my love to you, to touch you, to hold you in my arms, to kiss you. But I have never been too good at expressing my love in public,either in words or in actions. All the chances I had, to tell you my true feelings, they are lost now, gone forever in the flow of time. I feel your soft arms around me. I lean back contentedly, with a tired smile. I am happy to be able to die peacefully, lying sweetly against you in your arms. Happier than I have ever been in my barren life. There are so many things I want to say to you, so many things which I can never have the chance to say now. All I can think about is you. Not about the fact that I am dying, not about the oblivion that is about to claim me. You. I look up at your angelic face, framed by your soft satin-smooth strands of hair, the colour of golden sunlight. I long to feel it under my fingers, to run my hand through your smooth, softly-scented hair. To bury my face in it. In contrary to what I said to you, the names I called you, I really do like your odangos. But I am too weak to lift my hand. I look into your eyes, now filled with shining silver tears, which run down your delicate face. Your eyes could drown a man in their azure blue depths. I lose myself in them. I have heard before, from someone long forgotten, that a look can say a thousand words. I can only hope that it is so. I look at you with all the love, all the longing and desire in my heart. My beautiful, beautiful angel. Serena. "Leave now, before the cavern falls apart." My voice is as tender, as loving as I can make it. It sounds cold, said as I am dying, when there is so much more that I could say, but my concern is for your safety. Always. I hope that you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I love you. I feel myself slipping away. The black abyss pulls at my soul. I close my eyes, not wishing you to see them when I die. I love you, Serena. Then, now and forever. Nothing can tear us apart. Nothing. I dimly feel my head fall against your chest. My last thought is of you, laughing and beautiful, with love in your eyes. And the cold blackness of death surrounds me. ================================================================================ Please send all mail to ts_cheah@pacific.net.sg . From "Sue Mei" "Imagine that you were creating the fabric of human destiny, with the object of making men happy in the end, giving them peace and rest at last, but that it was essential and inevitable to torture to death one tiny creature,and to build that edifice on its unavenged tears. Would you consent to be the Architect on those conditions? Tell me,and tell me the truth." - Excerpt from "The Brothers Karamazov" by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, also writer of "Crime and Punishment".