DELIVER HIM NOW an absurdist tragicomedy in 3 acts(plus one bonus act) with no roman numerals. by Erik and Rain There is a man (or woman) in a small room standing on a stool and holding a fish bowl. His (or her) fish has a name and will be called by that name. (It is not Fish!) MW: Hello Fish. Fish: Hello sir or ma'am. MW: Fish, I'm hungry. Fish: I'm thirsty as well. MW: Fish, what's your name? Fish: You cannot eat my name. MW: You cannot drink my sex. Fish: Au contraire! MW: Pardon. mon fraire? Fish: To the contrary! MW: Oh. (long pause followed by two short pauses) Fish: I'm sorry, what did you say? MW: What's the title of this play? Fish: Are you speaking metaphorically, harkening back to the statement that all the world's a stage? I hope so because the suspension of disbelief is really shot to hell if you start talking about the actual play itself. MW: I was trying to rhyme MW: I was trying to rhyme and "plAy" was the first word that came to mind rhymed with "say". Fish: Well is this a poem or a play? would you make up your mind? MW: Shakespeare rhymed! Moliere rhymed! Dr. Suess rhym--- ahm. My point is: it can be both! Fish: Fine. MW: Since we've already shot "willing suspension of disbelief" to hell, since all the audience is here unwillingly (i.e. at gunpoint) lets discuss the play. It sucks. Fish: I think the problem is there's only 2 characters. I wonder what we can do. MW: Only hope. (suddenly Woman (or Man(Opposite of First Human, but Really Not Necessary, Just Whatever) appears) WMOFHRNNJW: At last I've found you, now that I've found you I'll never leave, ever. Not even when you die. That's how I feel, I've never been able to tell you. MW: Well, I'm glad you feel that way. WMOFHRNNJW: I'm sorry, I was talking to the fish. Fish: My. I'm flattered. You got a lot a pizza in your bread. WM: That's so touching, you're the first cold-blooded animal to tell me that. MW: (aside) If only she had been mine.. I wish I were a fish. I know, I'll drown myself in hopes that I will come back as a fish in my next life. Fish: Take me away from this man(or woman) just snatch the bowl away. WM: I cannot. Fish: And why? WM: I have no hands. Fish: Then kneel down and I'll slosh out of this confining bowl into your beautiful hair that has enough icky goup in it to hold all the water I'll need to live for the rest of my life. WM: I cannot risk losing you! MW: (still aside) I'm going to the seaside. Fish: no! My life is nothing if not for you. WM: Come back here! ACT 2: at seaside MW: I'm drowning myself now! WM: What if I got a bowl and a backpack? Fish: What if I got a ziplock bag filled with water? MW: Good-bye cruel world! Fish: Hello wet world! WM: Wait for me! ACT 3: underwater MW: Glub glub (dies). Fish: Ahh. Home sweet home, our problem is solved my dear. WM: Glub glub (dies). Fish: Well this sucks. ACT 4: in heaven WM: Say, you're rather cute. MW: Why thank you! [END]