Week Beginning September 14, 1998

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It is official, ladies and gentlemen. After long hours of deliberation, Tenebrous Kate has deemed Lord Jack Knackers, known to his nearest and dearest as Gothybloke, worthy of being her Inaugural Vampire Hunting Bastard. And what a fine example of bastard-hood he is! Allow me to introduce this Bastion of Bastards to you all.

Lord Jack Knackers hails from lovely Leicestershire, England, where he spends his time attending University and playing a rather dodgy-sounding card game by the name of The Great Dalmuti. Other interests include watching a rather disturbing amount of Hammer horror films and Hong Kong action films, writing and playing music, and attending performances by Gothic bands.

So why, you may ask yourself, does Lord Jack Knackers recieve the dubious distinction of being my Inaugural Bastard? Let me quote from the Lord himself in reference to his preferred Vampire Hunting technique:

I have naughty ideas in my head. I fancy going to this 'Vampyre' club, dressed hopefully more stylishly than the fang gang, and announcing myself as Lord Jack Knackers of Olde London Town, member of the Notupmyownarse clan, sire to a 2 year old kid by a 16 year old girl, notorious haddock-slapper and Morris Dancer (an ancient and EVIL English dancing profession). I will then go onto the dance floor, slapping merrily with a plastic fish (of no small size, with fangs drawn on in black pen and with "Slayer of Vlad Tepid" written on the side) all who get in the way and chicken-dancing like a bastard at close range. And that's not all. Perhaps I could hire Christopher Lee to come along and personally crush their little hopes by giving the time-honoured Brit sign for 'wanker' with the appropriate hand TO THE LOT OF THEM. Yes! Exit, stage runlikephuck, into my knackered out old VW Beetle (dark blue, gets me from A to B providing A is my house and B the repair shop), and they're away and laughing with the number plates covered up... Real nice dream: Get Vlad Tepes to come back from the dead and convince the poor confused Romanian thug to believe that they're all here to shut his local pub down.. what a sight that would be... ahhh... *sigh*...

Now THAT, my friends, is ire of the highest and most creative degree as expressed against the Vampir--er--VampYric commuinity. I am most impressed! I wonder if Lord Jack is looking for a Lady Jack, and if a certain Tenebrous Vampire Hunting Bastard would be a suitable person to fill said role...

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