~Letter Numero Uno~

Dear Cokoa Plasstick: please help me!! My boyfriend is a total loser. He calls me at nine at night, even when he knows I need my beauty sleep, and I go to bed at eight. I mean, it is cool that he cares enough to call, which is more than I can say for most thirteen year old guys. But he pays for me when we go out to the movies and McDonald's. SO... here is the problem (it is worse than the calling thing): he is pressuring me to do *stuff*!! He keeps putting his arm around me at the movies, and then he'll try to hold my hand! I push him away and he stops. Then he asked if he could kiss my cheek! Oh my! He is a loser! Lame-O! What should I do?? I don't want to break his heart, even though he is dragging my rep down bigtime.

Well, I would certainly hate to be the one to break it to you, but obviously this tedious task has been thrown into my lap (actually onto my desk) : He's not the loser, you are. Bed at eight, no holding hands, pushing him away, lying that you actually have a rep when you probably don't. Hon, it adds up in the end. Here is my true advice: dump him, he probably deserves someone closer to his age who will want to at least hold hands, and someone he can see in his classes (maybe you are in some of his classes, I don't know). He also deserves someone cooler. You aren't cutting it! Go out and live life a little.

~Letter Numero Dos~

Cokoa! What should I do?? I ate a spoonful of rotten sweet corn and now I have horrible gas. And the prom is tonight! But I'm still hungry for corn! I love corn, and I'm hungry, but .. I just don't know!

Well, seeing as how I got this letter probably a week after your corn ordeal, I'm hoping everything went well. But I have a question for you: Why are you going to the prom when you are a middle-aged woman with a horrid name?

~Letter Numero Tres~

To Cokoa Plasstick: I think I have a medical problem with my potted houseplant. It is a cactus, and I have been watering it regularly (twice a day). Yet, it has become soggy and mushy, with moist bread pudding qualities. I just don't know what to do!! I live in Northern Alaska, so I don't think I can plant it outside, or can I?? Please rush me some Venusian Honey info... fast!!!

I love potted houseplant questions!! Unfortunately, yours doesn't require me to flaunt all that planty knowledge I have. In fact, your question could be answered by any elementary school student who can not yet define bread pudding (I still can't). And here it is: Don't put a plant outside in N. Alaska, and no plant needs to be watered that much or bread pudding consistency I am sure will be acquired. So lay off the water; it is a cactus, you freak. There, I have just flexed my botanical-knowledge muscles.