Aries: When that guy said he wanted to do your sister, he was talking about killing her, OK? A blind date is a bad idea.
Taurus: You got into a fight, and Mommy's gonna be mad. Blame it on the other guy. Give yourself a black eye and cry.
Gemini: Stop telling your classmates about the voices in your head. The teacher's pet told the guidence counselor.
Cancer: When you told that guy that he made you feel warm and gooey inside, he took it the wrong way. Don't expect to see him for a long time.
Leo: Look: we know you're wonderful, we know you're perfect, we know you're gorgeous. Now shut up, will you?
Virgo: Stop "tidying up" your lover's bedroom. It's pissing them off, and they want to slap you.
Libra: Stop looking at the numbers on the scale. Someone thinks you are the perfect weight all ready, so quit your bitchin'.
Scorpio: Take off all those black clothes, for God's sake. Wear some pastels. Stop being so morbid!
Sagitarius: You know, if you don't stop running, your lungs are gonna die.
Capricorn: Stop proclaiming to the world that you're right, they're wrong. No one believes you.
Aquarius: You think you know what's cool and what's not. But, um, lime green looks really bad on you.
Pisces: Maybe if you wouldn't dwindle in your poetry so much, that certain someone would give you a glance once in a while.