Young Frankenstein (1974)
[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors.]
Dr. Frankenstein: What knockers!
Inga: Oh, thank you doctor!
Dr. Frankenstein: Would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?
Igor: And you won't be angry?
Dr. Frankenstein: I will NOT be angry.
Igor: Abby someone.
Dr. Frankenstein: Abby someone. Abby who?
Igor: Abby Normal.
[Dr. Frankenstein leans in for a kiss.]
Elizabeth: Taffeta, darling.
Dr. Frankenstein: Taffeta, dear.
Elizabeth: No, darling. Taffeta, it wrinkles so easily.
[Froederick and Igor are exhuming a dead criminal.]
Froederick: What a filthy job.
Igor: Could be worse.
Froederick: How?
Igor: Could be raining.
[It starts to pour.]
Dr. Froederick Frankenstein: For what we are about to see next, we must enter quietly into the realm of genius!
Igor: Dr. Frankenstein...
Dr. Froederick Frankenstein: "Fronkensteen."
Igor: You're putting me on.
Dr. Froederick Frankenstein: No, it's pronounced "Fronkensteen."
Igor: Do you also say "Froaderick"?
Dr. Froederick Frankenstein: No... "Frederick."
Igor: Well, why isn't it "Froaderick Fronkensteen"?
Dr. Froederick Frankenstein: It isn't; it's "Frederick Fronensteen."
Igor: I see.
Dr. Froederick Frankenstein: You must be Igor. [He pronounces it ee-gor.]
Igor: No, it's prononced "eye-gor."
Dr. Froederick Frankenstein: But they told me it was "ee-gor."
Igor: Well, they were wrong, weren't they?
Inga: Werewolf!
Dr. Frankenstein: Werewolf?
Igor: There. There wolf.
Dr. Frankenstein: Damn your eyes!
Igor to camera: Too late.
Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake, but very puzzled.
Church Congregation singing: Now is a time of great decision / Are we to stay or up and quit? / There's no avoiding this conclusion: / Our town is turning into shit. Amen.
Mexican Bandolero: Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!
[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle.]
Bart: A man drink like that, he is going to DIE!
Jim: When?
Bart: Mornin', ma'am! And isn't it a lovely mornin'?
Elderly woman: Up yours nigger!
Lilly von Schtupp singing: I'm tired of men always coming and going, going and coming and always too soon! [spoken] Vat am I, a rabbit?
Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character. [Bart reaches for his gun.]
Jim: Oh no, don't do that.
Bart: Why not?
Jim: If you shoot him, you'll just piss him off.
[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain.]
Bart: Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
Bart: Through the Vatican?
Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinky! Sign here.
Mongo: Mongo only pawn... in game of life.
Waco Kid: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.
Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight!
Taggart: You want us to pull an ol' number 6 on 'em?
Lammar: A number 6? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that procedure.
Taggart: That's when we come into town, a whompin' and whoopin'. Beatin' the livin' shit out of everything that moves. Except the women folk, of course.
Lammar: You mean you spare the women?
Taggart: NAWWWW! We rape the shit out of them at the ol' number 6 dance later that night!
Lammar: Splendid!
Jim: You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.
Hedley Lamarr: I've killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned! Oh, I am sorry sir I didn't mean to overstep my bounds, you say that.
Governor Lepetomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting is adjourned.
Governor Lepetomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: No, you say that governor!
Governor Lepetomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting is adjourned!
Governor Lepetomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: Here sir, play with this! [Hands the governor a rubber ball and paddle set.]
Lilly von Schtupp: Hello, cowboy. Wha's your name?
Cowboy: Tex, Ma'am!
Lilly von Schtupp: Texmam? Well, tell me Texmam, are you in show business?
Cowboy: Well, no, ma'am.
Lilly von Schtupp: Then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off o' the stage!
Lyle: The way you was lollygagging with them picks and shovels, you would think it was a hundred and twenty degrees out here. Can't be more 'n a hundred and fourteen!
Gabby Johnson: I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin bushwackin, hornswaglin, cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.
[The railway crew discover quicksand up ahead, and one of them offers to ride up ahead to check it out]
Taggart: Horses? We can't afford to lose no horses. Send over a couple o' niggers.
[Taggart spots two workers on a hand-cart sinking into quicksand]
Taggart: Oh shit! Quick!
[Lassos the hand-cart and drags it (but not the men) out of the quicksand]
Taggart: Dang that was lucky! Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcart!
Taggart: Don't just stand there! Take that shovel and put it to some good use!
[Bart grabs a shovel and advances on Taggart from behind]
Charlie: Don't do it, buddy!
Taggart to his sidekick: Now take a telegram to Mr. Lamarr, and tell him I said [gets hit on the head by the shovel] ow!
Sidekick: ...tell him I said "ow!". Got it!
[The Governor is having trouble putting his pen back into its holder]
Hedley Lamarr: Think of your secretary...
[The pen goes straight in]
Governor Lepetomane: Thank you! That's a good one!
Hedley Lamarr: Give the Governor "harrumph"!
Startled Aide: Harrumph!
Governor Lepetomane: You watch your ass!
Taggart: God dammit, Mr. Lamarr sir, you use your tongue purdier than a twenny dollar whore!
[Bart returns unexpectedly after being sentenced to death]
Charlie: They said you was hung!
Bart: And they was right!
[Gabby Johnson (on the roof of the church) spots the new sheriff riding into town]
Gabby Johnson shouting: The sherrif's a nigger!
[The last word is lost in the peal of a church bell]
Harriet Johnson: What did he say?
Dr. Sam Johnson: He said the sheriff is near!
[Dr. Sam Johnson (with laurel wreath in hand) greets Bart (the new sheriff), reading from a piece of paper, not realizing that Bart is black]
Dr. Sam Johnson: As chairman of the welcoming committee, it is my honor and privilege to extend this Laurel and Hardy handshake to the town's new [finally looks up] ... nigger.
Jim: My name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.
Bart: You be my guest, and I be your host. What be your pleasure, Jim?
Jim: I don't know... play chess... screw....
Bart quickly: Let's play chess!
[Bart on grandstand to the townspeople]
Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out.
[Bart reaches into waistline as crowd gasps and screams. Bart pulls out paper]
Crowd: Ahhhhh!
[Describing how everyone wanted to duel him when he was The Waco Kid]
Jim: Then one day I hear "Reach for it mister!" I spun around, and there I was standing face to face with a six year old kid. Well, I just laid down my guns and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass!
[Lili von Schtupp has lured Bart back to her room]
Lili von Schtupp: Is it true how zey say zat you people are.... gifted?
[Lights go out, sound of zipper opening]
Lili von Schtupp: Oh! It's twue! It's twue!
[Lili Von Schtupp offers Bart a gigantic sausage]
Lili Von Schtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank-you. Twelve is my limit on schnitzengruben!
Lili von Schtupp: Well how about a little [whispers in his ear]
Bart shocked: Baby! I'm not from Havana!
Jim to some Ku Klux Klansmen: Looky what I got me here, boys!
Bart being held by Jim: Hey! Where's the white women at?
[Bart and Jim are wearing KKK outfits to infiltrate the enemy's lynch mob]
Jim spotting Bart's black hands: How many times have I told you to wash your hands after burning them crosses?
[Taggart whips off Bart's hood]
Bart: For my next impression, Jesse Owens!
[The lynch mob comes across a toll-booth in the middle of the desert]
Taggart: Someone's gotta go back for a shit-load of dimes!
[Jim: The Waco Kid has just shot the guns out of the hands of a dozen henchmen]
Bart: Don't just stand there clasping your hands in pain... How about a round of applause for The Waco Kid?
Adolf Hitler: They lose me right after the bunker scene.
Buddy Bizarre: Cut! Cut! Cut!
Taggart: Piss on you, I'm working for Mel Brooks!
[Winds up to punch Buddy Bizarre]
Buddy Bizarre: Not the face! Not the face!
[Taggart complies, punching him in the stomach]
Buddy Bizarre collapsing: Thank you!
Hedley Lamarr: You will be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost-certain Academy Award nomination for the Best Supporting Actor.
Jim: Another twenty-five years and you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.
Taggart: I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots.
Hedley Lamarr: Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property - the rightful owners.
Silent Movie (1976)
Mel Funn on telephone: Hello, Mr. Marceau? Je suis Funn. How would you like to be in the first silent film to be made in Hollywood in over 50 years?
Marcel Marceau: Non!
Studio Chief: What did he say?
Mel Funn: I don't know. I can't speak French.
History of the World: Part I (1981)
Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!
Narrator: And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth - the critic.
Empress Nympho: Do I have any openings that this man might fit?
Marcus Vindictus: What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant.
Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the master baits.
Comicus: The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation - but I hear that that's coming quickly.
[Condemned for offending Emperor Nero with his stand-up routine.]
Comicus: Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!
King Louis XVI: It's good to be the king!
Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.
King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!
To Be or Not to Be (1983)
(cast starts out speaking Polish)
Announcer: For our sanity, the rest of this movie will NOT be in Polish.
[Disguised as Hitler.]
Frederick Bronski: Heil myself!
Spaceballs (1987)
BR> Yogurt: Merchandising. Merchandising. Where the real money from the movie is made.
[nurse exits]
Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.
[Upon going into "ludicrous speed"]
Dark Helmet: My brains... are going into my feet!
Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet?
[Playing with his dolls]
Dark Helmet: [In Dark Helmet voice] And now Princess Vespa, I have you in my clutches, to have my wicked way with you, the way I want to.
[In Vespa voice] No, no, go away, I hate you! And yet... I find you strangely attractive. [In D.H. voice] Of course you do! Druish princesses are
often attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you *know* it! [In V. voice] No, no, leave me alone! [In D.H. voice] No, kiss me! [V.]
No! Stop! [D.H.] Yes, yes! [V.] Oh, oh, oh! Ohhhh, your helmet is so big!
Barf: It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just that death, it just isn't us.
[As they are trekking through the desert]
Lonestar: Water... water...
Barf: Water... water...
Dot Matrix: Oil... oil...
Vespa: Room service... room service...
Lone Star: A million? That's unfair.
Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to the payor but not to the payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else!
Barf: Or else what?
Pizza the Hutt: Tell him, vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else pizza is gonna send out for *you*!
[Watching "Spaceballs: The Movie". They reach "now" in the movie.]
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What hapened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
Lone Star: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with you dolls again.
Dark Helmet: Good!
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
Guard: What the hell are you doing?
Lone Star: The Vulcan neck pinch?
Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
[Lone Star changes hand position]
Lone Star: Like this?
Guard: Yeah!
[Guard falls to the ground]
Lone Star: Thanks
Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.
Barf: I know we need the money, but...
Lone Star: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!
Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you - you're always right.
Lonestar: So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.
Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star!
Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN???
Computer aboard Mega-Maid: Thank you for pressing the self destruct button.
[Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching _Spaceballs_(qv), the movie]
Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!
[Skroob, Helmet, and Sanders reach the cancellation button]
Dark Helmet: Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works!
Lone Star: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!
Dark Helmet: say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the winnebago.
President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?
[After the self-destruction mechanism has been activated]
President Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!
[When Lone Star and Barf stops on the outer space gas-station]
Waitress: Ready to order?
Woman in Diner: Ah, yes, we'll both have the lunafish.
Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Star: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Star: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
[Princess Vespa has been given a gun]
Princess Vespa: I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns. [her hair gets signed by a laser] My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch! [Begins
blasting]
Colonel Sandurz: It's Mega-Maid! She's gone from suck to blow!
Pizza The Hutt: Well, if it isn't Lone Star. And his sidekick, Puke.
Yogurt: And may the schwartz be with you!
Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
Blinkin: Oh Master Robin! [hugging a statue] You lost your arms in battle! But you grew some nice boobs.
[Pointing to the bat droppings on the floor]
Robin of Locksley: Blinkin, I'm over here.
Robin of Locksley: Prepare for the fight scene!
Latrine: My family changed its name to Latrine over 14 generations ago. It was a good change.
Prince John: That's a good change?
Latrine: It USED to be SHITHOUSE!
Man in church: Hey Abbot!
Abbot: I hate that guy!
Prince John: And why would the people listen to you?
Robin of Locksley: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.
Dracula: Dead and Loving It.(1995)
Dracula: The children of the night... what a mess they make.
[Dracula's nightmare sequence]
Dracula: I'm drinking wine...and eating chicken! And it's good!
[Looking into coffin of vampiress]
Jonathan Harker: She's alive?
Van Helsing: She's Nosferatu!
Jonathan Harker: She's Italian?
Van Helsing: Three tiny puncture marks on her throat.
Seward: Three?
Van Helsing: Two. Two tiny puncture marks on her throat.
Dracula: Renfield, wake up. You were having a nightmare.
Renfield: A nightmare? But it was so real, so vivid. Two voluptuous women, grinding, heaving. How to describe it. Have you ever been to Paris?
Dr. Seward: Oh Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He's a doctor of rare diseases as
well as theology and philosophy.
Dr. Abraham Van Helsing: And gynecology!
Dr. Seward: Oh, I didn't know you had your hand in there too.
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