Groucho: Say, I used to know a fellow that looked exactly like you by the name of Emanuel Ravelli. Are you his brother?
Chico: I'm Emanuel Ravelli.
Groucho: You're Emanuel Ravelli?
Chico: I'm Emanuel Ravelli.
Groucho: Well, no wonder you look like him. But I still insist there is a resemblance.
Chico: Ha, ha! He thinks I look alike.
- Animal Crackers
Groucho on the economy (from Animal Crackers):
Roscoe W. Chandler (Louis Sorin): The nickel today is not what it used to be ten years ago.
Captain Spaulding (Groucho): Well, I'll go further than that. I'll get off at the depot. The nickel today is not what it was fifteen years ago. Do you know what this country needs today?
Chandler: What?
Spaudling: A seven cent nickel. Yes siree, we've been using the five-cent nickel in this country since 1492. Now that's pretty near 100 years daylight saving. Now why not give the seven cent nickel a chance? If that works out, next year we can have an eight cent nickel. Think what that would mean? You could go to a newsstand, buy a three cent newspaper, and get the same nickerl back again. One nickel carefully used would last a family a life-time.
Chandler: Captain Spaulding, I think that is a wonderful idea.
Spaulding: You do, eh?
Chandler: Yes.
Spaudling: Well, then there can't be much to it. Forget about it.
Groucho dictates a letter (from Duck Soup)
Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho): Uh - Take a letter.
Bob (Zeppo): Who to?
Firefly: To my dentist. Uh - "Dear Dentist: Enclosed find check for five hundred dollars. Yours very truly." Send that off immediately.
Bob: I'll - uh - I'll have to enclose the check first.
Firefly: You do and I'll fire you.
Groucho's attempts at romance (from Horse Feathers):
Connie (Thelma Todd): Oh Professor, you're so full of whimsy.
Wagstaff (Groucho): Can you notice it from there? I'm always that way after I eat radishes.
Groucho on love (from Duck Soup):
Firefly (Groucho): Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasedale (Margaret Dumont): Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. T: I was with him till the very end.
Firefly: Huh! No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. T: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Firefly: Oh, I see. Then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
Mrs. T: He left me his entire fortune.
Firefly: Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you.
Don't point that beard at me, it might go off!
Groucho on love (from Duck Soup):
I could dance with you till the cows came home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home.
Groucho just being Groucho (from Horse Feathers):
Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement she'll never know the difference.
Groucho on musical taste (from A Night at the Opera):
Driftwood (Groucho): Is the opera over yet?
Doorman: Not yet, signor. In a few minutes.
Driftwood (to carriage driver): Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down.On account of you I almost heard the opera! Now then, once around the park and drive slowly.
Chico on ethics (from Animal Crackers):
Arabella (Lillian Roth): Oh, Mr. Ravelli, I want you to do something for me.
Ravelli (Chico): I do anything for you. What you want I should do?
Arabella: You see that painting?
Ravelli: You mean this piksh?
Arabella: I want you to take that out of the frame and put this one in its place.
Ravelli: You want I should take this one 'a down put this one upstairs.
Arabella: Yes, that's it.
Ravelli: You want I should steal?
Arabella: Oh no. It's not stealing.
Ravelli: Well, then I couldn't do it.
Three Cheers for Captain Spaulding! Three Cheers for Captain Spaulding!
Groucho on love (from A Night at the Opera):
Driftwood (Groucho): That woman? Do you know why I sat with her?
Mrs. Claypool (Margaret Dumont): No-
Driftwood: Because she reminded me of you.
Mrs. Claypool: Really?
Driftwood: Of course! That's why I'm sitting here with you, because you remind me of you. Your eyes, your throat, your lips, everything about you reminds me of you, except you. How do you account for that?
Groucho to Margaret Dumont (from Duck Soup):
Mrs. Teasdale (Margaret Dumont): I've sponsored your appointment because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Freedonia.
Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho): Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it. I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Groucho on art (from Animal Crackers):
Captain Spaulding (Groucho): Tell me, Mr. Chandler, where are you planning on putting your opera house?
Roscoe W. Chandler (Louis Sorin): Oh, I thought I should like to put it somewhere near Central Park.
Spaudling: I see, why don't you put it right in Central Park?
Chandler: Could we do that?
Spaulding: Sure, do it at night when no one is looking. Why not put it in the reservoir and get the whole thing over with. Of course, that might interfere with the water supply. But, after all, we must remember that art is art. Still on the other hand, water is water, isn't it? And East is East, and West is West. And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Chico's journey to America (from A Night at the Opera):
So now I tell you how we fly to America. The first time-a we start-a, we get-a half way across when we run out of gasoline and we gotta go back. Then I take-a twice as much-a gasoline. This time we were just about to land, maybe three feet, when what do you think? We run out of gasoline again. And back we go again and get-a more gas. This time I take-a plenty gas. Wella we getta half way over ... when what do you thinka happen? We forgota the airplane. So we gotta sit down and we talk it over. Then I getta the great idea. We no taka gasoline. We no taka the airplane. We taka steamship. And that, friends... is how we fly across the ocean.
That's a fine way to carry ice. Where are your tongs?
Groucho flirting (from Monkey Business):
Groucho: How about you and I passing out on the veranda, or would you rather pass out here?
Woman: Sir, you have the advantage of me!
Groucho: Not yet I haven't, but wait till I get you outside.
Chico's billing plan (from Animal Crackers):
Mrs. Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont): You are one of the musicians? But you were not due until tomorrow.
Signor Emanuel Ravelli (Chico): Couldn't come tomorrow. That's too quick.
Captain Spauling (Groucho): Say, you're lucky they didn't come yesterday.
Ravelli: We were busy yesterday, but we charge just the same.
Spaulding: This is better than exploring. What do you fellows get an hour?
Ravelli: Ah, for playing we getta ten dollars an hour.
Spaulding: I see. What do you get for not playing?
Ravelli: Twelve dollars an hour.
Spaulding: Well, clip me off a piece of that.
Ravelli: Now... for rehearsing, we make a special rate, that'sa fifteen dollars an hour.
Spauling: That's for rehearsing.
Ravelli: That'sa for rehearsing.
Spaulding: And what do you get for not rehearsing?
Ravelli: You couldn't afford it.You see if we don't rehearse we don't play. And if we don't play, that runs into money. . . . Well, let's see how we stand. . . . Yesterday we didn't come. You remember yesterday we didn't come.
Spaulding: Oh, I remember.
Ravelli: That's three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Yesterday you didn't come, that's three hundred dollars.
Ravelli: Yes, three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Well, that's reasonable. I can see that, alright.
Ravelli: Now today we did come, that's -
Spaulding: That's a hundred you owe us.
Ravelli: Hey, I bet I'm gonna lose on the deal.
Hooray for Capt. Spaulding
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