This is a good mix of some of the things we read about in the paper every day. I just hope I didn't make the list!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the
homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is
even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone
broke in and stole my new security system..."
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46
teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up
the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police
station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly
asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he
claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled
a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had
stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly
enough to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to
the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their
"next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted
deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the
incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views.
Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men
running this scam made off with over six million dollars...
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his
college degree for his murder of three people. There are too many
business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may
not have happened..."
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack
designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the
front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and
jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion
taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred
trousers in custody...
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up
a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger
to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his
pocket.
Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?
...The Getaway...
...Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
...Have I Got a Deal for You!
...Too Well-Educated
...Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
...Ouch, That Smarts!
...Are We Not Communicating?
...Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
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