The Hazard of Dukes County
By Wild Bill © 2011

As the lawman in this town
I’ve seen my share of grief
from drunks drivin’ reckless
too the infrequent thief.

And when you pass the County sign
that reads’ “Dukes” on it’s face
you’re now upon my turf,
so every crisis is my case.

In all the years I’ve worked this beat
one highlight comes to mind;
a guy that every one in town,
would dearly love to find!

The first time that I met him,
He missed a turn by mistake;
Driving down the boat ramp
Into the local lake.

He made it to the surfaced,
dogpaddled back to shore.
and left the owner of the boat he hit
more than a little sore!

I later find the fellow
in the line marked express;
at the downtown Food Mart
for ten items, maybe less.

He sat upon his motorcycle
within the checkout line
with nine items in his basket
in compliance with the sign.

Seems his brakes had failed
as he pulled into the lot.
He couldn’t bring the bike to halt
within the parking spot.

On Christmas of that year
in the middle of town square
while garland hung from Rudolph,
who was swingin’ in the air,

They spot his bike get tangled
with a single Christmas light
then take off with the town tree,
and poor Rudolph, out of sight!

He splashed the mayor’s wife
with rain water from the gutter,
frightened old Miss Evens
with his pipes until she stuttered,

Knocked a “Port-A-Potti” over
with his bike down at the park,
took out a power line
turnin’ half the county dark,

Scared some chickens at the poultry farm
until they couldn’t lay
and a spark from his bike caused a fire
when lit up a bale of hay!

But what finally turned this quiet town
into rabble from unruffled
wasn’t burning motor oil
or pipes that were un-muffled.

While topping off his motorcycle
at the filling station
he spilled enough high test gas
to cause a conflagration!

So now you know the story
‘bout the guy that has a bounty;
the fella’ we all call
“The Hazard of Dukes County!”